Feb 03 2012

Friday Cephalopod: Feasibility trial successful

Next step: lasers mounted on squid mantles.

You puny humans are so screwed.

(Also on Sb)


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  1. 1

    Not o fast. I see the tether and the et suited monster in back of the poor guy who has been obviously enslaved for some nefarious purpose. Towing a water skier? Or a bag of cocaine?

    Treating the humble Humboldt that way will get a minimum of two eons in purgatory.

  2. 2
    The Lorax

    The scary thing is, cephalopods have incredibly articulate use of their limbs, and some have been known to manipulate their environment (I saw one that carried around a coconut half to hide under). Using tools was a huge leap in human development; it’s not much of a stretch to see these creatures make the same leap.

  3. 3

    Damn. I thought I was doing ok with a pen–mightier than a sword, after all–and then these Humboldts upgrade to lasers?

    You thought an arms race was bad with a species that had only *two* arms…

  4. 4
    Bronze Dog

    If I were one of the people designing such accessories I’d certainly be worried about the cephalopods removing them, given their dexterity.

    Of course, given some of the clever tricks I’ve seen on nature shows, providing them with enough technology might encourage them to reverse engineer it.

    Also, putting aside those concerns, giving a squid a camera might be risky in itself. Squid swims down into R’leyh, and suddenly you’ve got a bunch of metamorphosing marine biologists shouting “Ia, ia!” all day.

  5. 5
    Glen Davidson

    Yeah right, that’s just a prosthetic for a squid that lost its normal laser weapon capabilities.

    Glen Davidson

  6. 6
    A. R

    Yes! Frikin squid with frikin lasers on their frikin heads! So much better than the Selachimorph variant.

  7. 7


    I read that as: “Next step: lasers mounted on squid manatees.”

  8. 8
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    The Lorax

    They can figure out, in fairly short order, how to unscrew the lid of a jar. Which is pretty weird, really. They can also navigate complicated mazes and remember them.

    It’s probably good for primates that there is no effective way to use fire under water.

  9. 9

    Squids with lasers? Lets just hand ‘em reverse scuba suits while we’re at it and start running for our lives right now.

  10. 10
    Anthony K

    Great. Clothe squid and teach them to be ashamed of their nakedness. We just won’t be happy until body dysmorphic disorder affects members of all species, will we?

  11. 11

    We are so lucky that underwater lasers have an effective range of zero feet and zero inches :-)

  12. 12
    Anthony K

    We are so lucky that underwater lasers have an effective range of zero feet and zero inches :-)

    Yes! As long as we stay in the water, those aquatic beasties won’t have the advantage over us!

    [Tries to *facepalm* underwater to limited effect.]

  13. 13

    Calamaro that will cook itself- I can hardly wait!!!

  14. 14


    Call me when they discover fire.

  15. 15
    Anthony K

    Call me when they discover fire.

    Because of course their path towards world domination will exactly mirror ours.

    [Nonchalantly leaves copy of SJG's Wonderful Life in prominent location and leaves, whistling.]

  16. 16
    M can help you with that.

    And remember — these are Humboldt squid. If they see that you have something they want (video camera, watch, etc.) they will mug you and take it.

    And we’ve just upgraded their capabilities.

  17. 17

    Er…my tinfoil suit will protect me, right? Right?

  18. 18
    Anthony K

    Er…my tinfoil suit will protect me, right? Right?

    We need a mole—someone who can steer their scientists away from microwave oven research and into metal amalgam beak fillings.

  19. 19
    Rip Steakface

    So, how long til we have squid with frickin’ laser beams attached to their mantles again?

  20. 20
    CompulsoryAccount7746, Sky Captain

    Shouldn’t that camera be pointed the other way for jetting, or mounted underneath for tentacle activity?

  21. 21

    I fear this squid vs shark arms race will lead to nowhere good.

  22. 22

    Treating the humble Humboldt that way will get a minimum of two eons in purgatory.

    Not a chance. The Humboldts will rip you into quivering chunks in retaliation long before two eons have passed.

    Yeah, let’s experiment with them squids! And let’s start with the gregarious, ravenous, pack-hunting, chordate-shredding Humboldts first! What could go wrong?

    Mesonychoteuthis might well be the only worse first choice….

  23. 23

    As cute as missile toting cephalopods might be. This should get you scared. Very, very scared.

  24. 24

    Lasers! all I asked for was some frikkin cephalopods with some frikkin lasers! is that too much to ask?!

  25. 25
    StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return!

    What the .. !?

    Classic photo, cheers!

  26. 26
    Chris Booth

    The latest for squid who’se au current:
    A vest with a laser deterrent;
         When a fisherman comes,
         With his lines and his plumbs…
    Ka-ZAP! They were there–then they weren’t!

  27. 27
    Chris Booth

    Ooof. I just saw an embarrassing typo. “who’re” (or “who’s”) not…the shameful thing above. [/sheepfaced]

  28. 28

    Does this polkadot monokini make me look fat?

  29. 29

    Brownian says:

    Because of course their path towards world domination will exactly mirror ours.

    Well, History has shown the primitive simians living on land are deadly afraid of fire, so knowing how to work that stuff will do a lot towards making those submit to the new cephalopod rule.

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