I’ve always wondered what these “conversations with god” were like


And now Kent Hovind has transcribed one for us.

I don’t know. God sounds like a condescending, sanctimonious dick to me. I think I’m rather glad we aren’t friends.

Comments

  1. jba says

    Uh… huh. So god quotes (paraphrases?) the bible when he talks. Isnt that like giving yourself as a reference?

  2. says

    With a little editing here and there this could be a great comedic script. The possiblities are endless.

  3. tceisele says

    Wow. Kent Hovind’s idea of what a conversation with God sounds like, is awfully close to parts of the script of Oh, God. I wonder if he pictures God as looking like George Burns?

  4. Jonboy says

    Hovind. “God if you loved me so much why did you let them
    lock me up?” God. “It’s all part of my perfect plan for you, so shut the f**k up and stop asking stupid questions”

  5. booger says

    Isn’t that technically a thread, not an email? And why can’t they display the headers, so we can see what God’s email address is and who his ISP is?

    Inquiring minds want to know.

  6. Rey Fox says

    I only made it through the first page or so. After the second time he had God saying “I know, I was there”, it started to seem like a put-on. I mean, surely if God were to talk to me like I was a four-year old, I’d get peeved, almighty or not.

  7. says

    The following is a writing that we recently received from Dr. Hovind.
    It shares part of his experience in an unusual format–an e-mail exchange between himself and God.

    And thus saith the Lord, “How the Hell do I turn on the spam filter?”

  8. Brian Thompson says

    GOD: Do you see why my perfect law (Psalms 19:7) allowed for beatings (Deuteronomy 25), fines (Exodus 22), and death (Exodus 21:12), but never prison?

    This is absolutely awful. I’d much prefer a six hour stint of wearing handcuffs to beatings and death. I can’t believe he’s making this stuff up.

  9. MartinC says

    “GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn’t we?”
    What the Hell! God is Napoleon Dynamite.

  10. says

    I am 100% certain that God has never read the Bible, so I don’t believe “Dr.” Hovind had a conversation with him. He was really talking to Satan, obviously. Prince of thieves and yadda yadda.

  11. Richard Harris, FCD says

    I thought this god was supposed to be omniscient. So how come it keeps asking Hovind questions?

    What a load of crap! (God, & the text).

  12. Randy C. says

    Rey Fox:
    I only made it through the first page or so. After the second time he had God saying “I know, I was there”, it started to seem like a put-on. I mean, surely if God were to talk to me like I was a four-year old, I’d get peeved, almighty or not.

    But you’re not Kent Hovind. He prefers to be spoken to in those terms.

    I did have two questions.

    First, why did they refer to him as “Dr” Hovind?

    Second, Hovind has always claimed that he never had the necessary time to engage in written debates about evolution. He appears to have a lot of time on his hands now and he clearly has access to email. So why isn’t he using this time to display his brilliant arguments in such written debates?

  13. windy says

    GOD: I know a lot about back pain, son.

    Hanging by your hands is supposed to be good for back pain…

  14. Hank Fox says

    Oh, man. I couldn’t read that whole thing. It was like staring at a man talking and gesturing to himself on the street corner.

  15. Pablo says

    This sounds like the Gospel according to Stewie:

    “Yay, and the Lord said unto Abraham, ‘You must kill your son, Isaac.’ And Abraham said, ‘I can’t hear you, you’ll have to speak into the microphone.’ And God said, ‘Oh, I’m sorry. Is this better? Test. Test. Check. Check. Jerry, pull the high end out, I’m still getting some hiss back here.'”

  16. 386sx says

    Uh… huh. So god quotes (paraphrases?) the bible when he talks. Isnt that like giving yourself as a reference?

    When one is the greatest reference in the universe then I think one is allowed to reference oneself. Anywhere from the creation stories in Genesis all the way through to the Revelation testament of Saint John, the testament with the giant flying birdie horsies in there.

  17. tony says

    Actually — Beatings & Death sound like a great alternative to spending time on the same planet with these wingnuts — at least after I’m dead they can’t get me ‘cos neither I nor they will exist….

    and don’t come back with any comments about the ‘afterlife’ — no god, no satan, no heaven, no hell, no soul, no bardo, no limbo: nothing, nada, only void.

    (as an aside — if Xians are all so fired up about ‘life’ and what it means — why are they so damn pre-occupied with death?)

  18. says

    The whole thing is even funnier if you imagine Terry Jones as God and a hapless Michael Palin as Kent. Read it again, and this time do the voices!

  19. says

    What is really sad are the parents who are proud of their children’s brainwashing:

    “my 14 year old son who can quote nearly all of your 7 DVD Seminar and who has watched all of your debates as well as watching CSE 101, 102, 103 and 104 multiple times. You have taught him so much.”

    “My family and I recently discovered your DVDs. We are enjoying them very much and sharing them with friends and family.”

    One comment they let slip through:

    “I can’t help but think that committing fraud, getting convicted, and going to jail is quite a strange way to spread the gospel.”

    And my favorite:

    “I pray for those evolutionist & atheists that are re-thinking their position as a result of what is done to brother Kent Hovind, that you kindly in your mercy & love…, reach out unto them by your Holy Spirit & convince them of sin…”

    First, I doubt that even one athiest or evolutionist is “re-thinking their position as a result” of what is happening to a convicted fraud preacher.

    Second, whenever anybody tells me that they are going to pray for me, I tell them I am going to masturbate for them; since prayer is spiritual self-stimulation generally accompanied by fantasy, just like masturbation is physical self-stimulation generally accompanied by fantasy.

  20. says

    Wow, that was… surreal. Philip says “Hi.” Job says “Hang in there!” Joseph and Paul say “Yes, that hurts him, but you should have seen my ankles.”

    I have seen the inside of Hovind’s mind, and that’s more than enough. I’ll just slowly back away from the deep pit of crazy now…

    (Also, it reads more like a chat log than an email exchange, but whatever.)

  21. says

    [W]henever anybody tells me that they are going to pray for me, I tell them I am going to masturbate for them…

    Ingenious! Mind if I use it on the wing-nuts who come to my university on occasion?

  22. says

    “Actually — Beatings & Death sound like a great alternative to spending time on the same planet with these wingnuts — at least after I’m dead they can’t get me ‘cos neither I nor they will exist….”
    Posted by: tony

    I saw a wonderful T-shirt recently that read:

    I MAY BE GOING TO HELL . . . . . BUT AT LEAST YOU WON’T BE THERE

  23. says

    God said:

    You will se him in Heaven, son.

    God makes typos?

    jba said:

    Uh… huh. So god quotes (paraphrases?) the bible when he talks. Isnt that like giving yourself as a reference?

    Recursion, tautology, whatever. :D God can ignore rules, like logic, thermodynamics, and grammar.

  24. Rey Fox says

    Suppose Ken had claimed to have spoken with God through his prison-approved hairbrush…

  25. Janine says

    It would seen that God is a Skinnerian, giving Hovind positive reenforcement with every statement.

  26. says

    [W]henever anybody tells me that they are going to pray for me, I tell them I am going to masturbate for them…

    “Ingenious! Mind if I use it on the wing-nuts who come to my university on occasion?”
    Posted by: Shawn Wilkinson

    Please feel free. Just tell them you’re proselytizing them.

  27. Sailor says

    “GOD: You have no idea about a lot of things, son. Would a two-and-a-half-hour bus ride in a cage be a small price to pay for eighty-seven souls? For even one soul?”

    Reminds me of a joke: A Caribbean taxi driver and priest arrive together at the gates of heaven. The taxi driver gets welcomed in with open arms and the priest is left standing. He asks Peter for an explanation.

    Peter says:
    “We work by results here. Everytime you preached people slept, everytime he drove they prayed.”

  28. says

    Most people who hear voices from unseen speakers and get messages from invisible, intangible creatures… especially the people who hear voices and get messages AND commit crimes, usually get put on heavy medication and committed to hospital care.

    How is it that getting messages from God is any different?

  29. tony says

    Another relatively mindless comment (sorry)

    If you were having a conversation with God – wouldn’t you want to talk about something a little more substantive, and less like you’d have with a bored neighbor?

    Maybe that’s why God’s never spoken to me — do I expect too much?

    My hypothetical conversation with God…(god is played by a spoiled child with the IQ of a gnat, and happens to sound like the geico gecko – sorry)

    Canto #1:
    tony: Dear God – Why do you let innocent people die in places like Darfur?
    god: It’s ineffable!
    tony: By ineffable, what do you mean exactly?
    god: well it’s like this. I’m an old greybeard, right? I’m basically WASP, and I’ve got a truly biblical bad-ass attitude. So the Darfur thing is there as an example.
    tony: But what kind of example do you mean? I’m afraid all I see if that you’re an utter bastard for letting such a thing happen.
    god: at last! Somebody gets it! Yes! I am a bastard. I’m mean, and spiteful, and I can kiss you and knife you at the same time. Those Mafia types have got nothing on me! Yeah me!
    tony: You bastard!
    god: bastard, Lord, if you don’t mind!

    Canto #2:
    tony: I still don’t get you!
    god: Well you wouldn’t would you? I’m god, and you’re not! Stands to reason you can’t get me! If you could get me, then you’d be god! but you’re not, so deal with it!
    tony: You supposedly have all this power, right?
    god: surely do!
    tony: so why don’t you use it for good?
    god: define good? To me good is anything that doesn’t get my dander up… like you’re doing right now!
    tony: so questioning is, in your terms, bad?
    god: not bad exactly, just not good. Why do you think I kept using the sheep thing as an example. I like sheep. Sheep follow the herd. And the leader of the sheep isn’t any smarter… it just happens to be going in some random direction.
    tony: so you want me to not question, and just follow?
    god: exactamente! you might be getting the hang of this….
    tony: but who do you expect me to follow?
    god: anybody you like. I’ll let you know when you die if you’ve followed the right one!
    tony: you mean you won’t tell me?
    god: nope! ineffable, right?
    tony: but if I follow the bible, do what it says, that’s good, right?
    god: ain’t saying! you’ll just have to wait and see

    canto #3
    tony: oh dear – I appear to be dying
    god: ….
    tony: god?
    tony: cooee – hey god!
    tony: hmmmm.
    tony: apparently theis god thing was just a figment of my imagination

  30. windy says

    God is such a rascal, leaking the convicts’ sensitive personal information to the whole world through Hovind… Someone should ask this Jerome guy (if he exists) what he thinks about Hovind calling his mama a prostitute. That should make for some harmless prison fun, right?

  31. says

    If I were talking to god and I said, “I had a hard day today,” and he said for the forty-seventh time, “I know, I was there with you,” I would have responded with “THEN WHY THE FUCK AM I WASTING MY TIME TALKING TO YOU, YOU PEDANTIC KNOW-IT-ALL CUNT?!”

    My heart goes out to Hovind. He clearly has the patience of a saint to be able to put up with that smarmy asshole.

  32. says

    Armchair psychoanalysis:

    Given the fact that “god” calls Kent “son” in every sentence, I’m getting the distinct impression of a man who is trying to fill the gap left by an uncaring, emotionally-distant father with his imaginary friend “god”.

    “God” might seem like a dick here — but the truly pitiable figure is Hovind, clearly still trying to live up to the perfection Daddy expected of him — and clearly still failing.

  33. J-Dog says

    At least one of the people posting a comments has a clue – they were down on Hovind for giving evangelicals a bad name with us atheists.

    Regarding Hovind’s “Conversation With God”… IMO, nothin’ but a cheap legal ploy, going for the “I Got Mental Problems” early release. You can bet your sweet Robertson that this piece of nonsense will appear in a future parole request.

  34. Son Of Slam says

    For me, the ultimate in hubris is saying you know what God’s will is… I would think if they were so devout, they’d be a little more humble.

    But then, I’m just a damned atheist anyway.

  35. Mel says

    Who knew Monty Python and Holy Grail captured a conversation with God so accurately? I had always just assumed it was satire. Or is Kent trying to write satire? I get confused.

  36. tony says

    A quote from about halfway down the first page

    GOD: You are doing fine, son. You are still in my will.

    I never knew that god needed a will! Who is the executor? And will they need to pay estate taxes?

    We need to know!

  37. Shawn S. says

    GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn’t we? Thank you for loving me and talking with me.

    Sweet fellowship, eh? Sounds like Kent’s cell mate has been divinely inspring him in those lonely nights.

    …I guess that explains the “OH GOD!” coming from the cell. Gimme more of your sweet fellowship, baby!

  38. Navin says

    I will overturn your case, son, when I’m done using you for this special mission. Do you think the US government or the Bureau of Prisons could hold you if I wanted you out?”

    Well look at that. Hovind’s deity put forth a verifiable/testable claim.

  39. tacitus says

    Don’t you just love the way God only makes unverifiable predictions just like the regular psychics, John Edward and Sylvia Brown? I mean, it’s one thing to claim that 87 people no one knows will be saved because of some of Hovind’s actions in jail, but when it comes to, say, letting us know when Hovind will be released, all we get is equivocation.

    And the whole exercise reminds me of that famous Dickens character from David Copperfield, Uriah Heap, once described as “An abject toady, malignant as he is base; always boasting of his ‘umble birth, ‘umble position, ‘umble abode, and ‘umble calling.”

    Could that quotation be any more appropriate?

  40. says

    “GOD: I love you more than your little brain could ever comprehend. You do have plenty of sin–though that’s not why you are there. We will keep working on that sin list regardless of where you are.”

    Delusional fuck he might be, but he still has the wherewithal to assert his innocence whenever he can.

    “Philip is watching you (Hebrews 12:1). He’s cheering you on. He says, “Hi.” His mansion is near yours.”

    So he knows he’s got a spot in heaven? A mansion no less? I’ve never been so filled with revile for another human being as this piece of shit has inspired in me. If I don’t stop myself, I may wish something very Christian (ie Zechariah 13:3) happens to the man.

  41. Shawn S. says

    Check out this comment in the thread following the ‘transcript’:

    ————–
    I can’t help but think that committing fraud, getting convicted, and going to jail is quite a strange way to spread the gospel.

    Besides, Kent Hovind’s conviction got a high profile in the press, and I fear has confirmed the opinion of many Atheists and Christians that evangelists are just crooks. Kent would need to witness to half the US jail population to make up for all the people he has driven away from Christianity by his fraud and conviction.
    ——

    I wouldn’t think Kent’s converting some criminals would make up for anything he did if it is converting them to Hovind’s brand of religous nonsense (as opposed to the more moderate nonsense).

  42. clamboy says

    Okay, was *noone* else ooged out by that “sweet fellowship” in the middle of the night stuff?

  43. says

    Clamboy, would you expect anything more from a deity so obsessed with human sexuality?

    That Jehovah guy’s a perv.

  44. Mel says

    “GOD: You have asked me to use you 173,216 times in the past thirty-eight years”

    If his God is counting, I wish he’d get him to dictate a spreadsheet showing a breakdown of all the prayers ever prayed. That might be interesting.

    Please don’t let her be pregnant, .8%
    Please let me finally be pregnant, .6%
    For a pony, 1.6%
    Proposed bargains (if I get away with it this time, I’ll never do it again, plus I promise I’ll do x), 8%
    Not to die/suffer/be tortured/be maimed/etc., 82%

    Something like that.

  45. says

    I love this bit:

    There are several web sites and petitions that have been formed in an attempt to help Dr. and Mrs. Hovind. The most popular site is http://www.FreeHovind.com, although there are several others. Should God choose to use one or more of these petitions in expediting the release of Dr. Hovind and the end of this case, we would be very grateful

    I just picture god storming into court shouting “I’ve got signatures!” and waving this collection beneath the judge’s nose.

    Damn! These people are wonky.

  46. tony says

    Re: 57

    GOD: You have asked me to use you 173,216 times in the past thirty-eight years

    Would that be use in the biblical sense?

    Then I can only feel pity for Hovind. Imagine getting in in the ass so many times, and him a married preacher, no less!

    ;-)

  47. Vitis says

    “GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn’t we? Thank you for loving me and talking with me.”

    Ya, that’s just so dirty.

    I was cracking myself up by reading GOD’s part using the voice of BOSS HOGG from Dukes of Hazard. All the “son”s made me think of it.

  48. tony says

    Oops – re 57, 60:

    I just realized- Hovind ASKED to be used!

    So what is “consensual sex with a god up the ass” called? It can’t be homosexual (unless Hovind were a god, too)

    I can’t find the word on google….

    ;~/

    I’m perplexed! Help!

  49. says

    So what is “consensual sex with a god up the ass” called? It can’t be homosexual (unless Hovind were a god, too)

    In Hovind’s case, apparently it’s called a tax write-off.

  50. Kevin says

    GOD: Did you know his mother was a prostitute and that he has no idea who his father is? Did you know no one had ever prayed for him or witnessed to him in his entire life (Psalms 142:4)?

    Man I’ve got to read the bible again. It seems that God was really specific about some prisoner’s personal life in the year 2007 in Psalms 142:4.

  51. says

    Does anyone else think it’s odd that god needs to keep reassuring him that he’s there with him all the time? I mean, if he were there, wouldn’t Kent know it? And if he is there with Kent, and Kent can’t feel his presence, then so fucking what? Thanks for the invisible, untouchable, undetectable support assface. It’s really reassuring to know that during my darkest hour, you’ll be right there next to me, not doing a fucking thing.

    Also, god’s reassurances of ‘I know, I know’ after everthing Kent says sounds a little like a charlatan mind-reader bombing the act.

    Apparently, I’m as powerful as god. I can predict the past with 100% accuracy (provided someone tells me about it) too.

    Anybody else have the overwhelming urge to punch this lying fraud in the mouth?

    Man, I need to take my blood pressure pills.

  52. tony says

    I have the distinct feeling that ‘Dr’ Hovind will be getting more than a punch in the mouth…. especially if he continues to proselytize at every opportunity.

    I had to laugh at his comment regarding riding the bus …as the monitor he got out of wearing shackles…

    so… you rode a bus for two hours…. and you didn’t wear shackles? Oh my heart bleeds!

  53. Buffybot says

    Yeah, “sweet fellowship” sounds dirty.

    But – God took time out from his busy schedule to make sure this jackass got to hand out lunches on the bus? The narcissism is jaw-dropping.

  54. Chinchillazilla says

    #18:

    What the Hell! God is Napoleon Dynamite.

    Kent, you fat lard, eat the ham!

  55. says

    It would seen that God is a Skinnerian, giving Hovind positive reenforcement with every statement.

    That’s because Hovind is as dumb as a pigeon.

  56. says

    god must have been the one to arrange his shackle-free bus ride, since he’s been previously charged with assault and is serving time for fraud.

    I wonder how many of his ‘brethren’ on the bus found they were short of food and water after Klepto Kent did his rounds.

  57. Pablo says

    ChiliPepper wrote:

    “It appears that Hovind wasn’t talking to God, but ELIZA”

    Best comment so far, and I felt it needed repeating.

  58. RamblinDude says

    Man, are you guys are naive. You sound like this is the first time you’ve ever witnessed the schizophrenic mindset that is not only normal, but cultivated and cherished among true believers. Why do you think it is so hard getting through to them? Among Christians cultists this is typical behavior. I wish I was exaggerating.

    And if you read the comments posted below it, you can see just how effective this martyrdom ploy is.

  59. woozy says

    Wow, God sounds like Homer Simpson’s conversations with his brain.

    Homer: Well, at least I liked it. Didn’t I?
    Brain: Oh, you don’t want to know what I really think.
    Homer:…
    Brain: Now look sad and say “D’oh”.
    Homer (looking sad): D’oh…

  60. says

    KH: I’m sorry, Lord. You are right.
    GOD: I am always right. Go ahead with your questions.

    What a prick indeed.

    I have a question, though. If locking Hovind in prison was all part of God’s plan, why are Hovind’s people lambasting the judge and appealing the verdict? They should praise the judge as an instrument of God’s will.

  61. says

    So much of “God” essentially saying ‘duh, I was there!” reminds me of the scene in Disney’s “Hercules,” with Hades and the Fates– “I know! That you know! I get it!”

  62. tacitus says

    You know, I’ll give Hovind’s followers one small piece of credit. Unlike another well-known creationist website (cou-Dembski-gh), they don’t delete all of the negative comments.

  63. stogoe says

    Is anyone else reminded of the Guatemalan Insanity Peppers?

    “I’m only a memory. I can’t give you any new information.”

  64. EnoNomi says

    I put you in with Muslims, Catholics, Jehovah’s Witnesses, Jews, Baptists, Buddhists, Nazis, communists, pagans, Wiccans, Methodists, Mormons, and Lutherans.

    Can I just point out that according to god there are no Atheists in prison? Woo Hoo! Take that Moral Majority!

  65. says

    The whole thing is even funnier if you imagine Terry Jones as God and a hapless Michael Palin as Kent. Read it again, and this time do the voices!

    I like it! But I think John Cleese would make a better god. He could start calmly, then proceed via extreme sarcasm to an insane rant, a la Basil Fawlty when dealing with a stupid hotel guest.

  66. Richard Clayton says

    Funny how when people claim to receive messages from God he always tells them to do EXACTLY WHAT THEY WANTED HEAR. So God’s telling Kent that he’s persecuted, that God’s been arranging miracles specifically for Kent’s benefit, that Kent is God’s special servant, and that God will spring Hovind from prison (eventually).

    I do notice that unlike most “spirit guides,” Hovind’s email from God includes specific, testable predictions. I wonder what Hovind’s, uh, I mean GOD’S, score on those will be?

  67. comfortably numb says

    God’s weight loss plan for Ken

    KH: It was terrible, Lord! Worse than the suicide-watch cell in many ways. The food was bad and never enough. I lost five pounds in eight days. They have three men in a 7′ X 14′ room for twenty-three hours a day. The rooms are designed for two, but I wouldn’t keep a dog in one overnight. I never saw the sun for eight days.

    GOD: You needed to lose a few pounds, son. How do you feel?

  68. says

    Here’s the post I made on the CSE website. What are the odds that it will show up?
    ————————–
    Great post, Dr. Hovind. Sounds like you have a really good relationship/communication with God. Could you ask God why He doesn’t talk to Christian evolutionists (like Ken Miller) and straighten those guys out? Their evolutionist claims are leading millions to hell. God should tell them how wrong they are – afterall, millions of souls are on the line. They are already Christians, so I’m sure they’ll listen. Also, I had a strong Christian friend who died from pancreatic cancer when he was in his mid-twenties. Could you ask God to give us the cure for cancer? I mean, I know it’s important to hear that Philip is cheering for you and everything, but maybe a short request for a cure for cancer could be squeezed in somewhere. It would sure help things out a bunch. And please ask God to reveal Himself to the Middle East ASAP – those guys are killing each other because they actually believe they are acting in God’s name. They aren’t acting in God’s name though, and no one can convince them otherwise, except, perhaps, God Himself. Maybe God could come down as a pillar of fire – like He did when He was leading the Jews out of Egypt. That would sure help out a bunch! Thanks!

  69. Kseniya says

    RamblingDude: And if you read the comments posted below it, you can see just how effective this martyrdom ploy is.

    Yeah, no kidding. Did you read the comments section of Hovind’s “I am a dull axe” entry a couple of weeks back? There was much wailing and rending of garments.

  70. says

    I couldn’t get past the first question without chuckling or the fourth question without bursting out loud but I have to ask…why didn’t god just answer the questions without having to be asked? I mean, he knew what they were already, right?

  71. Ric says

    Does god really cite what he says with parenthetical references to the Bible, because if he does it must be pretty awkward to talk to him. Does he actually say “parenthesis” when he talks, as in blahblah “parenthesis” John 12 “colon” 12 “close parenthesis”?

    This was my favorite part: “Do you see why my perfect law (Psalms 19:7) allowed for beatings (Deuteronomy 25), fines (Exodus 22), and death (Exodus 21:12), but never prison?”

    Yeah, god is so merciful by calling for stonings and beatings but no prison. Give me a frickin’ break.

  72. frau im mond says

    From History of the World Part I

    God: Moses, this is the Lord, thy God, commanding you to obey my law. Do you hear me?
    Moses: Yes! I hear you, I hear you. A deaf man could hear you!
    God: What?
    Moses: Nothing. Forget it.

  73. mojojojo says

    why didn’t god just answer the questions without having to be asked? I mean, he knew what they were already, right?

    Just like how god asked adam “where are you?”(Genesis 3:9); didn’t he know?

  74. Silmarillion says

    It appears that Hovind wasn’t talking to God, but ELIZA
    -Chili Pepper

    I LOLed. :D

  75. Bill says

    #48

    Damn I knew someone was going to beat me to the lowbrow sex joke! Mine would have gone something like “I always knew that kent was a nice guy, staying up late to talk and cuddle after a night of sweet fellowship with god.”

  76. E-lad says

    Kent Hovind. The name alone inspires an image….
    Anyway, he fancies himself a martyr. He’s in prison for the same reason as Al Capone was, felony tax evasion.

  77. E-lad says

    It is obvious that god has anulled all of the laws of nature and physics to insure that Hovind could hand out ham sammieches.
    God in his ultimate wisdom interceding for the salvation of humankind. ***tearing up***

  78. ken says

    Interesting how Hovind and God have similar sentence structure, length, and vocabulary.

    Can’t God cite any sources other than the Bible?

  79. Bunjo says

    God: Don’t worry. I’ll look after your family. A nasty disease and a road traffic accident, plus a tornado causing massive property destruction should give plenty of learning opportunities. But don’t worry – I’ll be there…

  80. SmellyTerror says

    Oh man, when god reads the tripe that Kent wrote he is going to be SO pissed.

    Isn’t putting (lame) words into god’s mouth blashpemy? Shouldn’t the Christians be, like, stoning him to death or something? Standards have really slipped.

  81. says

    You know, I think I’ve figured out why we haven’t seen the hand of god saving sick people, preventing disasters, smiting nonbelievers, stopping genocide, and suchlike. He’s just spending waaaaay too much time talking to Kent, and by the time he notices something’s wrong, it’s over. Plus, he’s too tired out from talking stupid to do anything afterward, anyway. (Or he’s worn out from their “sweet fellowship”.) If Hovind didn’t take up so much of god’s time, the world would be a much better place.

  82. cureholder says

    >>>GOD: You have asked me to use you 173,216 times in the past thirty-eight years>>>

    That about once every half hour . . . approximately the same rate at which Hovind used his victims.

    When Hovind invents a script in which god calls Hovind “son” every third word, is it too much of a stretch to say that Hovind is trying to tell us he thinks he’s the son of god? After all, god himself was clear to label jesus “his only begotten son.” (John 3:16) Hovind’s ego apparently outweighs god’s.

  83. qedpro says

    I hope that this does get shown to the parole board. It shows a complete lack of remorse for being a criminal. The idiot thinks he’s a martyr.

  84. says

    Why is it god always claims the credit for the good stuff that happens and then when the bad stuff comes along that’s all our fault? I’d like to say, as an atheist, that I often do good things for or to others for reasons that are totally unrelated to God. Don’t let him take all the credit, some of that good stuff was me!

  85. SEF says

    Given the fact that “god” calls Kent “son” in every sentence, I’m getting the distinct impression of a man who is trying to fill the gap left by an uncaring, emotionally-distant father with his imaginary friend “god”.

    this research linking the behaviour with a failed mother relationship.

  86. Anzat says

    According to God, this whole conversation was a fabrication. Kent is not God’s son, and God was not chatting him up in prison. In fact, God was not incarcerated at all.

  87. says

    GOD: I know, son. I was right there with you. I heard your prayers throughout that long night. We had sweet fellowship, didn’t we? Thank you for loving me and talking with me.

    I bet you they make sweet sweet fellowship together all the time in prison. Apparently, conversations with God act as a release for homosexual tendencies.

  88. Tuomo Hämäläinen says

    “173,216 times in the past thirty-eight years”

    My headcounting says ~ 16 times per day..

  89. Tuomo Hämäläinen says

    “173,216 times in the past thirty-eight years”

    My headcounting says ~ 16 times per day..

  90. says

    Wow, there ARE bigger narcisscists than Paris Hilton! she may think she’s above the law and above everyone else, too, but I don’t think she literally thinks that she can talk to God!

  91. says

    Eeeah! Whose initials are those? They look like mine! Gaaa…

    KH: Lord, I asked you to let me sleep, because I knew the next day would be hard and I would need my strength. Why didn’t you let me sleep, Lord?

    GOD: I did, son. You slept great from 3:00 – 4:45 a.m. Who do you think it was that made the guard forget to call you at 3:30? And blah, blah, blah…

    GOD: My dear child. That one set of footprints that you see in the sand was when you were sleepwalking and I told everyone, “Psst! Herald of angels! Now let’s put his hands in some warm water and see what happens!”

    Guard (laughing): Hey, I just do what I’m told, man.

  92. says

    You do have plenty of sin–though that’s not why you are there.

    No, Hovind, you are in jail because you did something very bad. Malicious and evil. You would call such things “sin.”

    I’m sorry, but you can’t make up an AOL IM with god to try to tell people that you’re in jail, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You and Paris Hilton don’t get it.

  93. ice weasel says

    I think it was Heinlein who once wrote that “man seldom thinks up a deity better or brighter than himself…” Hovind seems determined to prove this is true.

  94. Steve_C says

    He’s only going to get nuttier while he’s locked up. He may truly believe all that crap.
    That’s a special kind of delusion.

  95. Ichthyic says

    yeah, church-lady kinda special…

    “Well, isn’t that special!”

    I bet he’s got little Kenny out of his pulpit when he writes those emails, too.

  96. marcus says

    So did anyone make it through all that in one reading without stopping? Seriously, anyone?

    It looks like God has taught Kent a few lessons from all of this, though. So good for Kent. What I really can’t wait to hear about is God telling him is appeal has been denied and he is spending the next 10 years of his life behind bars. Maybe that will hammer home the one lesson he needs to learn from this ordeal. Pay your taxes and don’t steal from the rest of us.

  97. says

    Oh, for the love of… I couldn’t make up anything this funny if I tried. God talks just like the Buddy Jesus in “Dogma.” And I love how he bounces back and forth between being unctuous and pissy.

    But you know, as crazy as this stuff reads… it’s really not that much crazier than the basic tenets of the faith. It just reads crazier when it’s spelled out like that. It actually does a better job of making the fundie belief system look like a contradictory, psychotic mess than Dawkins and Harris and Dennett combined.

    “For me, the ultimate in hubris is saying you know what God’s will is… I would think if they were so devout, they’d be a little more humble.

    Damn straight, Son Of Slam. I’ve often thought that myself. How arrogant is it to be completely positive that, of all the people in the world who disagree vehemently about who God is and what he wants, you and the people who agree with you alone have it right? How much pride does it take to be absolutely convinced that you’re going to heaven?

    And how much pride does it take to convince yourself that God personally arranges who you sit next to on the bus?

  98. Linguist says

    So with 173,216 requests to be ‘used’ in 38 years (=13879.5 days), Kent was asking 12.5 times a day?

    Doesn’t that sound a little desperate (Psalm 79:8)?

  99. Donalbain says

    Why did Kent email God with an account of the conversation? Wouldnt God remember it?

  100. Mister Scoville says

    It’s just dawned on me. The babble is the revealed word of god, right? Well now we have actual evidence of the actual words coming from his godly mouth from the good ‘Dr’s’ testimony. This knocks the old and new testaments out of the water. What is the pope, his representative on earth, going to make of this. Is wholesale revision of the whole faith in order? I picture a New Revised Babble with all of god’s words printed in red, just so we know for sure who’s speaking.

  101. Justin Moretti says

    I have to give it to George Burns’ portrayal of God – I would love to have a God like that. Even if it does mean subscribing to some sort of Intelligent Design…

    “Take a look at the Flamingo. Beautiful bird… and I put the kneecaps on backwards.”

    Satan: “How did you do it?” (After being bluffed in a game of cards for the hero’s soul).
    God: “I put the fear of Me in you.”

    Self-deprecating humour for the win. Gotta be better than “You doubted me, and now demons will sodomize your soul for all eternity.”

    Let Kent Hovind get more and more weird in prison; eventually most of the reasonable people will drift away from his insanity leaving only “the unsalvageables”, the ultimately gullible ones, who would still believe their favourite preacher’s basic goodness (whether Hovind or someone else) even if he shot a three-hour porn film in the middle of Central Park with the entire NYPD lurking nearby with camcorders.

  102. Mister Scoville says

    …unless, of course, he made the whole thing up…

    I need to go off and think about this a bit. It has some implications for my thoughs on other organised religions.

  103. antaresrichard says

    Oh man this God character of Kent’s!

    I don’t which is more pathetic: Hovind’s ego, or the subservient, almighty deity he creates to stroke it! And to read the man go on and on about everything under the sun but his own responsibility and culpability, sheesh!

    Instead Kent’s God, by implication, winds up coming across like some overly indulgent pet owner whose little monster… er …angel has just been sent to the pound. Caring not that the cur was off its lead, nor for vicious wounds inflicted upon others, the owner coddles the snarling beast: “There, there, poochie woochie. Did da mean ol’ world scare you? The nerve of them confining you and serving-werving all that bad food!”

    All of this is laughable and eye-rolling of course, but my, the hubris to posit a God conveniently oblivious to ones crimes! (Who, just to prove he’s “Da Man”, also isn’t above turning Spock: “That’s ‘one hundred seventy three thousand, two hundred sixteen times in the past thirty eight’ point zero years, Captain. To be precise.”)

    Yet Kent’s egomania, not content to shape God in Hovind’s own image and leave it at that, has to conjure up a pampering sky pixie who’s only too happy to make chumps of us all just to accommodate Kent’s self-importance! Jurisprudence? “Pffffft!” Government? Trail by jury? Taxation? The rule and due process of law? Florida? “Nah, Kenny boy! That was my ruse to bring you to these inmates!”

    Clever huh? We and our institutions are only grist for Kent’s mill and God’s glorious but demented plans for him! God continues: “-Snicker- Oh man Kent, to think the system thinks its in place simply to mete out justice!* What a howler! What a knee-slapper! But hey, didn’t I create the whole universe just for you?”

    What megalomania!

    Well if I may be permitted: Oh for a God that would come to Hovind’s cell guised as a no-nonsense, whoop-stompin’, badass mutha! Yeah, I can picture him now, rolling up his sleeves after receiving yet another Email, ripping the cell door right off its hinges or track, and slamming the wayward bastard down on his cot! Then hissing straight in the wuss’ face: “Listen sucka, I ain’t here for no whine, an’ we ain’t leavin’ this effin’ cell till y’ fess up to what it was that landed your sorry lil’ ass here in th’ first place!”

    Now wouldn’t that be nice?

    Better yet, why not dispense with the formalities of repentance altogether and just have God hurl a handy lightning bolt. BZZZAT!! As he looks down on the smoldering ashes that once was Dinosaur Adventure Land’s proprietor, and ponders all the other egotists left to dispatch, he sighs: “I should have done that ages ago.”

    Talking out my atheistic hat,
    antaresrichard

    *I speak idealistically of course.

  104. Sargeist says

    I apologise if this makes me seem really dim (mostly apologising to myself in advance), but is that site a piss-take? It surely must be satire. Surely?

    The trouble with irony these days is that it is too ironic. Help! Can’t… tell.. difference… between.. fake stupid… and.. real stupid….

  105. Science Goddess says

    It could be worse! Just imagine if you were cell-mate to one of these Xtians who had to keep “witnessing” at you day and night and day and night and day and night….

    SG

  106. Paynen Diaz says

    So what is “consensual sex with a god up the ass” called? It can’t be homosexual (unless Hovind were a god, too)

    deusexual

  107. James A. Brown says

    [QUOTE]GOD: Yes, I was there with you. Don is twenty-seven years old. His life will do a complete 1800 turn during the next twenty months in prison.[/QUOTE]

    Will someone with a better grasp of Euclidian geometry explain what this means, please? They must draw circles bigger in Heaven than down here.

  108. Sargeist says

    [QUOTE]GOD: Yes, I was there with you. Don is twenty-seven years old. His life will do a complete 1800 turn during the next twenty months in prison.[/QUOTE]

    Will someone with a better grasp of Euclidian geometry explain what this means, please? They must draw circles bigger in Heaven than down here.

    I think it means that he starts up his own freephone porn line.

  109. Lateralus says

    Ok I don’t know much of the US prison system. But is it customary to move an inmate 5 times, put him in solitary confinement, or even suicide watch, if he hasn’t done anything special? Surely he must have done something. Also why didn’t I read a single word of repentance in this entire email?

  110. Arakasi says

    I can’t believe no one has quoted Real Genius yet:

    Mitch as God: Kent, from now on, stop playing with yourself

    Kent: It is God…

  111. RavenT says

    ||GOD: Yes, I was there with you. Don is twenty-seven years old. His life will do a complete 1800 turn during the next twenty months in prison.

    I think it means that he starts up his own freephone porn line.

    Doesn’t sound like much of a business model from the profit perspective–perhaps he makes it up in volume.

  112. anon says

    Ok I don’t know much of the US prison system. But is it customary to move an inmate 5 times, put him in solitary confinement, or even suicide watch, if he hasn’t done anything special?

    Yes, it’s pretty much customary. It’s done to break the will of new prisoners, essentially for sadistic reasons.

  113. says

    “[QUOTE]GOD: Yes, I was there with you. Don is twenty-seven years old. His life will do a complete 1800 turn during the next twenty months in prison.[/QUOTE]
    Will someone with a better grasp of Euclidian geometry explain what this means, please? They must draw circles bigger in Heaven than down here.”

    I think it just means that Don is destined to turn around five times and end up facing the way he started.

    Not quite sure why that’s a good thing. But, you know, mysterious ways and all.