Last night, I had to make a run to the grocery store. On the way, I encountered traffic from the Festival of Lights, the annual Morris holiday parade. Then, in the grocery store, they were piping in Christmas carols already.
This is intolerable.
The 2016 War On Christmas begins today. Gird up your loins, atheists!
I have already made my assault plans, and am assembling my army. Next week, all three of my kids, and one daughter-in-law, are gathering at my house, and I’m going to propose an all-out attack to them. We’re going to travel north a few miles to the local tree farm to savagely cut down a pine tree, which we’ll erect in our house and festoon with fearsome glittering objects. We will drink hot apple cider. There will be reindeer-drawn wagon rides downtown the day after Thanksgiving — we will ride the hell out of them. We may even put up decorations in our windows, and I’m even tempted to get lawn ornaments, or maybe put up colorful lights around the door. We shall be blatant.
And when the believers feebly protest,
But you’re atheists…, I shall tell them, “Yes, and this is my celebration of family and relaxation and a secular federal holiday, and it is a godless, humanist occasion. Why don’t you go mewl at ghosts in church, or more likely, trundle soullessly through a noisy shopping mall?” Because I’m taking over.