Some ditzy entrepreneur in California has a new twist on bottled water:
As the body thirsts, so does the soul. So why drink regular drinking water when you can partake in a more blessed beverage? Bottled Holy drinking water is bottled in Stockton, California and blessed by priests from southern California.
Funny…the advertising doesn’t mention anything about vampires even once, although it does have a warning sticker:
Warning to sinners: If you are a sinner or evil in nature, this product may cause burning, intense heat, sweating, skin irritations, rashes, itchiness, vomiting, bloodshot and watery eyes, pale skin color, and oral irritations.
What about the skeletonization and the poofing into dust?
By the way, if you want the job of blessing the holy water, they are taking applications. They don’t seem to be very picky about who they’ll hire, so if you happen to be a godless atheist, that may not be a problem.
Most of the claims made for bottled water differ little from magic, so I guess this was inevitable.
The job sounds tempting, but lacking as it is in real skills or meritocratic standards, I doubt that it pays very well. Maybe if you were a TV preacher, or could convince them that you are Elvis….
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/35s39o
Uh oh… Peter Popov beware! Someone is working his turf!
http://www.answers.com/topic/peter-popoff
Seriously, shouldn’t we stock up on this stuff? Does it have an expiration date? The rapture is due any day and there won’t be any priests around to bless water after they ascend. I wouldn’t want to be both damned and caught short handed on bottled holy water!
OEJ
My browser times out on those links,PZ. But if there are actually Catholic Priests doing this, they are in big trouble when Big daddy Benedict finds out. And the blessing under the circumstance of marketing is more a curse. So vampires will be OK. OH, just so you know, the rapture is a Jerry Falwellish new age Christian Idea, as I call them. No rapture, sorry Jerry you are going to be tribulated just like the rest of us.
I guess they better purposefully add acid or something to the water, because isn’t EVERYONE supposed to be a sinner?
It’s blasphorific!
And stuperb.
Their disclaimer that sinners may suffer from all those possible side-effects seems like a perfect lawsuit-winning ploy to me. They can put just about anything they want in those bottles of water, and if you suffer from any of those terrible side effects, and you sue, they will claim that you must be a sinner, and that they warned you! What a genius move! Their bottling plants don’t need to be clean, they don’t have to worry about contaminants–if anyone gets sick, they have the perfect defense!
Other companies should learn a lesson from this. If GM doesn’t want to do an expensive recall due to a faulty part, they could just have a disclaimer: “Warning! If you are a sinner, and you drive this car, you may be involved in a deadly accident.” Or Dell could have said: “Warning! If you’re a sinner, our laptop batteries may cause a fire!”
I tried some of that once. Took forever for the burns to heal.
(Yes, I’m posting this on the wireless laptop inside my coffin.)
I thought only an ordained priest could bless water? Or is that primarily Catholic?
Or is that primarily Catholic?
I can’t speak for other dominations, but in the RCC only a priest or Bishop can Bless the water for it to be a valid blessing. Believe me when I say, if there is a single RCC Priest doing this, they won’t be doing it long, they’ll be in Cameroon soon.
Oral irritations! Damn! All this time I’ve been administering it to the wrong place!
“blessed by priests from southern California.”
You know, tanned, blonde, handsome, laid-back sort of priests. Not like those greasy, geeky priests from DotComLand. Hang loose, my son!
blessed by priests from southern California.
*sigh* why doesn’t it surprise me that the priests came from so cal who participated in this scam.
I’m going to go out on a limb (not much of a risk in this case) and even say they are from Orange County.
much more of a reach, but I wonder if somebody associated with Ahmanson has a hand in this.
I want to know more about the blessing process. How much water can a priest bless in a given time? Are they working on increasing their output, like any other manufacturer? Have they looked into automation? Are they ISO9001 certified?
When someone markets a product that will cause California to fall into the ocean, I’ll buy it.
I went to college at the University of the Pacific in Stockton. My only thoughts are:
1) If the water is bottled from the taps from the campus, it may burn you regardless of your sinfulness quotient. We had what the students regularly referred to as “brown water days.” Yes, brown water days are exactly what they sound like.
2) Given the region, it’s possible that these “priests” are actually meth cooks. Untouchable mystery liquid may not be such a surprise in this case.
Note: Aside from the water and high probability of having your car stolen at least once before getting your degree, Pacific is a fine school. Go Tigers.
I think it needs another warning label:
Warning to witches: if you are a witch or other owner of flying monkeys, this product may cause melting
I don’t know who they are planning to sell this to, since Christian dogma says that every person is a sinner.
“Holy Water … IT BURNS! IT BURNS!”
Hey, they’ve flagged all the Exorcist film clips on YouTube as being inappropriate for some users. What’s up with that?
Both the warning label and the product are a big joke, right? Right? Please?
Geeze, they really are casting a wide net.
They have lots of little outs with who is actually “blessing” the water, with “vicar” being my favorite:
But then again, who the hell cares. This is the stoopid. I mean, wouldn’t your own chosen lama, holy man or whatever bless your normal everyday water for free? If not, wouldn’t you at least save the shipping charges?
Hey, is blessed water taxable?
Love the Buffy Reference!
I don’t know who they are planning to sell this to, since Christian dogma says that every person is a sinner.
yes, but if you’re a xian, it only burns Jesus when you drink it.
You think I’d get better mileage if I use it in my radiator ?
Close. Christian dogma says everyone else is a sinner. Except for when someone is getting in their faces, then they give flagrant shows of mock piety for a little while, but go right back to pointing their little holy fingers at everyone else once the mean old atheists have gone back to the duties required by their gainful employment.
That’s why I have an office and the loonies have a bullhorn.
Holy Drinking Water, Batman!
Sorry. This comment was entirely inevitable.
If I drink that water, will I have a sudden urge to molest little boys?
/snark
‘The rapture is due any day and there won’t be any priests around to bless water after they ascend’
Dont know where youre from, but Im from the Boston area. We will still have plenty of priests. At least Catholic ones. I dont know if Id drink anything theyve blessed though…
Sounds like Ethan Raynewater to me.
What’s a sky pilot??
Thank whatever that the “ditzy entrepreneurs” are none of my relatives. The Ditz ancestral homeland is Stockton (1851).
In other news, what will the gullible purchase next?
From the article-
Divine drink? California Company Markets ‘Holy Drinking Water’
http://www.firstcoastnews.com/news/news-article.aspx?storyid=77318
You are a true believer. Blessings
of the state. Blessings of the
masses. Thou art a subject of the
divine. Created in the image of
man, by man, for man. Let us be
thankful we have commerce. Buy
more. Buy more now. Buy more and
be happy.
I know people who would buy it just for the amusement value…
Something is fishy here. I know, I know, the whole thing is fishy to the max, but I mean something much more mundane. Stockton is definitely in Northern California, hundreds of miles from Southern California. These people in Stockton are getting priests to come up from Southern Cal to bless their water? That seems quite unlikely, as if priests have the time and inclination to wander that far from their home base. It’s a weird little detail that they claim their blessings are imported from Southern Cal. I doubt the priests in question exist.
I sometimes drive through Stockton when traveling down the central valley. Perhaps next time I’ll cross myself a couple of times, just in case!
Did anyone else catch the abnormal grammar in this news article? I wont go into my thoughts on the article itself (no need to, you all have it well covered..!) but the literary articulation was a bit off to me at points. Madde it hard to read. Maybe it was sinner proof…but then you all read it….hmm….
Darn! wish I’d have thought of it first! Even at 99 cents a bottle think of the MONEY that guy is making!
Ah, I remember when I was an Orthodox Christian and was having car troubles. I have to confess I poured a good quart of holy water into the radiator. I can see where a LOT of people would buy this stuff.
Hee. I grew up in Stockton and there ain’t nothin’ holy about any water coming out of there.
*thinking that this sounds like exactly the kind of thing my high school boyfriend might’ve ended up getting involved with*
Those priests better not look like Nathan Fillion.
Faith? You’re the other one, aren’t you. You’re Cain to her Abel.
Good point. I have here a stack of “Wash Away Your Sins” brand moistened towelettes my mom gave me for Christmas…
Screw being moral and ethical and working for making the world a better place.
I think I want the South Florida Distribution Franchise rights.
Now if I can only convince people that if they are truly holy enough it will also turn into a nice Cabernet.
Hmmm that might not even be that difficult.
Swimming pools, lots a swimming pools,
Ah, boss you know that project you wanted me to finish over the weekend? Well something’s come up and I’m afraid you’ll have to get some other help on that, I’m outta here!
OT
Does anyone remember what I am supposed to do If I experience an erection that lasts more than 4 hours?
Call your friends?
On a side note, that has to be one of the UGLIEST web sites I have ever visited! Looks like it was put together by a homeschooled 6-year-old with Web Design for Dummies, 1996 edition.
I don’t think the blessing by priests in socal would be a problem if they ship the bottled water down to them in cases. I wonder what the maximum theoretical “blessing distance” is? I’m sure a nonexistent god wouldn’t care whether you waved your hand over one bottle at a time or a 1000.
I live in Stockton, I think I’ll stick with the many fine wines produced just a few miles north in Lodi. I really enjoy one named ‘Seven Deadly Zinns’.
I’m pretty high level, do I get a saving throw?
This is why this product will sell – for a bit.
Anyone remember Outhouse Springs Water? The billboards advertised it as “recycled drinking water”, “it’s not #1, it’s #2”, and “Originally in cans, now in bottles”.
Outhouse Springs was a gag … but the demand for the water was so high that it (briefly) became a real product.
Oh, and it’s easy to get bottled water with any label you want on it. Our school sells school-branded water in our vending machines now.
As an ex-Catholic who endured 6 yrs of Opus Dei Catholic school, I distinctly remember that holy water (the stuff to be put in the fonts of churches, anyway) MUST have some salt in it before it can be blessed. Tap water just won’t do. I wonder if this stuff also has salt in it? Then again, it sounds like they aren’t limiting the “blessing” job to just Roman Catholic priests.
Adriienne
I have never heard of them putting salt in holy water, however I would not disagree that they may, I know our holy water has never froze, when others did in the bottles of the storm shelter here in Texas. That would make sense, I’ll look into it.
Shelley at Retrospectacle has a post about Holy Bottled Water from Canada. They didn’t bother blessing it and claim no special powers, just really good water. Just good old secular Canadian marketing knowhow. I guess they figure anyone gullible enough to believe that some celibate dude in a robe can give water magical properties are too dumb to read the fine print.
http://scienceblogs.com/retrospectacle/2007/03/bottled_holy_watermay_burn_sin.php
Picture a naked Andy Rooney giving you a lap dance.
These people in Stockton are getting priests to come up from Southern Cal to bless their water?
they do it over the phone.
Loud’n’proud Catholic Physicist said:
I have never heard of them putting salt in holy water…
What? Oh, must be a convert. Anybody’d grown up Catholic would certainly have tasted the stuff: you dip your fingers going in and out of church then wave them in front of your face, some’s going to get in your mouth, right?
Or have you just been assuming all along the funny taste was the Holiness in it?
Oh, the bread’s pretty bland, but that Sweet Sacramental Wine ain’t bad before your taste matures.
Were you wishing to have a battle of witts? For I can provide if you wish.
Loud’n’proud Catholic Physicist said: – John Scanlon
Naaaah you ain’t worth the bullet anyhow, and I am tired.
Just as an aside, john, try closing your mouth before doing the sign of the cross and bow your head as the priest sprinkles you. I have never felt an obligation to taste the holy water, but that is just me.
I still cherish those special moments when I’d be in the pews with my family members and the priest would stroll down the aisle shaking his aspergillum (the holy water sprinkling thing — why, what were you thinking?), scattering drops in all directions. Once, after the priest passed, I asked my young nephew, “Did he get you?” The boy grinned and said, “No! I ducked!” And I remember the severe expression of disapproval on my sister’s face, as she deeply regretted having made me the boy’s godfather.
I’m going to go into the business of conducting atheist funerals. Then I can sprinkle the remains of the deceased with heavy water which, unlike holy water, has measurable differences from ordinary water.
Well, maybe not. I’ve been in some churches where the water was so hard that the calcuim deposits on the vat they keep the stuff in were practically stalactites. Maybe there is something special about holy water after all.
Ah, now we see the violence inherent in the system. I can see why you opted against trying to provide witts, much less wits, with a comeback like that.
Little kids have a tendency to put a lot of things in their mouths, so it doesn’t sound too unlikely to me that they might well end up tasting the water, obligation or not. Of course, that doesn’t mean John’s suggestion is necessarily right, as there’s a lot of individual variation. I don’t know or particularly care how long you’ve been Catholic, but I wonder why you seem to find the suggestion that you’re a convert offensive.
Yep, I know i have sucked on my mommas tit too, but am incapable of remembering it. It just never crossed my mind to test the composition of holy water, but bigots have no ethic.
Matter of my fact, if you guys are all this damn dumb, I don’t really care what you think.
In my capacity as as once-a-week outside escort at the local Planned Parenthood clinic, I have the pleasure of watching a couple of protesters each week sprinkle “holy water” around the perimeter of the clinic (and one once tried to throw a about half a cup of it into the back of the van that picks up our medical waste). I always follow them and comment, usually something along the lines “The pavement isn’t sizzling! Your holy water must have lost its power. Maybe you better take it back to your priest and get it juiced up a again.” I’m only trying to be nice, but they never appreciate my suggestions. I wonder why.
In a similar vein at one of their monthly visits when 80 or so Catholics show up with one or more priests, one priest had a cross which he took from protester to protester, blessing each and allowing each to kiss the cross (imagine the traveling circus of bacteria!). After he was finished he approached me and asked if I’d like a blessing too. I declined but countered by asking what was the significance of his cross. He proceeded to show it to me. It was made of wood and featured six chambers that passed through the entire cross. Each was sealed in glass at both ends and contained some relic. I asked what were the contents. He proceeded to tell me, quite seriously, that the relics were remnants of Christ’s cross (a minute splinter of wood), a piece of his death shroud (a very fine piece of lint), and four other minute items whose identities escape me now (I tried to find the country of origin label, which I suspected was China, but he wouldn’t let me examine the entire object). It blows my mind what the priests promote and their followers just accept.
Hey, I’m not dumb. I’m the one who thought of giving last rites to atheists by slightly increasing the chances that their corpse will detect a passing neutrino.
Let’s see holy water do that.
That is what you wanted in the first place. Now you have it.
In my capacity as as once-a-week outside escort at the local Planned Parenthood clinic, I have the pleasure of watching a couple of protesters each week sprinkle “holy water” around the perimeter of the clinic (and one once tried to throw a about half a cup of it into the back of the van that picks up our medical waste). I always follow them and comment, usually something along the lines “The pavement isn’t sizzling! Your holy water must have lost its power. Maybe you better take it back to your priest and get it juiced up a again.” I’m only trying to be nice, but they never appreciate my suggestions. I wonder why.
I have never doubted your faith.
Keanus, you might be interested to know that, here in Colorado, road signs have gone up across the state which say:
So, I’ll see your dubious religious relic, and raise you the kind of evangelical hubris that lets them speak for God.
Your faith is in death, mine is in life “You may call me a dreamer, but I am not the only one.” maybe someday you will join us? I dunno?
Dude, I have no idea who you’re talking to or what you’re talking about.
Dude, I have no idea who you’re talking to or what you’re talking about.
Dude I haven’t done the same doobie as you, so don’t worry about it.
Peace man
Folks apparently the Physicist starts drinking around this time every night. He behaved in the same bizarre manner last night.
Matter of fact I did have a glass of wine damn me.
Matter of my fact, if you guys are all this damn dumb, I don’t really care what you think.
liar.
I would rather listen to a drunk doctor than one who didn’t know shit. But I do thank you for your concern.
liar
Once someone here dares speak truth. Otherwise I lie. hehehehe. one mans lie is another’s truth, don’t ya know?
you’re not gettin it.
if you didn’t care what we think, you simply wouldn’t go on and on about what we think.
yes, you ARE a liar.
deal with it.
… this HAS to be fake. You can’t be serious. Even the website looks fake. Oh, oh, the cerebral overload! I can’t take it! GAH! *gurgle*
you’re not gettin it.
if you didn’t care what we think, you simply wouldn’t go on and on about what we think.
yes, you ARE a liar.
deal with it.
This is rich, I am a liar, accused as being a drunk before all those who want to legalize drugs? Hrmmm? Me thinks introspection is not a strong suit here? But I could be wrong.
Dufusses, you are as easy as playing a fiddle, though I don’t play one, but then again why would a man of my talent and aptitude want to do so? Instead I play the Guitar and the hammer dulcimer. have any of you ever heard any Rich Mullins, who was excellent on the hammer dulcimer. Just wondering?
He wasn’t Catholic, but he did believe in a Sky God, poor man. Well I have to go hold my bed down, so it don’t float away.
See ya.
Well it’s possible your not a drunk but that leaves me at a loss to explain your behaviour here then.
Dufusses, you are as easy as playing a fiddle, though I don’t play one, but then again why would a man of my talent and aptitude want to do so?
wow, that sure sounded like he was channeling John Davison.
I wonder how long this will go on before the entertainment value wears thin.
I’m a drunk, and I would appreciate it if such rampant stereotyping was put to rest. I’m drunk right now, but you don’t see me making smug comments about my beliefs being unfairly targeted, even as I belittle those who believe otherwise while still being able to retreat into the shell of “I never meant to imply that”.
Back onto topic, why does anyone see anything odd about the Socal priests? This water is never blessed by anyone. Exactly as the rest of bottled water comes from a tap somewhere, marketers can make any unsubstantiated claim they want. The religious market is huge.
How about oil? As promoted by Global Warming Bush.
Bob
I wouldn’t want to be both damned and caught short handed on bottled holy water!
…
…..
OKAY. B(C? D? F?)-Movie idea: after the rapture… the VAMPIRES COME! And there’s no holy water and no crosses!
I think the new YouTube atheist craze should be denying the holy spirit and then swigging some of this. They should use that for ads, it’d probably sell more.
I actually registered the domain name martiansprings.com once a few years back when the Mars water “discoveries” were in the news…
Figured I might take bottled water and relabel it as a novelty item to sell. I thought I’d need a disclaimer – guess I was wrong about that.
Actually, bottled holy water seems like a good idea. You see, people in Bulgaria will try to get blessed water from churches. Usually, in their own receptacles and from a giant iron bucket. Luckily, this water stays overnight with a silver crucifix in it, so it may kill some of the germs. Otherwise, too many people crowding the blessed water vat may be a nuissance. So the largest monastery in the country has decded to bottle the water. Much too expensive to use for drinking needs, but a cleaner option to satisfy a religious thirst.
Isn’t this kind of stunt something that Delboy tried in Only Fools and Horses – getting the local priest to pre-bless wine by the lorry-load and selling it to vicars across the country, only to have it sent back because it was white not red.
Life imitates art so closely. If you want to know what fundamentalists are going to do next, start watching old episodes of British sitcoms.
The snake oil salesmen never stop. (In this case, the holy water salesmen never stop.)
I’d love to ask this guy what he thinks the mechanism behind this is. How exactly does he propose that blessed water quenches spiritual thirst?
Reaching far back into Catholic education I seem to remember that selling blessings or indulgences is a sin: simony.
“Selling Indulgences is a sin”
Unless you happen to be a pope or something.
Found this and thought it was pretty amusing.
http://www.founders.org/FJ36/editorial.html
Especially this. *Papal Bull?!* What else would they call it?
“Recent Papal Bull
The importance of it was driven home afresh in the latter part of 1998. On November 29, Pope John Paul II, since 1978 the head of the Roman Catholic Church, issued an official declaration, called a papal bull, entitled, Incarnationis Mysterium. In this bull the Pope declares the year 2000 as the “Great Jubilee Year,” and calls for a year-long celebration to mark the beginning of Christianity’s third millennium.
At the very heart of this jubilee celebration is a renewed emphasis on indulgences. Calling it a “precious gift” to the world, the Pope decreed that, beginning on Christmas Eve 1999 and continuing until January 6, 2001, “all the faithful, … make abundant use of … the indulgence.”[4]
The “Jubilee indulgence” which the Pope is offering is a plenary, (that is, full) indulgence. It purportedly has power to remove completely the penalty of all of your sins & enable you to by-pass purgatory altogether. You can earn one full indulgence a day, benefiting not only yourself but also any of your departed loved ones who are presently suffering in purgatory.
This indulgence can be earned by pilgrimages to Rome or Jerusalem, performing acts of service to others, making donations to the poor, or even by abstaining for only one day from “unnecessary consumption,” including smoking, drinking alcohol or sexual relations.[5]”
(comment #12) I want to know more about the blessing process. How much water can a priest bless in a given time? Are they working on increasing their output, like any other manufacturer? Have they looked into automation? Are they ISO9001 certified?
Posted by: ben | March 6, 2007 04:44 PM
There’s an interesting question. If a priest blesses, say, one gallon of water, and a homeopath then cuts it with 10,000 gallons of water, the company wouldn’t need much of the priest’s time.
A confluence of woo.
— CV
No, I’ve never tasted it, and I don’t run around with my mouth open (leads to sore throat).
No, I’ve never tasted it, and I don’t run around with my mouth open (leads to sore throat).
Warren wrote:
Warren? Holy water? Sunnydale?
Bored now.
Sounds like a Testable Hypothesis to me…
The other question is, of course, will the stuff be viable to perform a Black Mass?
Oops….
Why do they need to hire priests? Wouldn’t it be more cost-efficient to install next to the assembly line a loudspeaker playing a looped recording of the benediction, and perhaps a robot arm to make the sign of the cross?
twincats: A “sky pilot” is a miltary chaplain, from the older meaning of pilot as a guide. Some of us are old enough to remember the Animals having a song about it.
http://www.kabbalahwater.com
Kabbalah Water
“Just as the sharing energy of water was fundamentally changed by human consciousness at the time of Noah’s Flood, Kabbalah teaches that the power of consciousness can also reverse the change. Years ago, Rav Berg and the great Kabbalists who were his teachers made an astonishing discovery: a truly sharing consciousness, channeled through certain Kabbalistic blessings and meditations, has the power to return water to its primordial state of completely positive, healing energy. Through the power of these meditations and the consciousness of sharing that is their foundation, Kabbalah Water came into being — and its miraculous powers of restoration and healing became available to the world. Infused with sharing consciousness, Kabbalah Water manifests water’s primordial capacity to heal and protect.”
Clearly, P.T. Barnum underestimated the power of human stupidity.
Craig: Hey, you could do the Martian Spring water legitimately. Just build the bottling plant in a certain Pittsburgh suburb. Yep, there’s a town in Pennsylvania called Mars.
Barkdog: I know the guy in the song was a military chaplain, but I kinda had the impression from reading Westerns that “sky pilot” was sort of a slang term for any preacher type.