The water-logged corpse of JFK jr did not appear in Dealey Plaza

I am so disappointed. I just got home from the lab and the first thing I had to check was whether John F. Kennedy Jr had shown up in Texas.

He did not.

It turns out his father was also supposed to appear. He did not.

You know who else was a no-show?

The Dallas QAnon believers had become convinced the Kennedys would unveil themselves on Nov. 2 around 12:30 PM Central time, right around the timing of Kennedy’s assassination. But they then began to add on other dead celebrities, convinced that they, too, would appear, having faked their deaths to avoid the deep state.

They began to pick out random people they encountered in the Dallas area as celebrities in disguise, claiming one man was comedian Robin Williams and another comedian Richard Pryor.


“I just can’t wait to see Kobe Bryant!” the new woman said.

The list of returning celebrities grew long, coming to include not just the Kennedys, Bryant, and Williams, but also actress Debbie Reynolds and racecar driver Dale Earnhardt.

“Yes, there’s been a rapper here, we’re not sure of his name,” said one man livestreaming from Dallas.

“Tupac, maybe?” asked one helpful listener.

None of them showed up, which may have been a good thing given one concern.

One Dallas resident pointed out that no parade permits had been obtained for the parade of dead celebrities that was supposed to follow on Tuesday afternoon.

Yes, I’m sure that would have been embarrassing if the cops turned up to hand out tickets to John F. Kennedy, his son Jr, Robin Williams, Richard Pryor, Kobe Bryant, Debbie Reynolds, Dale Earnhardt, and Tupac.

What? No love for Biggie Smalls?


  1. says

    “I just can’t wait to see Kobe Bryant!” the new woman said.

    She’s new here, she doesn’t know that bunch don’t want to see dead BLACK people. Bless her little heart…

    That line is just priceless.

  2. PaulBC says

    Did John Lennon at least show up with Stephen King, who finally admitted that he did it and not Mark David Chapman? That would be something… though not nearly enough to lure me to Texas.

    More realistically, Paul McCartney could have showed up to explain he had been dead all along.

  3. Akira MacKenzie says

    And just WHAT were these supposedly exiled celebrities supposed to do? Reveal “The Cabal” Is real? Lead the vanguard to the revolution that will return Trump to power and kick off the endless stream of military executions? Open the seals and unleash the Horsemen of the Apocalypse?

    Why do these people believe in this utter nonsense? What has to happen to you that you have absolutely no ability to critically exam a claim, no matter how obviously outlandish it is?

  4. says

    What about Lee Harvey Oswald, Jack Ruby, and the Mafia don(s) who gave the orders to kill JFK–oops, I mean fake JFK’s death? I woulda loved to hear from them…

    PS: all the ex-parrots were busy with Choir Invisible practice…

  5. Rich Woods says

    I’m not sure why the QAnon people would look forward to meeting JFK. His father, however, would be very much more to their liking.

  6. Bruce says

    Once again, it seems that Trump has been foiled by those dastardly zombie-hunters. Ever since the book of Matthew, they have been interfering when the dead rise up out of their graves and walk the streets, conversing with people. Clearly, Mark, Luke, and John, and Saint Paul were all in on the cover-up, refusing to admit that zombies are real and sent by god. I may have to re-read my QAnon zombie scriptures if I want to stay up to date on Trump stuff. Are the zombies using the new Trump Truth social media yet? So unreliable.

  7. zagnut says

    Akira MacKenzie, @7

    Eh, when faced with the banality of the fact that our world is a mess because rich people like being rich, I understand the desire for the reasons for suffering to be weirder. I’d prefer aliens or cthonic monstrosities from beyond space and time, or even lizard people, but given the US, Satanic pedophiles with a moonbase is what we get.

  8. hemidactylus says

    Too bad the Dead Kennedys didn’t show up to play a set, thus trolling the anticipators.

    I now know QAnon cannot have real rednecks in their midst. If they did the date of appearance would be set at February 18th at 5:16 pm. Why would The Intimidator stoop to show up with a bunch of high falutin Yankees? Makes absolutely no sense.

    Now if instead of the Kennedys, Tupac and Biggie showed up together, QAnon would collectively lose their shit as it is doubtful any of them would know who these guys were. Tupac might have had Shock G/Humpty Hump tag along since they were in Digital Underground and that Nothing But Trouble movie together.

  9. Ridana says

    Ouabache @16: That’s why he’ll only last a week before passing on. Once they’re thawed, their shelf life tends to be short.
    Just before the Kobe-fan spoke up

    One of the livestream’s hosts shot back that followers needed to show more faith, pointing out how lonely so many of them had been before latching on to QAnon.

    “Some of them were home alone feeling lonely,” she said. “They had nobody there. We’ve heard these stories for months about people, people feeling alone, having nobody they can talk to. And now you have, what, 1,000 people in Dallas?”

    This right here is why this is so insidious and evil, and they know it. They know exactly what they’re doing and how to guilt trip any doubters. I hate these people.

  10. tedw says

    hemidactylus@17: there were some serious Winnebago warrior vibes going on there. True yankee pioneers!

  11. birgerjohansson says

    The Democrats are caving.
    And they (at least the ones in leading positions) are too indifferent to call out the corruption of Manchin. Most voters remain ignorant of his ties to and donations from coal and oil companies.
    För some reason, I suspects the speakers if the house and senare have taken contributions from the same companies.

  12. snarkrates says

    So, can we now consider these guys to be false prophets?

    I’ll check on answers later. I have to go out to my garden and dig up a lot of stones, like a good Christian.

  13. erik333 says

    Is there anyone in that chamber who hasnt gotten bribes a.k.a. campaign contributions from some company or other?

  14. DanDare says

    If they follow Qanon because they are lonely would someone please just create a US wide lonely hearts special interest group without the mind parasites.