How the Republicans will win the next election

They’re going to be flooded with donations.

They’re also going to solve the school shooting problem by installing cabinets with emergency supplies in all schoolrooms.

Finkelstein explained that the cabinets would be installed in both elementary and high schools across all 50 states within the next two years, with plans to extend the scheme to college campuses at some point in the future. Each cabinet will contain a selection of thoughts and prayers from both politicians and pro-gun lobbyists, and each student will be provided with their own American flag to hide under whilst they wait to be murdered in what should be a place of safety. It is believed that some cabinets will also be fitted with speakers that will play the national anthem at a volume loud enough to drown out distant screams, but not so loud that it draws the attention of the shooter.

The Democrats might as well give up. No way they’re going to raise enough thoughts & prayers before the next election. We have a T&P gap.


  1. Ed Seedhouse says

    Technology to the rescue! With modern computers we can generate virtually infinite amounts of thoughts and prayers and send them day and night to every politician in the land. Snow them under, I say.

    O.K. it might not be personally generated thoughts and prayers, but think of Tibetan prayer flags which generate prayers merely by flapping in the wind. The principal is the same, surely.

  2. Chet Murthy says

    Outsourcing! I remember a sci-fi story where one could hire poor people in (at the time) India to pray for you (someone you thought needed ’em). Ha!

  3. Snarki, child of Loki says

    If one of the next mass shootings takes out the NRA leadership, I will be sure to send along my “thoughts and prayers”.

    As in “I think it’s about time”, and “thanks the gods”.

  4. The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge says

    If we set up a computer to generate all 9 Billion Names of God Thoughts and Prayers, what happens when it’s done?

  5. blf says

    The mildly deranged penguin points out a problem with computer-generated thoughts is a dead rock is better at the thinking than a computer. However, if your magic sky faerie accepts stoning as a form of prayer, then computers can work quite well, albeit stones will tend to be more aerodynamic and easier for an individual to throwpray.

  6. grasshopper says

    For further protection, each classroom requires an AK-47 in a glass-fronted cabinet emblazoned with the words “EMERGENCY USE ONLY”. That will make kids who want to bring guns to school think twice.

  7. Ed Seedhouse says

    The Very Reverend Battleaxe of Knowledge:”If we set up a computer to generate all 9 Billion Names of God Thoughts and Prayers, what happens when it’s done?”

    I’m sure Arthur could tell you were he still with us. But computers do infinite looping quite well and I suspect the supply of T&P may be infinite given that they are apparently mass-less.

    Nine Billion? Small time thinking!

  8. says

    Nah, they’ll just rig the vote so it’s “heads we win” and “tails you lose”
    If there is no credible opposition to the two-party system it’s going to be down to a coin-toss-between-evils. Again.

  9. blf says

    If there is no credible opposition to the two-party system…

    (Disclaimer: I’m not very fond of “the two-party system”, however…) Two credible parties, both with essentially-exclusively credible candidates, would be a vast improvement. One credible party with essentially-exclusively credible candidates could be an improvement, albeit without credible opposition (with essentially-exclusively credible candidates) the system itself is not-credible.

  10. johnlee says

    Why do some politicians cost the NRA a lot more than others?

    Why, for example, did purchasing John McCain cost them nearly 8 million dollars, whereas Senator Bill Cassidy set them back less than 3 million?

    Are Cassidy’s Thoughts and Prayers worth less than McCain’s?

  11. MHiggo says

    johnlee @12 — If I had to guess, I’d say longevity and the influence that comes with it can drive up the asking price. McCain has been a Congresscritter since 1983 (aside from two brief interludes to run for president) while Cassidy has only been in Congress since 2008. Also, McCain occasionally lives up to his maverick reputation — McCain-Feingold, ACA repeal, etc. — so it might take more “free speech” to keep him onside.

  12. KG says

    Marcus Ranum@9,

    Yes, I’m sure all those Dreamers and undocumented immigrants threatened with deportation agree with you that the choice between Republicans and Democrats is just a coin-toss-between-evils.

  13. dorght says

    grasshopper @7,
    I thought you were going to say put the AK-47 at the front of the class so the have an idol to worship and pledge allegiance to the NRA with.