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Jan 11 2012

Glitchety-glitchety

We’re all aware of the intermittent service failures. Last I heard, it was caused by some hard drive difficulties, and a crack team of kobolds has been dispatched to excavate the relic out of the lava pits and hammer an enchanted red gold filigree into the platters to improve their performance. There may be further absences while the device is worked over on the anvil, but then all shall be well, barring drow or faerie-fire incursions.

At least, that’s what it sounded like.

47 comments

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  1. 1
    Ing

    Bah never send a Kobold to do a Goblin’s work!

  2. 2
    Anthony K

    It’s 2012. Why the fuck am I not living on a space station? The future sucks. Everything’s bullshit. FML.

  3. 3
    Lofty

    It’s 2012. Why the fuck am I not living on a space station? The future sucks. Everything’s bullshit. FML.

    Advertising hype. Promising delusional futures since ????BC

  4. 4
    'Tis Himself

    I’m with Brownian. Where’s my flying car?

  5. 5
    Irène Delse, on dry land among seabirds

    ***OUT OF CHEESE ERROR***

    ***REBOOT THE UNIVERSE TO RESTART***

    (What, isn’t FTB powered by Hex, the Wizards’ thinking machine?)

  6. 6
    Improbable Joe, bearer of the Official SpokesGuitar

    Its all that “feminism for page hits” overloading the servers, right?

  7. 7
    unbound

    I’ve worked on servers for many years now, and what you described is utter bull.

    Everyone knows the servers operate based on hamsters running on their wheels. Start giving them the premium hamster food and things will be moving fast again…

  8. 8
    Ragutis

    Didn’t we warn you about having the gnomes of Mt. Nevermind do your hosting?

  9. 9
    Inaji

    Apparently, a large quantity of varnish is needed in the HEM* building.

    *High Energy Magic

  10. 10
    Inaji

    unbound:

    Everyone knows the servers operate based on hamsters

    Pfffft, you should be using anthill inside.

  11. 11
    frankb

    Irene is right, we need to get Hex working again. Remember that Hex is Teddy Bear Inabled. Maybe Pandas Thumb will lend us their little stuffed bear to get Hex going.

  12. 12
    jaranath

    PZ, I know how you feel about the species and he was a friend of a friend and all, but seriously: This is what happens when you hire an Illithid to supervise the IT staff. The turnover’s outrageous.

  13. 13
    abadidea

    Kobolds? Well there’s your problem. You want a team of good ol’ fashioned dwarves working your technoforges. (Pygmies optional.)

  14. 14
    Irène Delse, on dry land among seabirds

    @ frankb:

    You mean, change the FTB (Fluffy Teddy Bear) status to ON?

    ;-)

  15. 15
    craigore

    “a crack team of kobolds has been dispatched to excavate the relic out of the lava pits and hammer an enchanted red gold filigree into the platters to improve their performance”

    geez, what kind of budget do you have that you have to rely on rat people? you know theyre unreliable. for a mere few coppers more you could just as easily hire a gnomish tinkerer.

  16. 16
    pcarini

    Maybe somebody forgot to feed the beasts

  17. 17
    halcyon

    @ abadidea:

    Damn right! Never trust a kobold to do a Dwarf’s job! …actually, never trust a kobold, full stop. At least they’re not murlocs?

  18. 18
    pHred

    Perhaps it needs some dried frog pills ?

    Or did someone forget to feed the mouse again ?

  19. 19
    soveraign

    Those who are ignorant of history are doomed to repeat it. http://catb.org/jargon/html/magic-story.html

  20. 20
    Larry

    Retry, abort, cancel?

    > abort

    Retry, abort, cancel?

    > cancel

    Retry, abort, cancel?

    >
    >
    > cancelyougoddamnmotherf**kinpieceofshit!!:Laslkjw

    Retry, abort, cancel?

    >

  21. 21
    Rip Steakface

    Don’t worry PZ, the downage forced me to figuratively get off my ass and do my programming homework. Surprisingly entertaining, actually.

  22. 22
    Josh, Official SpokesGay

    I hope the site re-design includes a thorough overhaul of whatever hardware is supposed to ensure the site’s robustness and resiliency. The number and frequency of outages at FtB is ridiculous. Yes, I know we’re not paying for it, and yes, I’m awfully glad it exists. But the unreliability is surprising and irksome.

  23. 23
    Gregory Greenwood

    Is this merely the result of the technical incompetance of kobolds, or is it a denial of service attack by sneaky frost trolls?

    My advice – go necromantic. Undead tech support never slack off on the job and don’t need to sleep, eat or get paid. None of this union nonsense to worry about either. That’s the problem with dwarves, you see – damned union militants.

    And if the smell bothers you, then just upgrade from zombies to nice, clean animated skeletons. As an added bonus, the ethereal undead can fix the servers without even needing to take the casings off…

  24. 24
    Inaji

    Gregory:

    nice, clean animated skeletons. As an added bonus, the ethereal undead can fix the servers without even needing to take the casings off…

    Yes, but a skeleton crew means working with Hades and do we really want to get God involved?

  25. 25
    Irène Delse, on dry land among seabirds

    Well, kobolds are cheap, they only require a little milk…

    (What, wrong mythology? Aww.)

  26. 26
    Crudely Wrott

    Glitchety-glitchety?

    Rather more like “poketa poketa poketa !poom! poketa poketa poketa !phbbt! poketa poketa . . .”

    Well, it beats the shit out of not having you around at all, Professor and Horde.

    *here I was about to slap another few megs of memory into the old box when it turns out the fault’s not on my end. nice, for a change*

  27. 27
    feralboy12

    It’s 2012. Why the fuck am I not living on a space station? The future sucks. Everything’s bullshit. FML.

    My satellite uplink is a joke.

  28. 28
    Inaji

    Are the Recent Comments ever going to be fixed? They were fucked up ages ago, and we’re right back there again.

  29. 29
    chigau (違う)

    As long as I reload three or four times, shut down the browser, reload three moar times and restart my computer, I have no problem with Recent Comments.
    no biggie

  30. 30
    consciousness razor

    Last I heard, it was caused by some hard drive difficulties, and a crack team of kobolds has been dispatched to excavate the relic out of the lava pits and hammer an enchanted red gold filigree into the platters to improve their performance.

    Once they’re done, have them kill the fucking gremlins who make the Recent Comments list disappear randomly. Like others have said, I doubt kobolds are up to the task, but maybe it’s worth a shot. They probably don’t have anything better to do anyway.

  31. 31
    some bastard on the internet

    Thousands of years of technological advancements, and nothing works.

  32. 32
    carinade almeida

    Between your eloquence PZ and my love for fantasy it sounds jolly fun!

  33. 33
    Moggie

    I work in IT. If everything worked, I’d be out of work, and would have to retrain to do a proper job. So quit whining.

  34. 34
    EnoNomi

    I am so using that description on the status report for our next outage.

  35. 35
    a miasma of incandescent plasma

    There’s a kid that lives in South Park, CO, that has experience with these issues. He was able to unplug the internet, and then plug it back in. This resulted in the blinking yellow light turning to solid green.

    Bam! Everyone could then have their Japanese puking por…er… evolution blog…er… websites.

  36. 36
    billgascoyne

    Not a hardware guy, eh PZ?
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Blinkenlights

  37. 37
    robro

    Let us cant a chant, prattle a prayer, and murmur a mantra in hopes that the gods and/or goddesses of IT will smile upon your enterprise and we shall no longer see the never ending progress bar while waiting to the completion to be fulfilled.

  38. 38
    cicely

    [...] or faerie-fire incursions.

    I can’t see how outlining the machinery in colored light would either help or hinder its functioning. Would sure look cool, though.
    -

    Everyone knows the servers operate based on hamsters

    Ah, all is now made less murky! After all, the connection between tinker gnomes and giant space hamsters is well-known, and of long standing.
    -

    My advice – go necromantic. Undead tech support never slack off on the job and don’t need to sleep, eat or get paid. None of this union nonsense to worry about either. That’s the problem with dwarves, you see – damned union militants.

    And if the smell bothers you, then just upgrade from zombies to nice, clean animated skeletons.

    But do you want tech support that can be Turned by some two-bit preacher? Do we really want to have to defend against an endless stream of Paladins, determined to dispatch the Undead? Not to mention that, being Negatively Planar, there’s also the risk of possession. No, I say, go golem. Nice, clean stone golems, special-made for the purpose, and with customised stats, immunities and defences; and no need to angst over the high cost of Techie Chow™ and bathroom facilities.
    -

  39. 39
    Irène Delse, on dry land among seabirds

    Ok, now the “You little rascals” thread suddenly disallows comments. And changes its name. WTF?

  40. 40
    otrame

    Yeah, I couldn’t comment there either. Is that part of the Ghey Consssspiraccccyyy too?

  41. 41
    chigau (違う)

    This is not a question mark É

  42. 42
    Alexandra (née Audley)

    God dammit! I can’t comment on the Rascals thread. So, I’ma put it here:

    Ing:

    Shades of Dr Heller’s “Blame Thrower”

    I call dibs on being the only one to get the joke!

    Pffft. I would never miss a Tom Waits joke.

  43. 43
    Gregory Greenwood

    It seems teh ebil ghey conspiracy has gone for the Rascals thread.

    On that thread, Blondin asked;

    So, who do I have to talk to to make me a lesbian?

    So maybe this change of venue wasn’t so bad a thing afterall…

    *looks around shiftily*

    You see, there is this one extreme option. No questions asked, you know how it is.

    I know this guy who can hook you up with pictures of Bill Donohue doing a strip tease. If that doesn’t cut it, there is even a video involving… pole dancing.

    I warn you, this is seriously strong stuff – too much and you won’t be some much turned off men as trying to rip your own eyeballs out of your head.

    If this doesn’t work, then maybe you really can’t just change someones’s sexuality…

    But whatever hapens, you didn’t hear about this from me.

    *Dons grubby overcoat, disappears into the night*

  44. 44
    Gregory Greenwood

    On further reflection, it occurs to me that my last post may be offensive. Please consider it rescinded as an ill advised failure at humour.

  45. 45
    Kagehi

    Yeah, I am pretty sure one of the “failures” was listing a “Guru meditation error”, when I tried to load the page. WTF are they running the blogs on old Amigas? lol

    That said. Careful which sort of Dwarf you hire, if you get one of those grey skinned Duergar its just as bad as a Drow incursion. Damn thing is probably hosted in the maze underneath Waterdeep too. Dang wizard keeps rearranging the rooms down there, and I here they even have some tavern on the surface, built around an old well. They have some party of techs go down the well, then bet on how many of them make it back out alive, with or without the data backups.

  46. 46
    nakarti

    You know, when my personal server goes down, its because I was fecking with it.
    So that makes me wonder: how much does your service cost? (Not including data, which is probably the most expensive part.)

  47. 47
    Markita Lynda—threadrupt

    Best. Blogfans. Ever!

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