Ted Cruz wrote “25 things you don’t know about me” — it’s got one interesting thing about him, and leaves off the most important point.
6. I was once bitten by an octopus at the beach and got terribly ill. (Yes, apparently octopuses can be poisonous.)
Yeah, dumbass.
But what I want to know is…forget Cruz, did the octopus survive its poisoning?
I was wondering where his unending sympathy and fondness for Syrian refugees comes from.
Great. Now I have find another favorite movie. Thanks, Ted.
Well, shit. Soup is one of my go-to dinners when I don’t feel like cooking. Now I have to change that.
They are smarter than us! Probably have an assassins guild going down there.
“Bitten” by an octopus? Grabbed probably, stung maybe but…. bitten?
*Venomous!
I’m wondering if the beach, actually, no, the landmass, survived in a still-recognizable form, that is, basically solid and still on the surface of the planet (albeit quite probably underwater, or more likely, sinking into a bubbling pool of molten lava).
Teh crud: Toxic to everything except himself.
carlie: Surprisingly, considering the source, he’s not wrong. Octopuses venom is in the saliva, and is delivered by bite. (Though in the case of a Blue Ring, it’s also reportedly vile enough to cause neuropathy via mere skin absorption.)
Octopus bites are nasty even in species that aren’t venomous. (Or, significantly venomous at least: http://news.nationalgeographic.com/news/2009/04/090417-octopus-venom.html). Image search “octopus beak” if you’ve never seen one before!
#5
Yes, bitten! They have a mouth something like a parrot beak. The pictured species, the Blue Ringed Octopus, has an especially nasty venom, able to kill a human within minutes through total paralysis, and there is as yet no anti-venom.
Yeah, and then it was ostracized by its peers, who viewed his attempt to save our foreign land-dwelling, ocean-polluting species from Cruz not as an heroic act an transpecies solidarity but as colluding with the ennemy.
19. My favorite movie is The Princess Bride. I can quote every line.
Let me guess, he sympathizes with Prince Humperdinck
25. When I’m away from the family, in Washington, D.C., my dinner is a can of soup. I have dozens in the pantry.
Let me guess, he sympathizes with Ebeneezer Scrooge when he leaves his office on Christmas Eve, locks himself in his room with only one lit candle, heats his soup on the coal furnace with one lump of coal, and plans on how to fire Bob Cratchit on Boxing Day for being late to the office. In my version, Cruz imprisons the ghosts for being illegal aliens on Earth.
I’m sure it was just a predation response in which the octopus mistook Cruz for a seaworm or some similar bottom-dweller. These things happen.
Keep in mind this is teh crud. Anything he says should be assumed to be false until independently verified. He may sometimes say a not-falsehood, but most likely — as the aside suggests — because he doesn’t know he isn’t telling a lie. That is, any truths he says are probably accidental and presumably caused by stooopidity.
Catholics go to the confessional when they cheat on their spouse.
Cruz does when he’s caught telling the truth
He’s not actually a lizard person. This might, in theory, go a ways toward humanizing a man widely known as the least likeable candidate in a campaign that actually contains Donald Trump.
But honestly, it really just reinforces to me how incredibly banal he is.
“things you might not know about me: I like popular television shows! I did a common touristy trip! I’ve injured myself a couple of times! I have a favorite and least favorite food, both of which are easily found or avoided, respectively! I play games on my phone! My kids also play games on my phone! I know vegetarians, but I am not one!”
The only way he could possibly be more boring to me is if he said his favorite movie was Boondock Saints (in my experience, fans of that movie are the most boring dudebros in the universe.)
karpad@15: banal is, as you point out, the whole point of the exercise. Also, slightly dorky, an important feature in this dork nation (PvZ with the kids, candy crush, Princess Bride).
I still hope he fails to get the nod — him and Trump both, and everyone else in fact.
Correct, he’s too cold-blooded to be a lizard, and too inhumane to be a person. I’d suggest he’s a rock, expect he is also too stoooopid. A perfect vacuum sounds plausible until one realizes that is interesting.
Only a poseur wears cowboy boots if they aren’t actually out herding cattle or at least riding somewhere.
We don’t know that. He could have simply failed to mention it because it’s not something that we don’t know about him, but, on the contrary, something that everyone already knows about him.
What he doesn’t tell you is that the octopus bite gave him special powers. When in danger, his chromatophores turn him yellow and blue as a threat display, and then he ejects a cloud of ink to cover his escape.
As an Australian, I have to laugh at that one. Mind you Australians tend to be instilled with a healthy respect/fear of the wildlife. One of the first things they drum into is if you see a native animal you leave it alone.