E-cards are annoying. Now what if you had e-cards that looked like they’d been drawn by a first-grader, that contain extraordinarily cheesy tinky-boop music that sounds like it came off a first generation Nintendo, and that recited hokey lies at you? You’d have Christian evolution e-cards. These are guaranteed to turn your brain to mush with prolonged exposure. The lack of talent and stupidity on display will make you sorrow for your impoverished Christian brethren, as well.
Don’t miss the marriage e-cards, especially the one about how wives must submit!
(If you are thinking about sending any of these e-cards to me, don’t bother: the source is already in my junk mail filter.)
(Blame Narciblog)
Awesome stuff. Especially the one where the student asks the teacher to explain the human eyeball. Yowza!
Reject everything a priori…thats how you make a good xtian.
Oh, but — Christian cards get so much worse.
I love the irony of the first one. A sciency type man proclaims “Everyone knows evolution is real!” Then Santa Claus slides into frame and says: “Ho ho ho. I bet you believe in me too.”
Right. Accepting a scientific theory backed up by mounds of data and accepted worldwide by anyone not a religious nutcase, that’s like believing in a fictional person, not gathering in empty halls to sing the praises of an entity never seen, heard, or demonstrated to exist in all of human history.
Some people claim religion doesn’t technically qualify as a delusion. I invite them to explain how such a severe detachment from reality can be termed anything other than delusional.
#2
Ugh, damn you’re right! A lot worse!
Beware, though, particularly if you’re not evolved highly enough to use a Mac 8-P…
Many e-card mailings are actually attempts to get you to install malware on your system. It’s depressing to see how often such crude attempts work, much like the folks who after getting dozens of offers of Nigerian stolen millons, AND being repeatedly warned, decide “Oh, this one must be real!” and end up getting taken for thousands…
In my case, a nice person I work with (total fundie ‘Oooh Y2K is the End Times’ nut, though she doesn’t push it on people, which is how she stays on the ‘nice’ list) came to me with one allegedly from the widow of the former Nigerian dictator, all larded up with pleas to help a Poor Good Christian Woman smuggle her dead husbands stolen millions out of the country.
“Oh, this poor lady…is this real, Bruce?”
The banging sound heard soon afterwards was my head on the desk…I’d repeatedly outlined the many dangers of email viruses and spam, and had talked about the Nigerian scam explicitly to the faculty and staff.
Fortunately, we now use SpamAssasin on our mail server and that 80% of all e-mail that is junk goes straight to /dev/null. Makes our lives much easier.
I dislike e-cards with a passion. They’re just so e-corny.
Damn, another good scientific theory blasted apart by e-cards.
Quite sad that people make these and think they’ll have an inpact, actually.
Hmmm…atheist E-cards that say stuff like this:
Nah, E-cards are annoying.
OMG PZ, it’s ALL YOUR FAULT. Now my daughter won’t talk to me for a week! I sent her the Adult Fairy Tale and the creationist quiz. I was laughing so hard there were TEARS running from my eyes. I especially like after the end when the devil pops out from behind the book and says “I love this stuff!”
This is the one situation where I want to believe something in spite of the evidence. Surely people can’t really think this way.
Also, I was really expecting jesus to follow santa claus.
Strawmen + Preaching to the choir = E-cards
When I was about 8 years old, I became an atheist (even though I wasn’t out of the closet for 2 more years.
One reason for my rejecting god had to do with Santa Claus. To whit:
Santa Claus is not real.
My parents & society as a whole lied to me (and all children) about this fact.
Santa Claus makes more sense than god. The alleged properties of Santa Claus are more likely to exist than the alleged properties of god.
If the probability of Santa Claus existing is essentially zero, then the chance for god existing is even closer to zero.
My parents & society as a whole are lying to me, and to themselves, about the existence of god. This has huge consequences on how one must relate to the world.
When I was 10 years old, Batman debuted on TV with two episodes a week. The only connection I really had with church at that time was singing in the choir, and choir practice was Thursday evening, which coincided with the concluding half of Batman.
As Batman made much more sense than god, I chose Batman. I stepped out of the closet.
I think my favorite cards are the “Apostasy” collection, for your christian friends who are not quite christian enough.
But where are the musical, “You’re going to burn in hell for eternity cards”, I wonder?
How about some godless E-cards? I’m sure the more creative
amongst us could come up with some unique ideas.
I beg to differ, Jessica (#2): the “pro-life abortion” e-cards, while smarmy and condescending, at least look professional, and seem like some thought went into them. Those “Christian evolution” and “Christian marriage” e-cards, while also smarmy and condescending, are also embarrassingly unprofessional. In addition to being wrong, they are also stupid, and both in an emphatically mediocre manner.
I wonder, though, under what circumstances one is supposed to find appropriate to send these sorts of things. The “pro-life abortion” e-cards at least appear to have a target audience; these others are another story entirely.
I must admit, by the way, that I do not automatically condemn all e-cards. When used sparingly and tastefully, they can be quite touching.
My two favorites are “the Big Bang”: “In the Beginning there was Nothing. All this is from ??Nothing??” and then a cut to “In the beginning God Created the Heaven and the Earth”. Uh, from nothing…?
In the marriage, I liked the “non-christrian marriage” card. At least they’re calling ’em as they see ’em. narrow-minded bigots….
You atheists think you’re so superior. I challenge you to develop an e-card of your own that is less creative than the ones you’re mocking. Just try!
I prefer the e-cards at
http://www.someecards.com/
“You atheists think you’re so superior. I challenge you to develop an e-card of your own that is less creative than the ones you’re mocking. Just try!”
Posted by: ken
You got us there ken!
I got a headache even trying.
.
Those are parody, right? Right?
This is deeply disturbing. Here I was, cheerfully residing in my state of blissful nonbelief, when — whammo! — PZ unleashes these Christian e-cards on us. Truly these are the work of the devil.
Now that I believe in the devil, I am conflicted and no longer as secure about the nonexistence of the anti-Satan.
According to the last tract, the Big Bang literally “pooped” into existence!
Ohh, the inanity!
I am totally unable to meet the other ken’s challenge for less creativity — dude.
Note: I’m the Ken from Kent, not that other ken. I only wish I had posted that, the level of snarky irony was perfect. My longitude/latitude hat is off to you.
Ken
Oh that reallywasbad. Even worse than I expected. The evolution cards are bad and the marriage cards are worse.
In light of the “Homosexual Marriage” in which the devil says “Till Death do you part” and then flames rise and Leviticus 18:22 appears, I suggest they produce as “Blended Fabrics” card.
A young man and woman will be in an orchard eating nectarines and the man says “Eating Nectarines in these cotton-woolen blend overalls is great!” Then flames pop up and a scroll unrolls reading:
“Thou shalt not let thy cattle gender with a diverse kind: thou shalt not sow thy field with mingled seed: neither shall a garment mingled of linen and woollen come upon thee. Leviticus 19:19”
I don’t know if these are satire or not. It’s a sad commentary that so many people of faith express it in such kitschy, careless ways I can’t even tell. Fuck, Bach wrote some of the greatest music in history to celebrate his faith, some of the greatest paintings ever made are in celebration of faith, and this crap is the best these bozos can come up with?
So what do I do if my husband tells me he wants hookers and blow for dinner? I guess I submit.
Thanks, I just sent the ‘Wives Submit’ card to my wife. I cannot wait for her reaction. HA
Jaycubed (#19) is right. Read the apostacy cards. Damning liberals (hit by lightning!), Catholics, and Jews. These people are despicable.
these cards and the people that put them out are pathetic I really don’t know what else to say about them other than they have reaffirmed my being a ATHEIST
#28: I’m assuming that either (a) Mark’s wife has a good sense of humor or (b) Mark is a masochist yearning for a beating.
Can he grunt “meat and potatoes” in that Neanderthal tone used in the e-card?
Aw man, I got all excited when I saw the words “Adult Fairy Tale”. Don’t know what I was expecting…
My personal preference was the New World Order cards, probably because I’m one of those evil hell bound people who lives only to persecute christians. ;^)
Ewwww… fundazombie cooties!
Needs a MINBD (May Irritate the Non-Braindead) tag.
The ‘Divorce’ card has got to be my favorite. Apparently, if a woman’s husband is a dick then she has to fornicate with another man to get rid of him.
Take a look at the “New World” and the “Entertainment” (esp. movies “I’m going to go home and put a spell on my boss”) sections as well.
There’s something incompitently amusing about the voice acting. The “Can I date someone who doesn’t believe in Jesus?” “NO” is amusing but nothing is better than “Meat and Potatoes”. (Although, “There is no God” “Hey, what’s happening” “sizzle” is pretty good too.)
I tested out the “Liberal Gospel” one. I said, “You can’t believe everything you read in the Bible,” and I waited for lightning to strike. None did. Maybe it only works if you’re outside.
I was hoping the “New World” section would offer some clarification on why America isn’t mentioned in the Bible, but instead it turned out to be demented and frightening, “Persecution” in particular.
AHAHAHA THEY’RE LIKE ANIMATED CHICK TRACTS.
OMFG. Those were so painful (and crudely drawn) that I genuinely could not make it past the first two evolution cards. I thought briefly of sending one to my (also atheist, geology-professor) father, but thought I’d spare him the sheer pain represented therein.
Ouch.
Brain bleach, please?
I’ll bet you $50 that the creator of those ecards at one point owned one of those fake singing bass on a plaque things.
(Hey… could I create a knock-off aimed at fundies?)
I took a look at their “Terms of Use”. They include this little gem:
ChristiaNet, Inc. shall have the sole discretion to terminate your access to the Christian Community for any reason at any time.
Even the Pope only claims the right to terminate some of your access to one particular part of the Christian Community! Christians, beware: you could end up super-duper-excommunicated if you use these guys’ services…
(And no, there is no special definition there for “the Christian Community”.)
Watch the fine print, if you use one of these, you are automatically put into their system to e-mail with updates and such. Make sure you nip that in the bud right away.
I sent the one about obeying your husbands to my wife, I expect to be able to hear her from across town when she opens it sometime tomorrow…without her using the cell.
Amazingly, the voices are worse than the graphics.
The people behind this should have known better than to get a bunch of second-grade dropouts to read the cue cards.
“AHAHAHA THEY’RE LIKE ANIMATED CHICK TRACTS.”
Posted by: Chinchillazilla
Oh Please! Chick tracts are at least creative and competently drawn despite their similiar world views.
Chick tracts are fun to read. These are so incredibly lame that they are painful to read.
For virgins who don’t know what we’re talking about:
http://www.chickcomics.com/
At least we know that there will be comics in hell.
Check out the ‘hilarious’ cards for a whole new definition of the word. And is this just me, or is there something disturbing about the … um … nether regions of the tiger in the Have a Terrific Day ‘hilarious’ card?
If you check out “Pride” and “Obedience,” you’ll also notice how certain other traditional values are reinforced:
– Who’s that too busy watching TV to care for his baby, who is crying on the floor? It’s the black guy! Oh, when will they learn?
– Who’s that too busy working to accompany her daughter to church? It’s the woman! What, did she expect her husband to do it for her? “Meat and potatoes!”
– Who’s that rude and arrogant prick who’s going to hell? It’s the Asian guy! Ha ha, let’s see your honors student son or daughter get you out of this one!
(Note: sarcastic entertainment purposes only.)
Craig,
I’ll bet you $50 that the creator of those ecards at one point owned one of those fake singing bass on a plaque things.
(Hey… could I create a knock-off aimed at fundies?)
Singing Jesus on a cross? “Always Look on the Bright Side of Life”?
and I thought they were opposed to women fornicating….
Interesting…I live in Thailand and it appears that the government has blocked the “chicks” website. It probably contains some anti-Buddhist stuff.
Thanks. I was wondering what kind of anti-feminist sentiment was involved in mysterious “chick tracts”.
Gad! I haven’t seen these since college. Weird, they seem more hateful and nasty than I remember. (I remember them being hideously self righteous but not so much hateful. Maybe I was bending over backwards to acknowledge my viewpoints might be as offensive to others as theirs were to me– then again I never so the anti-christian and anti-islaam tracts when I was in college.)
What I found scary about that one was the smug little smile on the “saved ones” face when the arrogant prick went to hell.
Yeah, but then again it was the black woman who responded “I’m sorry to hear that” when the white women phoned that she and her boyfriend were living together.
I think I’m going to start using “Beware the polyblends. Lev. 19:19” as my signature.
Blech, ptooeyy, phewyy, braaaap – my take on the e-card site. We’ve been challenged… by a xtian? Oh puleeze! #19 “ken” needs to start surfing more than just the xtian and the porno sites!
#19 “ken”, when you graduate from grade school to middle school, perhaps you will be old enough to comprehend what you think you know versus what you are being told to know.
Could I get an opinion on which state is the source of the accent of the ‘Meat and Potatoes’ voice actor? Mphh. He said actor.
The closest I can come is Gomer Pyle, but I don’t even know which state his accent might have been from.
Is there a better word than stupidity for this kind of witless self parody?
Hows bout:
I’m sorry about your miscarriage/stillbirth/trisomy/died within days pregnancy.
But don’t grieve, it was all part of God’s Plan(tm).
don’t miss the quiz page, where they show you all of the shady scammy shit they’re really trying to get people to bite on.
It’s comedy gold! I love how the voice… “actors”, as I suppose we must call them, read their scripts with all the enthusiasm and naturalness of kids forced to participate in the School Talent Show. The art, too, is a real tribute to the techonological capability of MS Paint.
My favorite is the flying pig one. I like how they had to add the “Not!” as the final “kicker”, lest… I dunno, lest card recipients with busted sarascometers not get the joke.
Gotta love the “ethnic salvation” card. Every good Christian knows that they need to keep those icky Jews out of heaven.
Yeesh.
Oh, jews can go to heaven. The just have to accept Jesus as their savior and dedicate their lives to him.
Erm… “sarcasmometer”.
If you think the cards are scary, click on the “Blog” button and read some of the entries. It’s like reading letters from inmates at the asylum. Seriously disturbing stuff.
#56
Ah, makes perfect sense. Too bad about all those people born before Jesus. Guess they’re just screwed.
Maybe they’re not so bad. I notice that they have “free love” e-cards.
As a Southerner, I was horrified to hear the goober Southern male voice say, “Meat ‘n’ potatoes.” (Not all of us are such idiots. I’m surprised he didn’t end with a Gomer Pyle laugh.) As a woman, I wanted the badly drawn wife to say, “Then you’d better get the grill out for yourself, honey, because I fixed tuna salad.”
For some reason, this makes me think of the Christian kitsch that showed up in an office gag gift exchange one Christmas. I ended up with a gilded white plastic battery-powered cross about 8-9 inches tall that sang the Hallelujah Chorus every time you picked it up. Was hysterical and was ideal for sarcasm purposes every time I got a heinous assignment from my boss.
Oh, poop. Now I have to go back and look again after reading all these comments. I stopped after the Tiger card in the “hilarious” section.
John: Oh, look, Mary! Tommy sent us a card just to tell us to have a wonderful day!
Mary: How sweet of him!
John: Get this, though – it has a tiger waving, and the tiger’s – heh, heh, heh – wearing a SHIRT!!
Mary: Goodness! That’s so funny I think I just peed my panties!
OK, so on the list of things that don’t exist:
Santa Claus, Easter bunny, leprechauns.
On the list of things that can be clearly shown to exist:
heritable variation within populations, competition for resources, differential reproductive success….
And the xian explanation for the diversity of life belongs in which list?
This is why we must fund scientific research for missionaries so that they may invent time machines and bring the truth to the pre-Jesus world.
The good news is that not all of us athiests are going to hell; just the one’s who haven’t accepted Jesus as our personal savior and lord.
OooooOOO!!!
….(*disappointed*) oh.
The next one’s even funnier! It’s an Indian sending smoke signals! See! It says “Hi Friend”. ’cause you’re my friend!
This one’s interesting considering their take on evolutions. Click on Friendship::Funny and select “Free Funny Faces”. A Camera claims to be “New Internet Technology”. It flashes and then shows the face of a monkey! Gotcha!!!
LeeLeeOne – I’m pretty sure Ken was making a joke, since his challenge was that he didn’t think anyone could be less creative than the ecards.
Right. Accepting a scientific theory backed up by mounds of data and accepted worldwide by anyone not a religious nutcase, that’s like believing in a fictional person, not gathering in empty halls to sing the praises of an entity never seen, heard, or demonstrated to exist in all of human history.
Posted by: H. Humbert | June 16, 2007 12:54 PM
Hey, I resemble that remark! In fact, I like to tell FCes (no, not feces, not Frickin’ Christians, but Fundamentalist Cookoos) that at least I have some tangible evidence for Santa: I found presents under the christmas tree addressed to me from him! I have concrete evidence of the tooth fairy as well. No miracle from god, yet.
Yes Pat Robertson, there is a Santa Claus!
I hadn’t realised people evolved from rocks.
Reminds me of the South Park episode where the priest tried to sign up the boys to take part in the stations of the cross re-enactment thingy.
Kyle: But I’m Jewish!
Priest: You’re not too Jewish to believe in Jesus, are you?
Kyle: I guess not.
I kind of like the way they figure Catholics are not Christians.
I never thought anyone could make Jack Chick look subtle and artistic. Guess I was wrong.
Hey everyone,
I saw the comments about ecards and since I quite like them I thought I would add a quick comment. One of the main reasons as to why I like ecards is because I think they are more environmentally friendly. I think we can all do that little bit extra to try and help save the planet. Whether that be the little things, such as making sure all water taps are properly turned off when you leave the kitchen or bathroom, switching all your electrical appliances off instead of standby. I do all these, but I have also changed the way I send greetings cards. The amount of paper birthday cards, and Christmas cards we send every I was shocked to think at how much money I was spending, and the amount of resources I was using. To change my ways, I have now become a bit of a fan of e-Cards. I think they are such a good way to help the environment, no paper required, so less trees to be cut down! This has to be a good thing! I have done my research and I have finally come across a really good Environmentally Friendly e-Card site. One of the things I like about this site is it is so easy to use, I am not that confident with using computers so this site was really good for me, everything was easy to use and the instructions were easy to follow. Another great thing about this site is that it is totally free, this makes me very happy, saves pennies!! I know e-Cards are not going to be for everyone, but I think they are worth a try! Hope you all find this useful, Kind regards, Nicole.