Death from below »« Do not disturb for a little bit

Thank you for the clarification, Ken Ham!

This just in: Jesus was NOT a cosmic Jewish zombie. Ken Ham carefully and very seriously explains to us that Jesus was not mindless, and he ate food, not his disciples brains, therefore the humorous accusations of zombiehood are false.

Jesus did come in the flesh as a Jew, so you got part of this correct. As for the zombie line, you clearly have not taken the time to look at the vast differences between a zombie and the resurrected Christ. Zombies are considered to be part of the undead (not alive), often will-less and speechless bodies that have been reanimated by spirits. The resurrected Christ is not undead, but alive (Revelation 1:18). After His Resurrection, He spoke with His followers and taught them (Luke 24:25–27), reassured them (Luke 24:36–39), and commanded them (Matthew 28:18–20). He ate food with them (Luke 24:43; John 21:15) and urged them to touch Him to see that He was not a ghost but truly risen from the dead bodily (Luke 24:39). He also had a will (John 21:22–23) and performed miracles (Luke 24:31; John 21:6).

He’s a little behind the times. This argument has already been dealt with earlier this month. He has to catch up now and explain why we Jesus wasn’t a lich.

Comments

  1. llewelly says

    A lich has no need to eat or drink …

    However it may pretend to eat or drink (perhaps by way of its copious magic) to deceive enemies or comfort its underlings.

  2. Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls says

    I’m really impresszzzed by the circular references used by the great thinker. Using the babble to prove the babble. Ingenious use of Hamikins BRAINZ! A proven way to avoid real zombies. ;)

  3. Brother Ogvorbis: Advanced Accolyte of Tpyos says

    For 1,800 years or more, Christians have been trying to come up with evidence that their god fathered himself and then died and came back to save our souls and this, this, is the end result of all of those great minds? This idiot is using the best arguments available?

    Wow. Just, uh, wow.

  4. says

    Hmm. And all of Ham’s evidence comes from a single old book. No corroboration at all. Seems weak to me!

  5. hypatiasdaughter says

    I always thought Jesus coming back with his wounds and eating and drinking was a very weird part of the NT.
    Does that mean, when we are resurrected in a “new immortal body”, as xtian theology states, we will eat, drink, shit & pee in heaven? Will will come back with our bodies marked by our cause of death (like in the movie “Betelgeuse”? Sucks to die in a fire or car accident.
    Pop theology has always believed that we come back, healthy and whole, in our prime, casting off the decrepitude of age and disease, to live an eternal life free of the baser demands of the flesh.
    Coming back fully human but immortal is in line with what the JW’s and Mormons think. Except the JW’s toss out the sex and Mormon’s think its all about sex, sex, sex.
    Somebody’s got it wrong.

  6. says

    I had someone deconstruct my psychology on the basis of describing Mt 27:53 as zombies walking around Jerusalem. I’ve never seen someone get so uppity over the definition of imaginary creatures.

  7. gardengnome says

    I’m confused…

    Does Spam;
    a: Get the joke and think this is a cool response?
    b: Not get the joke and think this is a serious response?
    c: Really think we give a toss?

  8. says

    He contented that I was trying to make it sound ridiculous by calling them zombies, while I maintained that it was ridiculous irrespective of what people called it.

  9. anubisprime says

    Hambone seems to be very clear about this…Jeebus is not a zombie cos a zombie has different characteristics!

    It is not hard peoples…they are just different…okay?

    How on this jeebus given rock anyone could confuse the two is just beyond belief.

    According to Hambone…and he should know…Zombies ARE considered to be part of the undead (not alive)…now live and learn folks, what on this jeebus given rock do they teach you critters in school…sheeesh!

    The exact status of goblins, fairies and elves has yet to be determined seemingly, I am sure piglet will inform as and when jeebus gives him time! …stay tuned!

  10. flapjack says

    We’re splitting hairs here… fact remains if someone who’s been clinically dead 3 days suddenly gets up and requires everyone around him to eat his flesh and drink his blood, I’m thinking a shot to the head is the wisest course of action, if only for biohazard reasons.
    Otherwise 2000 years later you could wind up with a plague of mindless zombies/ liches/ whatever the hell you want to call them.
    If it’s good enough for George A Romero, it’s good enough for me…

  11. Larry says

    But he’s got references, just like the scientific papers them fat-cat, elite, so-called, Professors write. With sound paper-writing like that, you just gotta know its truthiness.

  12. Anri says

    He has to catch up now and explain why we Jesus wasn’t a lich.

    Well, this bit right here:

    The resurrected Christ is not undead, but alive (Revelation 1:18).

    It’s not quite as menacing as “…then you’ve left and you’ve left, find my tomb, your souls die!”, or as pithy as “Your sacrifice was not in vain – look to the fourth to find your gain!”

    But it gets the message across, I suppose.

    (And, yes, for pedants, that wasn’t actually a lich. Not anymore, at any rate.)

  13. says

    Did I read that right? Just to be sure, Ken Ham does believe in zombies, right?

    He quite possibly does. This seems to be why so many of the fundagelicals have such a visceral fear of Haitian religion, spiritualism, witchcraft, and alleged satanic cults. They think that these people are actually summoning real dark supernatural forces. Why wouldn’t they think this? They’re extraordinarily credulous.

  14. says

    Reanimated spirits? Oh Hammy, Hammy, Hammy. Can’t you get anything right?

    In most of the current Z lore, zombification is caused by a virus (and it’s up for debate whether or not “reanimated” actually applies). If we go way back to 1960 or so, with the original Night of the Living Dead, zombies are reanimated corpses, raised by “cosmic rays”*. Really, there’s not a lot to do with “spirits”.

    Even the orginal inspiration for pop culture zombies (voudoun myths), have nothing to do with reanimated spirits– zombie are half-dead, completely mindless people, under control of a powerful shaman (or whatever).

    *Or, if you believe the doomsday preacher, “Hell is full and the dead walk the earth”.

    /too much zombie knowledge

  15. FossilFishy says

    /too much zombie knowledge

    Hmmmm. [Scratches the good doctor’s name from the “Will Leave Behind as a Distraction” list.]

  16. says

    Yeah, it’s pretty common for folks like Ham to believe that things like psychic powers and ghosts do exist, but are the creations of Satan. They tend not to take the stance that such things don’t exist because only God and his minions have such powers. Presumably they don’t because it would throw a gear into the whole Satan thing, which is on flimsy ground anyway if God is omnipotent.

  17. says

    Hmm. And all of Ham’s evidence comes from a single old book. No corroboration at all. Seems weak to me!

    The Bible thumping is good enough evidence for Ken Ham’s customers. At a Pentecostal church I visited when the preacher man invoked the Bible (about once a minute) the congregation would say Hallelujah and The Word. Their Bible is sacred, written by the magical master of the entire universe. There couldn’t possibly be more stronger evidence, which might explain the out of control creationism disease in Idiot America.

  18. eoleen says

    Ahem. I think that AiG is quite wrong. It is obvious that Jebus was a pod-person, as in the movie Invasion of the Body-Snatchers.

  19. says

    Yeah, I hate to be serious on the topic of freaking liches, but I can’t resist.

    Assuming you are of the camp that believed that there was a Jesus and something happened, what actually happened was almost certainly that followers had visions of Jesus in a “spiritual” body and he talked to them. Most people around them thought they were nuts, but a few were “filled with the Holy Spirit” and also saw Jesus.

    The other stuff, like how the body got out of the tomb (if there was a tomb) is all kind of window dressing and not even supernatural. You also get what appears to be hoaxers who don’t even look like Jesus claiming to be him.

    So this led to a debate among early Christians about whether Jesus was really around “in the flesh” and led some of them to make up very questionable stories about Jesus eating and drinking, and about Thomas sticking his hand into a wound. Thomas is a stand-in for anyone who claims Jesus was only resurrected in spirit.

    The standard anti-Christian belief of the day was not that Jesus never existed, but that Christians faked the resurrection and that the rest was just hysteria.

  20. What a Maroon, Applied Linguist of Slight Foreboding says

    He also had a will (John 21:22–23)

    Jesus had a will?

    I wonder what he left Magdalene….

  21. dianne says

    Why is important to Ham’s world view that Jesus be alive after the resurrection? Wouldn’t it be more impressive if he came back as a spirit and demonstrated the truth of his teachings by showing himself in his spirit form? Still being alive after an execution is nothing new, there are examples of that even in the modern world. Being an incorporal being that could still interact with people after clearly and definitively being dead for days, now that would be impressive.

  22. abb3w says

    Ken Ham has always had some difficulties understanding the evolution of successively approximating scientific models. He’s more likely to consider the change from Zombie-model to Lich-model to be a proof that the Bible must be taken as the Inerrant Word Of God, somehow.

  23. rickschauer says

    I’m so happy to have Ken clear that up for me. Zombies, they’ll try anything ’cause they can’t get no respect without jebus. I’m really hatin’ those lying zombies now. Damn.

  24. abb3w says

    …though if I remember my D20, Ken Ham’s point about “eating food” in Luke 24:42-43 and John 21:15 actually does present some significant difficulty to the Lich model. As with all undead, Liches do not “eat” in the ordinary sense of the word.

  25. mikmik says

    Hey, Ham didn’t mention anything about ascending, just that he, I mean He, was ambulatory.
    2000 years can be hell on the complexion, I think Ham better explain Bigfoot next.

  26. Snoof says

    …though if I remember my D20, Ken Ham’s point about “eating food” in Luke 24:42-43 and John 21:15 actually does present some significant difficulty to the Lich model. As with all undead, Liches do not “eat” in the ordinary sense of the word.

    They may not be able to digest it, but there’s nothing stopping liches or other corporeal undead from putting food in their mouths, chewing it and swallowing it. They may vomit it up later (or have it fall right through them, depending on the state of decay), but they can still “eat”.

  27. Amphiox says

    Jesus’s soul isn’t bound to a phylactery

    Are you sure?

    Liche’s hide their phylacteries.

  28. Amphiox says

    I wonder if the Hamster realizes that in any other setting his little screed would not be out of place on a Twilight-style fanfiction site.

  29. Random Mutant says

    So Jesus wasn’t a zombie? Oh, he must have been a lich. No? A goblin? Sorry I mean a fairy. Elf? No! A pixie! Ken, why wasn’t Jesus a pixie? What’s the difference between Jesus and a pixie?

  30. Rich Woods says

    @Random Mutant #45:

    What’s the difference between Jesus and a pixie?

    The boots?

  31. A. R says

    Ingenious use of Hamikins BRAINZ!

    Problem: you’re assuming that Ken Ham has a brain.

  32. robster says

    So, we’e been wrong! As uttered above: “It is obvious that Jebus was a pod-person, as in the movie Invasion of the Body-Snatchers”. Should the belivers be worshipping Pod?

  33. osmosis says

    Otherwise 2000 years later you could wind up with a plague of mindless zombies/ liches/ whatever the hell you want to call them.

    They’re called “creationists”

  34. osmosis says

    Fun watching fiction battle fiction, especially when the “serious one” mistakes the joke for a “reality claim” like their own.

    This is an example of Poe’s Law – Ken sHam lives in a fantasy world so divorced from reality that it taxes our creativity trying to mock it.

    Coming up with something on par with the bullshit these people believe takes actual effort and determination.

  35. Amphiox says

    Problem: you’re assuming that Ken Ham has a brain.

    Possible he had one, once. Possibly.

    It was eaten.