The War Against Christmas is over!
(Well, you knew that it never could last)
Christmas Present has changed beyond telling
And you’ll nevermore see Christmas Past

Christmas Future is only a fiction
Cos the future, we never can see—
When it gets here, it’s simply the present
(It’s a bit too confusing for me).

‘Twas a fight between Jesus and Santa
Between blood sacrifice, and good cheer
Solemn prayer versus presents and tinsel
It was all neck and neck… till this year…

See, the War Against Christmas is theatre
It’s tragedy, drama, and farce!
The War Against Christmas is comic
Though the laughter has been a bit sparse

Every show, though, must come to its ending
The curtain must finally fall
And the War Against Christmas is dying
Which is quite a relief to us all

I don’t care if your name is O’Reilly—
You can only stay mad for so long
And as anger gives way to acceptance
You can finally see… you were wrong.

Cos the truth is that no one hates Christmas
(Well, there may be a handful, of course)
What we do want is all views respected,
Not your Christmas by government force

You don’t have to do Christmas like I do;
I don’t have to do Christmas like you;
We don’t have to do Christmas at all, if we wish,
Doing nothing’s acceptable, too.

You can shop till you drop, or buy nothing;
Be happy, or grumpy, or sad
Treat the day any way that you want to;
At the end of the day, you’ll be glad.

The War Against Christmas is over
And you know, it’s been mountains of fun
The War Against Christmas is finished…
And who’d have believed it—we won!

I had the most remarkable dream. Bill O’Reilly admitted he was wrong about the War On Christmas. Stranger than those dreams where you can fly or see through walls or be a cuttlefish or something–can you imagine it? Billo admitting an error?

But can you imagine a bigger ratings boost? What better clickbait? “Bill O’Reilly: ‘I was wrong!'” Fox would see more traffic in a day than all xmas season! Ah, but what would he do next year? There’s the rub…