Computer security I can manage!

I mentioned before that my wife has betrayed me by getting one of those accursed Windows PCs. One thing I’ve been worried about is those filthy viruses that infect PCs — I can cope with my Mac, with years of technical experience, but no, I am a novice when it comes to Windows.

So you can imagine my relief when I learned how easy it is to keep Windows computers virus free. All I need is a malachite crystal!


So easy…


  1. thebookofdave says

    it breaks into pieces when danger is near.

    That doesn’t sound like protection to me. I expect my protection to fragment the hazard. Malachite doesn’t even make an effective fuse. At least one of those has the ability to disable the system, and limit further exposure to the threat.

  2. Al Dente says

    Pick up your stone and hold it firmly in your hand to feel its power

    Don’t you have to plug the stone into a wall socket before you can feel its power? Or is it battery operated?

  3. says

    At least that stone sounds like it does something useful. /sarcasm

    I’ll bet the malachite is prettier than Joseph Smith’s seer stone.

  4. komarov says

    Well, any bit of metal would probably do the trick for you, much to the delight and annoyance of electrical engineers everywhere. As luck would have it I just read a short article in a chemistry monthly about a generator that is supposed to harvest some of that wasted energy from stray electric field. And it’s crystal-based, too! The article wasn’t terribly detailed but the generator is likely small-scale (for now at least), so you probably pick it up without too much trouble.

    (The intended application are E-fields around high voltage lines, I think, so you probably wouldn’t get much energy out of your workspace. The intended applications don’t include purifying its owner, they’d have mentioned that. Or dropped the article.)

  5. Randomfactor says

    Malachite is nice. But nothing prevents Windows crashes quite like dilithium.

  6. Rob says

    Reading that I didn’t know whether to laugh, choke, snort or roll my eyes. My co-workers thought I was having some sort of fit. Malachite is sparingly soluble, so washing under a tap daily is probably not a good idea if you actually like your crystal.

  7. fmitchell says

    No, it’s true, really. Here’s how it works:

    1. Switch your Windows PC off.
    2. Disconnect the power cord, Ethernet cable, and all other wires.
    3. Place the PC in a box.
    4. Fill the box with malachite. Ground malachite is best, but chunks will work too.
    5. Seal the box shut.
    6. Bury the box in your back yard.

    Voila! Your PC is now as secure as it can get.

  8. says

    Keep in mind, though, that a single crystal of copper carbonate hydroxide is microscopic. When chaotic masses of crystals come together, for example in malachite rock, the near random arrangements of crystals interfere with the quantum vibrations of one another, making malachite rock unusable as a source of mystic forces. Or something.

  9. Nadai says

    Rob@10, clearly you don’t understand the purpose of washing the malachite. See, the outer layer gets etherically cloudy as it absorbs toxins, which interferes with the ability of the stone to repel computer viruses. Washing it is like exfoliating dead skin cells; the removal of the cloudy layer allows the full power of the stone to shine through. You wouldn’t want to rely on a weak piece of malachite to protect your computer, would you? So, yes, you have to periodically purchase another stone. I’m sure the author of that article could point you to a good source of fresh, clean malachite.

  10. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    re @8:
    about a generator that is supposed to harvest some of that wasted energy from stray electric field.

    aka RFIDchip. Those RFID’s they embed in credit cards, derive their power from a radio wave directed at them inorder to answer with an IDcode (with the power retained from that radio charge). RFID is just a little variation of the ancient form of Radio Receiver, known as “crystal radios”. Where the crystal (a simple diode) is attached to the antenna to rectify the AM into a audiofrequency ~DC signal that can then be amplified by that little earpiece to make the signal audible.
    Seems to me, someone has extrapolated this function a little unreasonably. RFID is a little different than PCvirus protection. The latter requires a bit more activity than just a electro-crystallographic response to the faint electrical fields from the nearby PC.

  11. brucej says

    Well, I have a malachite PYRAMID next to my computer and it’s NEVER gotten a virus! So obviously, it works! Well, perhaps it’s the small carved stone bear eating a salmon, or the ironwood frog. Maybe it’s the little brass statue of Ganesh a friend gave me years ago. I’d say it was the little plastic Tinkerbell Ganesh used to hold in his arms, but she disappears a while back.

    Nope it’s got to be the malachite!

    Unless its’ the fossil turtle coprolite I keep there so that when people ask me “How’s it going?” I can hold it up and say “Same old shit!”

    Or maybe, it’s because I don’t use a Windows computer…naaah!

  12. says

    Whack the processor hard enough with a malachite crystal and I guarantee you, it’ll “go secure” and you won’t get viruses afterward.

  13. whheydt says

    Get a BIG piece of malachite and drop it on the computer. Presto! No risk of viruses!

    Rather more serious, get a install DVD with Linux on it. Install Linux on the PC. Now you have a very, very low risk of viruses. (There’s an old joke about a unix virus. You get an e-mail that says, “Please run this program….”)

  14. PDX_Greg says

    Malachite is a beautiful mineral. I keep a small stone within a few feet of my desk and my PCs been always been virus free. Evidence!

  15. Trebuchet says

    I just depend on those guys with American sounding names that call every day or two from India from Windows Technical Center.

  16. says

    Re fmitchell/’Bury the box in your back yard.’

    I dunno. What with recent successful demonstration exploits even on air-gapped machines (using malware to induce them to transmit their contents to a receiver using RF or even sound (!)), I can’t help but think someone, somewhere just read your comment and is thinking: ‘Right… So, assuming we can’t just dig it up, first we need to wind a coil through which we can induce current in the power supply…’

  17. Monsanto says

    Should you not have kept your crystal close enough to your computer to ward off all the viruses, you can still exorcise the virus by firmly holding the malachite in one hand while thrusting it against your computer screen twice and shouting “Heal!” The third time around, you must remember to say “The Holy Spirit compels you to heal!”, as the spiritual power of that thrust knocks the computer onto the floor. You will know it worked if the screen is cracked and your computer is imbued with the Holy Spirit. I know this works because I’ve seen Benny Hinn do it dozens of times.

  18. unclefrogy says

    this reminded me of the $10,00 audio cables and the $1,000 power cord so I went looking and I found this

    Brilliant Pebbles is a unique and comprehensive system for tuning the room and audio system based on special physical properties of highly symmetrical crystal structures.

    what it is is little baggies of tumbled pebbles

    we are doomed
    no system is immune from being compromised windows is a bigger target is most of it. I have heard that the I-phone is pretty vulnerable and has been attacked, it’s a very big target.
    we are still in the early days of computers really like
    Sesame Street in sophistication though advancing all the time but in other ways rather like Times Square or funky Broadway it ain’t Disney land main street watch you pockets and don’t believe all you see and hear.
    uncle frogy

  19. Saganite, a haunter of demons says

    I know how to get rid of computer viruses with rocks: Smash the hard drive!
    Also, yes, it’s obviously woo, but I never knew they even ascribed agency to their crystals and whatnot. I mean: “Ask it” to soak up negativity?!
    Also, where do they think the negativity goes? So rocks become corrupted by evil energies over time? Are there good and bad rocks? How do you cleanse a rock of negative energy by washing it and would that only be moving the energy elsewhere, through the water and into the environment, to where it can cause harm again?
    Also, I love how they tell you to use it along with antivirus software. It’s like when a homeopath tells you to get the super-diluted solution they’re peddling for the cancer you suffer from, but to also check in on an oncologist. Just in case.

  20. rorschach says

    Mary should not under any circumstances plug in that PC before she’s followed all the steps mentioned here to fix the most glaring privacy and security issues.
    Sadly all the malachite in the world can’t make a Windows PC secure.

  21. matthieu says

    “Can be used alongside your dedicated antivirus program”. Malachite is so powerful that it tells the antivirus where the viruses are

  22. F.O. says

    Randall Munroe, I invoke thee:

    But hey, windows pc… I’m sure that if you get a virus then your stone wasn’t pure enough, or you didn’t wash it properly, or your karma was bad **IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT!!**

  23. eamick says

    I hope it works better with computer viruses than with other things. The World Cup Trophy has malachite, and it sure as hell didn’t help FIFA.

  24. Rich Woods says

    Ask it to soak up any negativity from your office space and send out strong, positive energetic rays around your computer to keep it virus-free.

    So the safest place in the world for my computer is in the LHC? Perhaps I should ask them if I can leave it in one of the beam dumps.

  25. says

    @The various “install Linux” people:

    Why bother? Then she wouldn’t be able to do anything else with the machine.

    Besides, the lack of viruses on Linux is… well, I’ll let the (extremely crude) Linux-Hater’s Blog say it:

    But actually, what no one talks about is that writing a virus for Linux is really hard. And that’s not necessarily a good thing.

    The luser whales, “OMG, But how can that be? BBQ!”

    You see, a virus needs to make certain assumptions about your platform. Certain libraries existing, with particular ABI’s. Certain data being accessible through particular API’s. In other words, a common set of core components that are available on every install of your system so that the virus’s code can be small and compact and yet infect as many machines as possible.

    Wait, this sounds familiar. Oh yea, that’s right: real software needs that too. Why is there no proprietary software for Linux? because for all practical purposes DEPLOYMENT IS IMPOSSIBLE. The Linux market is so small that there’s no point going after it unless you try to support all Linux deployments. Hmm, well what does that mean? At least 3-4 major distros, which all have multiple versions of the past few years with different kernels and different libraries and different versions of GTK and different ways to integrate into the start menu, and different broken versions of evolution. Fuck me! Sounds like awesome fun. I’m glad people have all these choices. They can have another choice: FUCK OFF! I DON’T WANT YOUR FUCKING HIPPIE MONEY!

  26. pita says

    There’s a Steven Universe joke in there somewhere, but I just can’t put it together.