Have you ever witnessed a cat in heat? Yowling, hissing, screaming, tearing at each other…or at best, moping about the house, trying to get intimate in unseemly ways with you, pressing their butts up against everything and responding to every touch with lordosis. They are tacky and obnoxious. It’s no wonder that pet owners get the randy little beasts neutered — it’s not just to prevent them spawning more of their creepy kind, but to suppress their repulsive sexual demonstrations.

Now molluscs, on the other hand — if we had them as pets, we’d be putting hormones in their food to induce more frequent balletic copulations. We’d want a pair elegantly and silently writhing in a corner of the living room all the time, and we’d applaud in wonder and stroke them when they were done, murmuring “Beautiful boy/girl, lovely boy/girl, well done.”

(Also on FtB)