Has the War on Christmas already started?

I have a strict rule: the War on Christmas does not start the day after Halloween. It starts the day after Thanksgiving. You have 24 days until Black Friday, please just keep your powder dry until then, when the orgy of capitalism goes into hyperdrive, give ’em hell.


  1. blf says

    One can always be prepared… the mildly deranged penguin’s Adjusted Time Reality is offering years with added or removed days, months, etc., variable-length days, reverse-flowing weeks, and other customisations. (Weeks with no Mondays and multiple Fridays are popular, as are years without Winters, and — a recent model — millennia without Trump.) She suggests a December without the infamous 12 days, which can either be simply eliminated (minor adjustments to the Earth’s orbit included for an additional fee), or replaced with a similar number of days celebrating cheese (visits to the Massive Orbit Cheese Vault, also known as the MOON, may be possible, albeit she points out that for about the same cost, Trump can be rocketed into the Sun (however, there is no guarantee the Sun won’t rocket him back)).

    Retrospective customisations are possible, but must be carefully planned. For instance, eliminating the appropriate 30-something year period about 2000 years ago has already been done, but the customer didn’t order a different (replacement) mythology, so the legend of the carpenter’s son continues to haunt the planet. In addition, those 30-something years were not discarded, just removed, and so are still out there somewhere.

  2. Akira MacKenzie says

    (Sad Ken Burns Violin Music)

    My Dearest Buddleia:

    Life is hard here upon the front lines. Yesterday we lost 10 Salvation Army Bell-ringers when our trench was mortared by the thrice-damned ACLU. We expected reinforcements from Mormon Tabernacle Choir three weeks ago, but they have a pinned down in St. Louis by Armored Columns from the Freedom From Religion Foundation. Our supply of candy canes and egg nog is running low, and we may have to slaughter Donnor and Blitzen if we are to survive until Black Friday. We’re hoping that General Rev. Falwell can air drop up supplies, but scuttle bug is that units from the 34th Chanukah Harridans and the 12th Kwanza Crusaders are setting up anti-aircraft batters in the mountains.

    Still my faith in our cause remains true. We will live in a country where we can shove our commercially-driven religious down the throats of unbelievers. I dream of a day when all men will be free to say “Merry Christmas” even more so than we do now.

    Love, you dearest

  3. PaulBC says

    I normally launch my first volley in mid-November after resting up from the war on Halloween, which I bravely refuse to call “candy distribution day” much to the consternation of my many imaginary PC friends.

  4. says

    This is the yesr 4717 of the Chinese calendar and 5780 of the the Jewish calendar. As a Jewish friend once asked me, Where did the Jews go out to eat on Christmas for the first 1063 years?

    Why was Jesus born on December 25th? Because that’s Christmas Day and God didn’t want his son getting spoiled by receiving too many presents.

  5. says

    Akira MacKenzie: I’m sure you’ll find Reindeer aplenty if you pull back to the Donder Pass. You can stage a Blitzen raid from there, then dash down to the village and dance the night away with some prancing vixen or two. And that’s enough of that.

  6. lakitha tolbert says

    Dayyum, Y’all gettin’ salty in the comments.
    No, please don’t stop on my account. This is some of the funniest stuff I’ve read all day!

  7. says

    johnlee: Were talking about a religion that, 2000 years later, still believes that women should not be allowed any agency. Somehow I don’t think her opinion was solicited in this matter.

  8. call me mark says

    @DanDare thanks for that. I think the phrase “not even wrong” is apt when dealing with the Hovinds.

  9. patricklinnen says

    [sarc] I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, Americans have weird ideas about Christmas. They don’t celebrate any Advent Sundays. No St. Nicholas Festival. No Christmas Eve celebrations when the Christ Child was actually born. Nothing about the 12 days after or Epiphany when the Three Kings arrived. [/sarc]

    America declared war on Christmas long ago, gutted it, and is now pumping it full of artificial pine scents, commercials, and a lot of holier-than-thou to make a lot of quick and cheap money off of the corpse.

  10. PaulBC says

    @14 Well you know what they say, “westward leading, still proceeding.” But the light is sadly far from perfect.

  11. patricklinnen says

    a bit OT, but as we are discussing out of seasons stuff;
    Santa drops dead at the school Christmas Festival that Miss Fortune is attending. Except that Santa was a ringer. Fortune (ex-CIA) and her her Swamp Team( Ida Belle (post-VietNam) and Gertie (also post- VietNam but more dynamite)) look to save Southern Christmas. Because if they don’t get presents … They will return presents, and no one wants that.

  12. blf says

    In the States, the Friday after Turkeysnuffing has been, for decades, not only the “start” of the end-of-orbit sales season, but also one of the busiest for the stores. Somewhere along the line, it became known as “Black Friday”. Until recently, both the name and phenomenon were largely States-only(? mostly?). However, both the name and the überhype has escaped — earlier this week, the first batch of advertising flyers were stuffed through the snailmailslot announcing the upcoming “Back Friday Sales” (using that English language naming). In France.

    I suggest a war on “Black Friday”. The name, the concept, the hype, the überhype, and the peas & horses (albeit please confine use of flamethrowers to the evil equine empire, mostly). Nazi-milkshaking and -punching is, of course, always in season.

    What form should the Black Friday War take? In the States (especially), where it’s a public holiday, staying in bed or a pillow-fort all day has its attractions. Such a plan of action also has its attractions elsewhere, albeit not (usually) being a holiday or similar, this inert inaction might be incorrectly interpreted. Such are the risks of protesting… Supergluing the store’s doors shut also seems attractive, albeit with risks of lawsuits or similar actions, plus the need to be very careful and avoid supergluing oneself to the doors. There’s also the problem of teh intertubes, which is a bit harder to inconvenience with superglues, as has been proven by hair furor superglued to teh twittering.

    And, of course, return all single-use plastics — and excessive packaging — to the stores. With a Happy Holidays, Please Clean Up Your Act greeting…