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Oct 25 2010

Win a free copy of The Atheist's Guide to Christmas!

Usually I have a rule about No Christmas Stuff Before Thanksgiving, but I’m breaking it for this special occasion – the American edition of The Atheist’s Guide to Christmas is coming out next Tuesday, on November 2nd! It’s not just any godless book; I’m one of the 42* contributors! There will be a (hopefully) humorous chapter by yours truly called “Gifts for the Godless.” This is my first time having a creative piece published, so needless to say, I’m super exited. Not only will I be alongside people I look up to like Richard Dawkins, Phil Plait, and Simon Singh, but it’s for a good cause – all author advances and royalties go to the Terrence Higgins Trust.

November 2nd also happens to be my 23rd birthday. Since I can think of no better present for myself, how about I give a present to you? …And by that I mean “My editor is hooking me up with a couple free copies to give away at my discretion, how about I distribute them in a fun way?”

So, time for a contest!

Write new lyrics for an old Christmas carol that have a godless or scientific theme.

Rules:

  1. Post your entries in the comments. If you’re one of those people who’s still having trouble commenting, feel free to email your entry to me.
  2. Make sure to include an email address when you log in or in the body of your post. If you win, I need to contact you about a mailing address.
  3. Arbitrary bonus points will be awarded for things like humor, Blag Hag inside jokes, and singing your song or making a video.
  4. And really, my rules are lax – if you want to remake a famous Christmas-themed story or poem, or do godless lyrics for the dreidel song, I don’t care. Really, just make something in the spirit of the contest that you think I’d like, since I get to pick the winners.

Entries are due Monday, Nov 1st at 5pm PST. I’ll announce the winners the morning of the 2nd!

And remember, the American edition is different than the version that came out in the UK last year. There are a bunch of new authors, like me. So even if you have that version, you may want to check out the new one!

*Yes, that choice of number is intentional. Don’t you want to win it even more?

67 comments

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  1. 1
    Fiona

    I just preordered the paperback from book depository :D should get to me out here in OZ mid Nov :)

  2. 2
    LarianLeQuella

    Um, okay. I am actually poor on wit and humour as a rule, unless I find myself truly inspired, but then it tends to get raunchy and well, we really don’t want to go there. I think I am logged in on my facebook profile. I suppose I can leave my email here, because I would sincerely like to win that book. I have a crush of various sorts on so many of the contributors to that book… Not in a creepy way, I swear! That restraining order Dr. Plait has against me is a big misunderstanding, I swear![email protected] see you have a surly! I have one too, for Granite State Skeptics!

  3. 3
    Fullphaser

    I love free things: Dashing through the hedgerow, On a one horsepower under fueled planeThrough the research we goDrinking all the way-Glug Glug Glug-Bells in churches ringgiving me reason to spiteoh what fun it is to experiment on blingA drinking game tonightChorus Doing Science, Doing Science Science All the wayOh what fun it is to writeBiology articles while also being gay Science Rules, Science RulesScience all the wayOh the joys of being rational While also not hating the gayyeah, I’m terrible at this >.> I’ll sing it later.

  4. 4
    reilly

    I am declaring myself the winner of this contest because Nov. 2 is my b-day. Happy b-bay to me. Thank you for the book. That was very thoughtful of you.

  5. 5
    Natasha Turnbull

    OK I can only do a quick job because it’s exams for me atm. I’m from NZ so I understand if I am not eligible for the contest. I just love the idea and want to participate.The 12 days of FSMas(last verse only to save time)On the 12th day of FSMas my true love gave to me,12 Hitchens’ growling11 Dawkins’ smiling10 Sagans’ singing9 Proofs from Hawking8 Myers’ snarking7 Twains’ a-mocking6 Carlins’ swearing5 POSTS BY JEN4 Douglas Adams’3 Steinems’2 Asimovsand Sam Harris on morality!Sorry if I got the apostrophes in the wrong place everyone!

  6. 6
    Hipopotamo

    Argh! THE atheist book of the year and I didn’t find out before so I could submit my mental ruminations? Imagine that, the leap from publishing short stories with a (vastely unknown) small editorial to the possibility of publishing a clever Xmas piece with a (mostly unknown) stablished editorial in the best company ever!He, he, seriously, congrats on your achievement Jen.The hippo.(Now, let’s see if I can re-do a Xmas song before the deadline)

  7. 7
    Sagan J Massey

    Hey Jen, I like Natasha Turnbull’s because she uses my name! lol.. and they are all singing, too. epic win.

  8. 8
    Polyergic

    Congrats! And, wow, I’ll be turning 33 this November 2nd – Happy Birthday!

  9. 9
    Quester

    To the tune of “Silver Bells”:Get yourself some ferrous metals-nickel, iron, cobalt, steel,-each of theseare attractedto magnets.They have north polesand have south poles.Opposite poles attract.But can anyone tell me how magnets work?Miracles. Miracles?That might satisfy a clown posse.Hypothesize. Experiment.Maybe we’ll find out the truth!Running currentthrough a wirecreates a magnetic fieldso this may involvemoving electrons.The Ampere modelof the magnetpresumes circular bound currents,but who even knows whatthat means?Miracles. Miracles.These mark the place we have stopped thinking.Magnetic force? Magnetic fields?Reality can blow us away!

  10. 10
    Ashley F. Miller

    I’ll let you know if I come up with anything more brilliant than my two favorite Christmas songs:http://www.youtube.com/watch?vhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v

  11. 11
    Quester

    Do you allow multiple entries by the same person?

  12. 12
    Jen

    Sure!

  13. 13
    Grumble F Kitty

    Ok, well, I don’t know if this is what you had in mind, but I’m gonna submit it anyway, in case it makes someone laugh. I have “We Wish You a Merry Christmas” stuck in my head nearly year round anyway, so I re-wrote it to sing to my chitlin when he was a baby. Here are my lyrics:We wish you happy sleeping.We wish you happy sleeping.We wish you happy sleeping and lots of good dreams.Good sleeping for you, and all of your kin (very important bit!)-Good sleeping for Quinnie, and lots of good dreams!

  14. 14
    Quester

    Rudolph’s new lyrics:There’s Mercury, Saturn,Neptune and Venus,Jupiter, Earth,Mars and Uranus,but someone has morphedour ninth planet into a dwarf.Pluto’s a minor planetaccording to the IAU.Better not criticize them,or they will redefine you, too.Eris may be more massiveand Ceres trying to competebut now that we’ve demoted Plutoour solar system’s incomplete.From 1930 to 2006Pluto was planet ninebut a recalculation of it’s massput it’s status in decline.Still, Pluto is specialMaybe soon IAU’ll agreeTo re-redefine the moon Charonand Pluto as a binary!

  15. 15
    Anna Jobsis

    The Pope’s Song (aka The Christmas Song: Chestnuts roasting on an open fire)Atheists roasting in an open fire,John the Baptist nibbling on their toes,Suicidal songs being sung by the pyre,And folks messed up like Edgar Allan Poe.Everybody knows: a perky and blissful minor,Helps to make the lesson alright.Tiny tots with their arses all aglow,Will find it hard to sleep tonight.They know that the Pope’s on his way;He’s loaded with lots of toys and goodies for his lay.And every other child is going to spy,To see if one beer really does lead you awry.And so I’m offering this simple phrase,To kids from one to ninety-two,Although it’s been done many times, many ways,A very barely-teen arse for you!

  16. 16
  17. 17
    Quester

    I’m having too much fun with this. Oh well. Here’s my remake of Santa Claus coming to town:”You better watch outYou better beware,”Sedighi warns usall to take care,”women are immodestly dressed.””They corrupt chasity,lead young men astray,the power of their cleavage causes moral decay.Women are immodestly dressed.”Can miniskirts cause earthquakesas Sedighi insists?Let’s put this thory to the test!What scientist could resist?So, pull on short shorts,or something tight-fit,choose your best weaponsand laugh for a bit.Maybe we can cause a boobquake!

  18. 18
    Caiti

    O come, all ye godlessjoyful and free-thinkingO come ye, o come ye to the internetcome and behold itglobal information exchangeo come let us discover ito come let us debate ito come let us learn it, scientific method!

  19. 19
    MarcusBailius

    And, why not?I’m a bit of a fan of Ariane Sherine (editor of the book), and she did put a very nice comment in my copy (of the British edition, last year).

  20. 20
    Marcusbailius

    I have no idea why the date and time of the post have come up in Cyrillic… This is the UK where I’m typing!

  21. 21
    dk

    Miracles! Gotta love…or something… the ICP. ;)

  22. 22
    Yellow Hatguy

    Anything can be made godless with enough members of Black Sabbath:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v

  23. 23
    TGIAA

    I vote for caiti

  24. 24
    Greg23

    Aren’t there some book copies coming to those people who donated to your T.A.M. fund?

  25. 25
    J. Mark

    JINGLE BELLS–THERE’S NO HELL–IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEADOH WHAT FUN IT IS TEACH–CREATIONISM ED.OH, JINGLE BELLS–THERE’S NO HELL–IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEADOH WHAT FUN IT IS TEACH–CREATIONISM ED.DASHING THROUGH THE FACTS–LOGIC FULL OF CRACKSIT MIGHT SOUND ODD–BUT THERE’S NOT GOD–BUT THAT’S THE WAY IT ISOH…

  26. 26
    Jen

    Yes! They should be getting an email from me in the next couple of days – thank you for bringing this up.

  27. 27
    Chabneruk

    Aaaand here comes the German competitor again, hoping to sway the atheist heart of good ol’ Jen with a new interpretation of… I think I will let you guess O:-)*cue music*”On the first day a big mess exploded loud and free – remember the Big Bang Theory.On the second day the suns and the planets came to be. No lifeforms yet,but remember the Big Bang Theory.On the third day volcanoes erupted ceaselessly. ‘Twas pretty hot, no lifeforms yet, but remember the Big Bang Theory.On the fourth day the landmasses grew above the sea. No God involved, still pretty hot, no lifeforms yet, but remember the Big Bang Theory.On the fifth day the first cells swam around with glee. Naaaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are there, but remember the Big Bang Theory.On the sixth day there’s backbones and eyes for all to see. Pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are glad, but remember the Big Bang Theory.On the seventh day some lifeforms came ashore to pee. They had legs a-running, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather now fine, lifeforms are glad, but remember the Big Bang Theory.On the eight day the lizards ruled the land and sea. Introduce extinction, legs a-running no help, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather rather cold, lifeforms are few, but remember the Big Bang Theory.On the ninth day some pre-apes decided to stand free. Soon they were dancing, around camp fires, with legs a-running, pretty cool stuff, Naaature is hot! No God involved, weather still cold, lifeforms have fun, but remember the Big Bang Theory.On the tenth day the first priest invented idiocy. Gods everywhere now, they want us dancing, with legs a-hurting, oh, what a shame – aaall without proof! Gods getting pop’lar, weather now warm, lifeforms do pray, no one knows the Big Bang Theory.On the eleventh day the churches controlled the minds unfree. Just one God, which one is right, they want crusaders, with swords a-slinging, oh, what a shame – aaall without proof! Monotheism, weather quite dark, lifeforms do pray, no one knows the Big Bang Theory.*pitch upwards*On the twelfth day the clever ones finally broke free! No more Gods, but atheism, science is right, tell the believers: “No swords a-slinging, no holy war, Naaature is hot!” Jen writes her blog, weather is sunny, lifeforms shall think and we all love the Big Bang Theoryyyyyy!”*bows*

  28. 28
    J. Mark

    JINGLE HELLS…JINGLE BELLS–THERE’S NO HELL–IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEADOH WHAT FUN IT IS TEACH–CREATIONISM ED.OH, JINGLE BELLS–RELIGION’S SWELL–CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M DEADOH WHAT FUN IT IS TO VOTE–IN STATES THAT ARE ALL RED.DASHING THROUGH THE FACTS–HATING DARWIN’S WAYLOGIC FULL OF CRACKS–PET DINOSAURS TODAYBELLS PALSY AIN’T NO FUN–SO JUST PRAY TO “HIS” SONIT MIGHT SOUND ODD–BUT THERE’S NOT GOD–AND THAT’S THE WAY IT ISOH….

  29. 29
    Chabneruk

    Oh and filzlaus85(at)web(dot)de

  30. 30
    J. Mark

    JINGLE HELLS…JINGLE BELLS–THERE’S NO HELL–IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEADOH WHAT FUN IT IS TEACH–CREATIONISM ED.OH, JINGLE BELLS–RELIGION’S SWELL–CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M DEADOH WHAT FUN IT IS TO VOTE–IN STATES THAT ARE ALL RED.DASHING THROUGH THE FACTS–HATING DARWIN’S WAYLOGIC FULL OF CRACKS–PET DINOSAURS TODAYBELLS PALSY AIN’T NO FUN–SO JUST PRAY TO “HIS” SONIT MIGHT SOUND ODD–BUT THERE’S NO GOD–AND THAT’S THE WAY IT ISOH….

  31. 31
    J. Mark

    Okay…I admit I’m pandering here… White (Kangaroo Rat) ChristmasI’m dreaming of mitochondrial DNA in kangaroo ratsWith every sequence that I writeNow the students listenand organs glistenWhile I probe–their sweet little insides…I’m dreaming of mitochondrial DNA in kangaroo ratsWith every paper I submitAnd it’s time that you religious extremists admit…Creationism’s…just…a..myth….

  32. 32
    Hkdharmon

    Oh Holy Crap (sung to the tune of Oh Holy Night)Oh Holy CrapLet’s be the voice of reasonlet’s take our time and examine all the factsThere was no needto travel to your birthplacejust to pay off the greedy roman taxMake it all upThe people will not questionwhat you say if you stretch them on the rackThey took the partsof other myths and legendsto create what oppress-ed people readLots of other godswere born of a virginand later die just to resurrect at needMake it all upthe people will not questionget them young and control all that they read

  33. 33
    LS

    …why does Amazon say that this book was written by Stephanie Meyers? O.oZOMGJEN, IS STEPHANIE MEYERS YOUR PEN NAME!? >.>

  34. 34
    the_Siliconopolitan

    Why try? Cuttlefish’ll win.

  35. 35
    Fredjs73

    I know this is lame and it’s a little pervy, so all due respect intended before you read this…I really want to win. Cheers. ;)T’was the night before Christmas and all through the flatNot a Guinness was pouring, from neither bottle nor vat.The stockings were hung by the bedpost with careWhile the fresh scent of Astroglide hung through the air.The heathens were nestled all snug on the floorWhile visions of Jager Bombs tormented them more.Sweet Blag Hag in her blanky and I in the buffHad just finished up from some lovin’ ‘n’ stuff.When out on the street there arose such a clatterI tripped o’er my cockring to see what was the matter.Away to the door with my hands on my junkFor to not shock my old neighbor, Miss Gwendoline Funk!I tore open the door and felt chills in me nutsWithout care, without worry for appearing a klutz.When, what to my unsober eyes should appear,But an ol’ rusted nineteen-ninety-nine blue Cavalier!With a little old driver, so lively and wired,I knew it a moment – it’s ol’ PZ Myers!More rapid than vertebrates, his coursers they cameThrough his full and grey beard he did call them by name.”Now, Sepia, Architeuthis, Cuttlebone and Radula!On Nautilus, Onykia, and smug Argonauta!Go up to the porch to that uncircumsised guy!”And once they had done so, what did I espy?A bottomless case of both beer and vermuthWhat treasure, what wonder and what generous couth!Said PZ “Now, sir, you must tend back to JenFor methinks she is waiting for some lovin’ again!I reached in the case but more than beverage I sawT’was a coupon for pizza, poutine and cole slaw!I thanked him and smiled, both some horny and famishedWhen PZ he pointed, “To thy bed ye be banished!”Away he then flew with his wet, squishy crewInto the cold night back to blog and review.But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight:”Happy Christmas, now back to pleasure Ms. Jen McCreight!

  36. 36
  37. 37
    Elizabeth Anne

    p.s. I am pretty sure that my voice teacher will kill me for sounding terrible.p.p.s. Here are the lyrics:Unholy night,Your eyes are softly shiningOr maybe it is just the rum in my cupMy cheeks are flushedBecause I know what’s coming-And if I’m right, then that “what” will be meA thrill of hope, My body soon rejoicesFor it has been a whole week since I copulatedI fall on my knees- I hear your strained voice, saying-”Oh night divine! Oh night, O ElberethOh night divine, oh wait- oh it’s too late.”

  38. 38
    Natasha Turnbull

    Just, awesome.

  39. 39
    Roxanne Rosas

    Twas the last night of Christmas – by Roxanne RosasTwas the night before Christmas, and all through the churchNot a parishioner was kneeling, not even a lurch.The bibles were opened, but not for a prayerit seems that the savior, would never be there.The priests seemed confounded, and quite rightly soit appeared that the masses, all wanted to go.The damage was done, a bomb had just droppedquestions now answered, and could not be stopped.It seemed like they appeared, from out of no whereHitchens and Harris, made quite the pair.They argued and stomped, up to the altar,no one could stop them, they never would falter.Evolution not Genesis, the facts seemed to speakevery ear was tuned in, and eager to seek.Hitchens drank on, while Harris taught morals.it went on like this, they spoke like the royals.Slowly but surely, the masses recededleaving their faiths, never to be repeated.And as the two horsemen drove out of sight,they shouted Happy Winter Soltice, and too all a good life.

  40. 40
    Katy

    I saw Bobby kissing Father JonesInside the confessional last nightThey didn’t see me creepThrough the pews to have a peepThey thought I was tucked in And Father Johnson was balls deepThen I saw Bobby blowing Father JonesNow I know why he has those herpes soresWhat a laugh it would have beenIf there were a god to see and judgePriests that treat their altar boys like whores!

  41. 41
    JM

    This isn’t a contest submission. A few years ago I realized that this carol doesn’t actually mention anything about Christianity! I wonder if there are other traditional carols like that. Also, it seems that “carol” was originally a dance, but the church frowned on dancing, words were added, and the dancing ceased.—-”Deck the Halls” Deck the halls with boughs of holly, Fa la la la la, la la la la. ‘Tis the season to be jolly, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Don we now our gay apparel, Fa la la, la la la, la la la. Troll the ancient Yule tide carol, Fa la la la la, la la la la. See the blazing Yule before us, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Strike the harp and join the chorus. Fa la la la la, la la la la. Follow me in merry measure, Fa la la, la la la, la la la. While I tell of Yule tide treasure, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Fast away the old year passes, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Hail the new, ye lads and lasses, Fa la la la la, la la la la. Sing we joyous, all together, Fa la la, la la la, la la la. Heedless of the wind and weather, Fra la la la la, la la la la.

  42. 42
    JM

    You’ve gotta *name* it! This is great!

  43. 43
    Derek

    Tim Minchin – White Wine in the SunA bit Australian for my latitude but the best Christmas song I’ve ever heard.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v

  44. 44
    Chabneruk

    Mhhh… What about “The twelve (metaphorical) days of atheismas”? ;)

  45. 45
    Rhb

    Not quite what you asked for (but then when does one ever get that?)Here is a well researched essay on the evils of Xmas Carols(link, wiv musik an pikturs an evyting: http://howlandbolton.com/essay…“Here we come a bovver boy among the leaves so green”An’ here we come wiv aggro to kick you in the spleen.”Lot’s of ale unto us, you must give or we will cuss,”An’ we’ll thump you and slag you off with words that are obscene,”An’ we’ll shout things that a-are quite obscene.” ["Put the boot in, Trevor"]After the mass murder of trees, the most horrible activity of the month of Christmas must undoubtedly be the the sinning of Carols. This ancient malpractice is one of the few truly and entirely naughty behaviours bequeathed to us by the Middle Ages, and the only good and healthy thing that can be said about it now-a-days is, that it is at last restricted almost entirely to the month of Christmas, whereas in the past it was indulged in at any time of year, and whenever people felt like being debauched, drunken or violent.Let me give you a brief unbiased history of the vice and let you judge for yourself.Somewhere… somewhere in the dim and misty past, rank with legend and supposition and superstition, someone somewhere, like Cologne or the west of England or (Saints preserve us) France, invented a ring dance, or carol, and immediately proceeded to perform it with some friends and floozies and wild abandon, by bad judgment in a church yard, and by bad luck on a Sunday, and so, as the legend inevitably goes, for this sacrilege they were all turned to stone: the prevalence of stone circles in Northern Europe being an indication of the popularity of the practice and the inability of its practitioners to learn from the mistakes of others. And so since that time there has always been a tendency for carolers to be or to get stoned.From this low beginning, however, things then went down-hill for the carol. Even as early as the seventh century St Ouen was writing in his life of St Eligius about the “caraulas aut cantica diabolica” being “exerceat!” Oh my!But it’s not until the fourteenth century that things really hot up, when, for example, Chaucer thought that the most appropriate seduction song for his Miller’s tale was that favourite from the Oxford Book of Carols, Angelus ad Virginem. There it can be found keeping company with adultery and bottoms and flatulence and bottom branding and foolish hanging around in barrels, not of course in the Oxford Book of Carols; I mean in Chaucer.And then a bit later on Henry IV part three, or Henry V as we now call him, used to celebrate his bloodthirsty and flesh-toothsome habit of knocking the stuffing out of the Froggies by having his men sin carols about it all. These men, who were by all accounts (i.e. Shakespeare’s) the mediæval equivalents of our modern soccer hooligans, would charge about at full pelt, sinning the Agincourt Carol at full volume, full of lines like “The toun he took and made affray that Fraunce shall rue till Domesday”.And then again in 1656 Hezekiah Woodward complained about Christmas its Carols including in his diatribe such choice epithets as “the Profane man’s Ranting Day.”The carols of the eighteenth century have been described (in the aforementioned Oxford Book of Carols of all places) as “mere eating-songs about pork and pudding.” And finally look at today’s survivals. Take for example our opening number, or again just look at the Gloucestershire Wassail“Come Butler come fill us a bowl of the best,” (meaning ale)“Then we hope that your soul in heaven may rest;“But if you do draw us a bowl of the small, (meaning inferior ale)“Then to hell shall go butler bowl and all.”But all this begging with menaces and violence and greed is as nothing when compared to the absolute evil of the modern French Carol, inhabited as it is entirely by sickly little boys limping around and drumming pathetically, though really annoyingly, with whatever few limbs the cruel author of the carol as left them.So remember, all you mothers, weight-watchers and pacifists; I wouldn’t let my daughter, stomach or army go out a-carol sinning.

  46. 46
    Xorthon

    great start but no finish!!??

  47. 47
    UncountablyFinite

    Here’s my video entry. YouTube’s direct-from-webcam upload feature is apparently not able to sync the sound with the video. Sorry, I know it’s annoying but you may have to just listen and not watch. In fact, it will probably make me less self-conscious if you do.http://www.youtube.com/watch?v…(also, please forgive my thoroughly mediocre guitar playing and singing voice)LyricsCreationists shout.Fundamentalists cry.Accomodationists pout.I’m tellin’ you why.Atheists are coming to town.They don’t hide their views.They’ll say ‘em out loud!I’ve heard they may evenWrite them down.Atheists are coming to town.Without objective moralsThey don’t know what’s wrong or right.If God didn’t tell me not to killI’d murder everyone in sight.So, hide your children.Don’t send them to school.They’ll learn evolutionFrom those Godless fools!Atheists are coming to town.

  48. 48
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) Santa ClausYou’d better not curse, You’d better not bitch,You’d better not be a practicing witch!God is watching all that you do!He lives in the sky,And all of his life,He might have had a kid but he never had a wife.The bible is his message to you!He knows whether you’re keepingHis patriarchal laws.If you really believe in God, You believe in Santa Claus!Oh, he’ll answer your prayers,If you’re a good soul,The same as a letter to the North Pole,Presto, hocus pocus, VOODOO!

  49. 49
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) Solstice TreeOh solstice tree, oh solstice tree,Leftover ancient ritual,It seems to beThe masses re–spect it ‘cos it’s habitual.Oh what a joy to kill a tree,Expend much electricity,Eventually, the waste will be,Disposed of quite expediently.Oh solstice tree, what fun to seeYour pointless luminosity.Oh solstice tree, oh solstice tree,Environmental atrocity.

  50. 50
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) Violent War, Holy WarVi-olent war, Ho-oly war,Kill the rich,Kill the poor,Let us pray as we bloody our sword,This we do in the name of our Lord.We know we’re justifi-ied.We know that God’s on our side.Violent war, Ho-oly war,This is ourSacred chore,God has willed that forever we’ll beKilling all who with us disagree,Let the world see our mi-ight!We know that we’re in the right.Vi-olent war, Ho-oly war,His-to-ryFilled with gore.Bodies ma-aimed and death all around, Heathen corpses will litter the ground.See how many have di-ied!Ho-oly mass genocide.

  51. 51
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) The Flood Song (“God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen”)One day God got real angry and He said, “The world I’ll drown-For forty days and forty nights, I’ll make the rain come down. And this will wipe out every city, village, berg, and town, Oh,(Chorus 1) the entire world I will destroy,I will destroy,Oh, the entire world I will destroy.There was this guy named Noah and he was a special case.God said to him “I’ll show you and your family some grace,While I kill every other member of the human race, ‘Cos(Repeat Chorus1)God told him “Build an ark so you can save from their demiseThe animals I send you, when I open up the skies,Build it with the dimensions of about a mansion’s size,‘Cos(Repeat Chorus 1)Oh, every animal on Earth God sent to him by twos,Including but not limited to bees and kangaroos,And geckos, also poodles, wolves and cute little shih tzus,For(Chorus 2)The entire world He would destroyHe would destroyYes, the entire world He would destroy.Oh, every animal on earth God sent to him by twos,Except the ones that later would be edible to Jews,Of those to send in seven pairs of each Yahweh did choose,For(Repeat Chorus 2)Now twenty million species had to fill that little arkWhose floor was smaller than the size of Brooklyn’s Prospect Park,A population greater than the city of New York,For(Repeat Chorus 2)Among those animals there was a ram who lives today,I’ve seen him; he’s the biggest one to ever feed on hay,He lives in Darby and if you go down there you will -see the same as I!

  52. 52
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) Priests Who Play With Choirboys (“Angels We Have Heard On High”)Priests who play with choirboysTell them that they must stay dumbHoly are their private joysJust make sure the word is mum(Chorus 1) Ah-ah-ah…Ah-ah-ah… “This is how we serve Jesus…”Ah-ah-ah…“When nobody else sees us…”“If this is a holy act,Father why such secrecy?”“Shut your ugly little trap,Let me fondle your pee-pee.”(Repeat Chorus 1)“Father please don’t touch me thereI really don’t want you to!”“Jesus says that this is fair,I’ll do what I want to do!”(Repeat Chorus 1)“Father, let me leave right now,I think this is really sick!”“Shut your face you stupid cow,Get down there and suck my dick!”(Chorus 2)Ah-ah-ah…Ah-ah-ah… “I would not deceive you, boy!”Ah-ah-ah… “No one will believe you, boy!”

  53. 53
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) 12 Crazy StoriesBy the first crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeA talking snake and a magical tree.By the second crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeGod’s love of meat,A talking snake and a magical tree.By the third crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeMale and female geckos,God’s love of meat,A talking snake and a magical tree.By the fourth crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeA three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat,A talking snake and a magical tree.By the fifth crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeSanctioned human sacrifice,A three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat,A talking snake and a magical tree.By the sixth crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeA woman turned to salt, >Sanctioned human sacrifice,<A three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat, A talking snake and a magical tree.By the seventh crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeA talking burning bush, A woman turned to salt, >Sanctioned human sacrifice,<A three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat, A talking snake and a magical tree.By the eighth crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeGod killing babies, A talking burning bush,A woman turned to salt, >Sanctioned human sacrifice,<A three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat, A talking snake and a magical tree.By the ninth crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeFood precipitation,God killing babies, A talking burning bush,A woman turned to salt, >Sanctioned human sacrifice,<A three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat, A talking snake and a magical tree.By the tenth crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeRules for beating slaves,Food precipitation,God killing babies, A talking burning bush,A woman turned to salt, >Sanctioned human sacrifice,<A three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat, A talking snake and a magical tree.By the eleventh crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeDeath sentences galore,Rules on beating slaves,Food precipitation,God killing babies, A talking burning bush,A woman turned to salt, >Sanctioned human sacrifice,<A three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat, A talking snake and a magical tree.By the twelfth crazy story’s end In the bible you will seeA male child with no y-chromosome,Death sentences galore,Rules on beating slaves,Food precipitation,God killing babies, A talking burning bush,A woman turned to salt, >Sanctioned human sacrifice,<A three year old bride,Male and female geckos,God’s love of meat, A talking snake and a magical tree.

  54. 54
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) Keep your faith (Jingle Bells)Here’s the way you couldMake God really glad:Blind acceptance good,Observation bad!If you need to knowAnything at all,Just strongly believe it so,God will heed your call!(Chorus 1)Oh, keep your faith, keep your faith,That’s what you must do.If the bible says something,You know it must be true!Keep your faith, keep your faith,Keep it strong enoughTo consider science, math,and logic evil stuff!Never use your mind,Don’t let reason in,Reasoning is blind,Thinking is a sin!Stay away from booksThat don’t mention God,Have a mental state that looksJust like you are a pod.(Repeat Chorus 1)Oh, keep your faith, keep your faith,Keep it ‘til you die, That’s the only way you’ll End up living in the sky.Keep your faith, keep your faith,Keep it really strongEven though it’s obviously And completely wrong!

  55. 55
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) For the children… (Deck the Halls)Teach the story of creation,Fa la la la la, la la la la.In our public education,Fa la la la la, la la la la.Answer reason with defiance,Fa la la, la la la, la la la.Totally ignoring science,Fa la la la la, la la, la la.Kids believe what they are to-old,Fa la la la la, la la la la.Earth is six thousand years o-old,Fa la la la la, la la la la.God used melanin to da-amn,Fa la la, la la la, la la la,All the descendants of Ha-am,Fa la la la la, la la, la la.Schools can make religious pitches,Fa la la la la, la la la la,Kill the homos and the witches,Fa la la la la, la la la la.We are normal and they’re o-oddFa la la, la la la, la la la,Because that’s the word of Go-od,Fa la la la la, la la, la la.

  56. 56
    EdenBunny

    (Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.) Pray (“Hark, the Herald Angels Sing”)Found a real nice job for yoo-ou,Pray you get the interview.Found a real nice place to ee-eat, Pray you can reserve a seat.Pray your spouse will not burn dinner,Pray your horse will be the winner,Pray you won’t be late for work,Pray that your boss won’t be a jerk,Pray your date will like your pants.These are the kinds of prayers God grants.God is watching and he se-eesMillions suffer from disease.Rheumatoid arthritis pai-ains, Chronic terrible migraines,Diabetes, hepatitis,Ruptured spleen, appendicitis,AIDS and cancer, asian flu,Marburg and Ebola too,But if you pray constantly,You might win the lottery.God might bring us happy ho-omes,He won’t change our chromosomes,God won’t make an arm grow ba-ack,He might cure your heart attackAfter the surgeon’s operation,If you take your medication,And maintain a diet that Is low in salt and saturated fat.God may help you travel far,If you know how to drive a car.Tyranny in every la-andTriggers not God’s mighty hand,Forest fires that none can ho-ose,Lava-spewing volcanoes.Draughts, starvation, hurrica-anesDeadly winds, torrential rains,Corpses scattered everywhere,House-es lost, the land laid bare.But if you pray with your heart,Your key might get your car to start.

  57. 57
    Ray

    Who’s got a beak and a bunch of arms?Squid’s got a beak and a bunch of arms.Who wins our love with its squiddly charms?Squid wins our love with its squiddly charms.Beak and arms, squidly charms:Must be cephalo-Must be cephalo-Must be cephalo- cephalopods!Who lies around in Jurassic shales?Squid lies around in Jurassic shales.Who’s inspiration for Lovecraft’s tales?Squid’s inspiration for Lovecraft’s tales.Beak and arms, squiddly charms,Long time gone, Cthulhu ftagn:Must be cephalo-Must be cephalo-Must be cephalo- cephalopods!Who washes up on the ocean shores?Squid washes up on the ocean shores.Who likes to shoot spermatophores?Squid likes to shoot spermatophores.Beak and arms, squiddly charms,Long time gone, Cthulhu ftagn, Ocean wrecks, freaky sex:Must be cephalo-Must be cephalo-Must be cephalo- cephalopods!Who’s in the order called Teuthida?Squid’s in the order called Teuthida.Who’s also found in Spirulida?Squid’s also found in Spirulida.Who’s got a cell of enormous size?Squid’s got a cell of enormous size.Whose cell has won the Nobel prize?Squid’s cell has won the Nobel prize.Beak and arms, squiddly charms,Long time gone, Cthulhu ftagn, Ocean wrecks, freaky sex,Teuthid taxon, giant axon:Must be cephalo-Must be cephalo-Must be cephalo- cephalopods!(Original, or some version thereof, here.)

  58. 58
    Ray

    We four horsemen honestly areUnimpressed by Yaweh so far.Explanation for creation?Really, he’s quite subpar.Chorus:O-ohYou can wonder at the nightYou can call yourself a “Bright”;Not a smidgen of religionDo you need for living right!Harris:If you think some cultural swillMakes it right to torture and kill,That’s perverse, not just diverse:Maybe you’re mentally ill.[Chorus]Dennett:Made by evolution are we,Built to act beneficently.Since we’re soulless, we control us:We can be truly free[Chorus]Dawkins:Nature’s strange selection machineNeed not make you nasty or meanOr a creep. The nicest peopleCame from a selfish gene[Chorus]Hitchens:Humans shouldn’t cower or crawl;Faith just makes us hateful and small,We’ll start growing strong by knowingGod isn’t great at all![Chorus]

  59. 59
    Egoistpaul

    Is it ok if the lyrics contains a deity – Boobquake Goddess?

  60. 60
    Hillary

    In the spirit of tongue-in-cheek humor, I offer the following:Deck the halls with tasty babiesOm nom nom nom nom om nom nom nomPick one out, dip it in gravyOm nom nom nom nom om nom nom nom…yeah…that’s all I got. I tried writing more but it got REALLY offensive really fast. and I wasn’t too sure if everyone would take the rest in the same ironic manner as the first part. So I just quit while I was ahead.

  61. 61
    J. Mark

    JINGLE HELLS…Ok…I keep leaving a word out…here’s my final-final version….how do I delete my earlier attempts?JINGLE BELLS–THERE’S NO HELL–IT’S ALL IN YOUR HEADOH WHAT FUN IT IS TO TEACH–CREATIONISM ED.OH, JINGLE BELLS–RELIGION’S SWELL–CAN’T WAIT UNTIL I’M DEADOH WHAT FUN IT IS TO VOTE–IN STATES THAT ARE ALL RED.DASHING THROUGH THE FACTS–HATING DARWIN’S WAYLOGIC FULL OF CRACKS–PET DINOSAURS TODAYBELLS PALSY AIN’T NO FUN–SO JUST PRAY TO “HIS” SONIT MIGHT SOUND ODD–BUT THERE’S NO GOD–AND THAT’S THE WAY IT ISOH….

  62. 62
    SuperHappyJen

    I just have to try:Rudolph the Santa Claus AgnosticHad a very logical brainAnd if they ever met himHe made evangelical reindeer insane.Then one foggy yuletide eve,Santa came to say,You know I’m just your parents right?Hiding stuff under the tree tonight!Then all the evangelicals realized,The correlation between believing in Santa and their sky God.And they shouted out with glee:”Rudolph the Santa Claus agnostic,You’ll go down in HISTORY!”It lacks rhythm on purpose, to emphasize the…um…futility of believing in the supernatural….yeah…that’s it.

  63. 63
    SuperHappyJen

    BTW: You have quite a collection here. You should make a book of them or something.

  64. 64
    EdenBunny

    Quit while you’re ahead? Hillary, baby, once you’ve been eaten down to the head, I think it’s a little too late to quit!

  65. 65
    James Walker

    Oh rest ye merry gentlemenMay nothing your dismayRemember there’s no saviorAnd spread support for gays.To save us all from bigotryThen it is right to sayO here is inclusion and joyInclusion and joyO here is inclusion and joyThere is no god above usNo satan is belowWe are all us relatedYes Darwin tells us soTo save us all from idiotsAnd religiosityO here is inclusion and joyInclusion and joyO here is inclusion and joyThe universe is nearlyFourteen billion years oldWe know this is because scienceHas shown it to be soTo save us from stupidityAnd magical thinkingO here is inclusion and joyInclusion and joyO here is inclusion and joyWe are all of us equalThere is no cause to say“You don’t fit in, it is a sinWe wish you’d go away”To save us all from bigotryThen it is right to sayO here is inclusion and joyInclusion and joyO here is inclusion and joy

  66. 66
    nickandrew

    Ima remember these for the next Newtonmas and sing the new lyrics!

  67. 67
    EdenBunny

    I know the contest is over, but I just came up with another….Even though it’s to the tune of a well known Christmas carol, this one’s probably more Jewish, though, technically, all the Abrahamic religions believe the story this references and base their moral beliefs upon it…(Copyright EdenBunny 2010. All rights reserved. Permission granted to post electronically for non-commercial purposes or perform for non-commercial purposes on the condition that this notice accompanies such electronic posting or performance.)The Little Livestock BoyAvrom lived way back when, Avrom pum pum pum Long hard workday back then, Avrom pum pum pum He had no modern stuff, Avrom pum pum pum His life was kind of tough, Avrom pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, It’s a fair bet then, Avrom pum pum pum, Life was glum. He had no microwave, Avrom pum pum pum Probably didn’t shave, Avrom pum pum pum He had no motor car, Avrom pum pum pum No time for R & R, Avrom pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, His daily life was thus, Avrom pum pum pum, Not so much fun. He had no modern life, Avrom pum pum pum Legally owned his wife, Avrom pum pum pum He had no TV set, Avrom pum pum pum There were no movies yet, Avrom pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, His life I’m pointing out, Avrom pum pum pum Very hum-drum.Maybe he was just bored, Avrom pum pum pum Heard the voice of the lord, Avrom pum pum pum He’d be the chosen one, Avrom pum pum pum If he would kill his son, Avrom pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, A mighty nation then, Avrom pum pum pum He would become.He did not hesitate, Avrom pum pum pum His son he’d terminate, Avrom pum pum pum He’d slit his throat without, Avrom pum pum pum A question or a doubt, Avrom pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, So he prepared to, Avrom pum pum pum Butcher his son.The final moment came, Avrom pum pum pum He felt no guilt or shame, Avrom pum pum pum God intervened and said, Avrom pum pum pum “I’ll take a ram instead,” Avrom pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, How very kind of him, Avrom pum pum pumHelping Avrom.The moral of this tale, Avrom pum pum pum Obey God without fail, Avrom pum pum pum Obey all his commands, Avrom pum pum pum Don’t fear blood on your hands, Avrom pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, God will reward you then, Avrom pum pum pum You’ll get a plum.

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