You all know that if you masturbate, you will become feeble, blind, and incontinent, right? Well, at least according to folk wisdom shouted at you by grandmas and grandpas (who, I will assure you, masturbated: it’s a nearly universal practice.) As it turns out, a compendium of Islamic thought on masturbation agrees on all points, and adds a few other consequences of the practice I bet you never thought of.
Atta (Rahmatullahi alaihi) says: “Some people will be resurrected in such a condition that their hands will be pregnant, I think they are those who masturbate.” (Tafsir Mazhari, vol 12, pg 94)
I am trying to visualize that, and failing. Fortunately.
Have no fear, though, there is a remedy! Under Islam, you are not allowed to masturbate, but you are encouraged to have sex with your slave girls!
So slave-women have less rights than our hands?
right, hands, get it? oh dear…
Insightful Ape says
Praise allah! While in his wisdom he bans things that are bad for us, he always opens “new” horizons to our sight.
Hey, PZ, where do we go to get our quota of nubile slave girls?
Oh yeahhhhh, i get it. Feckin’ Paradise, eh.
Rev. BigDumbChimp says
Pregnant hands huh?
It’s going to be very difficult to honor kill my relatives with pregnant hands.
Mebbe he meant, “pregnant paws”.
Mad Hatter says
I had a dream once that I had pregnant hands….at least they were a big as balloons and looked pregnant. I wonder what that means?? A glimpse into my future??
Pierce R. Butler says
… if you masturbate, you will become feeble, blind, and incontinent, right? Well, at least according to folk wisdom shouted at you by grandmas and grandpas (who, I will assure you, masturbated…
Who therefore are speaking from experience. Please note the high incidence of feebleness, blindness and incontinence among the grandparent cohort…
Hence the term “pregnant paws”.
If only I didn’t have these giant, 3rd trimester fingers I could have typed faster than vanharris.
Clearly this Atta fellow is a sexist bigot – after all, he only imagines what happens to *men* who masturbate. Granted, someone whose clitoris was razored off (and vulva closed with thorns?) probably doesn’t masturbate.
But what about the ones who do. Do their hands become testicles?
And do their gloves fit them like a pair of pants?
Well, this totally explains why my grandma forgot who she was and everyone around her.
Krystalline Apostate says
It is said the Shaitan makes less work for pregnant hands.
Definition of Rejection?
You go to masturbate and you hand falls asleep.
There you go again, always picking on the mild-mannered Muslims. I bet you’d never dare to say anything like this about Christians, ’cause then they’d put out a contract on you or blow you up or something.
Oh, wait… I’m getting this the wrong way round aren’t I? :)
I hope those folks obsessed with Mpreg, male pregnancy, don’t come across the idea of pregnant hands.
Levi in NY says
Interesting title…”Masturbation: A Disastrous Problem Faced By Youth”. Just a couple corrections. That should be “Masturbation: An Awesome Activity Practiced By Virtually Everybody”.
Meh. they’re so eeeeevuuul they will abort them cute small hand babies anyway.
I’m imagining giving birth to small hand-sized babies that look like those troll dolls. But maybe it’s because I’ve breathed in way to much solvent back when I was doing organic chemistry.
I used to be a Muslim (male) and was never told this!! Only thing I was told was after ejaculation I should wash thouroughly…
Now I have to face the prospect of pregnant hands?!? FSM have mercy!
what is the reach of this in the muslim countries,what is the influence of the man who wrote this, or is it just a marginal oddity?
Rey Fox says
Oh my pregnant head…
What happened to hairy palms?
Mad Hatter @#6:
I’m guessing it means you fell asleep while listening to “Comfortably Numb”.
What happened to hairy palms?
SO does that mean that I, as a woman, will also get pregnant hands? Or will I become impregnated by hands? Oh wait, I forgot; women don’t matter and have no sexual desires anyway.
Also, it’s very surprising to find out that 97% of adults are feeble, blind, and incontinent. I never noticed that before.
Matt Penfold says
Go stand in the corner!
OK. I expect a call from Homeland Security soon. I tried to google the person who’s teachings are the basis of this brilliant paper. Saleh At Tamimi. Unfortunately, I had a typo… I didn’t find much of practical use, but I ended up in A LOT of websites that I am pretty sure are being monitored by the eye in the sky. And so…Probably when I try to get on a plane in the future….I will be searched.
I have really got to control my curiosity.
Allah hates masturbation? Big deal. Allah hates everything. Give him some cereal and tell him to fuck himself. Oh wait…
Fun fact: Sperm are capable of fertilizing any human cell, but the resulting triploid zygote is inviable and doesn’t develop beyond the morula stage. However, the hands are not normally fertilized because the outer layer of dead epidermal cells acts as a barrier between sperm and living keratinocytes. You may be worried about fertilization occurring in the mouth, but it seems that mouth pH and perhaps amylase secretion are both adaptations to hinder sperm. Other mucous membranes do not have these adaptations, which is likely why such strong social taboos have evolved against those routes of entry.
Fun fact 2: Lying can be a hoot… right, Atta?
Berny G says
If God/YHWH/Jehovah/Allah had meant for people to not masturbate, he would have made their arms too short to reach the “danger zones”.
…and nowI’m having visions of helpless T. Rexes trying to masturbate. So much for getting any work done today. (There’s also a Jack Horner joke here somewhere…)
Molly, NYC says
At first I thought this Atta was making a joke, and maybe he was.
However, the compiler of this advice also claims that a predilection for self-abuse is formed by, among other things,
So what is causing these pure sons of Islam to choke their lizards? The Jews, natch.
(Also from the paper:
When you hear a scientist from that region go all mealy-mouthed when discussing evolution–much like, say, a biology prof at Bob Jones trying to save his job–remember that there was a time when the Mid-East had the best scientists on the planet.)
It also scrues up ones speling abilitties.
Ahhh PZ. How I laughed.
My doctor told me I was going to have to stop masturbating. He said it was making it very difficult to take my pulse & blood pressure.
Which reminds me…
Next time you see your doctor ask him/her if they know the difference between oral & rectal thermometers. You’d be surprised how many of them don’t know the answer – the taste. I consider this cause for concern.
So when Dr. Tiller’s assassin was planning to chop off Dr. Tiller’s hands he was, in fact, planning an abortion. Go figure.
So does a masturbating martyr get 70 pairs of virgin hands in heaven?
T. Bruce McNeely says
Practise safe wanking – always wear a rubber (glove)!
Does a prenant hand give birth to the Hamburger Helper Guy?
I heard that “go blind” stuff before. I just did it until I needed glasses. I must be slowing down. My prescription hasn’t changed in five years.
Apparently, somebody needs to pull Atta aside and explain where babies come from.
Isn’t it (sad/interesting/hilarious/surreal) that the more ignorant people are, the more convinced they are that they’re smart.
Eileen @ #10:
Mutilating females isn’t obligatory in Islam, it’s more of a cultural bonus for some.
It’s just the MGM that’s part of the official party line.
Steven Mading says
This line I found rather humorous:
“These youth have thus only excelled in sports, music, and hair styling.”
What an odd combination of extracurricular activities.
You’re all wankers!
Now that was a giveaway if I ever saw one. But it leaves a… satisfied feeling behind. A bit sticky but satisfied.
New England Bob @ 22
We were discussing wanking with the kids the other day (the old ‘do it as much as you want – in YOUR room with the door SHUT’ discussion again)and I jokingly mentioned hairy palms as a possible outcome of over indulgence.
our 8 yo looked at his hands, looked at me and said ‘well I know that’s a big lie!’
Steven Mading says
From Page 18, second paragraph:
Uhm…. Serialized??? What the hell does that have to do with anything about masturbation?
Who gets off on the fact that a film is told in serialized form? “Those one-shot movies… man they just don’t do anything for me but when I see the words “to be continued…” at the end of the film, Oh God I just can’t help myself!”
Religions are so obsessed with their followers’ (and everyone else’s) genitals because they need to keep people ignorant, confused and guilt-ridden. If they feel free to pleasure themselves and don’t apologize for it, they won’t be dependent on clerics to reassure them they can still be in good standing with the Magic Skydaddy.
Probably a really radical bunch of nuts, considering the “jews are the root of all evil” bit, but still hilarious.
Honestly though: are anyone taking them seriously? Or are they just raving?
Even Christianity peddles this kind of non-sense.
And, about one’s hands being pregnant when you resurect, I wonder if anyone of the parynguloids would make an illustration of that.
Somnolent Aphid says
If by becoming feeble, blind, and incontinent, you mean I’ll live to be 110, at which age I’ll certainly have all of those features, then yes, daily if not more.
From the document:
Note how masturbation obviously isn’t mentioned by Allah (preys be upon Him), so his followers are forced to wring it out of the text to make it fit custom. Classic.
Midnight Rambler says
Yeah, that really doesn’t make any sense. After all, they don’t need to be more than 15 minutes long to get the job done (or much less depending on the viewer).
It does occur to me that there’s a vocabulary problem here. Masturbation in women is celebrated as “empowering” (or at least hot on video), whereas discussions of the Solitary Vice in males employ words like “wank” and “fap”. Since no one with any self-respect could engage in anything that could be described as “wanking”…then Allah gets what he wants: no more Solitary Vice, at least amongst males sensitive to derisive terminlogy.
Working on the basis that masturbation isn’t a recent discovery, I am wondering where all these people are with pregnant hands?
Will they give birth to tiny, disembodied hands that scuttle over the floors and unsettle visitors?
College Humor already covered this! NSFW http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pQtKnDGhxmk
Oh sure, you’d never say anything like that to those Christian Fanatics!
(/reverse fatwah envy)
Keep your hands off that!
Put them on his/hers instead, it’s more fun with two.
“It’s an Aww Gee when there’s three, because then there’s no one left for me! Aww Gee! ” — Benny Hill.
'Tis Himself, OM says
I can’t run a six minute mile any more, I wear glasses, and I pee much more frequently than I did 20 years ago. I used to think all that was because I was getting older. Now I know the real reason.
Bender: It’s used to it. Woooo! …
Ah. I see the authors are South Africans. Guess they have too much…uh, time…on their hands.
Oh, and it’s not just masturbation. It’s gays as well…
They appear to be drawing some conclusions from what previous mullahs did NOT say, e.g. (paraphrase) “If masturbation was okay, it would be in this list of okay things from this guy…”
I love religious logic.
I also note that at no point do they define masturbation. So you’d have to Google it, I guess. No danger in that…
Nice that it’s available on the internet, of course; what, precisely, do they think these legions of Muslim youth will be doing on the net?
For those unwilling to read the whole thing, they include a list of biological harms done by masturbation. I especially like the bit where Islamic science has determined that it takes eighty drops of blood to produce one drop of semen. I’d have like to see the testing involved in that conclusion.
No more info-dumping, I promise, but that list is practically dripping with wrongness, if you’ll forgive the imagery…
I wonder if the authors experience the difficulty of not looking at handsome young lads? (Not that there’s anything wrong with looking at handsome lads, of course; I might not be the Official SpokesGay, but I agree with everything Josh has ever said…)
Apart from that, there’s an interesting distinction. Strange women and handsome young lads.
Use of the the word ‘handsome’ alone suggests to me that the author of this piece almost got off while writing it. ‘Handsome’ he said, nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more.
Actually, there isn’t a total consensus about masturbation in Islam. Marriage is encouraged and if that is not possible, fasting is recommended. (I don’t understand how that works, getting hungry on top of being horny, but the recommendation is there). Some *scholars*, even, don’t think it is forbidden.
Practically, everybody does it. When I had religion (of *peace*), I used to feel guilty about it but nevertheless I would do it. When I ask a *brother* about it, they would try to avoid the question by saying things like “it’s better if you didn’t do it, but it is not really that big of a deal.”
aratina cage of the OM says
Well I was going to say, if hands can get pregnant then that explains the stigmata, but Muslims would probably use that to laugh at Christians.
Actually, masturbation is a win-win for any religion. You just *know* everyone’s doing it, and nothing you say is going to stop them; so rather make them feel guilty about it. This allows you to control them better.
Again, it’s the whole “sin” concept – pick stuff you know people are going to do, and then declare it’s wrong.
I mean, c’mon, why else would “shellfish” be in that list in Leviticus?
If it’s done right!
I confess when I discovered the wonderful vice, I had no idea anyone else shared my sin, and I seriously wondered whether manual pregnancy was a possibility. I reasoned that there aren’t any of the apparently necessary organs there, but when the potential costs are so high, it’s best, at least in theory, to err on the side of caution. Needless to say, I threw all caution to the wind in practice.
Aren’t nocturnal emissions usually a result of abstinence rather than indulgence?
sorry PZ call FAIL the link is like proclaiming that all xians are running under phelps rules http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fred_Phelps
for serious discussion of muslim religious thought please refer here. I have had honest questions about their beliefs answered thoughtfully from here.
of course that is only one of the main branches of Islam so your mileage may vary
sounds reasonable to me :-)
blockquote fail above, sorry.
haram means forbidden or wrong,to a degree? Dunno if they have saturday reconciliation masses or sunday stonings to cover that. Point being that evangelicals of islam dont even know their own rules, much like the xian evangelicals.