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Jun 08 2013

I have much to learn in the ways of heresy

I am a mere novice. So I threw a cracker in the trash — big deal. Valerie Dodds found a way to really annoy the church.

A Catholic school in Nebraska says it is praying for a former student who returned to campus to take nude photos and masturbate with a crucifix.

Valerie Dodds, 19, told KETV that she started a nude photography business after graduating from Lincoln East High School. But she said some her classmates from her former school, St. Pius X High School, started “saying mean things and that’s when I decided to go there and show them that I’m here to stay.”

She has since been arrested for public nudity and trespassing. I’d like to offer my sympathy and stand in solidarity with her on this one, but I don’t think I’ll go quite so far as to emulate her. I know you’re all relieved.

56 comments

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  1. 1
    AussieMike

    “I know you’re all relieved”
    Not so much relieved as curious. How the fuck would YOU masturbate with a crucifix? My mind is awash with disturbing possibilities. And GOOD ON HER!

  2. 2
    Trebuchet

    I shudder to think what she could do with a cracker.

  3. 3
    PZ Myers

    I’m so sorry for you, AussieMike — where’s your imagination? I can think of all sorts of filthy, dirty, nasty things that could be done in a church, with church paraphernalia. Aren’t you atheists creative enough?

  4. 4
    lockout

    Valerie is a very attractive girl, and would increase her chances of life-happiness by not seeking attention with these stunts. Her sense of individualism is to be commended but my recommendation would be for her to pursue qualifications in some medical profession, say elder care or dental hygiene, rather than publicly please herself with religious symbols.

  5. 5
    AussieMike

    Fair call. Let’s do it! I’ll hold the camera.

  6. 6
    Tethys

    Arrgh, now I have that scene from “The Exorcist” in my head from reading the first comment.

    How would YOU masturbate with a crucifix?

    Well frankly, I wouldn’t. I think it helps to be raised Catholic, or be possessed by a demon.

    They make a wide variety of crucifix dildos, and other religious dildos, in all sorts of materials. You can usually find them in your local sex shop, right next to the baby jesus buttplugs.

  7. 7
    PZ Myers

    Lockout, you are not a very intelligent person, and would increase your chances of life-happiness by not seeking attention by commenting here.

  8. 8
    Viktor Brown

    How the fuck would YOU masturbate with a crucifix?

    It’s simple… if you’re a girl. What you do is you take the crucifix, turn it so that the longer end is pointing you, then stick it into your vagina. If you’re a guy, it’s a bit harder… but that’s just cause the anus is tighter than the vagina, and that can be solved with sufficient lube.

  9. 9
    mikeconley

    And here I thought I had a great plan to corner the market on vibrating crucifixes. Damn. Always a day late and a dollar short.

  10. 10
    Pteryxx

    Heck, masturbation isn’t even limited to penetration, not by a *cough* long shot. The little bumpy bits on the more ornate objects make for great riding-upon. And narrow smooth ones work for penetration, too, but not necessarily of anus nor vagina. (hint hint)

  11. 11
    Viktor Brown

    True… Those are just the simplest ways to do it. Now, if you want to get creative, you open up all sorts of avenues. For example, you could use it to play with your nipples… Or, if you’re into it, you could spank yourself with is. Or you could play with your balls with it… So many options…

  12. 12
    crocodoc

    “More important to us, however, is that we constantly follow our school’s motto: To Restore All Things in Christ,” Perkinton said. “To that end, we are praying for the young lady and her family, and we stand ready to offer forgiveness and support should she seek it.”

    That’s generosity! I wouldn’t have expected that such a severe crime can be forgiven at all but the LORD’s infinite love surprises me again and again.

  13. 13
    Pteryxx

    Spanking, hmm there’s a thought. *searches* Well whaddya know!

  14. 14
    sigurd jorsalfar

    In a statement to KETV, St. Pius X’s Monsignor Perkinton warned that the school would contact the authorities to report any future illegal activity.

    If only the catholic clergy were 1/10th as eager to report child rape as they are to report nudity …

  15. 15
    kevinalexander

    How the fuck would YOU masturbate with a crucifix? My mind is awash with disturbing possibilities.

    Mine too! To start with, you could get an inflatable ‘Jesu Joy of Man’s Desiring’ doll with seven working orifices and the baroque soundtrack.
    OK, now I have to go wash my mind out with soap.

  16. 16
    Dauphni

    She seems to be having fun with the whole affair. Go Valerie!

  17. 17
    ChristineRose

    @4

    Maybe she considered the social drawbacks of having done adult work, looked at her other options, considered her lifelong career plans, and made a sensible, reasoned decision to pay for her support and education with adult work. Given her ingenuity in showing up the townsfolk who were trying to shame her, I vote for that option. I congratulate her on her strength of character and trust that whatever her eventual career choice, she will be able to deal with discrimination and prejudice.

  18. 18
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    How the fuck would YOU masturbate with a crucifix?

    Well, admittedly, it could be quite difficult, and even if not, it’s probably going to be awkward the first time…though some people find the awkwardness heightens the awareness of the taboo, which for them may make it all the hotter.

    I think, it’s probably best to wait until you’ve actually established a personal relationship with an individual crucifix. It doesn’t have to be the best/closest friendship you’ve ever had or anything, just close enough that there’s the possibility of recovering from a slip up. Then wind the conversation around to sex generally, and masturbation more specifically. If that seems to be going well, read the mood of the crucifix – should you plunge away quickly, or slow down & reduce the pressure a bit? Either way, when the time is right, you can start talking about having someone watch you or just gently touch yourself through your clothes occasionally. If you go the oral route, make sure you communicate clearly just how hot it is to share that intimate experience. If you’re starting out with your fingers, you still have to pay attention to how the crucifix is reacting. Eye contact, direct and communicative, is probably better than nervously averting your eyes. Jesus is going to see you anyway, no sense in trying to hide it.

    At this point, either your crucifix is responding positively or not. If not, try to find a gracious way out of the situation. Not every crucifix is going to share your kink, y’know? But, with luck and enough established trust, I’m sure you can find a crucifix willing to have a little manual fun.

  19. 19
    pseudoniemousie


    A Catholic school in Nebraska says it is praying for a former student who returned to campus to take nude photos and masturbate with a crucifix.

    This would have been a much more entertaining article if the sentence had meant “They’re praying for [her] to take photos and masturbate”; [her] being, obviously, the former student who returned to campus.

    Also, sadly, all the entrepreneurs in this thread have been scooped: Jackhammer Jesus (NSFW, what did you expect)

  20. 20
    Reginald Selkirk

    Public nudity? But surely this private school is on private property.

  21. 21
    Tuválkin

    Also, at her site we can read this:

    donate a portion of my website’s income to the Voices of Hope here in Lincoln Nebraska! Voices of Hope helps women, children and families of domestic violence in their time of need.

    (Links style in preview is still borked.)

  22. 22
    Draken

    Public nudity? But surely this private school is on private property.

    Indeed, and those were her private parts she was showing, nothing public at all.

  23. 23
    David Marjanović

    Valerie is a very attractive girl

    What does your personal taste in faces or body shapes have to do with anything? ~:-|

    If you’re a guy, it’s a bit harder…

    What are you talking about? The tip (not that of the crucifix) is sensitive to mechanical stimulation. It matters little what that is done with. :-|

    (As long as it doesn’t hurt, anyway. For some people, pain is a huge turnoff.)

    And narrow smooth ones work for penetration, too, but not necessarily of anus nor vagina.

    That got me curious.

    Mighty big mistake.</Jack Slater>

  24. 24
    Naked Bunny with a Whip

    Valerie is a very attractive girl

    She’s 19-year-old adult, fucknugget.

  25. 25
    Robert B.

    At first I read

    A Catholic school in Nebraska says it is praying for a former student to return to campus to take nude photos and masturbate with a crucifix.

    which would have been a very different story.

  26. 26
    Ichthyic

    It matters little what that is done with. :-|

    yeah… I can see you were rethinking that one after you wrote it.

    ;P

  27. 27
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    And here I thought I had a great plan to corner the market on vibrating crucifixes. Damn. Always a day late and a dollar short.

    Too late. Way, way too late.

  28. 28
    Holms

    @1 AussieMike

    How the fuck would YOU masturbate with a crucifix? My mind is awash with disturbing possibilities.

    I dare yout to look up ‘sounding’.

    @4 lockout

    Valerie is a very attractive girl,

    Relevance to anything ever?

    and would increase her chances of life-happiness by not seeking attention with these stunts. Her sense of individualism is to be commended but my recommendation would be for her to pursue qualifications in some medical profession, say elder care or dental hygiene, rather than publicly please herself with religious symbols.

    Go fuck yourself. In the ‘go away’ sense, that is.

  29. 29
    changerofbits

    @14

    Bingo! They get to choose how they want their property used. Apparently they’re OK with it being a pederast safe house, but no voyeurism, so sayeth The Lord.

  30. 30
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    Whoops, looks like pseudoniemousie beat me to it.

  31. 31
    JohnnieCanuck

    #30

    So, “Too late. Way, way too late” applies in more ways than one?

  32. 32
    Louis

    This is actually a hell of an effective protest method. It hits at so many sacred cows for the Catholic hierarchy. Sexuality in general, women’s agency and sexuality, sex positivity. Without any knob jokes, lechery or humour I can honestly say I approve.

    I don’t think her “attractiveness” is relevant to anything other than her desire to make money from her ease with her own body. Certainly not to the validity of her protest. More power to this woman sayeth I.

    Louis

  33. 33
    loreo

    Naked 19-year-old?

    Call the cops!

    Naked 8-year-old?

    That’s a matter to be handled internally.

  34. 34
    prae

    After “investigating” a little, it appears she used only a small necklace crucifix. After all this discussion about how exactly she could have applied this device, this was a little… disappointing.

  35. 35
    Azkyroth Drinked the Grammar Too :)

    Valerie is a very attractive girl, and would increase her chances of life-happiness by not seeking attention with these stunts. Her sense of individualism is to be commended but my recommendation would be for her to pursue qualifications in some medical profession, say elder care or dental hygiene, rather than publicly please herself with religious symbols.

    Wow, only four posts in for the slut-shaming. I guess that’s not a record.

  36. 36
    Dalillama, Schmott Guy

    This is actually a hell of an effective protest method.

    Not to mention that I’m sure it will help her business. She’s gotten massive publicity out of this, and in a business like hers, that’s money in the bank. In the long run, the school may well have done her a favor by making a stink about it. If they’d just let it go, a lot fewer people would have heard of it, and she’d be getting a lot fewer pageviews.

  37. 37
    andyo

    Valerie is a very attractive girl, and would increase her chances of life-happiness by not seeking attention with these stunts. Her sense of individualism is to be commended but my recommendation would be for her to pursue qualifications in some medical profession, say elder care or dental hygiene, rather than publicly please herself with religious symbols.

    I commend you for efficiency in stupidity. So many things in such few sentences.

  38. 38
    andyo

    @4 lockout

    Valerie is a very attractive girl,

    Relevance to anything ever?

    Of course, since she’s a pretty gurl she should go into the medical profession that’s best for pretty gurls, like old-people nurse or dental hygienist.

  39. 39
    ChasCPeterson
    Valerie is a very attractive girl,

    Relevance to anything ever?

    I’d say that it’s relevant in this case.
    For one thing, her choice of nude modelling as a career, which seems to have been the genesis of the story, is likely not unconnected to her conventional physical attractiveness as a young woman.
    For example, photos of her Catholic-school ‘photoshoot’ are for sale at her dot-com website, Paypal and credit cards accepted.
    In fact, the very fact that we’re reading about her is due entirely to the willingness of some men to pay money for photos of her wearing no clothes. This, again, is not unconnected to her conventional physical atractiveness.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

  40. 40
    adobo

    Gawd, I wish I knew where that gay tumblr picture is of a crucifix shoved up a guy’s ass! Very very erotic if I may say so.

  41. 41
    Holms

    For one thing, her choice of nude modelling as a career, which seems to have been the genesis of the story, is likely not unconnected to her conventional physical attractiveness as a young woman.

    There are model sites that cater to absolutely any body type and taste on the planet; she could have been any appearance with no change to the story. Even then, why is it that ‘attractive girls’ ought to become nurses and dental assistants?

    No, lockout’s comment was simply a failure on all points.

  42. 42
    Pteryxx

    Even then, why is it that ‘attractive girls’ ought to become nurses and dental assistants?

    Dental assistant fired for being ‘too attractive’

    >_>

  43. 43
    sc_681efc10e4f0d29986a8918db8be3cca

    Crip Dyke (#18), enjoy your shiny new Internet.

    (Sorry for the Googlemess; it’s just me, occasional commenter and mostly lurker brucecoppola.)

  44. 44
    Random Mutant

    She should go the next step and involve a consecrated cracker. However, she should check with PZ and probably someone like Jessica Ahlquist first to prepare her for the fallout. Pure Win.

    After that, how about with an assortment of other religious and non-religious artefacts, just to show that it doesn’t fucking matter.

  45. 45
    ashley L

    Oooh nice. I’ve finally thought of a good use for those rosary beads my grandmother gave me! Ha

  46. 46
    Azuma Hazuki

    No one’s done it yet? Seriously? Okay, I will…

    *takes deep breath, then twists her head around 270 degrees*

    DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOUR *censored* DAUGHTER DID?!

  47. 47
    David Marjanović

    *blink*

    Somehow I managed not to read the part about “some medical profession”, sparing myself a painful facepalm.

  48. 48
    Crip Dyke, Right Reverend Feminist FuckToy of Death & Her Handmaiden

    D’awwww. Thanks, Bruce!

    It occurred to me afterward that some people would be perfectly happy to masturbate with a crucifix on cam over the internet.

    In that case, your kink is more specific and thus it might seem harder to find a willing partner, but you have access to so many more crucifixes that your odds of finding the right one is actually increased.

    Of course, not everyone has access to a computer they can use in private, but for any do and want this kind of thing, I wish you luck in finding a good partner for e-manual stimulation.

  49. 49
    Seize

    @ Rev Crip Dyke @ 48:

    Oh come oh come e-manual?

    …I’ll show myself out.

  50. 50
    Sili

    Naked 8-year-old?

    That’s a matter to be handled internally.

    Was that deliberate?

  51. 51
    Galactic Fork

    ChasCPeterson:

    I’d say that it’s relevant in this case.
    For one thing, her choice of nude modelling as a career, which seems to have been the genesis of the story, is likely not unconnected to her conventional physical attractiveness as a young woman.
    For example, photos of her Catholic-school ‘photoshoot’ are for sale at her dot-com website, Paypal and credit cards accepted.
    In fact, the very fact that we’re reading about her is due entirely to the willingness of some men to pay money for photos of her wearing no clothes. This, again, is not unconnected to her conventional physical atractiveness.
    Not that there’s anything wrong with that.

    You know, everything you said would be awesome if the context of what you quoted wasn’t about how she shouldn’t be posing naked. And that she should become a dental hygienist.

  52. 52
    Gregory Greenwood

    lockout @ 4;

    Valerie is a very attractive girl…

    The fact that she conforms to your aesthetic of attractiveness is hardly relevant, and she is nineteen, and so a young woman, not a girl.

    …and would increase her chances of life-happiness by not seeking attention with these stunts.

    “Conform to partriarchal expectations of what ‘good girls’ should be and do, or else society will get you”; how charmingly medieval of you.

    Her sense of individualism is to be commended…

    Does it take practice to be that patronizing?

    …but my recommendation would be for her to pursue qualifications in some medical profession, say elder care or dental hygiene, rather than publicly please herself with religious symbols.

    So, you claim to admire her individuality, but then immediately state that as a ‘attractive girl’ she should go into some ‘medical profession’ as a default, because that is just what ‘attractive girls’ should do.

    Apparently.

    As for masturbating with a crucifix – that is far better treatment than such a symbol of death, suffering and degradation deserves.

  53. 53
    Eurasian magpie

    Her sense of individualism is to be commended but my recommendation would be for her to pursue qualifications in some medical profession, say elder care or dental hygiene, rather than publicly please herself with religious symbols

    Emphasis mine.

    But not in actual medicine? Only in “girly” professions?

  54. 54
    ChristineRose

    I have to say the whole “dental hygienist” or “elder care” bit had my troll-o-bell ringing. Female-dominated professions that pay fairly well and require two years or less to enter? Professions that require a good combination of medical, physical, and scientific skills? Is there some reason why being a nude model means you have enough eye-hand coordination to scale teeth without stabbing people? Do you think those long legs mean she’s strong enough lift someone out of a wheelchair? Is she interested in evidence based outcomes for cognitive interventions for stroke patients?

    From her site pics I thought she might be working her way through the University of Nebraska, but on closer examination it doesn’t say she’s actually enrolled. But it could be that’s she’s saving up and planning to blitz her way through in three years with a degree in marketing, or supply-chain management, or website development. Or maybe she dreams of owning an auto repair shop and will someday have the capital. Personally, I hope she gets a degree in philosophy and writes a book about atheism.

  55. 55
    bananaslug

    As an alumnus of this school, I must say that I am very disappointed…

    that this did not happen 20 years earlier. That would have been so cool.

  56. 56
    raj

    So, what proof do they have that she was publicly nude or trespassed? Pictures? That’s nothing these days! Pictures are so easily faked. I wouldn’t mind seeing the pictures, but I bet even then I’d still give her the benefit of the doubt. If I were her, I’d claim that I faked the whole thing for publicity and then challenge them to prove otherwise!

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