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Nov 16 2011

For greater moral rectitude!

Penn State’s reputation will be saved now! They’ve got an ally willing to work with them to get over the stigma of pedophilia: the Catholic church. Whaaa…?

The Roman Catholic Church is willing to partner with American educational institutions to educate the public about child sex abuse after the Penn State scandal, according to the head of the U.S. church.

Well, sure, that makes sense. It’s like if you’re caught stealing cars, you do restitution by volunteering to work in the biggest chop shop in the state. You bring together two groups renowned for a crime, and they magically cancel each other out and return to a state of probity, right?

Using my gift of prophecy, I see other brilliant tactical moves from PSU soon to appear. The fired coaches will be replaced with recruits from the sex offenders wing of Graterford, and they’ll soon have a new mascot:

That won’t be as big a change as you might think. Here’s the current mascot:

He just wants to give the boys and girls a big hug!

44 comments

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  1. 1
    =8)-DX

    “.. educate the public about child sex abuse..”
    =
    “What goes on in the confessional is a holy secret.”

  2. 2
    Rasputin

    You have got to be fucking kidding me.

  3. 3
    Alex The Pretty Good

    *checks the calendar* Nope… still 4,5 more months until April First. And the source seems to be CNN … not The Onion.

    Okay PZ, I give up… where did you hide the obvious-in-hindsight reference that this is actually satire?

  4. 4
    AJ Milne

    Oh, all y’all are so cynical… It’s really a very kind gesture, on the part of Dolan.

    I mean, during my recent difficulties with the local constabulary over the little matter of that poppy extract importing sideline o’ mine, I just can’t tell you how helpful it was to my public image–nor how influential it was at my bail hearing–to have a nice, public message of fervent support from the local chapter of the Hell’s Angels come along at just that moment things were looking their most bleak.

    Solidarity, y’know? It’s a beautiful thing. So I’m sure Penn’s officials are saying now to Dolan exactly what I said to those stand-up guys, down at their clubhouse, when they were so helpful: ‘Thanks, man. Thanks a whole hell of a lot.’

  5. 5
    Neeroc

    Did you read that crap? Their program aims ‘to train children, parents and teachers to look for signs of abuse and how to respond if they witness it.’

    How about they scrap that and start with a program that teaches priests not to rape children?

  6. 6
    James Sweet

    It’s not inconceivable to suggest that at some point in the future, the RCC might be a good resource for this. After all, organizations which have dealt with a difficult problem in the past are often the most qualified to help others deal with similar problems in the future.

    Problem is, the Vatican still hasn’t dealt with it all the way. Maybe at some point in the future, they will, and then it’s not inconceivable that the Catholic church might have special insight on how to deal with a pervasive organizational blind eye to child abuse and rape.

    It’s like if you are thinking about trying to quit drinking, it might be useful to talk to a recovered alcoholic. OTOH, going out to a bar with another guy who is also only “thinking” about quitting drinking… that’s an entirely different matter!

  7. 7
    brettvk

    Y’know, this is the kind of thing that makes skeptics suspicious about the good intentions of religious organizations.

  8. 8
    colubridae

    Lest ye not forget…

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EpuYoK6wv_Y

    ps how do I use tags to set the above link properly? please

  9. 9
    Therrin

    The Church is hoping to use the coach’s scandal as a panacea for its own problems. You know, homeopathologically.

  10. 10
    Pete Moulton

    This makes sense to me. After all, who would know more about covering up scandals and protecting child rapists than the RCC?

  11. 11
    Beatrice

    Catholic Church really has a lot to teach them about abuse of children. I mean, poor amateurs at PSU managed to hide it for what – 9 years? That’s peanuts compared to RCC.

  12. 12
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Headline: Gambino crime family to work with Wall Street executives to help cut down on corruption

  13. 13
    Zeno

    The font of child-molestation expertise. Penn State is blessed by this divine offer.

    The link to the original source in this post is now broken (I guess they finally wised up), but I cite the paragraph that calls altar boys “lace-clad angels.” The creepiness speaks for itself.

  14. 14
    Rev. BigDumbChimp

    Link still works for me Zeno

  15. 15
    Larry

    Wait. Are they trying to stop child rape or hand out a few pointers?

  16. 16
    Didaktylos

    You’ve got to hand it to them. After all, what the RCC doesn’t know about child abuse isn’t worth the effort of finding out.

  17. 17
    tbp1

    It’s true, satire is dead.

  18. 18
    Hooloovoo

    Umm, what’s next? NAMBLA offering to join the fray?

    I do see the “listen to a recovered alcoholic” side to this, but until the RCC is a ‘recovered’ child-abuse enabler (i.e. it has at least made sure that every single child rapist/enabler in its ranks has been punished), to listen to them would be to listen to the predators & friends.

  19. 19
    Zugswang

    I’m guessing Penn State realized that they could have fucked things up way more, and the Catholic Church can be a helpful advisor for any future debacles.

    I mean, for starters, the church would have moved Sandusky from football to the basketball program and had him start a new charity distinct from Second Mile (maybe call the new one Mile High, because the only thing better than a double entendre is one that’s self-referential and tragically inappropriate) Penn State did do one thing right, and that was to tell all involved that this would be handled internally, rather than allowing outside authorities to get involved. But they forgot that you try to pay victims and their families hush money, while ensuring that they have no obligation to actually stay quiet. Heck, you could even promise to give the kids free rides to Penn State! Wouldn’t that be great?

    And let’s not forget, you know you’re going to get caught: you’ve just spent a lot of time and money practically guaranteeing it. Now you really have to hunker down, and blame an unrelated group you don’t like for unrelated reasons, Ohio State, for example. When that backfires, move on to another group. Pitt is a good second option. Continue to prevaricate and deflect blame. And most importantly, talk out of both sides of your face, expressing sorrow and pity for the victims, but simultaneously claiming how it’s not even that big of a problem, it’s just one guy who was doing the abuse, and it will never happen again.

    That sound about right? Did I leave anything out?

  20. 20
    Kagehi

    That’s OK, according to John Stewart, his lawyer is also someone that once got an underage girl pregnant. But, at least it wasn’t an “underage boy”, or something. Sigh…

  21. 21
    Rey Fox

    The sheer, unmitigated…CHUTZPAH.

  22. 22
    Erülóra Maikalambe

    The Roman Catholic Church is willing to … educate the public about child sex abuse

    Makes sense. They are the experts, after all.

  23. 23
    Anthony K

    Their program aims ‘to train children, parents and teachers to look for signs of abuse and how to respond if they witness it.’

    I understand they’ve created a very comprehensive program.

    How to look for abuse.

    1. Don’t.

    2. Continue to put money in the collection plate as per usual.

    What to do if you suspect abuse is happening.

    1. It isn’t.

    2. Continue to put money in the collection plate as per usual.

    How to deal with incontrovertable allegations of abuse.

    1. Remember: Ratfinks and those who turn from the Church in her hour of need don’t get into heaven.

    2. Continue to put money in the collection plate as per usual.”

    Although originally aimed at guiding spineless, self-serving Catholics, it seems that the program can be re-tooled for Penn’s riotous students with very little work.

  24. 24
    DaveG

    #8, I see that and raise:

  25. 25
    chrisbryant

    Go Go Gadget Photoshop!

    Penn State Mascot

  26. 26
    davem

    Here’s the current mascot:

    Damn! There goes another keyboard!

  27. 27
    robro

    Perhaps The Citadel could join in. I read that the president of that fine institution apologized the other day for failing to deal with a child rapist involved with one of their programs.

  28. 28
    Anteprepro

    Wait, how can that become the Penn State mascot when it’s already the unofficial Catholic Church’s backup mascot? Maybe the Catholic church can give up the bear, and they can just revise Crucifix Jeebus to reflect their alternative interests, resulting in a new wholesome, tasteful, sacred mascot . Just needs a bit more crucifix and gore and it’ll be perfect.

  29. 29
    Stevarious, Public Health Problem

    I really really thought he was linking to the Onion.

    What’s next? The Mafia teams up with insurance companies to help combat insurance fraud? Or maybe we could have the KKK work at inner city soup kitchens? Ooh, I know, we can have prison inmates volunteer at a woman’s shelter to reduce their sentences!

    :(

    That went to a dark place. …But then, it started in a dark place, didn’t it? The world feels like a really dark place right now.

  30. 30
    DLC

    So. . . we should let drunk drivers teach driving school ?
    Cut out the middle man and hold the class in a bar.

  31. 31
    ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®©

    It’s like if you’re caught stealing cars, you do restitution by volunteering to work in the biggest chop shop in the state.

    Or creating a car alarm company, then moving on to Congress (e.g., current Gooper and former? car thief Darrell Issa).
    ~

  32. 32
    coffeehound

    Wait, Wait, I gotta see it again,

    The Roman Catholic Church is willing to partner with American educational institutions to educate the public about child sex abuse after the Penn State scandal, according to the head of the U.S. church.

    Bwa ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha !

  33. 33
    Aunrd

    C’mon man. I love you, and this site. It’s the first and last thing I read everyday, but this is just killing me. Equating the mascot to a predator is just shitty. No one is defending the crimes, hell, I’d be first in line with a rope. But come to your fucking senses. Penn State is bigger than a rapist and a cover up. Don’t shit on all of our beds because of a couple of fuck wits. I get it, the people in power fucked up, REALLY FUCKED UP, they covered up a horrible crime, fine, Hang ‘em, but that doesn’t equate to Penn State = “renowned for crime.”

    Go burn down Sandusky’s fucking house, I don’t give a shit. just leave my house out of it. I am Penn State. Fuck you.

  34. 34
    Ray Martinez

    “Priests” who molest children or football coaches who molest children, both are not following Christ. When the acts occur both are acting as if God does not exist, thus both are acting as Atheists.

  35. 35
    Nerd of Redhead, Dances OM Trolls

    “Priests” who molest children or football coaches who molest children, both are not following Christ. When the acts occur both are acting as if God does not exist, thus both are acting as Atheists.

    Rayturd, go and read your babble. It appears child molestation is not a sin…What a fucking loser you are. You don’t know what your babble says, and that religiobots have much greater problems with child molestation than atheists. Loser all over Rayturd. Why bother posting??? You are wrong seven ways from your unholy day….

  36. 36
    Anthony K

    When the acts occur both are acting as if God does not exist, thus both are acting as Atheists.

    Wrong again, fuckbrain: when He fails to stop little kids from being molested, God is acting as if He doesn’t exist.

  37. 37
    abadidea

    #34: good troll, would laugh at your ignorance again

  38. 38
    Monado, FCD

    “.. educate the public about child sex abuse..”

    I immediately thought, “…to recognize that the poor, poor rapists feel SOOO bad now that everyone should feel sorry for them.”

  39. 39
    Monado, FCD

    I don’t get the point about the mascot, unless it’s a teddy bear for attracting children.

  40. 40
    Erülóra Maikalambe

    Monado,

    That’s Pedobear. Another meme you can trace to 4chan.

  41. 41
    Sines

    @34 So, by that logic, whenever an atheist, for example Joseph Stalin, murders people by the thousands (If not hundreds of thousands), he is acting in accordance with the God of the Bible, also known as the God of Genocide, and is thus a Christian? Wow, I’ve just recieved justification to perform No True Scotsman on every genocidal communist regime, and blame them on Christians. Awesome.

    The 20th century is no longer the century of bloody atheist genocides, as any act of genocide is inherently Christian. Take THAT Craig!

  42. 42
    pelamun, the Linguist of Doom

    for example Joseph Stalin

    I’m not even sure Stalin was an atheist. He dropped out of the seminary, and has been said to have believed in heaven (he’s said to have believed in receiving signs from heaven, which was partly responsible for his decision to reinstate the orthodox patriarchy of Moscow). A belief in heaven as some kind of divine providence is not exactly atheism (TM).

    Of course I’m no Stalin expert, and some of the stories could be apocryphal, but also in some other areas he did not show himself to be a rational skeptic.

    Though undoubtedly he was an anti-clericalist.

  43. 43
    Hussar

    I understand people are angry about what allegedly happen at PSU, but can we clear a few things up and then get back to acting like rational adults please?

    1. PSU has a long and proud history of supporting child’s rights. The law school’s represents abused and neglected children in our Children’s Advocacy Clinic and in our Center for Immigrants Rights, and it helped established the nationally acclaimed web site informational and reporting hotline for child abuse established jointly by the law school’s Children’s Advocacy Clinic and Penn State Hershey’s Children’s Hospital (http://lookoutforchildabuse.org/). Since 1973, students through THON have raised more than $78 million, benefiting The Four Diamonds Fund at Penn State Hershey Children’s Hospital.

    2. What more do you want? Within days of the scandal breaking loose, we fired and forced resignation for all those who we felt failed their moral duty. McQueary will not be fired because it is ILLEGAL under current Penn. law (you can’t fire someone for reporting to their superior about child abuse.)In USA, a person is innocent until proven guilty and rational adults would wait for our legal system to let all the facts come out and punish those who deserve it.

    3. Think About the Kids- We do and we are. There was a candlelight vigil for the kids which had far more students there than the riot. Everyone dressed in blue for the football game to help raise awareness about child abuse.

    3. Some dumb ass undergrads rioted- From what I heard, there were maybe a 100 people who were actually doing stupid shit at the riots. The rest were there to watch their dumb ass friends do dumb ass stuff. The actions of a 1,000 people do not reflect the views of the 40,000 people who attend PSU. That would be like calling every male atheist a sexist pig because of a few jackasses’ words and actions through Elevatorgate.

    So, before we go demanding the University be burnt to the ground and piss on its ashes because of the actions of a monster and few who may or may not have covered for him, let’s use a little rationality. PSU has educated some of the best leaders, engineers, scientists, business men, teachers, and lawyers in the world. What that bastard did was deplorable and I hope he is convicted in the court of law and spends the rest of his days in prison.

  44. 44
    Svlad Cjelli

    They’re going to engineer a new breed of super paedophiles. Calling it.

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