A Florida teacher was assaulted by two fellow teachers…who splashed her with holy water because she is an atheist. This is a serious concern — they’re on to us. What am I going to do if someone flings holy water onto me? I might start smoking and my flesh will melt and then I’ll disintegrate with an unholy wail as Satan drags me down.

Or I might start giggling. One or the other.

Gotta make sure the Christians don’t find out about this. Stakes through the heart and silver bullets…completely harmless to atheists. Holy water, though, and garlic terrify us. Especially if it’s a garlic with butter and lemon on calamari, I’m just paralyzed with fear when I see that. Shhhh, don’t tell anyone.