Bible lessons

Everyone reads Genesis, the racy bits in the Song of Solomon, the various Jesus tales in the Gospels, and when you’re really stoned, Revelation. But what about those more obscure chapters, where some old time prophet with a funny polysyllabic name raves against extinct city-states and tribes who haven’t followed his preferred bizarre ritual?

Don’t waste your time slogging through archaic language to read them in the Bible. Let Jay Pinkerton do your summarizing and interpreting for you.

There is some crazy stuff in those books, I tell you.


  1. gorckat says

    Being new to Pinkerton, can I get a NSFW, please :P

    Can’t wait to get home now- I’m already chuckling at the intro.

  2. says

    You know, if God existed, he would probably strike Pinkerton down for his effrontery. Pinkerton’s continued existence is a strong argument against the Big Guy.

    I guess we can look forward to further trenchant analyses by Pinkerton of those wacky OT texts, the prospect of which fills our hearts with joy. Why not have a little fun redacting old fables from the Bible? I mean, isn’t everybody doing it?

  3. Scrofulum says

    At least you knew where you were with the old testament God. None of this limp-wristed, wishy-washy, philosophising, parable-quoting, metaphor-creating do-gooder of a God. More like an angry MR T of a GOD.

    “You praying to someone else sucka! I’m gonna dash yo fools kids head on the rocks! Learn you good!”

  4. says

    I like the way he cuts out all of the framing from the Bible and cuts right to the chase;)

    Pinkerton’s take on the book of Obediah was pure class, more of Judahman please!

  5. Grimmstail says

    Brick Testament is funny. I think there is a different sexual position used for each depiction of the act. Hmmm, maybe they could do a lego Kama Sutra next…

    The Holy Bibble is also funny.

  6. NonyNony says

    By the way – with the Brick Testament, click on “The Parables of Jesus” and then “Use of Parables Explained”. The editing is a bit creative, but the example is right from the book and shows one of those “Jesus isn’t as nice and fuzzy as everyone wants to claim he is” moments from the NT. The Lego pictures make it especially creepy because the apostles look kinda thuggish in the last picture.

  7. Venger says

    Been reading into the different religions and I’ve reversed my opinion on which testament god is the biggest monster. Like most people I used to think old testament for sure. I mean old testament god kills people left, right and center, which sucks for those people being eaten by bears or those children having their brains bashed out on the rocks by the victorious Hebrews. But, the Jews don’t really have a concept of an afterlife, or a hell, at least not in a spiritual sense, they believe they may suffer up to a year in Gehenna getting purified, a few moments in heaven getting judged, and then they apparently get put on hold in their graves till they are born again on Earth after the rise of the true messiah in a world now perfectly peaceful. So worst case the old testament god tends to use abrupt and short term punishment compared to the new testament god. Now the new testament god is a real piece of work, he claims he’ll forgive everything, that he loves all of us, but he proposes ETERNAL damnation without reprieve, experiencing the most horrific torture imagineable for even the simple sin of doubt. And once you are sent to hell you no longer matter because new testament god washes his hands of you. Forget the fact ideas like free will make no sense at all in the face of an omniscient/omnipotent being and basically you end up in the position of having been created to suffer eternally in hell. At least old testament god just killed you, new testament god seems to like the idea of punishment for no purpose other than punishment. Cause you can’t learn anything from the experience, you just suffer forever the end.

    The Jews offer one more interesting spiritual idea that Christianity cast aside, to be good because of hope for reward or fear of punishment is the act of an ignorant child. You can’t be truly good if you fear punishment or hope for reward, that’s selfish.

  8. firemancarl says

    I laughed so damn hard during the Book of Jonha, that i was actually crying and couldn’t breathe.

  9. xebecs says

    It’s something I’ve wondered about before: What is the serious, scholarly theologically-minded take on a book like Micah? How do Jews view it differently from Christians? How was it significant enough to make it into these holy books in the first place?

    Repeat, ad nauseum, for the -iah books.

  10. Inky says

    I am bookmarking his site. A perusal through the other rooms on his website brought forth some spectacularly funny blog entries, and this absolute, sparkling gem:

    For me, the best proof I can think of that God doesn’t exist is that we can get cancer of the anus, but that something incredibly useful like idiot cancer or frothing zealot cancer doesn’t exist. If there really is a God, I’d love to tell him: you’re punishing the wrong assholes.

  11. says

    You might also like to listen to Mike Earl’s audiobooks Bible Stories Your Parents Never Taught You ( Very fun stuff! And free (though a donation is appreciated). :)

  12. Nevyn says

    Other than not knowing a damn thing about who atheists are (“atheism is a belief system”-gack!), what they argue (“atheists say no god can exist”-bleck!) or what constitutes a philosophical argument (“a case can be made on both sides for burden of proof”-sigh . . . all this in The Book Of Haggai) his stuff is brilliant.

  13. MIchael X says

    It’s satire the way I like it. Namely, the way I write it. I also appreciate the subtle nod to Eddie Izzard in the Noah’s Ark, god shaking his giant etch-a-sketch, bit. I’ve been giggling all nite. I don’t usually giggle, but my girlfriend is on the phone and I don’t want to disturb her with constant belly laughing.

    Though I do have to agree with Nevyn, the philosphy aspect leaves a bit to be desired. Yet all in all, a very, very funny page.

  14. arachnophilia says

    you kidding? we’re lucky if the fundies read the major prophets. i’ve become quickly aware that nobody actually reads the book of kings, for instance. all that “sin of jeroboam” stuff gets old quick, i admit, and it’s a pretty stale writing style — but you’d be surprised to note how many christians don’t know that judah and israel were separate countries, separated by civil war.

    actually, i’ve been feeling lucky if i talk to a fundamentalist these days who’s read the gospels. seriously, it’s that bad — all they ever talk about is the first few chapters of genesis, and the epistles of paul.