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Aug 01 2012

In which my ladybits further destroy religion

First it was my boobs. Now it’s my ovaries:

Pennsylvania Rep. Mike Kelly (R), an ardent opponent of abortion rights, said that today’s date would live in infamy alongside those two other historic occasions. Wednesday marked the day on which a controversial new requirement by the Department of Health and Human Services, which requires health insurance companies to cover contraceptive services for women, goes into effect.

“I know in your mind you can think of times when America was attacked. One is December 7th, that’s Pearl Harbor day.  The other is September 11th, and that’s the day of the terrorist attack,” Kelly said at a press conference on Capitol Hill. “I want you to remember August the 1st, 2012, the attack on our religious freedom. That is a day that will live in infamy, along with those other dates.”

It makes perfect sense. When I save that $350 a year on my Nuvaring and other feminine checkups, that’s $350 extra dollars I can spend on other religion-destroying activities!

  • Flight to Skepticon 5 – $250
  • Eating lunch somewhere other than Chick-Fil-A – $10
  • New child-corrupting video game – $40
  • Buying a new cleavage-showing shirt – $20
  • Cover for my favorite gay bar – $10
  • Satan juice, aka “alcohol” – $20
  • Pissing off the religious right – Priceless

Yeah, I’d say all of that is equivalent to thousands of people dying.

47 comments

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  1. 1
    MichaelD

    Maybe religionists could make some sort of sacrifice to the ladybits to avoid their wrath in the coming year?

  2. 2
    MNb0

    I missed you – because of articles like this.

  3. 3
    One Furious Llama

    Yay for religion destroying dollars and free contraceptives!

  4. 4
    ambassadorfromverdammt

    That is so unfair. When do my manlybits get to attack religion, I ask you. Boobs get to cause earthquakes, but my danglies don’t even get to cause a simple sunburn. Nada. Nothing.

    I’ll bet those religionists haven’t even heard of semniferous tubules.

    Equal opportunity, I say, equal opportunity!

  5. 5
    Alyson Miers

    I think I’ll have to wait until January to get my Nuvaring copay-free, but when I do, I’ll save $600 a year!

    It’s so nice to see you posting again, Jen!

  6. 6
    Sam

    Manly bits only get to cause natural disasters if they combine their powers. The balls have to touch for a natural disaster to occur, but when they do fire rains down from the sky (c.f. soddom & gomorrah).

    Dongs are like the equivalent of Captain Planet’s Planeteers’ rings. Tits and pussy are more like… I dunno… Superman and The Flash; they’re pretty capable on their own.

  7. 7
    Sili

    To be fair, that’s $350 times 150 million women.

    I’m sure boner pills aren’t nearly as expensive.

  8. 8
    Jen

    You have won Comment of the Year.

  9. 9
    smhll

    Buying a new cleavage-showing shirt – $20

    Now, if you went to the Maker Fair, you could obtain assistance in hacking your shirt for free. (In a creative and consensual way.)

    This frees up $20 for further merry mayhem.

  10. 10
    @weezmgk

    You can’t drive a car because the Amish can’t. Stop attacking their religious freedom by driving cars!

  11. 11
    hyperdeath

    $350 a year on my Nuvaring

    Isn’t that a German racing circuit?

  12. 12
    Inspector Spacetime

    Man, I remember when the Japanese dropped millions of diaphragms on Pearl Harbor, thus leading to the healthy, sexy Hawaiian lifestyle that destroyed America’s determination.

    Wait, that’s not what happened?

  13. 13
    Sam

    Cool. If you do a post at the end of December looking back on 2012, be sure to give me a mention.

    “Wow, what a whacky year. Scientists discovered the ever-elusive Higgs Boson, contraceptives were made available on health insurance policies in the US, and to top it all, an anonymous loser on the internet compared my vagina to Superman.”

  14. 14
    Erülóra Maikalambe

    So straight manly bits are like Aquaman. Powerless.

  15. 15
    Blondin

    I have no threatening anatomy what so ever. I feel so… inadequate.

  16. 16
    Robert (SeraphymC)

    So we need an immediate crusade to save all the “babies” who are being “sacrificed” in planned parenthood clinics around the country, because that’s what god wants, but covering contraception for everyone which will absolutely reduce unwanted pregnancies and abortions is an attack on religious freedom, and must be opposed by these same crusaders?

    Oh, I forgot, anti-abortionists aren’t concerned with saving babies, they are concerned with punishing women’s sexuality.

  17. 17
    Sam

    Batman. Generally powerless, but with proper planning and preperation they can achieve small-scale successes at a strictly local level (male streakers, for instance). For some reason, they are given way more press and popularity than they really deserve.

    Aquaman had a strong environmental message that no one really listens to. He’s the unshaven armpit of superheros.

  18. 18
    Erülóra Maikalambe

    That works. And it saves me trying to come up with a “seaman” joke.

  19. 19
    Beth

    You know what’s way more expensive than $350? Babies. I think most insurance companies are delighted to pay that small fee, even across millions of women, to avoid having to pay tens of thousands of dollars for a pregnancy. It’s just the fundies that don’t approve.

  20. 20
    Inspector Spacetime

    As long as you’ve got a butt, you can put the fear of catastrophic civilization failure into at least one style of conservative.

  21. 21
    smrnda

    A person’s access to contraception shouldn’t be held hostage to the religious beliefs of their employer. Religious liberty does not mean my Hindu vegetarian boss can pay me in gift certificates to stores that do not sell meat so that he won’t be ‘complicit’ in committing an evil act by buying a steak.

    On cost, contraception is a lot less expensive than many other things, and it’s a lot less expensive than pregnancy and babies.

  22. 22
    coyotenose

    “A” new cleavage-showing shirt?

    So unambitious. Lazy atheists. :P

  23. 23
    Erin Winslow

    Gaye Adegbalola Solo : Big Ovaries, Baby!
    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8gPxCwoNUwU

    This song cheers me immensely! Especially if followed by Saffire: Silver Beaver

  24. 24
    jaranath

    What game?

  25. 25
    Dr. Moonbeam

    And you know, each and every one of those expenditures is a boost to the consumer economy. I really don’t see why the objection.

  26. 26
    T

    Wooooo! Congratulations to you and your lady bits on your destruction of religion and bargain contraceptives!

  27. 27
    Buffy

    I imagine people suffering real religious persecution are shaking their heads at these buffoons and wishing this was the worst they had to deal with.

  28. 28
    F [i'm not here, i'm gone]

    As always, they keep forgetting all the occasions (i.e., most of them) when America attacked, unprovoked. Like America attacks women, as well, for purposes of domination.

  29. 29
    Bill Door

    There is nothing more threatening than a human brain.

  30. 30
    jonathanray

    coming from the west coast, $250 seems a bit optimistic.

  31. 31
    sambarge

    Are straight manly bits as rich as Batman and as handsome as Christian Bale?

  32. 32
    vel

    Senator Inouye has a good response to this hateful asshole: http://www.inouye.senate.gov/news/press-releases/statement-by-senator-inouye

  33. 33
    vel

    nice analogy.

  34. 34
    sambarge

    I don’t know how anyone can keep a straight face while railing against birth control. They do realize that the vast majority of people in North America regularly use birth control, right? I mean, our birth rate isn’t this low by nature.

    Fucking hell, everyone in the room when that ass-whipe was speaking had probably used birth control in their lives (including the ass-whipe). I have. For fucking years (or years of fucking, if you will). I don’t want lots of babies. I take very good care of the baby I had but I don’t want tons of them. And, unless they’re a Quiverfull nut, neither does anyone else.

    Why is that position an attack on anyone’s religious freedom? Why wouldn’t your health insurance cover your prescription birth control? It’s a prescription! It’s one of the basic reasons you have health insurance; to pay for prescriptions (atleast in Canada, where our satanic taxes pay for the actual health care).

    Are eye-glasses an attack on religion too? How about dental hygiene visits? Because I use my insurance for these things too and I want to know if I’m supporting Satan with my Lady-Shortsighted-Eyes and Lady-Teeth.

  35. 35
    Tom Singer

    A better analogy would be, stop taxing the Amish and using the money to pay for cars for the police force. But even then, it’s not a great analogy, because the Amish don’t have a religious objection to cars, as I understand it. It’s more of a social objection – that cars and other technology would make people less dependent on their community.

  36. 36
    Corvus illustris

    The analogous fact that has been beaten to death over the years, but is still right on target, is that the Friends, the Amish, the Mennonites and all the other “peace denominations” are taxed to feed the war machine.

  37. 37
    Corvus illustris

    Yeah, my ancestors emigrated from Kreis Adenau because of it–religious persecution, you know.

  38. 38
    Corvus illustris

    The elephant in the room that the RC bishops (among others) and the Repubs hope nobody notices is the principle of chattel servitude. The employer doesn’t merely contract for your services: if you have a job, you are property. The employer can determine what medical treatment you are allowed to have, how much weight you can put on, whether you can smoke (anything)–and women have been fired for getting pregnant since women began to work “outside the home”. The religious stuff is a distraction. The US has really never given up on slavery and involuntary servitude, and the “Abrahamic” religions are fine with that.

  39. 39
    Tom Singer

    Well, I was trying to keep the car in the analogy, to make the point about the social vs religions objection.

    But ultimately, even yours isn’t a great analogy, because as I understand it, a Catholic business owner could simply not offer insurance coverage to his or her employees at all, but the Amish can’t get out of paying taxes. I’m not 100% sure on not being required to offer insurance, however.

  40. 40
    Corvus illustris

    From Wikipedia: “Firms employing 50 or more people but not offering health insurance will also pay a shared responsibility requirement if the government has had to subsidize an employee’s health care.” So it appears that if you don’t provide insurance, it’ll eventually cost ya. In vies of the inevitable court cases, it’s premature to say how this will all turn out.

  41. 41
    PatrickG

    The title of this post literally makes me visualize your ovaries sneaking out at night to write snarky one-liners on churches. It’s a weird image.

    Especially the crawling back in part…

  42. 42
    L.Long

    Yes there is….the lack of one or at least refusing to use one properly. Nothing says terror like outright delusional stupidity!!!

  43. 43
    Tom Singer

    Thanks, I hadn’t seen that. Is that entirely new, or was some version of that in place previously?

  44. 44
    dar

    The place where I work* is currently suing the feds over this. I’m still not sure if my insurance covers birth control right now or not.

    *My salary AND my insurance is paid out of a grant, so my “employer” doesn’t actually do anything but manage someone else’s money to pay me…but still thinks they can deny me my right to choose.

  45. 45
    Salmo

    Male bits are like Aquaman. OUTRAGEOUS!

  46. 46
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    How about dental hygiene visits?

    [Insert toothless hick joke here]

  47. 47
    baal

    what what?

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