A little two year old girl died suddenly. Her parents are grief-stricken. But then tragedy takes a strange turn.
The parents are Christian “influencers” (I am hating that word), and they put out a call, asking for a resurrection.
We’re asking for prayer. We believe in a Jesus who died and conclusively defeated every grave, holding the keys to resurrection power. We need it for our little Olive Alayne, who stopped breathing yesterday and has been pronounced dead by doctors. We are asking for bold, unified prayers from the global church to stand with us in belief that He will raise this little girl back to life. Her time here is not done, and it is our time to believe boldly, and with confidence wield what King Jesus paid for. It’s time for her to come to life.
OK, they’re delusional in their loss, and they’re going to be heartbroken again in the end. They have my pity. Except…
A fundraiser set up for the child’s rebirth with a target of $100,000 has raised more than $33,000 in two days. Bethel Church in Redding, California, where Kelley is a singer, is one of the organizers of the fundraiser.
Now I’m confused. Does God charge for resurrections? Would my insurance cover that?
Apparently, she’s a member of a real cult that believes miracles, even raising the dead, are possible. There is a Dead Raising Team that claims to have brought about 15 resurrections already. They even have a dead raising team here in Minnesota, just in case you need their services. Unfortunately, they seem to have failed in this case.
It is all bizarrely interesting and very sad, but doesn’t answer the question. What is God going to do with $100,000?
Presumably for the same reason God needs a starship.
Park it in an offshore tax haven, like anyone else would do.
There is even a dead raising team in Ottawa. Possibly working on Andrew Scheer’s behalf?
Well it worked on Giuliani, he’s up and walking around sort of.
Especially seeing as the Mormons have are saving $100bil for him.
God has always been a greedhead. Take Exodus 35:
22 So they came, both men and women; all who were of a willing heart brought brooches and earrings and signet rings and pendants, all sorts of gold objects, everyone bringing an offering of gold to the Lord. 23 And everyone who possessed blue or purple or crimson yarn or fine linen or goats’ hair or tanned rams’ skins or fine leather,[c] brought them. 24 Everyone who could make an offering of silver or bronze brought it as the Lord’s offering; and everyone who possessed acacia wood of any use in the work, brought it. 25 All the skillful women spun with their hands, and brought what they had spun in blue and purple and crimson yarns and fine linen; 26 all the women whose hearts moved them to use their skill spun the goats’ hair. 27 And the leaders brought onyx stones and gems to be set in the ephod and the breastpiece, 28 and spices and oil for the light, and for the anointing oil, and for the fragrant incense. 29 All the Israelite men and women whose hearts made them willing to bring anything for the work that the Lord had commanded by Moses to be done, brought it as a freewill offering to the Lord.
What’s God gonna do with all that crap?
As mikeymeitbual suggests, compared to Mormco, these folks are pikers. Jesus apparently needs some serious cash as the members chew through their food storage. https://www.forbes.com/sites/lisettevoytko/2019/12/17/mormon-church-reportedly-amassed-100-billion-fund-for-second-coming-of-christ/#48b2e5d46a7b
consciousness razor says
Well, he needed one, or he said he did at least. But then he was gunned down by Spock, with a Klingon Bird-of-Prey’s disruptor cannons. The photon torpedo bombardment from Enterprise-A didn’t do the trick somehow, but everyone likes big explosions, so that’s okay.
Maybe the 100,000 bucks is for God’s medical bills? I mean, you can’t really expect him to resurrect people if he’s in such bad shape himself.
Easy. Only the poor will go to Heaven. Since any pastor want his parishioner to go to heaven, he must encourage them to give him their money and I’m sure he will burn it to prevent people to becoming rich.
Are all the guys in that dead raising picture wearing guyliner? Certainly looks like it.
I would recommend the Osiris cult if you are into “raising dead that do not turn out as zombies” . Jesus screwed up big with Lazarus, aka “patient zero” .
“Zombie Jeezus, Zombie Jeezus, begging for the spare change you might have.
Looking from above God sees us, prodding little Zombie Jeezus,
To ask for all the spare change you might have.”
Erlend Meyer says
I’m guessing hookers and booze.
“Are all the guys in that dead raising picture wearing guyliner? Certainly looks like it.”
Well sure. What’s more Goth than raising the dead for a living?
it is getting hard for me to tell the difference between religion and insanity
I am a physician who works in a children’s hospital; it is extremely rare for previously healthy 2 year olds to die in their sleep. There is much about this that smells a little fishy.
Maybe God’s still hung up on that waterslide idea.
I didn’t know they were trying to make money off of this obvious scam but am not all that surprised. It’s awful that they’re grifting off of the pain and loss of grieving parents.
If you can get people to believe in religion you can get them to believe anything. That is why there are so many religious scams. With the added bonus that when the scam doesn’t work it will be the victim’s fault for not having enough faith, not praying hard enough, not giving enough money, not sacrificing their first born on an altar…
@ 6 cervantes
What’s God gonna do with all that crap?
IIRC the priests were cousins of Moses. Always struck me as simple nepotism. God probably did not even get a cut.
What does God need $100K for? To hire Lindsay Lohan’s PR flack to handle the fallout after He passes on the resurrecting.
Scroll down to see your Dead Raising Team in action.
The Vicar (via Freethoughtblogs) says
@#15, uncle froggy:
It’s actually pretty simple. If the person collecting all the money and fame actually tries to use it to accomplish something rather than for their own personal benefit… then it’s insanity.
Marcus Ranum says
God needs it for Ark Park 2.0.
WMDKitty -- Survivor says
He loves you and he needs money.
Rich Woods says
The comments on that Pulpit And Pen article are a horrifying indictment of religious delusion. It’s like an argument between an asylum full of people shouting “You’re not Napoleon, I’m the real Napoleon!” at each other. At least the people in the asylum would be getting help.
Bet they throw some good practical jokes at barbeques. I wonder what kinds of music the DeadRaisers sing… I think I’ll stick with Pentatonix. Must go watch some Superfruit to get the yucky taste out of my mind.
Saganite, a haunter of demons says
The entire thing is ghoulish, but even from their perspective… isn’t it a bit presumptuous and prideful to call yourself a “deadraiser”? From their perspective, they ain’t doing the raising. Their god is. They are basically implying that they get to tell their god what to do.
what the fuck???
I just typed letters and it just posted what was there before I typed???
what I was saying
@27 that sounds just like something their god does not like at all.
Good thing he ain’t real!
It’s magic, specifically witchcraft. A lot of fundie xianity is just applied magic.
They are using magic spells to ask or force a powerful supernatural being to do what they want.
There are differences between Pagan witchcraft and xian witchcraft, mostly superficial though. The Pagans have far better rituals, far more class, and far better fashion sense.
(The results however, are about the same. Magic doesn’t work in the real world.)
@1, indeed, I imagine it’s a downpayment on Musk’s rocket…
@11, wrong culprit. Elijah started the raising the dead thing in 1 Kings 17:17-18.
@16, true enough. Although, I have transported “dead” patients, who once warmed above severe hypothermia, were successfully resuscitated.
As the adage goes, no one is dead until they’re warm and dead, in regards to hypothermia patients.
I’m willing to bet that the state of California has no death report on record, despite being declared dead by “doctors”. Or, they’re smoke screening failed faith healing, resulting in the death of a sick child.
100K USD is amateur-league stuff, try (as one example) 54M USD, US preacher asks followers to help buy fourth private jet (May-2018, BBC): “Jesse Duplantis said […] he was hesitant about the purchase at first, but said God had told him: ” (As far as I can determine, this fraud is still suffering from only having three private jets with which to contribute to the Global Climate Catastrophe.)
God is hungry and can’t be expected to go to the burger joint in those old clothes.
@Artor, #14: They look like those guys in the “Soul Taker” movie. (Featured in MST3K)