Sir, Put The Souvenir Down And Walk Away


The war against terror and the war against christmas have opened a continuous front; the TSA is warning the flying public that they must not bring their snow globes with them, or they’ll be confiscated.

Snow globes.

Just in case, I suppose, the clear liquid is nitroglycerin.

I suspect the TSA hires grade schoolers, and asks them to come up with the coolest ways you could sneak explosives onto planes, then uses that feedback to generate policy. But this latest restriction pits Fox News against themselves–how do you support “all fear, all the time” if you are against the war on christmas?

Verse after the jump:

I was heading on vacation
And I needed transportation
From location to location
So thought I’d hop a plane
But the flying population
Has a modern obligation
Borne of fear and desperation
Though it goes against our grain

At the port of embarkation
There’s increased investigation
(With attendant irritation)
For our safety, so they say—
Using X-ray radiation
In a new configuration
To assist examination
And to get us on our way

But it takes coordination
To avoid some aberration
And despite their dedication
Somehow, problems will arise
Something odd in presentation,
Maybe dithered pixilation,
Or a plain disinclination
To have X-rays near one’s thighs

With the slightest instigation,
Like an awkward hesitation
(or mid-eastern pigmentation),
You’ll get pulled behind the rope
Where to hell with moderation
Or the flyer’s protestation—
Though it’s not quite penetration
It’s a very thorough grope

Is it merely exploitation
Of a country’s trepidation?
Is our self-determination
Just a fad that’s now reversed?
After some deliberation
I’ve got just one stipulation:
I won’t stand for molestation
‘less you buy me dinner first

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