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Satanique!

It has come to pass that we are working with the Stevens Community Humane Society again, which means that they have foisted another hell-beast cat upon us to house.

This is she.

ivy

She is a young beast, all black with a white patch on her chest. She is very curious and there has been a little problem with getting her to sit still — she’s got our whole house to explore so she’s rushing about all the time. She will occasionally jump on me with her claws and bump her head against my chin while making curious throbbing noises — I think it’s the sound of the millstones of Hell grinding souls to a pulp, or something.

We’ve been closing the bedroom doors tightly at night to prevent her nefarious pouncing — I think she has evil plans — but by day, we might have to collude. My cunning brain and her predatory energy…we could take over the world, if one of us doesn’t stab the other in the back.

I am calling her Satanique. The humane society gave her the name Ivy, which you might prefer if you’d rather cloak her true nature. If you’d like to break up our wicked partnership before our plans reach fruition, or if you think you need a partner in crime of your very own, contact the Stevens Community Humane Society. Tell them you want the black-furred agent code-named Ivy that is holed up in the Myers safehouse. They might be able to arrange something.

Comments

  1. says

    Uh-oh. I’m trapped! She has leapt onto my lap and is refusing to leave. Also, she’s making that terrifying soul-grinding noise in her throat again. Am I going to die here? I’ve got work to do!

  2. says

    Taking over the world with a black cat? Whoever heard of such a thing? No, what you want is a white cat, then we’ll have reason to fear your imminent takeover….

  3. Jacob Schmidt says

    She is very curious and there has been a little problem with getting her to sit still — she’s got our whole house to explore so she’s rushing about all the time.

    Oh god, the exploring. The little blighters get everywhere, up to and including sinks, bathtubs, cupboards and fridges is you aren’t careful.

    I think it’s the sound of the millstones of Hell grinding souls to a pulp, or something.

    Indeed. My hell-beast would feign affection by nuzzling in my neck. Then she would make that sound. I think it’s a threat to keep me in line.

  4. says

    My daughter’s cat Onyx could be her brother, her derpy, suck-on-his-own-nipple brother. He is more circumspect about laps though, five minutes is good for him.

  5. Kevin Anthoney says

    Awwww!

    She will occasionally jump on me with her claws

    Well, she can hardly leave them behind. Sheesh, I dunno.

  6. ivymcallister says

    Oh, and the grinding sound is an indicator that she has activated her feline Somnolence Field. Few can escape it. My oldest cat can deploy it in seconds, and it can encompass all the occupants–human, feline, and canine–on the sofa in one go.

  7. davidnangle says

    She will attempt to drain you of all body heat. They do this, despite the unexpected result that both of you get warmer and more comfortable.

  8. says

    You reject the notion of god and other supernatural entities, but the mere presence of a cat gets you to start blathering on and on and on about Hell and ground up souls and Satan.

  9. george gonzalez says

    Been there, do that.

    We have a rescue dog, this huge black beast of indeterminate DNA, perhaps a Border Collie and Ankita mix. He looks like the prototype huge black beast from heck, but he’s actually milder than mild. An occasional woof when he wants to be let in. Never a nip or bite even when annoyed by youngsters.

    We also take take in another twice-abandoned dog when their owners need to get away. This one is a small Pomeranian cloud of terror, who is terrified of doorbells and door clicks and spends most of her time under the bed yipping and shredding Kleenex.

    I suspect it’s our cross to bear– slightly-off people end up responsible for slightly-off animals.

  10. magistramarla says

    AWWW – I love black cats. We’ve had several in our family over the years.
    The hubby is owned by a spoiled rotten Maine Coon now who insists upon being held upside down like a baby and being rocked while getting a tummy rub as soon as hubby gets home from work.
    Watch out PZ – this sweetheart will worm her way into your heart.

    BTW- It is obvious that PZ doth protest too much and in truth LOVES cats!

  11. kaboobie says

    Black cats are the best. My beloved Mistoffelees (Moff for short), who lived to be 14, looked just like this: yellow eyes, white patch on the chest. My sister now has an identical cat named Bear.

  12. dianne says

    She looks like she’s hungry for some zebrafish.

    “Fed to cat” is probably not an acceptable method of euthanasia of extraneous lab animals.

  13. Gvlgeologist, FCD says

    All your anti-feline blather, then you go and prove that you’re just a softy.
    .
    .
    .
    .
    About time.

  14. IslandBrewer says

    Oh, what a slippery slope.

    First, PZ begins posting pictures of his precious kitty-wittums. Next, he’s going to go all brain-mushy and become some Stedmanesque faitheist. That’s what cat’s do.

  15. PDX_Greg says

    Sure, laugh about the demonic contract into which you have placed your household. Just do not stem the sacrificial flow of little ground-up bits of dead animal flesh to her, lest you discover the true purpose of those thin scythe-shaped protuberances she keeps retracted in her deceptively cute furry little paws.

  16. bushrat says

    And I thought I was the only person that gave the 4 legged devil spawn’s names more befitting their true nature.

    Oh A**hole, here kitty, kitty, kitty.

  17. morgan ?! epitheting a metaphor says

    The only entirely black cat I’ve ever known was in fact a hellcat. It viciously attacked any person or beast that dared to walk past the house in which its equally evil owner lived. That evil person would sit on his porch and laugh like a person possessed whenever anyone walked by, unaware of the attack-to-come. Neighbors called the police on this fool, to no avail. One day the evil cat mysteriously disappeared.

  18. says

    I was a bit surprised–but guess I shouldn’t have been–to hear that black cats actually have lower adoption rates in US shelters, at least. Superstition is the general guess as to why.

    I don’t have room for another cat right now. One of our two (Thelma; her sister is Louise) is, in fact, sitting on the table right next to the machine I’m typing this on, and those two are more than enough…

    But if I did, I’d totally be interviewing the black ones, first. It may be just random, but every black cat I’ve known at all has been quite personable*. Also, apparently, they may need it more. And finally, hey, they go with everything.

    (*/Or catable. Whatevs.)

  19. says

    (… also, I think I’d try to get in the habit of referring to it as ‘my familiar’. Should be good for laughs around certain of the superstitious and nervous, I figure.)

  20. badgersdaughter says

    Ink and Smoky are getting old at my place… but one more cat would put us over the limit for my apartment, I’m afraid. I miss when Ink was a lithe and spooky young black thing like yours. :)

  21. says

    AJ:

    I was a bit surprised–but guess I shouldn’t have been–to hear that black cats actually have lower adoption rates in US shelters, at least. Superstition is the general guess as to why.

    Out of our five cats, 4 of them are solid black. The remaining cat, Elvis, is a tuxedo, mostly black.

  22. says

    Also, she’s making that terrifying soul-grinding noise in her throat again.

    Some biologist… That is done in the chest, not the throat, which is why humans can’t manage it. ;)

  23. says

    Kagehi:

    Some biologist… That is done in the chest, not the throat, which is why humans can’t manage it. ;)

    My husband does a most impressive purr, and he’s used it to good effect, in calming kittens down and so forth.

  24. blf says

    She will occasionally jump on me with her claws

    For a smalllarge donation of cheeses, MUSHROOMS!, and moar cheeses, the mildly deranged penguin will teach Hadescat better ways of accomplishing her goals, mostly involving high-speed launches from a trebuchet.

  25. sparkles says

    If demand more pictures of this cat.
    If my demands are not met, I will stop reading this blog.. forever.

    I have an adorable (and not very bright) black cat with a white spot on his chest and pebbles in his brain.

  26. rnilsson says

    Beware! This may be a conspiracy! Ever heard of the Ivy League? This could be a taloned scout.
    Be Very Careful.

  27. cicely says

    Awwwwww!
     
    Who’s a cute little Hellbeast? You are, that’s who!
     
    Most of my kittehs have been black, or mostly black.
    -

  28. tariqata says

    She definitely looks like she could be my Sputnik’s twin. They both have a charmingly evil look.

  29. says

    My husband does a most impressive purr, and he’s used it to good effect, in calming kittens down and so forth.

    Well, some people can do a fair mimicry of it, but it still doesn’t work the same way for us as it does for cats, which is why we can’t exactly sustain it over a long period, where a cat…

  30. Yellow Thursday says

    She looks a lot like my Fizzgig. He’s also mostly black, with three white spots underneath at throat, chest, and crotch. He, too, attempts the Somnolence Field with anybody who sits still for more than two minutes.

  31. JohnnieCanuck says

    Was it here that I first came across the description of tuxedo cats as ‘incomplete medial melanization’? On second thought, probably not.

    We have two, both tuxedos. The (un-)male is determined to claw through every wooden support structure in the house, so he’s seriously evil. He’s a hand-me-down cat who was trained to put his paws on a shoulder as if he were a human baby being burped. He too will accept being cradled on his back in your arms. This because there were two young girls who treated him like a furry doll in his previous home and may explain his evil ways with wood.

    Being highly superstitious, (Dad’s a preacher) they named him Lucky to compensate for his blackness.

  32. Levon Marcesant says

    Both of my present animals looked like black cats in the catalog,
    but the older one has a large russet patch on her back, visible in
    sunlight, while the younger, large one has developed a frosted
    appearance. For the sake of all concerned, I hope someone
    steps forward to take this Satanique off your hands before
    there is trouble.

  33. says

    Just a little bit ago I was leaning back in my favorite chair snoozle position when the neighbor’s tabby jumped on to the window sill I was resting my head against. That grinding sound you speak of was going full tilt, and there was much rubbing of kitty face against cheek so I knew there was trouble. I got up looked out the window and there was a skunk eating out of the cat’s food dish in the carport next door. Long story short, kitty got yummy chicken liver and a vacation at mi casa, cheaper than breathing skunk at twice the price.

  34. cgilder says

    YEY fostering! I have a veritable herd of fosters right now, 7 to be precise. Six of them are a litter of 9 week olds that are so damn cute I end up spontaneously squee-ing every time I walk into the bathroom where they live right now. The 7th is a 10 year old deaf, arthritic torbie with traumatic brain injury and kidney failure who is just the sweetest crotchety old cat ever. I adore her. And she is obviously enjoying having her every whim indulged. She’s technically a palliative care/hospice foster although she is available for adoption.

    So, if anyone in Austin is looking for adorable hell beasts, hit me up through Austin Pets Alive!

  35. unbound says

    “…bump her head against my chin while making curious throbbing noises…”

    It’s definitely over now. That means you are hers.

  36. otrame says

    My son the ex-vet tech says when they rub their jaw on something it means “It’s mine” but when they bump their heads on someone it means “You’re mine”.

    You may be in trouble, there, PZ.

    Has she started supervising yet?

  37. frankb says

    When we got our current (black) cat from the shelter we learned that they won’t adopt out black cats in October. Some people apparently want black cats for their rituals on Holloween. That is a sad commentary on what some people are capable of.

  38. Lithified Detritus says

    Gregory in Seattle @ 15

    You reject the notion of god and other supernatural entities, but the mere presence of a cat gets you to start blathering on and on and on about Hell and ground up souls and Satan.

    Cats will do that to you.

    PZ – if you are going to go all spiritual, get out of Dodge and pray like Hell for a Kimberlite eruption directly under your house. You will be freed of the Hellspawn in an appropriately fiery manner, and the mineral rights will make you rich beyond your wildest dreams.

  39. says

    We adopted a 5-month old solid black kitten last month. The shelter thought his name was Batman, but they turned out to be wrong about that. It turned out to be Lord Regulus Alpha Leonis, nommer of souls. Although “nommer of toes” is a bit more accurate these days. He also makes that noise very loudly, mostly when I am trying to sleep. Otherwise he’s usually tearing around the house.

    White cats are no good for evil overlords, because they’ll shed white fur on your black cloak, and an evil overlord caught using a lint roller is hardly a threatening image. Definitely go with a black one.

  40. gardengnome says

    Methinks the shelter people may have gotten the name right – Poison Ivy. They’re all evil bloody things…

  41. robinjohnson says

    Going by the photograph and the description, that is my cat Ninja.

    How she’s managing to commute from Scotland to Minnesota every day I’ve no idea, but she never tells me anything.

  42. abewoelk says

    Cats are proof that intelligent design is nonsense since no intelligent designer would have made them. Just sayin’.