Boy do I wish I was talking about this guy:

No, in fact I am talking about this guy:

As you can see, I’m not an ordinary person. Ever since I realized I have the power to predict the future, I knew that anything was possible for me, and I wasn’t wrong. I can predict things that are about to happen, and I can feel the vibrations of winning numbers in games like roulette or the lottery.

The blood of my Cheyenne ancestors runs through my veins. It has enabled me to predict my own future, and the future of the people around me. As a respected Shaman, I also have the power to transform woes into happiness, problems into solutions, and mysteries into revelations.

I found an ad for this “psychic medium” (a.k.a., scam artist) in the back-channel app that we use to tabulate site stats here at FTB. It was the name that grabbed me initially, but then I saw this:

I’m so confident of the value of what I “see” in your future, and of the advice I can give you, that I’m ready to offer you an initial “Visionary Contact Session” completely free of charge. Use it to take stock of your personal life. You’ll find it a surprisingly accurate study of your personality, of the main character traits that shape your Destiny, and increase the likelihood of experiencing certain problems. And there’s a big surprise in store for you, but I won’t say any more now. I’ll let you think about it. Just don’t think too long…

Now it goes from sad to hilarious. This guy is claiming that he will be able to see into my future, based on little more than astrology (and of course, me telling him what the biggest problem in my life is right now). Here’s the thing: as of yesterday I have a really clear picture of what the next few months/years hold for me. Unless Mr. Tupak is a blog reader (or he Googles me, which would be cheating), there’s very little chance of his prediction being anywhere near accurate. Oh sure, he might get vague things like “you are considering returning to school”, which is a common occurrence for people my age. He might even get “a career change is on the horizon” (which isn’t strictly true, but he could claim it amounts to the same thing), but again that’s entirely common for people in their 20s.

Anyone feel like submitting themselves to Mr. Tupak’s expert wisdom? I’ll bite the bullet and give him my real info, but anyone worth their salt can find out most of my pertinent details inside of 15 minutes. I’d be interested to see what happens if someone whose entire life isn’t on a website makes a request. I’ll let you know what info I get back.

Warning: Tupak is not good with refunds

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  1. Brownian says

    It’s not relegated to back-channel apps. Tupak’s ads show up for me here often.

    Warning: Tupak is not good with refunds

    [Drily] Well, I could have—ahem!—predicted that.

  2. Dave, the Kwisatz Haderach says

    I’ll give it a whirl, just for shits and giggles. Most of the places I contribute online don’t link back to my actual identity, just throwaway emails. No blogs, twitter feeds, or facebook pages to my name. And my name is common enough that any searches made would turn up a slew of people with the same name who aren’t me. He won’t be getting anything but what I choose to tell him.

  3. says

    This is just general advice for everyone, but if you see ads that you think don’t belong on this site (i.e., psychics, churches, Christian dating services, etc.) please get the URL for the ad (should be a ridicu-long string of characters with ‘google.com’ at the beginning of it) and e-mail it to me. We only want ads that we think people might actually use on the site, but we have limited control over what comes up and when.

  4. Dave, the Kwisatz Haderach says

    Hmmm, hour and minute of my birth. That’s going be a tricky one. What are the odds that lying here would drastically skew the results?

  5. Desert Son, OM says

    A good friend of mine once said, regarding “Psychic Telephone Services”:

    “If they’re psychic, shouldn’t they call you?

    Still learning,


  6. Dave, the Kwisatz Haderach says



    I’ve just added you to my circle-of-friends.

    You will hear from me pretty soon.

    Your friend,


  7. Desert Son, OM says

    You will hear from me pretty soon.

    It’s like he’s psychic!

    Still learning,


  8. Dave, the Kwisatz Haderach says

    Oh, no wait. Email saying it’ll take 48 hours for his “visionary contact”. That’s not pretty soon at all, guess he needs time to do a little digging on me. Best of luck Tupak.

    Just for the record, I’m playing along cause its free. The second he wants money, this game is over.

  9. mynameischeese says

    Ok, now that you’ve mentioned weird ads, sometimes when I’m reading this site, an ad pops up with a tiny woman holding a really large pair of trousers and it says, “Strange fruit burns fat.” Which is just so so wrong. Wrong on many levels.

  10. Brownian says

    Oh, I’ve just been ignoring them after PZ yelled at us for complaining about the ads when FtB was first born.

    And frankly, this Puritan Hard Drive is awesome (I stole it, but then learned I was predestined to do so, so it’s okay.) It’s just like a regular external hard drive once you delete all the Calvinist garbage off of it. Fantastic!

  11. Brownian says

    Ok, now that you’ve mentioned weird ads, sometimes when I’m reading this site, an ad pops up with a tiny woman holding a really large pair of trousers and it says, “Strange fruit burns fat.” Which is just so so wrong. Wrong on many levels.

    I followed the link to learn that this strange fruit is an ‘exotic’ fruit that comes from Africa called a ‘mango’. I’m fascinated to consider that their target demographic apparently consists of fat-conscious Europeans in the 18th century.

  12. 'Tis Himself, OM says

    You’re complaining about a measly 48 hours? The great and powerful Tupak has to prepare a horrorscope on you. Do you think horrorscopes grow on trees?

    Actually, if he were a real psychic, then he’d know you’d send an email and have everything ready beforehand.

  13. den1s says

    With all of this talk from Mr. Google and how he is going to put all of the information that he gathers together into a massive database so that he can better provide pertinent content for all users, don’t you find it a little curious that he can’t get a bunch of appropriate ads together to throw at us…. who are an identifiable and separate group of users?

  14. Ysanne says

    Oooooh THANKS for finding this out!
    This means that I can eat as many mango pavlovas as I can, with whipped cream and ice cream and all, without worry!
    (Now how do I make myself actually believe it…?)

  15. Cynthia says

    I’m not complaining about the ads; FtB needs revenue and if they contribute, that’s fine. I can ignore them.

    But it is amusing to me that so often the ads are religious in nature. There’s one right now asking me to sign the petition to overturn Roe vs. Wade. Yeah, like that’s gonna happen!

    I would be interested to know if the ads get a positive response from FtB readers, but don’t know if they track them that well. And I’m not interested enough to track it down.

  16. embertine says

    What does it say about me that I originally read this as “TUVOK LIVES!”

    *gets her coat*

  17. Dianne says

    What are the odds that lying here would drastically skew the results?

    Low to none. But they do provide an out for the medium. “I predicted you’d come into money soon and you went bankrupt the next week? Obviously, that’s because you told me you were born at 12:46 when you were really born at 12:47. How do you expect me to work with such inaccurate information?” And suddenly it’s all your fault again.

  18. Dave, the Kwisatz Haderach says

    You can all relax, the visions have at long last come to my dear friend Tupak. Its way too long to post up here though. So, just a few highlights.

    you want a change. You’re tired of your problem-filled life, of the difficulties you have making ends meet at the end of the month, of struggling to be understood and living with the burden of your unfulfilled desires.

    Nope, my financial situation has never been better. I’m going to Bali shortly just because I want to.

    Even from a distance, even if we’re hundreds or even thousands of miles apart, we can make contact via telepathy, simply through our thoughts. Did you know that, David?

    AHHHH! Stay out of my head!

    it’s clear to me you’re swimming in troubled waters. A thick fog is obscuring your long-term vision, creating unbearable anxiety in your life.

    Quite the opposite actually. My career is as secure as possible given the economic climate, and my long-term plan is on track and even a bit ahead of schedule.

    You’re sure to find things you like in my descriptions of you. But there might be other things you don’t like. Ultimately, you don’t know yourself very well.

    Riiiight. So this sounds like bullshit because a random stranger on the internet knows me better than I do.

    Flattery is a major weakness of yours, because of all the fire signs, you are the one most desirous of getting the greatest number of beautiful rewards

    Meh, not really. I dislike getting praised, I try to avoid or deflect it, makes me uncomfortable.

    Your powerful, majestic side allows you to steamroll your way through life. Still, yours is a generous heart, and you willingly defend the weak with a tear in your eye (mere facade?), so long as the weak are not working for you. Because, strangely enough, when you find yourself in this dominant position, for which you would damn yourself if Hell existed, you operate in a completely different manner, and it’s your tyrannical side that take over.

    I’m just not sure what that’s supposed to say about me. Little help?

    You were programmed to have money, lots of money. The problem is that, like most people on this planet, you don’t know this.

    Right, sure. That makes lots of sense.

    It continues that way for a long time, along with plenty of vague slightly self contradictory statements. I’m “outgoing and optimistic, but occasionally need to retreat into my shell” kind of drivel. If you were expecting something spectacular and earth-shattering, I’m afraid Tupak will disappoint.

    Of course, if I’m willing to pony up his “very reasonable” fees, well then, I would get the truly exceptional service. He’ll be my friend, mentor and powerful ally. Thanks, but I’m sure I’ll be happier with the money.

  19. says

    Fuck! I didn’t get a response at all! What the hell, Tupak? Tell me about how much cash I’m supposed to be secretly swimming in?

    Did you indicate that you wanted advice about “money”? I said I needed his psychic insight about my “luck”.

  20. Dave, the Kwisatz Haderach says

    Yeah, I asked about money. I was secretly hoping he might send me the next Lotto649 numbers, no such luck. Although apparently 3 is “the first number in the reward that appears to be inscribed on your life’s path”. Whatever that means.

    You’re welcome to read the rest for yourself. Just don’t sign me up for the more expensive “vision”. Unless of course you want to pay for it.

  21. Carmen says

    I received the same letter and it’s nearly identical to mine with the exception of your horoscope information.. same lucky number, same 6 month talk of my life changing. I believe in Mediums and have had readings with Mediums that have the real gift. This guy is clearly a fake and a scam!!!!

  22. says

    Carmen, how would you go about distinguishing between a clear fraud like Tupak; a ‘geniune’ medium; and a fraud who is just good at guessing?

  23. chantelle says

    tupak is a scam. Not only did i opt not to use his services after the first reading but i just found out that he deducted 2o pounds from my account today and i haven’t used his services in over 8 months. Will be contacting the bank and police shortly.

  24. Troy says

    Tupak has been after me for months sending me email which end up for some reason in the junk mail folder. I haven’t replied to him once yet he still sends me mail?

  25. mcmg says

    I received that SAME letter..down to every last word-horrscope and lucky #…WTF?? SHAME ON YOU CONCEITED TUPAK YOU ARE NOT EVEN TRYING TO BE CREATIVE!! You give all gifted psychics a bad name. Someone should contact him directly and let him know he has been decloaked !!!

  26. says

    You give all gifted psychics a bad name

    Oh sweetie… sit down. We’re going to have to chat about ‘real psychics’, and Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny too.

  27. A Smith says

    If you want a Tupak reading or one of his other offers for “shits and giggles” as someone put it above. Wait until he has mailed you the same offer multiple times. Each time he sends it the price is reduced. He starts usually around $79 and it keeps dropping until he gets to around $14. Saves a bundle for a laugh if that is all your in it for!

    I did give in and buy one of his offers once it dropped to his lowest price point only to receive some meditations that I was to repeat every day for 90 days or something like that in order to bring luck into my life. The meditations were not a bad thing, they do make great daily affirmations if one is needing to feel better about oneself. All in all not a total loss so I did not request a refund. In my opinion that is about the best any psychic can do for you as I see them as affordable therapists. Still in the end I am glad it only cost me $14!

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