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Great moments in legislation

It is extraordinary the things that some legislators worry about. The Judiciary Committee of the state legislature of North Carolina has approved House Bill 34 that seeks to protect the citizens of that state from being traumatized by seeing the ‘private parts’ of people who may willfully expose them in any public place. This was apparently triggered by a topless rally held in Asheville last year by women protesting that men are allowed to be topless in public while women are not, and demanding equality.

The bill is quite specific, specifying in section (a2):

For the purposes of this section, the term “private parts” means external organs of sex and of excretion, including the nipple, or any portion of the areola, of the human female breast. [Underlining in original-MS]

What about breastfeeding in public? The law has got that covered, so to speak, in section (b):

Notwithstanding any other provision of law, a woman may breast feed in any public or private location where she is otherwise authorized to be, irrespective of whether the nipple nipple, or any portion of the areola, of the mother’s breast is uncovered during or incidental to the breast feeding. [All markings in original-MS]

A first offense under the proposed law could result in up to six months in jail.

The question arose of what might happen to a woman who suffered a ‘wardrobe malfunction’ because her casual clothing revealed these forbidden parts. One legislator suggested that the strategic use of duct tape would prevent such mishaps.

So soon you may be free to go to North Carolina without fear of being exposed to the danger of a suddenly flashed areola. And if you are a woman, take along some duct tape, just in case.


  1. bubba707 says

    Put duct tape on the legislators nipples then yank it off. Repeat every day until they either quit or repeal that stupidity.

  2. bubba707 says

    Marcus, that occured to me but the buildup of hot air would make them explode and some poor innocent soul would get stuck cleaning it up.

  3. Mano Singham says

    I cannot imagine what drives people to go out in freezing weather with skimpy clothing, like those members of the Polar Bear club who dive into lakes and oceans in winter.

  4. AsqJames says

    For the purposes of this section, the term “private parts” means external organs of sex and of excretion, including the nipple, or any portion of the areola, of the human female breast.

    I’m confused.

    That “and” has only two possible meanings: 1) Only parts of the body which are both “sex organs” and “excrete” a substance* are considered “private”, or 2) Sex organs are considered private and organs which excrete a substance are also considered private.

    If it has meaning 1 this would exclude the nipple as it is not an organ which is necessary for sexual reproduction in humans. However, since the sentence goes on to specifically include the nipple, we can only conclude meaning 2 is applicable.

    Thus the exposure of any other “external organ” of “excretion” must also be covered. I do hope North Carolina haven’t elected somebody who has never heard of perspiration, crying or even a runny nose, but I suppose that would be preferable to having elected someone who does know about those things and thinks they should be illegal in public.

    * – Incidentally, “excretion” really only applies to waste products no? I think this dumbass meant “secretion”. Like, you know semen, lubrication or milk. Since they all serve a specific purpose, none of them is “waste”.

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