This post is aimed especially at my European readers, or any readers who have traveled in Europe. As I have mentioned before, Cuttleson is going to be in Europe (Denmark) soon, for roughly 4 months. At one point (I need to ask him the specific dates, but it is in Spring) he has 2 weeks free to travel. For some of that, he may be traveling with friends, but perhaps not all of it.

Anyway, he is looking for ideas. At this point, he claims to be less interested in, say, ruins than in natural beauty. The sites he mentioned to me included things like Croatia’s Plitvice Lakes, and Meteora in Greece. He thought the idea of climbing Mt. Olympus was wonderful. He is clearly not opposed to making a long trip from Denmark. His current ideal would be to find a place to stay as a base for at least a few days, while he explores several different nearby areas.

So… I am asking for your advice, your ideas, your experience. Do you have a favorite place that is unlikely (or is very likely) to be found in a tour guide? Any places he really ought to avoid, if (as he claims) he’d rather see the French countryside than the Eiffel Tower?

I know I have quite a few European readers, from across the whole of the continent. Please don’t be shy; post in the comments, or (if you really want your special place to remain a secret) that’s my email address over there to the right.

From the North, with the cold and the ice,
To the South, where the beaches are nice,
To the East, to the West,
If your country’s the best
Then it’s you whom I ask for advice!

A bit of an explanation first. I realized, upon reading this, that my mom is strange. You see, she has her own way of pronouncing some words–not a regional accent, just her. “Bicycle” is pronounced as if you just put “bi” in front of the word “cycle”; nobody does that. “Aren’t” is pronounced with two syllables; nobody does that. And the phrase “once in a blue moon” has the accent on the word “blue”, like “once in a BLUE moon”. Again, nobody does that. But… the tag phrase to this verse came to me, unbidden, as such things do, and it was pronounced that way. So, no complaining about the meter; I already know.

As the calendar crawls toward the end of the year
And of course, as a brand new beginning draws near
I guess it’s just human to look to the past
At the things we have done; at the lot we’ve been cast,
At the friends we have gained, and the friends we have lost,
At the things we might change, had we just known the cost.
I’ll go quite a long time without thinking of you,
But, once in a blue moon, I do.

A year full of travel, of learning, of fun,
A year I’d have sworn had just only begun
Although it was tough, this was one of the best,
With the children all grown up and leaving the nest
They’re better than me, I’ll admit it with pride,
And I think I might burst, I’m so happy inside!
And my heart doesn’t feel like the thing it once was
But, once in a blue moon, it does.

It isn’t the same, but it never can be,
As time, and as life, moves too quickly for me,
The days—hell, the weeks—are a bit of a blur
And things are not ever the way that they were.
I guess I just mean that I want you to know
That I hope you are happy and well, even though
I may miss you much more than the law should allow,
Just once in a blue moon… like now.

Anyway, having suffered through that, you deserve something better. I first heard the following song sung by it’s writer, singer-songwriter Patrick Alger, in a singer-songwriter charity event that became the album “Shelter”. I still hear it in his voice first, and all others are imitators (oddly enough, although he sang “Once in a very blue moon” for the concert, he sings a different song on the album, which I bought specifically for that song. Worth it anyway.) The song is far more associated, though, with Nanci Griffith, for whom it is a signature song. Enjoy:

Ok, before I get to the meat of this post, I need to remind you that my new book (volume 2) is out, and available at the link there (no, not the upper one, the lower one) at the right-tentacle side of the page. I also need to remind you that the pdf versions of both books are available for a price of “nothing at all”; that is, they are free, as my cephalopodmas gift to you. (It would be extremely tacky of me to remind you that the dead-tree versions are also available, and that if you wish to give them as cephalopodmas gifts to those for whom you have strong feelings of love or hate, you’d better order soon. Lulu has been incredibly fast, but you are as bad as I am, waiting this late before shopping!)

Ok, once you have taken a good look at those PDFs, or (much, much better) have read the actual dead-tree books, you are ready for this story. Once you have seen the reports of kinky preachers, foolish believers, and general tales of blasphemy (there is more than that… but there is a bit of that), you are ready.

Blake Stacey was ready. Blake has copies of my first book. Blake has probably read everything in both books, and still has the fortitude of character to give copies of the book as gifts. Blake is a god among men. (Blake also has a book out, and frankly, if you only have enough money for either mine or his, the smart money is on his. Seriously, click the link. Buy his book. Trust me.)

So anyway, Blake Stacey … let me quote (with permission, of course) his email:

I ordered three copies of THE DIGITAL CUTTLEFISH, VOL. 2 from Lulu.com last week, and today a box from Lulu arrived in the mail. “Hooray!” thought I. “That was faster than I expected.” I opened the box to find three copies of “Faith Journeys: Devotions for Spiritual Enrichment”, by a certain Thomas R. Feller, Jr. I don’t particularly know what to make of this. I think I’d be irritated, if it weren’t so amusing.

I don’t know if Mr. Feller and I got each other’s orders, if this was a Lulu error or a FedEx error, or what, exactly. However, the mental image of three books of Cuttlefish verse arriving on the doorstep of Greenville, North Carolina’s Landmark Baptist Church, addressed to the music director, fills me with what one might call unholy glee.

Yours,
Blake Stacey

Much as I am sorry that Blake Stacey got copies of “Faith Journeys”, I have indulged myself in fantasizing Mr. Feller’s (or, sometimes, his mother’s) face, as he (she) opens the unexpected delivery and finds the “Eulogy for Gary Aldridge“…

Y’know… That verse was the very first that really got me noticed, and I wrote it before I started this blog (ok, technically, it was before I changed this blog over to what it currently is, but shaddup), so it never got any hits or immediate comments, and since I have no verse to go with this story (Blake’s email is poetry itself!), I think I will reprise it. The Reverend Gary Aldridge had, sadly, gone to meet his maker, and no one was happy about that. Some, however, did have a bit of a tee-hee over the condition in which the good Pastor was found… wearing 2 wetsuits, bound with several (11?) ties, and with a dildo (properly covered with a condom) inserted… where I suppose you would expect it to be inserted, I suppose. Clearly, a sad occasion, approached only by Second City’s “Funeral”, the sad tale of a man who was suffocated, by getting his head caught in an economy size can of Van Camp’s Pork & Beans.

Remember, go buy Blake’s book. For cephalpodmas, squidmas, Xmas, christmas, or any other mas you have lounging about failing to contribute to the economy.

We gather here to eulogize
The Pastor and the Man
Old Gary Aldridge, often wise,
Though not his latest plan.

A member of the Christian nation,
Friend of Jerry Falwell,
His last attempt at masturbation
Didn’t go at all well.

For fifteen years, he’d preached the word
A Southern Baptist minister
His death–now, is it just absurd
Or something rather sinister?

How does a person come to wear
Not one wetsuit, but two?
(Although, I know, I should not care
I’m curious–aren’t you?)

I tend to think that, years ago,
He spied a rubber glove,
And wondered “Should I–well, you know–
When God and I make love?”

He tried it on, and found a tube,
Half hidden on his shelf,
Of KY–smiled, and murmered “Lube
Thy neighbor as thy self.”

And minutes later, hard at work,
He felt a little odd
Was this a sin, or just a quirk?
He talked it out with God.

“Is what I’m doing here a sin?
Or is my pleasure Thine?
Is this as bad as skin on skin?
Lord, please, give me a sign!”

So God produced a pamphlet: “Your
Vacation in Aruba!”
And pointed out–right there, page four–
The wetsuits used for SCUBA

See, God’s not really how you think
A deity might be
He’s got a wicked bondage kink
(Just ask His son, J. C.)

So Gary died, not steeped in sin
But following God’s plan;
So straight to Heaven–come on in!
And bring the wetsuits, man!

A story, sure, but it may yet
Explain what happened then.
The moral is, please don’t forget:
Your safeword is “Amen”.

I should have done this long ago, but for the unfortunate fact that I am an idiot. Anyway, you have probably forgotten all about the two buttons over there to the right that lead to Lulu and to where you can buy my books. (Still sounds strange in the plural.) I have, as my present to you, just figured out that I can give you the downloadable version for free. So now, that is how both books are set (my apologies to those wonderful people who already paid for a download of Vol. 1. No such apologies are needed as yet for Vol. 2.), and I encourage you to click on over and grab yourself a copy of each. It will be slightly more convenient than printing out the entire blog, although the books don’t contain any of my commentary–just the verse.

If you like, then, you can just print out a copy of a particular verse to tape anonymously to someone’s door, or stuff in the church mailbox, or try to pass off as your own. If you really like, you can then buy a copy for Uncle Sid or Cousin Mildred or that weird neighbor down the street, and (at least as of this writing) it will get to you in time for squidmas. And if you feel guilty, there is the tip jar, also over there to the right–but I expect no squid pro quo; the free downloads are indeed my gift to you.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to grading…

To all of my readers, from me,
There’s a present for under your tree
Just a PDF file
That might make you smile–
The important part is: it’s for free!

(let me know if it isn’t showing as free. It ought to be, but I never was good with computers, so if it could be screwed up, it likely is.)

I found the following drifting lazily down through an eddy in the time-space continuum…

In Atheism 6.2
The features that we add for you
Revise the changes we’d begun
In 5.5 through 6.1

In 5.5 through 5.7
Metaphors of hell and heaven
Were allowed, but pearly gates
Were strictly seen as 5.8’s

You must remember 5.9,
In which we said communion wine
Was for the first time “good to go”
(We took it back in 6.0.)

But frankly, wine was lots of fun,
So just as quickly, 6.1
Restored the wine, now 6.2
Allows us cheese and crackers, too.

But wine and crackers, even cheeses
Are not blood, nor flesh of Jesus,
(Once, of course, we called it true,
But that was version 4.2.)

Accomodationism maths
Makes some folks mad as psychopaths
They rant and rave like total jerks
And say “The beta version works!”

It has no bugs; it needs no mods,
It’s simply “no belief in gods”
But whiny people soon complained,
So changes soon were entertained

The purists say it came undone
As early on as 1.1
Which left believers free to claim
That “God” was “Nature’s other name”

Before you knew it, 1.3
Included “spirituality”
From there, by pieces, fits, and starts,
The later versions hit the charts

I wonder, what could be in store
For 6.3 and 6.4.
So pick your fave, and start a schism.
One thing it’s not… is atheism.

Context? Sure… PZ writes about Atheism 3.0… He terms it “Atheist, but…”. I much prefer “Atheist and“. Not “atheist and spiritual”, that would be an example of an “atheist but”. I prefer “Atheist and versemonger”, or “atheist and dad” or “atheist and late for dinner”. Not an atheism that has to be blended with religion or spirituality or anything else, but atheism that is perfectly well defined, now what else are you?

Ok, this is not The Book, but there is no way that The Book (with actual chapters, illustrations, commentary and such) could possibly be ready in time for anyone to order it for Squidmas. I really wish it could be, but I am much too swamped with Real Life.

So this is The Digital Cuttlefish, Vol. 2, which is merely the stuff I have written (well, lots of it, anyway–I did not include literally everything) in the year since Vol. 1 came out. I put this one out (in a hurry) because of a couple of requests, so that people could give it to friends (or enemies, I suppose) for the holidays. It does have some of my very favorites in it, and I must admit it was great fun revisiting the year as I rushed to put this together. Volume 1 is still available, too, of course. If Lulu has a way of doing a package deal, I’d be glad to put one together and save you some money.

I wouldn’t blame you a bit if you waited for the deluxe edition, but there is no way it will be out before the new year, and perhaps well into that.

Oh, yeah, it might help if I gave you a link:

Heh… boy, do I know how to write an ad…

I’ve got absolute truths by the dozens
They depend on the god that you cite
And, my brothers and sisters and cousins,
I have to decide which is right.

Each claims their morality’s better
They’re divinely inspired, you see;
So I’d follow their laws to the letter,
Except that they all disagree.

Whenever I look to the bible
To see how a person behaves
I can trust that the info’s reliable,
Like how I should punish my slaves.

I don’t wish to be petty or selfish
I just want to know I am right
Is it worse to be gay, or eat shellfish?
Both are wrong, in Leviticus’ sight.

Is it sinful to kill and eat cattle?
Well, the Hindus, of course, would agree
But then, kosher’s a whole different battle,
Although bacon tastes yummy to me!

I’ve got absolute truths if you want ‘em
Each according to different gods
Some keep them, and others will flaunt ‘em
But you’re breaking some rules, say the odds.

When religions make war over quarrels,
And they claim that their god is the source
Can a person have humanist morals?
Of Course!

Context: USA Today story (along with comment thread–you might want to join in!) about the new holiday ads by the humanists. Another round of “be good for goodness’ sake!”, which might as well be “your Virgin Mary wears army boots!”, for the reaction it’s getting.

Galileo’s middle finger. Appropriately.

The mystery no longer lingers:
Found, at last, two missing fingers.
They both belonged, as did one tooth,
To Galileo. That’s the truth.

The heretic had made a fuss
Supporting old Copernicus;
The Earth, he said, each year will run
An orbit ’round our yellow sun;

A statement, in The Church’s sight,
That could not possibly be right–
So Galileo swore he lied,
And nine years later, up and died.

Nine decades later, scientists
With strange things on their “must do” lists
Removed some fingers, teeth, and bones,
Then laid him back beneath the stones.

For years, his parts, though very old,
Were bartered, traded, bought and sold,
Until, in nineteen-hundred five,
Expected parts did not arrive.

The trading, then, went underground—
Until this year. Now, they’ve been found!
Next year, his fans may go and see ‘em
At Florence’s History of Science Museum.

The Beeb reports that… well, honestly, it’s best in their words:

Two fingers and a tooth belonging to famed astronomer Galileo Galilei have been found more than 100 years after going missing, a museum in Italy says.

A collector bought the items, lost since 1905, at auction and gave them to Florence’s History of Science Museum.
The museum said it had no doubt about the authenticity of the items.

Scientists cut the parts – plus another finger and a vertebrae – from Galileo’s body in 1737, almost 100 years after he died.

So… in honor of Galileo (and inconsistent with the title of this post), a music video. I never quite got the “degrees of separation” bit–but I am friends with the sister (and her husband) of the author and performer of this particular “Galileo”. (I’d embed it, but they have requested not to. Go. Click. It’s a few years old, but it’s worth it.)

Oh, pity petty Stanley Fish
Who isn’t treated as he’d wish;
Who wants the world to go his way
Complaining at each brief delay.

If retail workers choose to take
Their legally required break
And Stanley has to wait a bit
Professor Fish will throw a snit.

The poor, poor, privileged Stanley Fish
Starts steaming like a chafing dish
When operators are too bold
And ask to put the man on hold.

And Stanley Fish will take offense
(In fact, or maybe in pretense)
At error screens and menu trees
And other helpful things as these.

It must be nice to live a life
So calm, so cool, so free of strife;
Annoyances are viewed as crimes
And worth a column in The Times.

In his column in Monday’s New York Times, Stanley Fish complains:

There is a class of utterances that, when encountered, produces irritation, distress and, in some cases, the desire to kill. You hear or read one of these and your heart sinks. Everyone will have his or her (non)favorites. Mine is a three-word announcement on the TV screen, “To Be Continued,” which says, “I know that you have become invested in this story and are eager to find out how it ends, but you’re going to have to wait for a few days or a week or a month or forever.” In the great order of things, it is only a minor inconvenience, but it is experienced as a deprivation; you were banking on something and now it has been taken away.

Stanley has a rough life. I can’t think of the last time “To Be Continued” gave me the desire to kill.

He goes on to list other horrible crimes against humanity, like cashiers taking breaks, operators asking if they can put you on hold, and the horrible and insulting “Please listen carefully as our menu options have changed.” Yeah, that last one is right up there with roadside bombs and amoebic dysentery, innit? I note also, with amusement, that Fish takes computer messages as being designed to tell him, personally, that he is an idiot, when in fact he is clearly more important than the people who are trying to do their jobs while dealing with a caller or customer whose idea of an appropriate response to “to be continued” is homicidal rage.

So there it is : a list of phrases that make you wince and say (if only to yourself), “Oh, no!”, because they derail expectation or because they offer condescension and prevarication in equal measure or because they accuse you of failures and weaknesses often before you’ve even had a chance to do anything.

I’m sure the list could be longer, and I invite you to add to it.

I did add to it. As of this writing, my comment is “awaiting moderation”, despite roughly one hundred later comments all being posted without incident. My comment (submitted at 8:05):

“Let us pray”.

The next few minutes will rarely be devoted to speaking to god, but rather to chastising those gathered in hearing range, whether they wish to hear or not. All well and good; those people are there to hear, whereas god is busy helping a football team win or something. Still, if you are going to speak to the people, then admit you are speaking to the people, and don’t pretend to be praying. Better yet, use the time in productive activity.

And of course, the similarly useless

“Join me in a moment of silence”

In which a group of people gathered together, who could be using this time productively, intentionally choose to waste it, but to make themselves feel better about having done so.

Comments are now closed, after 424 people complained about trivia similar to Fish’s selfish items, and one person writes “How albout (sic) all the religious ones? Have a blessed day. It is God’s will. He won’t give youmore (sic) than you can handle Blah, de blah, de blah.”

I suppose my comment won’t be approved, because it was not trivial enough. It’s ok for Stanley to insult the service industry, but to suggest that prayer is an organized waste of time? Not in Stanley’s world.

The experts all will have their say,
Examining each different way
The world we know will cease to be;
We know the world will end one day,
We each could be the last to see,
And though we know, of course, it may,
We each will hope “it can’t be me!”

A black hole made by evil CERN
A calendar about to turn,
With all the danger that portends;
An unknown planet, which we learn
Will kill our families and our friends;
Some few will watch the planet burn
And witness as our species ends.

We read, and weigh their sage advice:
The world will end in fire or ice
Or so, in rhyme, said Robert Frost.
How will it end? We roll the dice,
The game is over when we’ve lost;
Today, the players don’t think twice—
Their children will absorb the cost.

Disaster films and end-times tales
Are more concerned with ticket sales
Than teaching people how to care,
The work that such a job entails,
The damage that we must repair,
Before our fragile system fails
And all too soon… there’s no one there.

The saddest thing I have seen on this is that there are people who take this 2012 nonsense so seriously that they are contemplating suicide–or worse, suicide after killing their families.