I am an engineer and I work in a science field, in particular that of astronomy instrumentation development. I became atheist some years ago when an atheist colleague and I started talking about religion. I argued the points that “you can’t get something from nothing”, and “what’s the point of it all then”, quite for vociferously for ~3 hrs and then went home.
I thought a lot about what I was arguing, and also the contradiction I was living. In my career, I lived everything “evidence-based”, but in my personal religious life it was faith-based. Although, even though I prayed and all that, I was never, I don’t think, a 100% hard-core believer.
I realized that I was living a life of intellectual hypocrisy, that it lacked integrity, and that I couldn’t live like that anymore. Truth mattered to me more than comfort, and the science I had learned since working in the astronomy field made the notion of the existence of an elusive supernatural deity quite frankly ridiculous.
I went to work the next day, and declared to my colleague, “that’s it, I’m atheist”. And I’ve never looked back. There is simply no evidence to support the existence of a god or gods, and in fact all of the evidence is contrary to that existence. I feel free to think and question what I like, and no longer have a ‘target’ on my back. I find that socializing with religious people is like socializing with people who really believe Santa Claus exists. Much (although not all) of my family, including my daughters and my wife’s family are highly religious. I find there is a barrier there to true communication; really getting to know people and what they are like and think at a deep level is off the discussion list, because of religion. With my family who is not religious (and they are quite well educated as well), some deep and interesting discussions occur, as happens as well with my atheist colleagues.
It came with a price, though. I believe turning atheist was the major contributing factor to my divorce, which happened a few years later. A very painful and expensive process! But now I’m with someone who is atheist as well, and life couldn’t be better. I have read many books in the meantime, starting with ‘On the Origin of Species’, many of Dawkins’ books (reading ‘God Delusion’ was like savouring a delicious meal), Harris, Hitchens, books on psychology, books on morality, and now blogs. I also believe I have a much deeper appreciation of our/my existence, the Universe, and all of the complexity and wonder involved. Life is good. Life as I know it is exceedingly rare and precious. And life is finite and must be enjoyed to its fullest. That’s what I try to think of and do every day.
BCskeptic
Canada
I like this very much. The way you chose truth over comfort rings loud and clear to me. The way you couldn’t have honest discussions with religious people but could with non-religious ones hits home. I have to be careful what I say around my religious brothers and their families, but not around my non-religious friends. What a difference! Your decision cost you your family but gained you an understanding of life that you didn’t have before. Life truly is good when you live it honestly.
I’m going to use your line “I find that socializing with religious people is like socializing with people who really believe Santa Claus exists.” Sometimes it’s more kind to pretend with them if they’re too fragile to take any blasphemy, and sometimes you have to help them grow up a bit. In any case, you’re dealing with people who are invested in a fantasy.
Great letter- now I don’t have to write mine for another year or so. :) A strong preference for honesty was a huge factor in my life. I’m so fortunate that my wife preferred honesty and truth as well. We talk about the coolest things together, and I pity colleagues and friends that must discuss everything within the narrow limits of what their religion permits them to think.
Impressive. I admire people who can make an actual decision based on evidence (it took me 40 years to go from theist to deist to universal deist to agnostic to atheist). To do that in one night? You trust yourself, which is an unusual ability.
This is one of the best deconversion posts I have seen.
PZ, can the best of these be made into a book?
That’s how it went for me, BCskeptic, only in my case the other person was a Christian who didn’t think I was Christian enough (read: fundagelical) and I spread my personal dithering over several months. The real turning point was when I realized there was no “get out of jail free” card for God.
Like you, I had been using a double standard with evidence for god vs the natural world, but I had been rationalizing it: God was inherently untestable. The harder you try, the more he retreats to the gaps. And since some of those gaps are incredibly fuzzy and subtle, I figured god was safe. Until I realized a fuzzy, subtle god was still testable; those things add up. Christians should have better “luck”, or prayer really should help the sick. Even if the effect was small, it should still be significant. And if it wasn’t, I was left with a god who matched the null hypothesis. Intellectual honesty and consistency demanded I reject the claim.
I had been trying to have my cake and eat it too: A god who was real, who did genuine, meaningful, helpful things for people, yet who wasn’t testable. But I realized you simply cannot have both, and any real god that matches the negative evidence we now have has to be so feeble as to be negligible. It still wasn’t easy to let go–those No God Glasses are scary at first–but as Julia noted, the world did not end, gravity did not fail, and life went on as it had been. The universe doesn’t give a damn about my delusions, whether I keep them or not.
It took me a long time to get to where you got overnight.
It certainly is a sensitive matter where other’s beliefs are concerned. I’m careful to a point but not afraid to let it be known where I stand. It’s gotten much easier now that I have been able to find people of similar mind in my area through Freethinkers. And, I was lucky enough to find a mate who thinks like I do.
Thank-you, BCskeptic… and to the commenters mentioning the issue of honesty with regard to belief/lack of it. I was ‘saved’ several times, years ago but the emotional feeling I had was what I now understand to have been abreaction, a misdirected dump of feeling, a rush of giving-in to pressures that were harming me. Those who have not been dragged up through childhood with religious fervor find this odd, mysterious, or simply judge it stupidity. It is indeed stupid, as smoking cigarettes is stupid. I will never forget the day I finally quit smoking Jesus… I said ‘not this time’ and felt only that I had now heard myself in a unique way at least once in my life… I did it again the next day and again after that until one day I didn’t need to say anything. I could experience the quiet. I was not sure that I could stop believing and be honest at the same time… that was not in the Baptist dictionary. Religion is the worst form of doublespeak that some children must face in life because it comes from mom/dad, the first-love of a child’s life, a powerful foundation of human reality… the harm done early and well, trumps the simple truth that there is no God, that the glory of salvation is knowing life, not lack of it in lies.
SometimesI am very happy I became an atheist by simply drifting into while I was still a child.Thanks for articulating what I have not been able to. Change “astronomy” to whatever the hell it is I do, and that could be me.
Thanks BCskeptic. For the longest time, I had a hard time describing the niceness whenever I encountered Christians. Now thanks to your description about religion limiting true communication with people, I realize that it was like they couldn’t be themselves because they believed they were being watched by their god. Religion not only limits what they’re allowed to think about and who they can be.
I did not sufficiently realize my fortune in having a wife and daughter whose lack of faith agrees with mine.
“everything “evidence-based”, but my personal religious life”
Compartmentalization’s a bitch. (And mentally unhealthy). Welcome to the bright side.
I gave up the whole treading-on-egg-shells around co-workers, friends, and family. Fuck em; living a lie is their problem. Pretending to go along with it is what has damaged society. (Just imagine the US GOP race with no religion mentioned). It gets you fired and you lose a subset of your friends, maybe, but you don’t have to pretend that the Easter Bunny deserves our respect and therefore you stop making the baby FSM cry!
I always think it is funny how so many engineers are religious (I am one and have never been) but I guess the god as designer/builder thing has an appeal. Many engineers that I work with are religious and I’ve been becoming more up front about my atheism over the years. Pleasingly, I’ve had some good conversations and I think a couple have at least realized I am not a sad, immoral, lonely person for not having any faith and that if they continue with their doubts, nothing horrible will happen.
Religious faith has been very much a barrier to communication at some point with my family when they start seeing how irrational their position is. When they get emotional about it, I stop. Not that it happens very often.
Thank you for sharing, and that’s most excellent that you found a more compatible love. Warm fuzzies.
@14 fly44d:
Yeah, maybe it’s because they “don’t get out much”. I’ll admit that before working in the astronomy field I was in a comfort zone of ignorance; astronomy, evolutionary biology, atheism, the fundamental nature of matter and the Universe, weren’t even on my radar screen. Perhaps this is the case with the engineers you work with.
But when you help build instruments that probe deep space (and most non-physicist/astronomer people I talk to don’t have the slightest clue how deep “deep” is), and start to understand the implications of it all, well, it’s just staring you in the face, and it can’t be ignored!
I also started my layperson education in evolutionary biology by going direct to the source, “On The Origin of Species”, first edition. I was astounded at the depth of research, years, and thought that went into that book! And Darwin didn’t pull punches when he challenged his own theory. No wonder it has had such an enormous impact! I followed it up with several of Dawkins’ books, including, “The Selfish Gene”, “The Blind Watchmaker”, and now more recently, “The Greatest Show on Earth”. (I anxiously await PZ’s book as well.)
The “story” (not the made up kind), revealed by (countless, painstaking person-hours of) scientific inquiry is truly astounding, fascinating, and wonderous, and makes religion look by comparison, exceedingly silly. It makes me feel sorry for those still trapped in ignorance, whether by their own choice, or through lack of opportunity.