Last year, Liberty University picked an appropriate commencement speaker: Ben Stein. And the laughter did peal across the nation.
What could they do to top that this year? Who could they possibly get as a commencement speaker for the class of 2010 to signify exactly how deeply into Wingnuttia they are? Who could possibly stand up and show them their future?
It’s Glenn Beck. Perfection!
They may have peaked. I don’t know who they could possibly get to be as representative in 2011.
Next year, the corpse of John Birch.
This is almost too good to be true.
Sarah Palin?
Mick Huckabee?
Regent University threw a big fit a couple of years back when Mitt Romney (a godless heathen Mormon) was selected to speak at commencement.
Glenn Beck is also a Mormon.
I’m so glad Liberty U is more open-minded than Regent.
What, Deepak Chopra ain’t available?
(after that, Gene Ray)
Orly Taitz?
Rush Limbaugh?
Although he might have moved to Costa Rica by then.
Joseph Nazinger?
The pace of auto flagellation seems to be increasing by little fits and starts within the ranks of various god strokers. And like the accumulation of small errors that are nothing in themselves but taken all together ultimately reach a state of self caricature that just can’t be beaten, members of major sects just can’t seem to get enough of pummeling themselves with willful ignorance and seeking shelter and confirmation in mutual mythturbation.
Why, the comedic repercussions are tantamount to disestablishment, let alone the theological implications.
Decent. Or descent. Anyway a lovely descant.
These are interesting times.
Jonathan Wells?
That he’d be one of ID’s main stars is beyond bizarre.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p
I think my brain may have to preemptively melt a little, anticipating the non sequitur-laced, wingnut-baiting BS that should pop up on youtube about .5 seconds after he finishes wiping his last crocodile tear in front of that crowd. gross.
Or go whole-hog and invite Rev. Moon himself.
Glen D
http://tinyurl.com/mxaa3p
Pat Robertson.
Corpse of Ronald Reagan.
David Duke.
John A Davison? At least one person there would ‘love it so’….
Obviously, the correct choice is the honorable Representative Michele Bachmann.
Or possibly Don McLeroy.
Ah, now I get this post: You’re On In Five Minutes, Mr. Beck.
Show up with signs!
PZ, you must award some sort of prize to Crudely Wrott! That is the most beautiful piece of prose I have read in a looong time.
And so concise in describing so much about all that is wrong with the wingnuts.
I bow before you.
Orly Taitz and Rev. Moon were both reasonable suggestions for how to top Beck. Heck, get the real Beck to talk about how rad Scientology is.
Seriously, there doesn’t seem to be a bottom to this horrible grab bag of humanity’s genetic cesspit. I find it difficult to avoid using the language of violence when talking about dangerous freaks of this calibre. DOOOOOOOOM!
I was torn between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney. Dick Cheney would be a step up, and to be honest I wouldn’t mind hearing him talk, but he is the closest thing we have to Satan in this world.
Honestly, once you hit Glenn Beck you can only move sideways or up. There is no more down. Palin keeps him company. I think O’Reilly would even be a step up from them. He isn’t crazy at least. Same with Limbaugh.
i went to college in lynchburg, va. the other college – lynchburg college. the late j-fall referred to it as hell hill. his repressed students could often be found unconscious in our quad on saturday and sunday mornings. the place is ridiculous.
anyway, as far as 2011 commencement address: ken ham or kirk cameron.
Sooooooooooooooooo
I guess the graduation caps are covered in tin foil?
Mark Levin.
He may not say anything crazier than Beck, but his voice just adds that extra pinch of crazy to put him over the top. Plus, he calls his broadcasting location “the bunker.”
We have a winner.
In 2011, Fred Phelps.
Who else?
Kent Hovind. He may not be able to show up in person, but he could use his newfound telepathic skills. Hell, he could even channel the corpses mentioned above!
Hey don’t pick on Kent. He’s a victim of the man.
Hell, that’s easy, Michelle Bachmann, queen of Minnesota.
Michelle Bachmann would indeed be a near-perfect compliment of crazy.
Well, following the logical progression the only possible choice for 2011 is Satan. It’s way past time they man up and admit who they’re really working for.
Plus, I hear Satan’s speaking fee is way less than Palin’s. Win/win!
G. W. Bush would fit perfectly. Born-again fruitcake who speaks monosyllabic stupidity; tailor-made for Liberty “University” students. Probably needs the work too. If he’s not available, get his father to tell them (again) how atheists shouldn’t be allowed to be citizens – that’ll make’em happy. How did that jackhole of a place ever get accreditation?
President Obama? He’s supposed to be the anti-christ…
Invite Dick Cheney or Ray Comfort. In the mean time, http://blog.reidreport.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/11/beck-fear-hate.jpg
I would certainly go for the lovely Sarah Palin. I think that could top Glenn Beck. I mean, the stupid is there. And a bit of crazy.
D Mabus (née D Markuze)?
Less-Brains-Than-a-Stuffed-Turkey (Graeme Bird)?
“Lord” Monckton?
A dalek?
Jack Chick?
Nobody at all (would they even notice?)?
It seems to be some kind of religious school, so why the bloody hell would I care?
There is something very, very wrong with Glenn Beck, and while Palin is a dumb demagogue, Beck is something entirely different.I suspect he might be a sociopath, not sure, I can’t watch any of his programs, they make me physically ill.
blf #37,
I found something you might like: guanophrenic@urbandictionary
For fuck’s sake I should be able to do this, but somehow I messed it up. How about this?
Kent Hovind channeling what Jesus says Reagan would say.
Oooh, or they could get ICP. They’d be a perfect match for Clown College.
I expect they will hire Barney Dunn.
There’s only one way to top Glenn Beck as commencement speaker…
Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich performing a rap-style speech to the tune of Old Man River, while Michael Steele and Sean Hannity (in black face) tap dance in Mr. Bojangles costumes, and Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin sing back-up.
/so whatcha whatcha whatcha WANT?
Dick Armey?
Rush Limbaugh and Newt Gingrich performing a rap-style speech to the tune of Old Man River, while Michael Steele and Sean Hannity (in black face) tap dance in Mr. Bojangles costumes, and Michelle Bachmann and Sarah Palin sing back-up.
no no no…
we’re saving that for Armageddon.
If they’re going to keep on the same linear path, I would imagine next year they’ll have a piece of moss soaked in urine as their speaker. Except that I wouldn’t want to insult either moss or urine, which both actually serve a beneficial purpose on this planet.
Train Wreck Syndrome.
Next year: the secret love child of Michelle Bachman and Rush Limbaugh.
Next year: the secret love child of Michelle Bachman and Rush Limbaugh. His name is Damien, he’s 12 years old and followed everywhere by two, large Rottweiliers.
It just has to be Joe the Plumber.
Karl Rove.
He’s who they want to be, but he’s suspected of being an atheist.
The cognitive dissonance they’d suffer would amuse me.
2011 speech? Wendy Wright.
She seems pleasant enough, until she starts talking…
“Humans were created out of love by a loving creator”
David Icke. Then, everyone commits suicide.
I can’t wait to see Glam Beck sobbingly congratulating the newly hatched warriors in devotion to the oily one. They are so courageous, putting themselves out there for ridicule and persecution by the infidel hordes, running dogs of the atheist apocalypse that we are. (Our mothers were hamsters, and our fathers smelled of elderberries.)
My cod! Just when you think you have things under control, out springs another goddamn incendiary goat. Somebody needs to have a talk with Noah.
This was a very naturalistic post.
Duuuuhhhh.
They’re going to ask Anne Coulter. Surprised no one suggested her before.
Of course, they’ll have to slip her some LSD beforehand, so she’ll act crazy enough.
Oh, by the way, how’re yah feeling, P.Z.? The bruises from your Pharyngulation healing uip all right?
No, Beck’s not nearly as batshit insane as he appears to be, he’s just figured out that he can make more money by playing up all his crap this way, which is why his act has become more and more looney, with the crying and the chalkboard and increased shouting.
Which, IMO, is even worse, since if he actually was that crazy, he’d believe in the stuff. Instead, he’s trying to pass off a bunch of stuff that he knows isn’t true as the truth because it fits his political agenda.
Hmm, who else do I know of who does that… Oh yeah, the Discovery Institute.
How about Inhofe? He could stand there in the sweltering heat of a late spring afternoon in Southwestern Virginia and explain that, since we got snow last winter, AGW is a myth designed to destroy capitalism, Christianity and cars by substituting knowledge for Truth, black for white and peace for war.
(I’ve noticed that any time I try to parody radical right religious and political spiel, I end up with run on sentences.)
They could hire PZ to talk about video games.
I dunno .. I think Fred Phelps would make a fine choice for 2011.
@ 50,
Jeebus, now I need to go bleach my brain…..permanent yucky stains all over my hippocampi, thanks.
Ted Phelps in 2011, followed by Satan in 2012.
….WAIT! Maybe the apocalypse WILL happen in 2012!
Mahmoud Ahmadinejad would give just the right touch of authoritarianism Liberty University graduates truly hunger for.
Hard to say if Glenn Beck is insane or pretending to be insane. There is an old 70’s movie about exactly the same situation. Network, which I never saw.
Or he could have damaged his brain during his years of alcohol abuse. Same as Bush with his years of alchohol and drug abuse. That can happen. A friend from college did that. At the end, she didn’t recognize me. No big deal, she didn’t remember much of anything. Dead, in her 40’s.
Another thought, Victoria Jackson…
“David Icke. Then, everyone commits suicide.”
Alex P. wins!!! Fatality.
The difference between Lonesome Rhodes, Howard Beale and Glen Beck is that GB is a real person, while the others are fictions. What amazes me is not that he would try it, but that he would get away with it for this long.
Oh, you should add Elmer Gantry into that list also.
I second the Ann Coulter suggestion.
Deepak Chopra was denied access for fear of accidental earthquakes.
I’m gonna go with Britney Spears oddly enough. Why? Because she’s the perfect example for these young godders. She starts promoting herself as a wholesome virgin but at the same time makes suggestive videos. At some point she is rumored to be having sex and doing drugs and gradually admits to both, finally ending up with a kid and a self destructive streak a mile wide while turning into a full time media freak show. Eventually she drops out of sight. She’s the perfect example of why a life founded on hypocrisy and basic misunderstandings of human nature leads to disaster.
OK, or they could get the Iranian mullah who said women’s boobs cause earthquakes. It’s all good.
Is Professor Irwin Corey available?
I vote for Charles Manson.
Manson/Palin 2012! You know we deserve them!
The World’s Foremost Authority is still with us at age 95. However considering his left-wing views (he was blacklisted during the McCarthy era) I doubt he’d be welcome at Liberty U.
Initially I went with Deepak Chopra because, how much douche bagger-y could one exemplify? Loony, yes, but not quite deplorable enough…
Then Ray Comfort came to mind, as the exemplar of a stubborn loony obstinate. Ignorant idiot, stubborn to the core, unwilling to even consider scientific advances. Surely, one of the saddest (vocal) people in extant existence…
But, really, if the aim is to insult the newly minted graduates, who better than Elizabeth Cheney, clarion call of the uber right wing? Never mind that her “lifestyle choices” are in diametric opposition to the charter rules of the republican party… Um, not sure how to end that sentence. Basically she is a spokesperson for people that believe that she is going to hell [I thought my job was bad…].
If you take any Glenn Beck video, and play it back 50% faster, he sounds perfect for South Park. As much as I hate the likes of Bachmann, Comfort, Palin et al, no one else comes to mind as being as ready for a straitjacket.
I gotta agree . . . Fred Phelps. Then they’ll have no where to go.
Two words: Fred Phelps.
Although Shirley Phelps Roper would probably do just as well.
umm, Kirk Cameron probably has a slot open in 2011.
Oh, or maybe Charlie Manson could get a day pass.