Haribo Gummi Bears sound fun. They’re sugar free and a harmless sweet snack, right? Until you read the reviews. It seems to have a dramatic effect on people, which I’ve filed away in my memory, next to my Enemies List.
But what’s in them to cause this effect? That’s where it gets interesting. It says on the bag that they’re “Sugar Free”, but it’s a lie. They’re free of glucose and lactose, two specific sugars, but read the list of ingredients, and you discover that they’re full of other sugars.
Corn Syrup, Sugar, Gelatin, Dextrose, Citric Acid, Corn Starch, Artificial and Natural Flavors, Fractionated Coconut Oil, Carnauba Wax, Beeswax Coating, Artificial Colors Yellow 5, Red 40, Blue 1
Corn syrup is nothing but oligosaccharides. Sugar: more oligosaccharides, specifically disaccharides like sucrose (and how can they advertise that they’re sugar free when the second ingredient is “sugar”?). Gelatin, at least, is not a sugar, but a protein, collagen. Dextrose is a simple sugar, a monosaccharide, but it’s true, it’s not glucose. Still, consuming dextrose is a great way to get a rapid blood sugar spike.
So what these things are are pure, concentrated sugar bombs that pass straight into your colon as a potent syrup that drive your gut flora into a frenzy. Watch out for them.
Also, never trust that “sugar free” label.
But if you do have enemies, you can buy them in five pound bags on Amazon. Makes me wonder if they also sell pocket nukes and bulk neurotoxins.