Because my friends and family know that I enjoy good ones and make bad ones, they periodically send me collections of them. Here is one set I received recently:

How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it….
Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Type-O.
I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.
Jokes about German sausages are the wurst.
I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I’d never met herbivore.
When chemists die, apparently they barium.
I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection you know urine trouble.
Broken pencils are pretty much pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
I dropped out of the Communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York ‘s police stations have been stolen. As of now, it appears the police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Velcro – what a rip off!


  1. Rob Grigjanis says

    What does the haemorrhoid-afflicted author of Wuthering Heights have in common with the Natural History Museum? A Brontë sore arse.

  2. Daniel Schealler says

    I skimmed through the first half of those puns to see if any of them would make me laugh.

    Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

  3. Bender says

    The blind man picked up the hammer and saw.

    One of my favorites as a kid.

  4. MNb says

    You should learn Dutch; you will become a huge fan of Fons Jansen and Herman Finkers. Alas puns are extremely hard to translate, but I have found those:

    FJ: it needs courage to believe in your own doubts.
    You don’t need to oil yourself anymore on the beach. The oil is already in the seawater.
    Nuclear and sexual morality are similare. The pope says about both that you can have them, but not use them.

    HF: Let’s consider something usual like a traffic-jam. What do people like about it? But they stand in line for it!
    “Are you married?” “No, my parents in law could not have childs.”
    “Women aren’t capable of driving cars. One third of all the accidents are caused by women.”
    “Committing suicide would be the last thing I’d ever do.”

  5. StevoR : Free West Papua, free Tibet, let the Chagossians return! says

    LOL. Some good ones here – thanks.

  6. R Johnston says

    Here’s my favorite similar bit of wordplay that I’ve come up with:

    The difference between transparent and translucent is a little bit blurry.

  7. subbie says

    I couldn’t figure out why the baseball kept getting bigger, then it hit me.

  8. NuclearNeil says

    My son used to have an addiction to the Hokey Pokey, but he turned himself around.

  9. morsgotha says

    A farmer had 36 sheep that he wanted me to round up. I told him ’40’.

  10. Johnny Vector says

    I found a praying mantis in my house. I was going to put it in the compost pile, cause hey, plenty of bugs to eat, it’s warm, she’ll love it!

    Then I thought, “What am I, crazy? This is a non-compost mantis!”

  11. morsgotha says

    I punned “A farmer had 36 sheep that he wanted me to round up. I told him ’40′.”

    I should have attributed that to Tim Vine the one-line master:

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