Skip this if you’ve had a big breakfast


This is quite possibly the most offensive video ever: Christian pirate puppets rapping. Seriously, don’t watch it if your stomach is at all unsettled.

Comments

  1. Aerik says

    *Quease…* Ugh. I’m glad I didn’t have breakfast at all yet. Already I think most people who have this fascination with pirate ‘culture’ are a bit dim. Pirates, no matter how you cut it, were rogues just as dirty as they were described. In Pirates of the Caribbean, whats-her-name would definitely have been raped if the pirates only had the equipment. Pirates wouldn’t raid a harbor and magically not get anybody killed in the process. Where was the scurvy? Geez.

    And now its Christian Pirate Rap. That’s just sick.

  2. Mena says

    Wow, ’80s style rap and posturing. How relevant to kids today! This is the lamest thing since the string of no talent actors singing oldies in the ’70s. Even boy bands weren’t this bad.

  3. Molly, NYC says

    Love that Christian choreography. However, I imagine these guys are unacquainted with the phrase “Rum, sodomy and the lash.”

  4. Lago says

    Please, make the images in my brain go away, …please? I beg of you, take a bullet and put it through the back of my skull so the figure of fat gay Christian pirates will be no more. It was like watching a car accident in slow motion with babies flying through the windshield while a steamroller rolls over a bag full of yelping puppies and mewing kittens…

    PZ,…never, EVER, do that to me again, or you’ll see my grieving window in court…

  5. Molly, NYC says

    Is it my imagination, or did those two guys dressed as pirates pat each other on the butts near the end?

    Probably not. You know how mosquitos are the natural reservoir for malaria and ducks are a natural reservoir for avian flu? Well, Bible schools are a natural reservoir for closet cases.

  6. Lago says

    “PZ,…never, EVER, do that to me again, or you’ll see my grieving window in court…”

    See PZ? It should have been “Widow” and not “Window”. This is the first signs of my melting neocortex. I am gettin’ in touch with my lawyer now wheel I can still spok ins cognaetive meaner. Is it gettin’ dim in here?

  7. says

    If y’all enjoyed that, you may want to search Youtube for “Captain Hook Christian pirate”. They also have a segment where kids have to walk the plank for their sins.

  8. says

    My, my, but that brings back memories. I have an old videotape around here somewhere that includes that horrific excerpt. “Captain Hook” was a man who lost his hand (hands?) in a motorcycle accident and thereafter became a kiddie show evangelist. The Revenge is my Destiny site has a list of hard-to-find (why are they looking?) videos that includes the one I have. They provide this description:

    PERVERSE PREACHERS, FASCIST FUNDAMENTALISTS & KRISTIAN KIDDIE KOOKS (8?) Relive the glory days of televangelism with this collection of crazy, scary, wacky stuff from Bible Country. All the biggies are here: Jim and Tammy, Jerry, Jimmy, Oral and Bob, plus a bunch of even creepier second-stringers you’ve probably never heard of. Best of all is the Christian kids show starring “Captain Hook” a genuine double amputee ex-biker, his dysfunctional but supportive family, and their cute Christian pirate puppets. In a remarkable display of bad taste the good Captain and his son “Fish Hook” (we see years of therapy ahead for this kid) perform an “autopsy” on a sinner — cutting out his eyes and ears, and fishing in his entrails for Marlboro packs & beer cans! And remember, this is a kids show! Ha!

    Damn! Now I want to go rummaging through the cupboards to find where I stashed it. That’s entertainment.

  9. tacitus says

    This one (from the same show) is absolutely appalling (especially since this is aimed at young kids):

  10. says

    This is blatant anti-FSM propaganda. Everybody knows that the patron saints of Pastafarianism are pirates (the adventurous scallywag types, not the raping murderous types). My bet is these Christians are deliberately trying to give pirates a bad name in attempt to prevent more of us from knowing the Flying Spaghetti Monster (blessed be his noodles).

    I have to ask… would they do such a thing to a much larger religion like, say, Islam? (that’s a rhetorical question, and the answer is yes).

  11. goddogtired says

    So, since Xians have no compuction about attempting to schmoove literally ANYTHING with their message of saccharine-tissued “faith” what I want to know is, WHERE is the Xian pornography? (assume ironic “…” as necessary from here on) There’s Xian gangsta, heavy metal, SF, horror – you know that, inspite of their obvious contradictions, some frozen-smiling believer has been told by the lord to produce inspirational porno videos, and you also know that they are really, really, really, really bad.
    Any brave porno scanners out there willing to point the morbidly curious toward one?

    Not that I approve of that sort of thing! …purely out of scientific interest… ahem.

  12. Mena says

    “WHERE is the Xian pornography?”
    They call it The Bible. Read the Song of Solomon or the parts where Lot’s daughters get naughty!

  13. says

    I like the Sex in Christ proposal. Note the last bullet point, “No Profanity.” That solves the Oh God problem for the Christian pornographers; the unbelievers will have to solve the problem for themselves, as in the cartoon referenced here not too long ago.

  14. says

    If the right-wing fundamentalist loony wackos ever discover market research, we’re hosed. That piece of execrable non-entertainment was obviously put together by people who think they know what kids like.

    Fortunately, they’re wrong; but one focus group will be all it takes.

  15. says

    Ugh. I’m glad I didn’t have breakfast at all yet. Already I think most people who have this fascination with pirate ‘culture’ are a bit dim. Pirates, no matter how you cut it, were rogues just as dirty as they were described

    Not really. In many ways the political organization of pirates was quite egalitarian and more “civilized” than that of the sailors of the nation states whose ships they plundered. Read Peter Lamborn Wilson’s “Pirate Utopias” for a quite scholarly treatment of the subject (with references).

  16. says

    goddogtired:

    WHERE is the Xian pornography?

    There is a subset of porn involving clothing fetishes, and within that, there are various other subsets. A few minutes with Google images (and without the SafeSearch feature) ought to yield pictures of people getting it on while dressed as nuns or priests.

    There’s also a company that sells crucifix-shaped dildos, though I guess that doesn’t count as porn.

    Does this help?