Notice: I didn’t ask whether you’d like to get paid to work there — just whether you’d like to work totally for free. All you have to do is fill out the application!
This is a non-trivial exercise. It’s a long form, and you also have to be prepared to give your church references. Well, I’m out!
You also need to answer 12 questions, in detail. I’ve filled it out with my answers.
To be considered you must provide answers to the following questions. After those questions you need to utilize the blank space below to provide two detailed statements. The first statement is your Christian salvation testimony. The second statement is your belief about creation. Applicants that do not answer all questions and do not submit both statements will not be considered.
1. How does one get to heaven when they die? (One doesn’t.)
2. Why do you believe YOU will go to heaven when you die? (Nope.)
3. What would cause anyone to go to hell? (There is no hell.)
4. Do you believe suffering in hell is eternal? (No. See #3.)
5. What do you believe to be the main difference between Christianity and other religions? (Irrelevant and silly differences in doctrine.)
6. Do you believe the earth is thousands of years old or millions of years or does it matter? Explain your thoughts. (Billions. The evidence says so.)
7. “I believe that the ONLY legitimate marriage sanctioned by God and given in Scripture is the joining of one natural born man and one natural born woman. All other unions are contrary to clear Biblical teaching.” Do you agree with this statement or disagree? (I don’t really care what the Bible says.)
8. Please provide a brief statement regarding your Christian Testimony of Salvation. (I don’t believe in salvation. Brief enough?)
9. Please provide a brief statement of your position regarding Creation. (It’s nonsense.)
10. Please provide a brief statement about your position as relates to the inspiration, inerrancy (100% accuracy) of the Bible as the ONLY true Word of God. (It is neither inspired nor inerrant.)
11. How would you respond to someone who said “The Koran or the Book of Mormon are equally the Word of God.”? (I agree!)
12. Please confirm that you have a valid email address with regular access and confirm that you will periodically check email for forms and information from AiG. (Eh. Probably not.)
I wonder what the people who apply for paying jobs there have to do?
In fairness, I usually quiz carnies on #10 before I get on their ride.
Be willing to lie on their taxes so the park doesn’t have to pay them overtime or provide medical benefits, most likely.
Hell is working at the Ark Park for no income.
I’m not sure.
Hell might be better represented by working for the Ark Park for a wage just barely enough to sustain a family…with no other job prospects around.
Taking Rv706 East out of Trondheim for about 33km.
Don’t be silly, all truly biblical marriages must be based on the union of Adam and Eve. Therefore, nobody “natural born” can be properly married, only people who were manufactured as adults (and at least one must have been manufactured from a spare body part). Also, I’m pretty sure only fictitious people can marry.
Proof of fictitiousness is required, or I ain’t giving you a license.
Thousands. (do I need to specify how many? Specifically 4.5 million of them)
Funny thing about plurals is any number bigger than one qualifies.
Also tempting to play with the boolean version of an OR question.
Answer “Yes”, to the whole question. (actually, applies to each part of the trifecta: (1) thousands of years? (2) millions of years? and (3) does it matter? So answers are (1) yes, (2) yes), (3) yes.
So, Ham still gets his huge tax breaks, and gets to engage in sectarian hiring practices for this? Lovely.
I believe Betty Bowers gives the definitive reply.
re: #10
Which version of TheBible™ is TheInerrantOne™?
So there are so many ways I could answer these questions! Straight, insulting, making fun of a believer, grotesque… I’m gonna choose a few of those ways and answer!
a) straight
b) mocking evangelical Christianity
c) Jewish perspective (’cause why not?)
d) Hatred of God
a) I have no clue. There’s no evidence for heaven at all; no evidence for any kind of life after death, really. So I can’t really answer this.
b) Beg Jesus really, really hard for forgiveness. Make sure you get on your knees in front of him. Grovel!
c) Works. You have to be a good person. G-d doesn’t worry so much about what you believe, just that the legacy you leave when you die is positive.
d) Why the fuck would I want to go to Heaven, anyways? I’d have to spend eternity worshiping your megalomaniacal tyrant? Fuck you, fuck him, and fuck off.
a) See my answer to number 1.
b) Well obviously we’re all sinners and none are worthy. But I am a good Christian! I hate ho-mo sek-shuls and evilution, so I think I’m doing good!
c) It’s not really up to me. I just try to be the best person I can be. But what happens to me after I die is really up to G-d in the end.
d) I’ll be up there for 5 minutes to judge God. Then I’ll voluntarily make my way down to Hell, and shake Satan’s hand.
a) See my answer to number 1.
b) Not listening to me! *ehem* I mean God! (Who sounds an awful lot like me, but that’s because I’m a GOOD Christian!)
c) It should be noted that, in Jewish traditions, “Hell” is much less defined than in Christian traditions (and maybe Islamic traditions? I don’t know enough about Islam). I may be mistaken, but as far as I know, the majority of Jews don’t actually believe in any Hell, and the ones that do certainly don’t believe in any Dante’s Inferno. Hell is traditionally defined as “the absence of God”. Which, of course, could describe the state of our reality today. Within my family and within the various Jewish communities I’ve been part of, the number of people who won’t get in to Heaven is small (because it takes moral evil to not make it – so Hitler, obviously, isn’t in Heaven), and those people will simply cease to exist after they die… that is, their souls will die, as well.
d) See, for me, the Evangelical idea of Heaven is, in fact, my personal idea of Hell. If I had to go there, it would only be as a prisoner.
a) See my answer to number 1.
b) Of course it is! Those non-believers have to suffer for ALL eternity!
c) I have to admit that I don’t know the Jewish traditions on this all too well. I’d need to do more research.
d) If it is, that just gives me more reason to hate your god.
a) Basic doctrinal stuff, but nothing significant.
b) Christianity is the one true religion! The rest are all false religions put here by the devil!
c) There are different ideas of God, but for most Jews (with the exception of the more fanatical), they are all expressions of the same experience.
d) Christianity is one of the most vile religions, IMO…
a) The earth is around 4.543 billion years old. For reference, our solar system is around 4.56 billion years old, the Milky Way is around 13.21 billion years old, and the universe is around 13.799±0.021 billion years old.
b) The earth is 6000 years old! Because the Bible says so!
Where? In Genesis!
Where in Genesis?
…
…
I’ll be laughin’ my head off when you’re burnin’ in Hell!
c) Again, it really depends on the particular Jewish tradition, here. There’s a very small number of Jews who believe the world is 5,776 years old (5776 is the current Jewish year; we just celebrated our new year [Rosh Hashanah] a few weeks ago). Most, however, recognize that the Hebrew word “yom”, while often translated as “day”, is actually not so easily translated. Even in context, “yom” can, in fact, refer to any period of time. That it’s most often used as “day” is more an artifact of modern Hebrew than it’s understanding in Biblical Hebrew.
d) This? This is part of what makes your bible so useless
a) No.
b) It’s Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!
c) Sadly, Jews are about as diverse on this as Christians are. There’s no shortage of homophobic Jews, but also no shortage of Jews who vehemently disagree with the sentiment quoted in the question…
d) Fuck off, homophobe.
a) I don’t have one.
b) I BELIEVE IN JESUS! I LOVE JESUS! JESUS IS IN MY HEART!
c) Of course, Jews won’t have such a testimony.
d) I don’t want to be saved. Can I have an Anti-Christian Testimony of Non-Salvation?
a) Creation? Do you mean the Big Bang? I go with the science.
b) The world was created in 6 days 6000 years ago! God said it, I believe it.
c) Most Jews are also fine with science, preferring instead Stephen J. Gould’s NOMA.
d) Your ideas of “creation” are ignorant. I’m betting it’s willful, too…
a) Honestly, the way this question is worded is pretty terrible. But in short, the Bible is no such thing.
b) God wrote it, I believe it.
c) The Tanakh was written by men inspired by God. Of course it is limited by the understanding of those men who wrote it, and of course it was written by men (because the times during which it were written were extremely misogynistic). We have to always consider the Tanakh within the context of its time, and translate it as such. After all… we are always wrestling with God.
d) Ha! That Bible is a many-thousands of years old collection of myths and fairy tales; nothing more.
a) In a way, they’re right.
b) Blasphemers! False prophets! Agents of Satan! Damned to Hell!
c) This is one I can’t answer definitively. Jewish ideas on this are almost as numerous as the Jewish religion, if not more so.
d) Well yeah… equally bullshit!
I get the impression I wouldn’t be hearing from them, anyways…
1. How does one get to heaven when they die?
===> you don’t…
2. Why do you believe YOU will go to heaven when you die?
===> i don’t….
3. What would cause anyone to go to hell?
===> a sense of irony. sounds like the food is pretty ok. and they have mini golf.
===> http://www.roadsideamerica.com/tip/2456
4. Do you believe suffering in hell is eternal?
===> i’m sure Michigan isn’t THAT bad.
5. What do you believe to be the main difference between Christianity and other religions?
===> Christians are the ones going out of the way to restrict my rights where i live.
6. Do you believe the earth is thousands of years old or millions of years or does it matter? Explain your thoughts.
===> 4.543 billion years…. http://lmgtfy.com/?q=earths+age
7. “I believe that the ONLY legitimate marriage sanctioned by God and given in Scripture is the joining of one natural born man and one natural born woman. All other unions are contrary to clear Biblical teaching.” Do you agree with this statement or disagree?
===> How nice of you to include cissexism and transphobia in with your homophobia.
8. Please provide a brief statement regarding your Christian Testimony of Salvation.
===> no thank you
9. Please provide a brief statement of your position regarding Creation.
===> Creation is a term of Exalted that represents the world.
===> Creation is basically a gigantic artifact constructed by the Primordials.
===> As a result, natural process and physical laws are very different from what one encounters in most other games.
===> http://whitewolf.wikia.com/wiki/Creation
10. Please provide a brief statement about your position as relates to the inspiration, inerrancy (100% accuracy) of the Bible as the ONLY true Word of God.
===> apparently God needs a new editor to proof read his Word.
11. How would you respond to someone who said “The Koran or the Book of Mormon are equally the Word of God.”?
===> yes…? not seeing a significant difference in likelihood between any holy books…
12. Please confirm that you have a valid email address with regular access and confirm that you will periodically check email for forms and information from AiG.
===> sure. my e-mail is no@spam.com
Hey TERFS, be proud. Your message is being picked up by the wonderful people from AiG
chigau
Clearly the one that the interviewer is holding and threatening to throw at you if you don’t beg for employment at slave rates…
Regarding #7 – The Bible is quite clear that the joining of one natural born man and one natural born woman is NOT the only legitimate marriage sanctioned by God and given in Scripture. However, it is very unclear about what a “natural born man” and “natural born women” are.
BTW What does it mean that God is male? He doesn’t reproduce, does He? At least not sexually.
I began thinking, understood the concept of Occam’s Razor, noticed that no god is needed. Am I doing this right?
@rietpluim #14:
http://www.fstdt.net/QuoteComment.aspx?QID=62318 does this answer your question?
“How do you get to heaven?”
By believing whatever I tell you about heaven.
What? What’s wrong with that answer? It’s the same as yours, Mr. Ham!
rietpluim
Projection by the priests. About 6 inches of it.
If you want to know what happpens after death, read Philip Jose Farmer’s “Riverworld” SF books.
Creation? Read Farmer’s “A Private Cosmos”! (but the lords of tose private cosmii were seriously fucked up)*
*(but they were still more believable than the Mormon god or the mainstream Xian one)
— — — — — — — —
Adam and Eve were made by a 3D printer. So they do not qualify as properly married under these conditions.
-This reminds me, the AI in William Gibson’s “Idoru” was made physically manifest at the end, so obviously AIs are at least as good at this “creation” game as Zod.
I just realised, you can find much more interesting pseudo-religious narratives in well-written science fiction than in the gobbedygook labeled “holy writings”!
Of course, the best, big-ass creator is The Eschaton, as described by Charles Stross, his prophet.
Does God have an X chromosome? Or is he like male reptiles and birds? Is the gender of gods determined by the temperature at which their eggs are incubated? Do small male gods become big female gods, like fish?*
(I don’t mean fish are gods*, but you know what I mean)
*Unless they are Yeshua ben Joseph, in which case they are Ichtyostega, or something.
Somehow, I don’t think ANY of you are going to get jobs – uhh, volunteer positions – there.
A new “documentary” played at my local theater last night: Finding Noah
I didn’t see it, I was busy shampooing my toes.
Even as a small child, when told of the Heaven we get to go to if we’re “good”, all I could think of was “sounds boring, hmmphhh”.
All the extra razzmajazz to make it sound better, still sounds like an eternity of doin nuthin, maybe singin now and then, with no sense of time from any actions and such. I still wonder why anyone would want to go there to spend the rest of eternity. Sounds o me like “a nice place to visit, but not not to live”.
That’s just gumpy ole me, likes to fiddle around with tinkering to pass the time. Heaven, no matter how golden presented, sounds borhrhr_r_r_r_ing.
Reginald Selkirk@22: “I was busy shampooing my toes.”
You’re a hobbit?
Yes, they are all equally the Word of God. As is The Cat in the Hat, Harry Potter, and the writings of the Marquis de Sade.
Also, I love that the Creation “Museum”‘s motto is, “Prepare to Believe”, even though belief is actually a pre-requisite.
NateHevens:
Yom occurs ~2300 times in the Tanakh, and ~1800 of the occurrences mean straightforwardly “day” or “days” plural. It “can refer to any period of time” in the same way that English “day” can: “in my day” “in those days,” that is, vaguely, to refer to a past time of unspecified duration. The only other discrete unit of time it is used to refer to is a year (or years in the plural), and that only about 20 times. It almost always just means “day” or is used in the sense of “age, era”.
In Genesis 1, it really is very clear that it refers to ordinary, 24-hour days, and the poetic repetition of “there was evening and there was morning, the [nth] day” reinforces that. “Day age” Creationism is a form of Old-Earth Creationism, and tries to obfuscate by fudging the translation on the principle that “yom” could take other meanings. It could, but it’s just that it doesn’t in Genesis 1.
This seems like a good team for Ken “piglet rapist” Ham to use: Swine team: pigs help uncover ice age tools on Scottish island:
Cheap (how much do you have to pay pigs?), effective, aren’t worried about the world being only c.6000 years old, and if they continue to prove what an eejit you is, there’s always bacon!
I think #1 is a trick question.
If they were just looking for standard Christian doctrine, they’d ask “How do you get *into* Heaven?”
“How do you get *to* Heaven?” doesn’t have a standard answer. Do you teleport there instantly, or do you have to travel? If you have to travel, does someone escort you or do you have to find your own way? What about that passage from Revelation that seems to be saying that Earth will *become* Heaven after Judgement Day and so you’ll stay on Earth after you’re resurrected?
My guess is that they’re not looking for a specific answer, they just want to make sure that you’re able to come up with a consistent and plausible explanation and then defend it. The equivalent secular job interview question is something like, “About how many gas stations are there in the US?”
I could never completely understand what heaven was but it was always very clear what hell was about.
I think in practice most christians are more afraid of going to hell then have a desire to be with jesus.
fear generally and fear of god in particular is very important in christianity.
to be cast into hell is to be abandoned alone for ever, a very bad thing for a social being.
uncle frogy
1. How does one get to heaven when they die? – They don’t. They re-enter the food web.
2. Why do you believe YOU will go to heaven when you die? – See above
3. What would cause anyone to go to hell? – Well there isn’t one, but hypothetically-speaking, I would say rape, child molestation, genocide because some people call their god by a different name than you, brainwashing children into believing they are somehow ‘broken’ or ‘sick’ because of who they chose to love, abusing (physically and mentally) others who use their genitals in ways you don’t approve of, and sanctimoniously leaving others to suffer hunger or disease because – rather than provide food and medical attention – you would rather provide cheap pocket Bibles and a sense of guilt. You know… things that xtians seem willing to turn a blind eye to or outright condone.
4. Do you believe suffering in hell is eternal? – Again, there isn’t a hell. And if you’re one of those Christians that falls into the above categories, you should be very thankful there isn’t one.
5. What do you believe to be the main difference between Christianity and other religions? – Christianity is the One True religion because its got a book that says so. Unlike all those other ones which don’t have a book that… oh, wait.
6. Do you believe the earth is thousands of years old or millions of years or does it matter? Explain your thoughts. – Billions. Seriously, how can anyone over the age of six doubt this?
7. “I believe that the ONLY legitimate marriage sanctioned by God and given in Scripture is the joining of one natural born man and one natural born woman. All other unions are contrary to clear Biblical teaching.” Do you agree with this statement or disagree? – I’ll just hand this one over to Deuteronomy 22: 28-29 and the pile of sanctimonious drivel that is “Biblically-sanctioned” matrimony.
8. Please provide a brief statement regarding your Christian Testimony of Salvation. – “Our Pasta, who “Arghh” in the colander, Swallowed be thy sauce…”
9. Please provide a brief statement of your position regarding Creation. – I would but it involves that godless physics and chemistry and biology stuff. And I know that isn’t your strong suit.
10. Please provide a brief statement about your position as relates to the inspiration, inerrancy (100% accuracy) of the Bible as the ONLY true Word of God. – It is a pile of nonsense written down by Bronze Age nomads. Its scientific basis is right out of voodoo and its moral strength is an insult to human dignity. If there really was a just and loving higher being, He/She/It would be appalled to have it labeled as “their” word.
11. How would you respond to someone who said “The Koran or the Book of Mormon are equally the Word of God.”? – Out of them, only the Book of Mormon is based on a Tony Award winning musical. Checkmate, non-Mormon Christians!
12. Please confirm that you have a valid email address with regular access and confirm that you will periodically check email for forms and information from AiG. – You bet. Let me put you in touch with my accountant. He’s a prince from Nigeria.
Re: #7: “…one natural born man and one natural born woman.”
Does “natural born” mean a vaginal birth? Is anybody whose birth involved a C-section ineligible?
Paul @ 32:
It appears that they’ve happily adopted TERF terms. Natural born means assigned male at birth, assigned female at birth. No filthy perversions (transgender peoples) allowed, oh no!
@PZ:
<snark> They have the same exact form, but there’s one more option for donating their salary to Answers in Genesis </snark>
@NateHevens:
I have two faint memories from reading about Jewish ideas about hell:
1) Some say that the damned are given the Sabbath off.
2) The fascinating story about the apostate Rabbi Elisha ben Abuyah has it ending with his grave smoking because he is suffering in hell, but prayers by his student Rabbi Meir (who was not/did not become an apostate) had sufficient merit to relieve this suffering.
I see from here:
http://www.davidhalperin.net/wp-content/uploads/2013/05/Elisha-Stories.pdf
that my memory of the latter is approximately correct — for the Palestinian Talmud. There is a different version in the Babylonian Talmud.
But none of these stories are part of a specific theology of damnation (eternal or otherwise) and salvation in Judaism. There are different midrashim, but no doctrine that I am aware of.
Yeah ! Let’s try this !
1. How does one get to heaven when they die?
Stairway, of course.
But can you climb a stairway when you die?
I guess people have to carry your coffin up there.
2. Why do you believe YOU will go to heaven when you die?
Hey, it’s true! Why would I believe such a silly thing? Thanks for reminding me.
3. What would cause anyone to go to hell?
Sometimes, when I meet a very annoying person, I tell them to “go to hell”. I guess a few of them will follow my orders. But not many.
4. Do you believe suffering in hell is eternal?
Nothing is eternal. Except hope, they say? But I’m not sure.
5. What do you believe to be the main difference between Christianity and other religions?
I think Christians are the only ones to believe that a guy called Jesus (or an Aramean version of this name) is the son of a god. Am I right ?
6. Do you believe the earth is thousands of years old or millions of years or does it matter? Explain your thoughts.
No, what I believe doesn’t matter at all. The Earth, whatever I might think, is billions of years old.
7. “I believe that the ONLY legitimate marriage sanctioned by God and given in Scripture is the joining of one natural born man and one natural born woman. All other unions are contrary to clear Biblical teaching.” Do you agree with this statement or disagree?
I’m not sure. The Bible doesn’t say that gays can’t marry, I think. What it says is that you should kill gay men. As for women… is there anything against a lesbian marriage in the Bible? I don’t think so. They just have to avoid seafood for the wedding fest.
8. Please provide a brief statement regarding your Christian Testimony of Salvation.
What the hell (if I may say) is that?
9. Please provide a brief statement of your position regarding Creation.
A great band! Look for their song “Making time” on Youtube.
10. Please provide a brief statement about your position as relates to the inspiration, inerrancy (100% accuracy) of the Bible as the ONLY true Word of God.
I think that’s BS.
Is that brief enough?
11. How would you respond to someone who said “The Koran or the Book of Mormon are equally the Word of God.”?
Just as valid, yes.
12. Please confirm that you have a valid email address with regular access and confirm that you will periodically check email for forms and information from AiG.
Oh, that’s a boring question…
Sad thing is that Ken Ham will actually find people that will be willing to work for free for a for-profit business meaning no paid vacation, no health & dental insurance, etc while the shareholders make money. Creationists are stupid.
#9. We were created by our parents, and their parents created their parents, etc.