The Onion had a point-counterpoint exchange with John Boehner debating himself over the shutdown and his role in it. In the first part, Boehner recites the official line, saying the same things he has been saying at his public appearances.
In the second, he releases his innermost thoughts and says things like this:
Help me. Please, God, help me. I’ve lost control and I need help.
The far right members of my party are insane. I don’t know what they’re thinking, and I don’t want to know because it would be too horrifying. I’ve tried to explain it to them over and over and they don’t listen to me. They don’t listen to anybody.
I hate them. I hate all of them. And yet I also fear them.
I want to admit something: I’ve cried in my office every day for the last month. During this shutdown I’ve sat there, panicked and alone, scared to death about the next thing they’ll make me do. When they knock on my door, my heart stops. What are they going to make me say next? How are they going to force me to embarrass myself next?
The sad thing is that this parody side of the Boehner self-debate, while funny, is more likely to be an accurate reflection of Boehner’s state of mind than the seemingly straightforward side.