In a recent letter to his flock, Archbishop John Nienstedt of St Paul and Minneapolis wrote of the duty incumbent upon Christians to defend the proper definition of marriage. The Archbishop also included a prayer in his letter, asking for God’s help in promoting the passage of a “marriage amendment” to Minnesota’s constitution, which would safeguard the definition of marriage as being between a man and a woman.
In the interests of truth in advertising, let me suggest a suitable text for such a prayer.
Will you bow your heads please.
Ahem. “O mighty, glorious, and familiar God, Who forgives us of our sins but does not forgive the sins of others, long have we served Thee through the cruelty, intolerance, and oppression which we have bestowed upon those who fall in love differently than we do. Arise now, Lord, and defend the double standard by which we defend our own right to sexual fulfilment while denying that right to others. Teach us duplicity, by which our words may sound good when they mean evil; and forgive us the false accusations by which we slander those who claim that homosexuals are Thy children also, for such deceptions are useful to the proclamation of the Gospel.”
“Strengthen us O Lord, and make us like the Taliban, and the Nazis, and other heroes in the struggle against decent treatment of gays. And bless the jocks and bullies in school, Thy youthful ministers, who glorify Thy holiness through the abuse of those they find weak, effeminate, or just weird. Protect them from censure and retribution, for of such is the Kingdom of Heaven, and when they are grown they will aid us in our crusade against tolerance.”
“For Thou, O Lord, art a good God, because Thou art just like us. Thy prejudices are like unto our own; yea, Thou art the Father of our bigotry, for hadst Thou not told us whom to hate, we would not have found any grounds to condemn them, since they do us no harm. Hear us now and grant us our prayer, that we may deprive people of marriage while telling them we’re defending it.”
“We ask in the name of Jesus Christ our Savior, who died so that our religious opinions might take priority over the rights and the liberty of others,”
“We’re number one.”