Link to me, or the Bible gets it!



Alright, people, I’m gonna get tough. You know what I want, and you’d better give it to me.

I’ve got a bible here, and a 44oz. Diet Coke…lots of liquid containing a diuretic, to boot. In about an hour, I figure my bladder is going to be pretty full. You know what could happen.

I don’t need information from you, and I sure don’t want your money. This is a weblog, and the currency here in these parts is the link, the trackback, the comment. Fork ’em over, or I’m taking this Bible down the hall. You know I’d do it. I’m a godless atheist—I don’t think your Bible means doodley-squat.

Intimidated yet?

I’ve also got some razor blades here. I don’t have to do it all at once—I could slice out bits piecemeal and prolong the agony. I don’t care for Genesis in particular, and Revelation is just crazy. Maybe I’ll start with those.

But hey, maybe it’ll hurt you more if I soak Psalms or the Sermon on the Mount with my heretical urine. Decisions, decisions. Shall I surprise you?

Come to think of it, I feel the need to go right now. Maybe I’ll take this book with me to the bathroom to read. Yeah, that’s it. I sure hope I don’t have an “accident” in there!

I’m going to check back in an hour. There better be some good linkage goin’ on here, or I might just let a drop fall on “Jesus wept.” You heard me. Get going. Type.

Update: I don’t think you people care enough. A few comments, a few trackbacks, and I don’t think most of the people doing it are particularly devout. I’m going to hold off a little longer, but I’m going to stash the Bible in the bathroom in case the whim strikes me in the middle of the night.

And I had another thought…if my sacrilegious urine is not scary enough, there’s a cat box downstairs. Here, kitty, kitty, kitty.

It’s Day 2 of the Bible Hostage Watch. It’s the Sabbath, and I’ve just put a big pot of coffee on.

I want you all to know I’ve got the Bible sandwiched between a copy of Jacoby’s Freethinkers and Darwin’s Origin. I’m waiting for the Stockholm Effect to kick in.

Before there James Frey made the news, there was me. The article above was posted on June 4, and by June 7 I was a broken man, my charade exposed. My confession is duplicated below.

I have a terrible confession to make. I lied. This whole thing was just a desperate plea for attention. Here’s the truth:

  • It was a 16oz bottle of diet Cherry Coke.
  • I made no effort to build up a good volume of urine; when I felt the urge, I’d just walk down the hall to the bathroom and go.
  • While I have no particular reverence for the Bible, I’m an academic—I love books. I get the heebie-jeebies at the thought of defacing any book.
  • I don’t respect the Bible, the Koran, Dianetics, the Torah, or the Book of Mormon as holy texts, but I’d get pee-shy about destroying any of them just because they are books. Even if they are worthless piles of pulp.
  • The really big lie: there was no Bible. I don’t own one. I was getting worried there when commenters started pressing me for details on what edition I had, because I didn’t have a clue what to say.

I know what this confession puts me at risk for: I expect I’m going to have to fight off all the movie deals, and those Big City Newspapers are going to be pestering me with job offers. The hassle will be worth it, though, if only it will get rid of those Army recruiters. They keep pounding on my door, telling me I’ve got the complete lack of scruples they need for some jobs in exotic foreign lands, and they promise I’d never have to confront anyone who might fight back—just frightened men and women and kids and old people in chains. They’re making me so nauseous that I’m willing to admit to being a big fat lying liar who lies in order to get them to go away.

By the way, since I made that post two people have sent me Bibles, so now I do have copies to deface…if I could.


  1. says

    Only 1 comment on this thread? Impossible! Surely God must be at work here. J/K!

    Seriously though, I would do a post/trackback/linkie thing on my own blog for you, but I just posted about how the laws of logic are material right before I saw your post here.

    And since Im an atheist, I kinda want to see your threat carried out. Maybe you could take the Quran hostage next?? ;)

  2. says

    Well, I would put a link but being a godless atheist myself I’m not particularly inclined to save that particular waste of toilet paper.

  3. says

    This post is an oldy but a goody! I find it interesting that when you initially posted this, there was a fracus about the Koran and toilets, but right now it is about Muslims and comics. Who knows what other instances this would be suitable for???

  4. john C. Randolph says

    Well, I’m all for desecration of “holy” texts, but in the Christians’ favor I will point out that you’re in very little, if any, physical danger from this. Try it with a Koran, and they’ll put out a hit on you.


  5. un malheureux vetu de noir says

    I just checked my “Buddy Christ(tm)” an’ he’s winking and giving a thumbs up. Go for it.

  6. says

    How about you take that razor blade and cut out all the homophobia, misogyny, xenophobia, and smiting? Cut the stuff about selling your daughters into concubinage, too. You can leave the bits about helping the poor, the quaint dietary laws, and the part about not mixing fibers.

    Oh, and by all means get rid of the stuff about God hating crustaceans. What did the poor little shrimp ever do to God?

    Whenever I read one of those holy books, I want to get out my blue pencil. Those prophets could have used a good editor.

  7. BruceH says

    Heather, Thomas Jefferson did that for you already. See Jefferson’s Bible a PBS. I think he was right to concentrate on the New Testament, though. Taking a red marker to the Old Testament would result in a very short book.

  8. says

    I’m trying to figure out exactly why you don’t want links or trackbacks. Is it the hosting costs?

    I mean, really. Isn’t this about the same as if Michelle Malkin threatened to retire if liberal bloggers didn’t start saying nice things about her?

  9. Crosius says

    So, the fewer links you get the worse it is for your copy of the bible?

    I just have one question:
    Is there any way for me to remove links from your site?

  10. Trish says

    Personally I’d just put the bible in the bathroom as toilet paper. Just rip out a page every time the need overcomes you.

    Hey PZ. It’s good to see you out there. To everyone else, this man pulled me from the depths of silliness and into the light. The world is a much more fascinating place because of it too.

    Why are people so fascinated with stories when the truth is so much more awe inspiring?

    So here’s to you PZ. You can’t rescue them all, but you did with me. And my son as well. I was so proud when he recently when the hype was going about ID being in classrooms. He told me he would purposely flunk out of an ID class if it ever came into being.

    I took him to church with his grandmother (she’s 86, and wanted family there .. I have a heart). He came out of there saying that Catholics are idiots. Well, he needed to see it for himself.

  11. Pete says

    My first comment on this site:

    Wait! Wait! Don’t do it yet! I haven’t figured out yet which of the three Paul conversion stories is true, or, or which of the different Creation stories, or which of the Easter morning stories!

  12. says

    You are forgiven for going along with your grandmother. My kids have been to church, too, and I’ve told them it’s fine to go any time they want.

  13. says

    While I have no particular truck with that particular book—it’s a book. You know—words arranged into sentences, bound at one edge into a volume.

    A Book.

    I just can’t get behind trashing a book, even that one. I mean, c’mon… IT’S A BOOK!

    I mean, Dear Adam Felbers’ Lobster, it’s a BOOK! Put those razor blades away, please! Books are not to be tampered with—not even that one!


    The Incoherent Bibliophiliac Jihad.

  14. Steviepinhead says


    My kids have been to church, too, and I’ve told them it’s fine to go any time they want.

    Just as long as they’re very careful to wash all the church cooties off before they come back into the house…

  15. Pastor Fuzz says

    Well Good Gravy!

    What PZ is proposing to do to the bible with razor blades is no different at all from what all good xtians et al. do to their holy books already, at least figuratively. Cut and paste, man! They do it every time they cite snippits of verse typically taken way out of any literary or historical context to support some loony notion or another. Hell, cut and paste enough and one can make the telephone directory say whatever one wants. I’ll bet that if PZ handy enough with his razor, he could remake that bible into “The Origin of Species!” That might start a riot!

  16. Graham says

    I love your Blog, being a confirmed atheist myself, but I think the Bible/Urine thing is a bit undergraduate.
    I also think the Bible should be viewed as fairy-tales, but sophomoric invective just gives the wingnuts some purchase.

  17. Torbjorn Larsson says

    Uh, I don’t condone booktrashing, even though there seems to be more of those than actual readers.

    I would instead chip some leftover cross down for kindling. Those I don’t care for.

    So anyway, why is it called the Book (biblos) and not the Babel? The later figured prominently in it, and it makes as much sense.

  18. says

    Well, aren’t you the daring one. You ought not to give this stuff away for free on the ‘net, seeing as how its sooo provocative and challenging that you could probably get an NEA grant.

    Yeesh. The Jihad is threatening to swallow us all whole, and all libs can come up with is their usual �pater les bourgeois

    Anyway, I gotcher link, right here.

    And lest you get the wrong idea, I’ll have you know that I’m very proud of my panda-lanche.

  19. says

    Few people realize that PZ Myer’s “Link to me, or the Bible gets it!” post drew heavily on material rapped by a certain (unspecified) U.S. president…
    Constitutional Christening

    PZ, I’ve tried a couple of times since you’ve moved to scienceblogs, but trackbacks to PhaWRONGula (done via HaloScan) don’t seem to be working. HaloScan says the ping was sent successfully, but I’ve not seen the trackbacks appear here.

  20. speedwell says

    We are the good guys. We do not trash books. Book trashing is for the anti-intellectuals and totalitarians.

  21. Flex says

    Go ahead!

    Trash your copy of the Origin as well.

    Even though I’m a rabid bibliophile, I’ve thought for some time that assuming that there is no additional information lost through destruction of a book, there is no reason to be concerned about the loss of a single copy.

    I’d like to see someone like Penn and Teller pull a similar stunt to show that evolution is NOT a religion. Have them destroy a copy of the Bible, the Koran, the Torah, and the Origin. Make it clear that every copy is brand new, and has no personal notes or personal meaning to anyone.

    I imagine that most people wouldn’t particularly care. But they could compare the reactions from the people who do. I anticipate that the reactions would show that far more people are upset about the destruction of a “holy” text than The Origin.

    Finally, don’t get me wrong. The destruction of a single copy of a much distributed book doesn’t bother me. An organized book-burning does. Not so much because of the destruction of the books themselves, but because it is a celebration of hatred against ideas.

    On the other hand, anyone who wants to damage my original edition of Augustus De Morgan’s A Budget of Paradoxes will have to kill me first. There are some books I own which I attached to at the level of a primitive fetish.

  22. Trish says

    Sheesh some people out there need to get a sense of humor!

    I haven’t seen them under the endangered species list. So if we “off” a few here and there what’s the big deal eh?

  23. Nancy says

    I’m a Christian and I found this post hilarious! Some of us do have a sense of humor. And, I’m secure enough in my beliefs that I don’t find this threatening and I get the irony. I am offended, though, that you chose Coke and not Pepsi. What were you thinking?

  24. Torbjorn Larsson says

    “The destruction of a single copy of a much distributed book doesn’t bother me. An organized book-burning does. Not so much because of the destruction of the books themselves, but because it is a celebration of hatred against ideas.”

    Well said.

  25. says

    Dr. Free-Ride: the bit about shrimp in Leviticus is a mistranslation. The original said something closer to

    None of the sea creatures with many legs shall be clean to you. The octopus and the squid, because they have many limbs and have no bones, are an abomination unto the LORD, and any man who touches them shall be ceremonially unclean until sundown. In fact, the LORD doesn’t know what he was thinking the day He created them.

    PZ: How come you don’t have a copy of the Bible? Don’t you travel? Don’t you know that most hotels have complimentary copies? I got an NIV for free from some group proselytizing on campus, years ago.

  26. says

    Cephalopods, an abomination? I reject this god.

    Sidewalks have gum stuck on them, but that doesn’t mean I collect the wads and bring them home with me.

  27. says

    Oh, man, not Revelations!! A little acid, wait for the flow.. & then read that book.. It’s the best one!
    If you gotta, the books of the old testament are fair game.. all that begatting, spilling of seed, killing of thine enemies & such.. p_ss on it all I say!

    oh.., nothing makes the kidneys flow like cheap beer.. ;-))

    there were two books I thought of burning.. Yes, I know.. once you start.. (what’s that the repubs say ’bout drugs? ;-)), but.. One claimed smoking tobacco was good for your health.. I kid you not.. I wasn’t sure if I should laugh or cry! A whole book!, as in nearly 200 pages! The other preached that plastic, filling our land (I didn’t even know the land was empty?) was neccessary for prosperity & health. In the end, I just shook my head & walked away.

    tolerance is a funny thing..

  28. says

    arensb: Actually, the cephalopods are evidence of intelligent design; it’s just that humans aren’t the species being intelligently designed. Their eyes don’t have blind spots. They don’t have badly-engineered joints that get strained, pop out, or otherwise break down. (See more details about this theory, including the reason humans exist….)

  29. PiscusFicheHatesLeviticus says

    I personally don’t care if you want to pee on Leviticus. In fact, it’s too bad you don’t have the requisite body parts to use Leviticus as a tampon, which would be even better.

  30. Gry Heidi Nordhagen says

    A book that has been populat for more than a century or two must have at least SOME bits worth reading. (I can’t really remember any in the Bible right now, but then it’s been a while since I have read anything in that one.)

    Still, when I want to read something religious that is also fun reading, I prefer the Edda. (Yes, I am descended from the Vikings :-))

  31. Dan Hoey says

    PZ left this straight line two weeks ago:

    My kids have been to church, too, and I’ve told them it’s fine to go any time they want.

    Just make sure they understand that if they go during a service, they’ll have to sit in the pew.

  32. Charles Curtis says

    Sorry, but you people are idiots. I find it really interesting how most atheistic “satire” rarely rises above what you’d expect from a middle-schooler.

    In your own way you’re about as mature and sophisticated as those raving lunatics burning flags & embassies, & killing priests over a bunch of drawings..

    Keep it up..

  33. says

    I am amused at the way a vague threat to a piece of paper gets equated to the embassy burnings, which were in response to a piece of paper…and the poor sap doesn’t even recognize the irony.

  34. says

    I voted for you in several categories so a) I hope I get invited to the orgy and b) I just had my uncle tell me that because my husband and I meditate we’re not really atheist. Nope, apparently we just think we are! Yes he said that. When I called him on his fallacious reasoning he got even weirder.

    I wrote a post about my anger and frustration on getting slowly inundated with more and more “god” crap. I’m with you on this. My indifference is slowly turning to rage.

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