Aaaah! Horrible wretched wicked story of faith and foreskins!

I happen to be male. I found myself unable to read the following story without feeling an urge to double over and cup my crotch, which was really awkward when sitting in a public coffee shop. So stop here if you are prone to sympathetic pains.

A man in British Columbia decided that he and his four year old son needed to be circumcised.

Already, half my readership has decided to flee to less cringe-inducing websites. That’s OK, just leave quietly, and close the door behind you.

All right, so he decides they both need to be circumcised. He tries it on himself first, and it’s a botch — only partly cut through, the dangling bit is turning black, it’s bleeding like a stuck pig, and he was probably in great pain — so he calls an ambulance and gets emergency assistance. It should have stopped there. He has already demonstrated that he is a dumbass, and he should know that this is a procedure he can’t do without serious risk of pain and injury. So stop, right? Don’t do it anymore!

This guy, though, because he is a world-class dumbass, does the unthinkable: he asks his little four year old son if he’d like to be just like daddy and get his wee-wee mangled by an incompetent hack. The kid says yes. He’s 4, he has an excuse. Dad doesn’t.

The man does have this tiny nudge of something approaching (but not quite reaching) common sense in his brain, so he does some research first.

The man later returned to the internet for more research and met some other religious fundamentalists, who were also dog breeders. They advised him they used a veterinary powder called BloodStop to halt any bleeding when they circumcised their 13-year-old son.

At $30 a bottle, Blood Stop was too expensive for the man. But during a trip to Washington state to celebrate Passover with a friend, the man found another more affordable product, called Wonder Dust, meant for horses.

Holy crap.

Is there some kind of underground network of fundy kooks practicing genital mutilation with veterinary coagulants or something? Are the police tracking down these dog breeders with a sideline in penis-chopping? This is more than just one lunatic, it’s a whole posse of weirdos with a biblical obsession with the ends of their pee-pees.

Anyway, here’s the sad part of the story: yes, Daddy got down and dirty with razor blades, horse blood clotter, and a chopping block with his innocent little kid. Since he has a pretense of humanity, he got the boy drunk first. And of course he botched his crude surgery, and his son would have ended up with a hideously deformed penis.

The good news is that social workers got word of what was done, swooped in and took the boy away, and he got repair work done at a real hospital, with real doctors. The father was charged and found guilty of negligence causing bodily harm.

Further enlightenment emerged:

…the B.C. Supreme Court heard that after a bad motorcycle accident in 2002 left both the man and his wife with brain injuries, he began the religious quest that eventually led him to believe that both he and son needed to be circumcised to celebrate Passover.

Religion and brain damage go together like milk and cookies, don’t they?