Canada: this is your government

This is one of those stories that, if it weren’t so goddamn sad, would be fucking hilarious:

With Conservatives targeting a Liberal staffer who posted the sordid details of Vic Toews’s divorce to Twitter, the Speaker of the House has ruled that threatening videos by the hacker group Anonymous violated the Public Safety Minister’s parliamentary privilege. Andrew Scheer told the Commons Tuesday the Anonymous videos “constitute a direct threat to the minister in particular, as well as all other members” of Parliament.

Okay, so this part’s not that funny. A group of Anonymous supposedly ‘threatened’ Public Safety Minister Vic Toews (who you’ll remember has appeared on this blog a few times before) after he announced his intention to pass a bill that would allow police to access information on the IPs of Canadians without a warrant. Mr. Toews then said that anyone who thought it was a bad idea to let police snoop people’s personal data without any kind of judicial oversight was simply standing with child pornographers. Anonymous, being who and what they are, did not like that, and released this “threat”:

Again, that’s not the punchline. While the threats were comparatively mild, Toews and his Republican North colleagues threw a shit fit and demanded answers. This Inquisition was spurred on by the revelations that a Liberal Party staffer was responsible for a novelty Twitter account that revealed the (publicly-available) details of the depths of Vic Toews’ depravity in the form of affidavits signed during his divorce proceedings*. All of a sudden the “liberal conspiracy” klaxons were sounding from the hallowed halls of the House of Commons, and the government was out for blood. [Read more…]

Exclusive: interview with a Sith apologist

This is somewhat of a break in form, but occasionally I do like to dabble in fiction. A conversation via Twitter that I had with James Croft about the planned Catholic attack against gay marriage tickled my funny bone in an unusual way, so I thought I’d have some fun with it. What follows is the transcript of a television talk show set in a galaxy far, far away…

Ross: Welcome back to Gabbin’ on Yavin with me, Ross Eisley. I have two very special guests with me today. First, from the Academy of Jedi Knights, and author of the galactic best-selling novel “Jar Jar is not Good: How Gungans Spoil Everythingsa“, please welcome to the show Master Obi-wan Toblome. Master Toblome, thank you for being here.

Obi-wan: Thanks, Ross. It’s good to be here today.

Ross: And from the Society for the Improvement of Tolerance and Humanism and author of the very popular “Answers in Genesith” blog, Darth Sektor. Good evening, Darth.

Sektor: Thanks for having me, Ross.

Ross: All right everyone so the topic we are here to discuss today is “Sithophobia”. Is Sithophobia real? What does it look like? Are Sith being treated unfairly by the Galactic Senate? Darth Sektor, why don’t you start? [Read more…]

I quit

For as long as I can remember, I have been deeply fascinated by science. One of my earliest memories involves a cross-country trip (nothing can prepare you for how immense Canada is – you have to drive across it) with a big stack of science books – of course the highlight of the whole trip was the Royal Tyrell Museum of Paleontology  in Drumheller, Alberta. As a matter of fact, the second-most difficult decision I’ve ever had to make was in high school, when I had to choose whether to pursue a career in science or music. The most difficult, incidentally, was deciding whether my best friend would live or die*.

Science has always been a huge part of my life, which is why I am devastated to say that I am going to have to quit:

In a recent experiment, Paul Vasey of Canada’s University of Lethbridge and Barnaby Dixson of New Zealand’s Victoria University of Wellington found that while beards may be stylish, and are probably a mark of alpha males, they aren’t necessarily a key tool for attracting the ladies. “Women … do not rate bearded faces as more attractive than clean-shaven faces,” the researchers wrote in the journal Behavioral Ecology.

(snip)

Both men and women said that with beards, the men looked older and more aggressive than they did with their beards shaved. The viewers also ascribed higher social status to the men when they were bearded than when they were baby-faced. Women said that the clean-shaven faces were more attractive than the whiskery ones.

There comes a time in everyone’s life where they are forced to choose between their deeply-held personal beliefs, and the scientific consensus. Many people find it difficult to accept scientific evidence for the age of the earth. Others find the vastness of the cosmos too daunting and shut out the evidence for the Big Bang. Still others cannot bring themselves to accept the fact that all life is descended from a common ancestor, in defiance of the Genesis account. It seems that I am forced to make the same decision.

Look at this face: [Read more…]

TUPAK LIVES!

Boy do I wish I was talking about this guy:

No, in fact I am talking about this guy:

As you can see, I’m not an ordinary person. Ever since I realized I have the power to predict the future, I knew that anything was possible for me, and I wasn’t wrong. I can predict things that are about to happen, and I can feel the vibrations of winning numbers in games like roulette or the lottery.

The blood of my Cheyenne ancestors runs through my veins. It has enabled me to predict my own future, and the future of the people around me. As a respected Shaman, I also have the power to transform woes into happiness, problems into solutions, and mysteries into revelations.

I found an ad for this “psychic medium” (a.k.a., scam artist) in the back-channel app that we use to tabulate site stats here at FTB. It was the name that grabbed me initially, but then I saw this:

I’m so confident of the value of what I “see” in your future, and of the advice I can give you, that I’m ready to offer you an initial “Visionary Contact Session” completely free of charge. Use it to take stock of your personal life. You’ll find it a surprisingly accurate study of your personality, of the main character traits that shape your Destiny, and increase the likelihood of experiencing certain problems. And there’s a big surprise in store for you, but I won’t say any more now. I’ll let you think about it. Just don’t think too long…

Now it goes from sad to hilarious. This guy is claiming that he will be able to see into my future, based on little more than astrology (and of course, me telling him what the biggest problem in my life is right now). Here’s the thing: as of yesterday I have a really clear picture of what the next few months/years hold for me. Unless Mr. Tupak is a blog reader (or he Googles me, which would be cheating), there’s very little chance of his prediction being anywhere near accurate. Oh sure, he might get vague things like “you are considering returning to school”, which is a common occurrence for people my age. He might even get “a career change is on the horizon” (which isn’t strictly true, but he could claim it amounts to the same thing), but again that’s entirely common for people in their 20s.

Anyone feel like submitting themselves to Mr. Tupak’s expert wisdom? I’ll bite the bullet and give him my real info, but anyone worth their salt can find out most of my pertinent details inside of 15 minutes. I’d be interested to see what happens if someone whose entire life isn’t on a website makes a request. I’ll let you know what info I get back.

Warning: Tupak is not good with refunds

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Have to laugh, or I’ll cry

Strictly speaking, there’s nothing funny about racism. The existence of racism in our society means that black people are paid less, have poorer health outcomes, are more likely to be harassed or murdered by law enforcement, are less likely to be educated or employed… the list goes on. None of that is a laughing matter, which is why I really don’t care for racist ‘jokes’ that make light of the issue. I think we can derive a lot of humour from pointing out racism, in the same way that we can find humour in pointing out hypocrisy or vice or any other folly of the human condition. It helps us learn about ourselves, and draws attention to issues we might otherwise ignore or misunderstand.

That being said, reading this story made me laugh my ass off:

Chief U.S. District Judge Richard Cebull on Wednesday admitted to sending a racially charged email about President Barack Obama from his courthouse chambers. Cebull, of Billings, was nominated by former President George W. Bush and received his commission in 2001 and has served as chief judge for the District of Montana since 2008. The subject line of the email, which Cebull sent from his official courthouse email address on Feb. 20 at 3:42 p.m., reads: “A MOM’S MEMORY.”

The forwarded text reads as follows: [Read more…]

Oh God, Oh GOD, OH YES! Oh no!

There was some very interesting discussion that cropped up in the comment thread of last week’s Movie Friday where I asked you to discuss what the lyrics to Regina Spektor’s “Laughing With” actually mean. Many of you thought that she was articulating a kind of “faitheist” position, or one of arch-deism, where those who disbelieve are hypocritical fools, yet those who profess strong belief are simpletons. My own interpretation was a bit more generous, thinking that perhaps she was talking about God as a concept rather than as an actual entity (either theistic or otherwise). A bunch of others helpfully suggested a bunch of other female artists that I could check out since my iTunes is lacking (for which I thank you).

I am still struck by that line “God can be funny”. For all the misery and general awfulness that religion causes in everyday life (to say nothing of its capacity for breeding hair-ripping frustration), there are a lot of reasons to laugh. Sometimes you laugh because it’s either that or cry, sometimes you laugh because it’s genuinely hilarious, and sometimes you laugh because there’s no other reaction to something so bizarre. Religious people don’t particularly like having their beliefs and behaviour ridiculed, and often claim that anti-theists like myself are waging a campaign intended to discredit and undermine the very foundation of our society. I obviously disagree – I am not putting in nearly so much effort as they claim. One does not have to hold up religion for ridicule, one merely has to hold it up: [Read more…]

Movie Friday: Fuck Shit Stack

Don’t ask why, but the FTB backchannel was briefly full of My Little Pony conversation. I don’t understand the craze, but that’s okay because it seems like everyone else does.

If the show were more like this, maybe I’d watch:

WARNING: TOTALLY NSFW LANGUAGE! Also, you will laugh really loud, so make sure you’re in a place where you can explain yourself if need be.

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OMG LOOK, CATS!

For as long as I can remember, I’ve disliked cats. I probably got the attitude from my father, who was allergic and disliked animal hair on his black slacks (he wore black slacks a lot – my dad’s got style). It’s not usually a big deal – I don’t hate cats or anything, I’m just not a fan. If you can split the world into ‘cat people’ and ‘dog people’ I am totally a ‘dog person’. I love dogs. They’re awesome. Cats are some special combination of insane, needy and dickish; dogs just want to play. Plus you can train dogs to do stuff – cats train you.

I don’t like cats, is what I’m saying.

But you know who does like cats? The fucking internet. I can’t go three links on Reddit without someone posting a picture of their goddamn cat doing something completely uninteresting. “Look, he’s sitting in a shoebox!” Hi-fucking-larious, bro! A million upvotes for you! “Look, she’s chasing a laser pointer because of an instinctual attraction to movement and a lack of comprehension of human technology!” Wowee! I’ve never seen that a million times before! That certainly didn’t stop being amusing to me by the time I turned 8!

I don’t like people who go nuts about cats, is what I’m saying.

But now I think I have a bit more sympathy for them: [Read more…]

Movie Friday: Can I have yo’ number?

So as I get more immersed in the literature of anti-racism, feminism, class structure and sociology, it becomes harder and harder for me to enjoy jokes. For example, I used to find this video hilarious:

And it is funny – it’s a comedically exaggerated version of an interaction that happens between men and women all the time. Here’s the thing though: knowing what I know about sexual harassment and the pressures put on women to be “nice” to men who are overstepping their boundaries, it’s hard to laugh. Knowing that women are often “nice” because there’s a risk of violence if they aren’t, it’s hard to laugh. Knowing that some clueless dolts interpret anything that isn’t a clear and brutal “no” as an invitation to try harder, and that those same dolts will react to a brutal “no” as though it’s the woman’s fault for being a “stuck up bitch”, it’s hard to laugh.

Knowing that Darrel’s social awkwardness is exacerbated by his race, and that the same approach (modified for dialect) from a white guy would likely seem less obtrusive, it’s hard to laugh. Knowing that even if Darrel were successful in getting Yvonne’s number, the two of them have clearly different social backgrounds and would struggle to find acceptance in their respective communities, it’s hard to laugh. Knowing that Darrel could possibly face violence for walking down the street with Yvonne in the wrong neighbourhood or town, it’s hard to laugh.

Basically what I am saying is that thinking about things ruins jokes. So… I’m sorry I guess?

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