You all know that if you masturbate, you will become feeble, blind, and incontinent, right? Well, at least according to folk wisdom shouted at you by grandmas and grandpas (who, I will assure you, masturbated: it’s a nearly universal practice.) As it turns out, a compendium of Islamic thought on masturbation agrees on all points, and adds a few other consequences of the practice I bet you never thought of.
Atta (Rahmatullahi alaihi) says: “Some people will be resurrected in such a condition that their hands will be pregnant, I think they are those who masturbate.” (Tafsir Mazhari, vol 12, pg 94)
I am trying to visualize that, and failing. Fortunately.
Have no fear, though, there is a remedy! Under Islam, you are not allowed to masturbate, but you are encouraged to have sex with your slave girls!