May 05 2012

That book would be so useful in an argument

Categories:

Humor

by PZ Myers

Anyone know where I can get a copy? I’m already a penis-haver, so I’m good in that department, thanks.

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34 comments

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1

'Tis Himself

5 May 2012 at 9:15 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Benny Ratzi and his predecessor, John Paul the Two Eyes, made it clear that the number one requirement to become a priest was being a penis-haver.
2

Akira MacKenzie

5 May 2012 at 9:36 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

“I am the penis-haver!”

It’s a lot funnier when you read it with an exaggerated German accent.
3

Sili

5 May 2012 at 9:41 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

*ahegm*

http://mattbors.com/archives/870.html
4

dianepatyjewicz

5 May 2012 at 9:47 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Sent to my women friends.
We used to say that we didn’t have “nuts” and that is why we could not advance in the Catholic church.

Now I know we are “not a penis haver” and that is why we are the lowly peons in the church.
I left last year, I think it was one of the most important decisions of my life.
5

Trebuchet

5 May 2012 at 10:06 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I read that as “penis-waver”. Even better that way!
6

jonnyscaramanga

5 May 2012 at 10:48 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Clearly the best thing ever. I’m posting this everywhere.
7

Marcus Ranum

5 May 2012 at 10:57 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

When you look at Ratzi’s personal secretary, “penis haver” is good for an extra giggle or two.
8

'Tis Himself

5 May 2012 at 11:15 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Marcus Ranum,

It’s not surprising Benny has a gorgeous personal secretary, Benny sets off a whole bunch of peoples’ gaydars.
9

F

5 May 2012 at 12:06 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

dianepatyjewicz, good for you. Isn’t it a relief?

-F(ormer Catholic)
10

ericdutton

5 May 2012 at 2:17 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Thanks, Sili. Until you provided that link, I had thought that “bors” was supposed to be an onomatopoeia for the sound of a book slamming shut.
11

tim rowledge, Ersatz Haderach

5 May 2012 at 2:58 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Could have sworn it read ‘penis-shaver’ the first time I saw it. It certainly doesn’t make any less sense as an argument for having The Authoriteh.
12

kemist, Dark Lord of the Sith

5 May 2012 at 3:12 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

It’s a lot funnier when you read it with an exaggerated German accent.

In my head for some reason the accent was italian.

Especially the “shut your face” part.

I blame Family Guy.
13

IslandBrewer

5 May 2012 at 3:25 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Whenever I read a quote from the current pedophile apologist, it makes me want to click my heels together and raise my arm.

Wait, does that count as Godwinning?
14

cag

5 May 2012 at 4:08 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

IslandBrewer #13, around these parts it is more like Godlosing. We shall have no Godwinning.
15

David Marjanović

5 May 2012 at 4:35 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

From the same site. Thanks, Sili.
16

nickterlizzi

5 May 2012 at 4:52 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

“I am the penis-haver” links to small.png

/supermature
17

McCthulhu - resentful that McHastur is taller.

5 May 2012 at 6:44 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

The cartoonists really captures the spirit of the demented little Hitler youth goblin that is Pope Fritz.

For the record, penis-having is highly overrated as far as actually giving you veto powers vs. a wife and daughter who aren’t superstitious twits.
18

McCthulhu - resentful that McHastur is taller.

5 May 2012 at 6:50 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@Sili: Is ‘*ahegm*’ the more phlegmatic version of *ahem*? I guess having a bit more mucous rattling around the glottis does elicit more attention from the room.
19

shazibrahim

5 May 2012 at 7:18 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Gays are Penis-Havers too.

I guess maybe the church wants gay men’s penises to be called something else (Civil Uniters, maybe?)
20

timberwoof

5 May 2012 at 8:44 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

shazibrahim, according to the Catholic church, gay men can have penises—just not use them.
21

Azuma Hazuki

5 May 2012 at 9:07 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Hey, I’m a penis-haver too! It lives in my sockdrawer and is blue and eats batteries (and possibly dustbunnies too…?). So can I wave it around like a lightsaber? Will it go “wang, wang!” like a lightsaber does? This is especially appropriate given Ratzie looks like Palpatine…
22

ruteekatreya

5 May 2012 at 9:10 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

But Luke’s wangsaber was green…
23

Just_A_Lurker

6 May 2012 at 1:31 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

But Luke’s wangsaber was green…

Ratzi’s must be red then.
24

McCthulhu - resentful that McHastur is taller.

6 May 2012 at 1:36 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I waited and waited and nobody said it…

“I see your Schwartz is as big as mine!”
25

summerminor

6 May 2012 at 1:49 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

My friends and I play a game of rock-paper-scissors where penis trumps vagina. Now I know a new response to give while playing. LOL
26

Rolan le Gargéac

6 May 2012 at 4:24 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

summerminor @25

…where penis trumps vagina

Shirley that is wrong ! A vagina can have as many penii as she wants ! Nibble they tiny heads off !
27

Winterwind

6 May 2012 at 5:08 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@McCthulhu #18

A rare example of the phlegmatic fallacy?
28

John Morales

6 May 2012 at 5:11 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

[OT + meta]

Winterwind, more like well-done than rare.

–

OTOH, mucus is the noun, mucous the adjective

</pedant>
29

Drolfe

6 May 2012 at 7:21 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

[OT]

Azuma, Ruteekatreya,

Now, now, Luke’s lightsabers have been both blue and green! (And yellow if you include the Kenner action-figure of my youth.)

(This is going overboard, right?)
30

McCthulhu - resentful that McHastur is taller.

6 May 2012 at 8:23 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

@Winterwind:

The thread was already phallusy enough without my help.

@J. Morales:

Thanks for pointing out the difference. People usually don’t bring these things up because it’s snot polite dinner conversation.
31

RFW

6 May 2012 at 11:04 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

I don’t know what the situation is today, but in medieval times a man could not become a priest if he lacked bodily intactitude. [Cripey, I sure phrased that badly!] In one of Sigrid Undset’s interminable novels set in medieval Norway, this is a plot mechanism: a son destined for the church loses a finger thereby kiboshing the plan.

And there are persistent (though probably false) rumors that the last step in electing a new pope is to have the cardinal electors verify that the pope-elect has two balls, by sitting him in a chair with a U-shaped seat, there to be fondled religiously. I hope they wear rubber gloves! [Does anyone make bright red disposable latex gloves? Is there a factory in Italy that does a special production run for every papal election?]

PS: Warning: Do not read Sigrid Undset’s interminable novels set in medieval Norway if you are prone to depression. Both “The Master of Hestiviken” and “Kristin Lavransdatter” are tales of people whose lives go off the rails over and over. The most humourless, least happy books ever written.
32

PZ Myers

6 May 2012 at 11:11 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Ya, it’s a Norwegian thing.
33

Didaktylos

6 May 2012 at 11:11 am (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Time to update the infamous joke:

“Balls!” said the nun, “If I had them I could be Pope.”

“Nuts!” said the bishop, “I’ve got them and I’m not Pope yet.”

“Crap!” said the Pope, and all over the Vatican the priests dropped their trousers and squatted …
34

David Marjanović

6 May 2012 at 2:34 pm (UTC -5) Link to this comment

Will it go “wang, wang!” like a lightsaber does?

Day saved.

Does anyone make bright red disposable latex gloves? Is there a factory in Italy that does a special production run for every papal election?

I don’t want to know.