I got it first!

I’m not the only one who gets crazy email: Pam Spaulding got an excellent example of grade A wackaloonery, and at first I was a little jealous, until I looked more closely. It’s the same mail I got back in February! I’m still the champ!

It looks like somebody taught the poor fellow about paragraphs in the past month, which helps. It’s not in Comic Sans, either — I may have to give Pam a few suggestions.


  1. blueelm says

    I am convinced. The poor person needs medical attention. That is real live crazy.

  2. Bone Oboe says

    A pity the creature managed to save that document and thus, spread it around so easily. More’s the pity that someone else had to find that word-turd in their inbox.

  3. Bone Oboe says

    Blueelm said:

    “The poor person needs medical attention”

    I’m no Doctor, but how about a trepanation? He could be told that it’ll help let the crazy out of his head.

    Although, with someone who’s taken eye bulgine, mouth foaming nutsery to such extremes, you can’t be sure he hasn’t already drilled a couple holes in his head.

  4. Steve says

    If only we could harness the intensity of his beliefs and the effort he expended on this for something good.

  5. Bone Oboe says

    New mantra: “Proofread and preview, proofread and preview.”
    That was supposed to be “bulging.”

  6. Ian says

    Now all God wanted was Adam and Eve in the Garden of Eden and the animals on the earth.

    God is omniscient. Surely he must have known the eventual outcome.

    Then God went away and while he was gone Lucifer tried to get Eve to eat from the evil….Then they ran and hid from God….

    Where can an all-powerful, all-knowing, everywhere-at-the-same-time deity go where he can’t see what’s going on?

    Anyone with an IQ over 6.5 can see this is all fantasy-land story time.

    I won’t even touch the rest of that crap. Makes my brain hurt.

  7. JamesR says

    Oh yeah the “Morphadites” guy. Neanderthal= having sex with a Gorilla. Cro-magnum= having sex with a Gorilla.
    The sheer insanity of it puts it in an atmosphere with the truly disturbed. It’s like a bad rash. You can’t help but to scratch it.

    LOL That is just so weird. I am glad he/she learned to use paragraphs. Too bad he isn’t on tour reading from his book or giving talks. Man that would be a scene I wouldn’t pass up.

  8. says

    “If only we could harness the intensity of his beliefs and the effort he expended on this for something good.”

    Fiction-writing. But I am a bit concerned that it may turn out slightly racist if this person ever decides to do so.

  9. Psychodigger says

    I read this crap on this blog when it was published here, but I forgot the sheer magnitude of the stupidity. It just boggles the mind. Who teaches idiots like this to read and write? My much beloved spouse often askes me why I have to be so belligerent about my atheism, my conviction that the natural laws explain everything and that religious people need to be opposed, but, well, I just rest my case at this one. This just takes the cake as far as I´m concerned. How can anyone read this (even granting that of course few religious people are morons of this magnitude by far) and not begin to muse whether electroshock-therapy is maybe not such a bad idea after all? This person needs urgent help!

  10. Primewonk says

    Holy Freaking Shit Batman!

    I’m betting that this dude has some serious problems having a normal sexual relationship. Hell, I’m betting he has serious problems with abnormal sexual relationships.

    The stupid is strong with this one.

  11. Psychodigger says

    I mean, people mating with gorillas to produce black people? Cutting out tongues to prevent people from speaking english? When was this? And if this god person is so perfect, how come people are even capable of mating with gorillas?

  12. Don says

    I like Ricky Gervais’s take on the serpent story, especially when Eve hides her nakedness and god says, ‘Hey, I was looking at them.’

  13. Lilo says

    Re: James (#10) It’s Cro Magnon. It’s a cave in southwestern France where interesting fossils and tools were found. I was pretty sure PZ was being pwnd with this one until I remembered having to respond to a letter from a person in Sweden who wanted to know what the University of Utah Department of Anatomy was doing to research the sex of atoms and how they reproduced. I was the librarian and got all the good jobs. I concocted something about the proper source for such information was the Department of Physics. About a year later I got a work-study job as the librarian for the Department of Physics and then guess what letters were passed to me? Yup the Swedish sexing of atoms person ones. There is no escape from those folks.

  14. Phillip IV says

    Utterly fascinating mess.

    Yet the theology involved – if you want to call it that – seems vaguely familiar…it almost sound like Catharism in places, in fact. I wonder whether there’s an influence there, or whether it’s a case of convergent evolution…

  15. Daenyx says

    You know, I facepalmed along with everyone else the first time I saw this, but I begin to suspect a prank/troll.

  16. Strangebrew says

    It is on the SOP website …as mentioned in message #13.

    It has gotta be a Poe!

    Anyone that screwed in the head would have been humanely put down by now….

    Mind you…Ham …Comfort…Donkeyhue to name a but a select few are still tip toeing through the tulips so anything is possible.

    I would be tempted to guess these bozos evolved from slime…but slime would have selected for its significant advantage in IQ…so that cannot be the answer!

    If not a poe then someone is in deep deep doo doo!

    Mind you if he has sex with his own flesh to avoid the closer then close problem…he is extinct in one generation…so there is a bright lining to that cloud and we must praise de lawd for his wisdom in this matter!

    Sheesh!…pass the drugs I am fading from this world!

  17. says

    I am still in awe (horrified disbelieving awe) of that e-mail. I tell everyone about it whenever evolution or anything even remotely related comes up because the horror lessens a little bit with every sharing of the tale…

  18. Janine, Insulting Sinner says

    Dammit PZ! I have done a great job of suppressing my memory of reading that bit of insanity. You had to remind me again.

    Well, I am not being fair. I am a regular reader of Pam’s House Blend. I would have had that shock of recognition anyways.

    siMon, hunt the composer of this letter and convince that his view is christianity is bad.

  19. Strangebrew says


    Yep it is fairly surely of the same insanity…and so good he posted it five times!

    Way ta go “Billy Simons of VA”

    But he is not really threatening anyone…just gives slight migraines trying to follow the ‘logic’

    Methinks sick puppy is ‘aving a giggle…still think it is a Poe!

  20. aratina says

    #25 … Oops. “araa” should have been me. Just a little thought: could this guy be our recently dungeoned Simon troll who popped up again today?

  21. Strangebrew says


    Just a little thought: could this guy be our recently dungeoned Simon troll who popped up again today?

    Nope far to eloquent!

  22. 'Tis Himself says


    I had forgotten Mr. “they cut their tongues so they couldn’t speak English.” Did you ever reply to him?

  23. PeterKarim says

    Ow he has discovered the “Enter” key on his keyboard between February 13 and March 23 :)

  24. TheNaturalist says

    I love that rube that you put on the background of quotes from various wackaloons, PZ. How did you come up with that?

  25. NewEnglandBob says

    Well, that mentally diseased letter write DOES have one good point.

    SOME people need to stop procreating (like him)!

    But one of his last lines is hilarious:

    I suggest that you stop creating and tell your children when they grow up not to create.

    Does he not understand that if you don’t (pro)create, you can not tell your children anything?

  26. DGKnipfer says

    You’d think with that level of stupit his brain would burn out by now. Then again, maybe it has.

  27. Morsky says

    There’s probably some sort of Ideal Platonic Lunatic E-Mail floating about in the pandimensional sea of Lunacy, and all e-mails by religion-crazed wingnuts are just feeble copies of it, beamed into their puny minds by Azathoth, the Blind Idiot God (or God of Blinded Idiots). :-D This one is a pretty faithful reproduction.

  28. says

    The only appropriate response to this wondrous email is pointing accompanied by uncontrollable laughter. Anyone capable of writing something like this in sincerity is utterly beyond all hope of reason.

  29. JamesR says

    You caught it
    Curses foiled again. When will they learn to accept the Cro-magnum means sex with Gorilla meme
    Hmmm?? The Swedish sexing of Atoms? Would that be atomic sex?

  30. Longtime Lurker says

    “Eat the Evil” would be a great band name.

    Watch out for morfodites!

  31. Religion™ Brand Brain Staples says

    Headline news: PZ Myers defends title as #1 kook magnet.

    Someone needs to make him a championship belt.* He could show it off next he palling around with Dawkins.

    “Former Charles Simonyi Chair holder at Oxford, eh? Very impressive… but I bet you don’t have one of these!”

    Keep attracting those kooks, PZ, you never know when the next challenger for your title will appear. Plus it lights them up like little targets for the community to deploy judicious amounts of Reason and Evidence (aka Science) against.

    *Or possibly a medal. Reading what he’s put up with over the last year (years, sure but I haven’t read back THAT far) I think he deserves one…

  32. Doug Little says

    The Naturalist,

    Monty Python’s Flying Circus.

    All I can say is that I hope this guy can’t buy lethal weapons.

  33. says

    At least we can hope for this looney to truly believe in what he’s rambling about – as in that case he won’t spread his futile genes no further LOL ;-)

  34. says

    Truly fascinating and much more organized and internally consistent than the average ravings found online.

    In fact, I found it more internally consistent than most mainstream religious dogma.

    My vote is for a Poe.

  35. says

    There’s plenty more online from this guy, just Google “Hillbillie Bill” & “Billy Simons” for numerous postings by him, all from the same cut & paste source.

    Here’s a taste of bigfoot:

    “Billy Simons says:
    The film that Roger Patterson made in 1967 in California of Bigfoot is real. Here is what Bigfoot is. Long before Jesus was born there were thousands of slaves that ran off around the world and started their own countries. When they left there was a large group of men and boys who took off and ended up in Africa. When they got to Africa some of these men and boys caught female Orangutans and took them to South America and had sex with them and created the American Indian. The men and boys who stayed in Africa caught female Gorillas and had sex with them and created the Black man. When scientists found the bones they thought we evolved from a female Chimpanzee. But it wasn’t a natural evolution it was a man made evolution. That’s where Bigfoot, Sasquatch, Yeti, Orangutan man and the Skunk Ape comes from. They are half man and half Gorilla and half man and half Orangutan. They use to call the American Indian the red man. The Orangutan has redish or orange hair. When those men bred out the hair the Indian’s skin remained red. The Gorilla has black skin and hair. When those men bred out the hair the Black man’s skin remained black. These are not prehistoric creatures from millions of years ago but they are man made creatures from several thousand years ago. The creature that Roger Patterson filmed in 1967 was half man and half Gorilla. So these creatures are real. But they are simply man made creatures.

    Hillbillie Bill
    February 24, 4:51 PM

  36. says

    Here’s one without a single mention of god, incest or bigfoot, showing how the message is tailored for its audience. More evidence of a Poe rather than a True Believer.

    “This is a message for Regis (Philbin) and Kelly (Ripa). The world’s population is now 6.8 Billion people. Experts predict that by the year 2050 the world’s population will be 9.1 Billion people. That will be an increase of 2.3 Billion people in just 41 years. The U.S. population is now 305,000,000 people. The U.S. had an increase of 11,000,000 people from 2003 to 2008. That means if 1,000,000 people committed suicide every year for the next 5 years the U.S. population would still increase by 6,000,000 people. Japan has already cut their people back to one child per family. And even then their population will still continue to increase. Scientists have already said that there is a hole in the ozone layer. We have poverty, starvation, global warming and a hole in the ozone layer because we are over populated. The higher the population gets the worse things are. When this earth gets over populated with about 50,000,000,000 people and the ozone layer is gone your future generations will suffer hell like they’ve never suffered hell before. Do the word’s “STARVATION” and “CANNIBALISM” mean anything? There are only two ways to stop this from happening. The first way is to stop creating and tell your children when they grow up not to create. If you have to, take them to a doctor and have something done to prevent them from reproducing. The second way is to thin out the herd. Get the Government of each country to let whoever wants to commit suicide do it. The Government can help with assisted suicide. People commit suicide anyway. So why not help them. If you or your future generations don’t do something to stop the over population problem then I’m afraid your future generations will simply breed themselves to death. Make sure Regis and Kelly read this. Spread this message to the entire world. Byeyouall,”
    Hillbillie Bill Jan 2, 2009

  37. eddie says

    One of the commenters over there hinted at the truth. The emailer heard that battlestar was ending and is proposing a new serial.
    Gotta give them credit for listening to their paragraph-loving critics.

  38. tim Rowledge says

    Cro-magnum= having sex with a Gorilla.

    Fool! Every knows that Cro-magnum comes from having sex with Tom Selleck. And the result is a larger, more powerful bore ;-)

  39. Donovan says

    Ow. I think my brain just hemoraged. Oh, oh jeebus. Oh, ow, ow. That hurt so bad to even try following. Must…read…Sagan! ehhh…gfhd…sjsa..

  40. gaypaganunitarianagnostic says

    Cruel, linking to Time Cube was CRUEL. It took me several minutes to get my eyes uncrossed

  41. Paul D says

    Well……… At least he got that overpopulation is a problem. Can’t say he got much else lol.

  42. Carole says

    If Adam and Eve had no notions of evil or sin or anything supposedly affiliated – envy, greed, etc., how could they have been tempted by Lucifer in the first place? Wouldn’t they have had no desire or understanding of power or eternal life or whatever it is that might tempt ordinary beings not wholly made of goodness? I’m confused.
    I’m beginning to question the merit of this whole genesis story…

  43. nmcvaugh says

    Morsky | 35

    There’s probably some sort of Ideal Platonic Lunatic E-Mail floating about in the pandimensional sea of Lunacy, and all e-mails by religion-crazed wingnuts are just feeble copies of it, beamed into their puny minds by Azathoth, the Blind Idiot God (or God of Blinded Idiots). :-D This one is a pretty faithful reproduction.

    Somebody should tag and release this specimen, and then see where it goes to spawn. Reverse the order of a few sentences to act as a tag, and then use google to track it. Document its lonely migration through the net.

  44. Evangelatheist says

    @Avenel #38

    Wow! That time cube is a black hole of stupid. I felt like I was channeling every creotard that is, has been or will be.

  45. 'Tis Himself says

    tell your children when they grow up not to create. If you have to, take them to a doctor and have something done to prevent them from reproducing.

    Take them to an opthamologist and have them fitted with black rimmed glasses. These are a sure birth control measure.

  46. chupa says

    Can’t we all just admit that this ridiculous kook, even the 2nd time reading it, still makes more sense without alluding to his high school alma mater than certain previous posters here?? :)

  47. says


    Yup. That’s why time cube is used as a unit of crackpottery. 1.0 timecube is maximum crackpottery, I’d say this fellow runs about 0.3 time cube.

  48. NoEtherealsAllowed says

    I know it’s a little late for this, but I must say…
    What a fucking nut case! After reading most of it, I decided that the author of this correspondence has not personally read the book of Genesis. It is truly scary what some folk will believe and/or say.

  49. elbuho says

    “Jesus came from Mary having sex with a Roman soldier while Joseph was off fighting in a war.”

    It’s the Gospel According to Monty Python!!!

  50. Nick says

    What are you kids talking about? That story was fantastic.

    An obvious troll, but an incredibly creative one.

  51. JoeBlotto says

    I’m “tolerant” of a lot of crazy people, in that I would ridicule them but not cause actual harm to them, but if I met that person on the street I would execute them on the spot and move on with my life.

  52. catgirl says

    What’s amazing is that the paragraph spacing implies that he actually re-read his rant and didn’t think the content needed any editing. Usually when people go off on a rant, they will read it later and realize it needs some revising (this is why you should always re-read angry e-mails before sending), but this guy is completely oblivious to how crazy he sounds.

  53. faithless says

    “God went away for a while.” (from the Garden of Eden)

    He did? Where – shopping? Catch a Mets game? Nip up to Scandinavia for a little bit of fjord sculpting? Isn’t he – um – omnipresent?

    What is so humorous is the steady deliberation and plain language as the setting for such moonish concepts…