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Mar 09 2009

The Digital Pack-Rat, Vol. 14

Ok, back to the list… On a pharyngula thread about a scandalously titled recent discovery about the evolution of sex. Well, not sex, per se, but having sex. Sorta. What we really need is a clearer fossil of the action… in action.

To see if fishies copulate, thus little fishies born,
We need some “more revealing fossils” (i.e., fossil porn)

A clear fossil pic o’ flagrante delicto
would really be reason for bragging–
A stone preservation of fish copulation,
A petrification of shagging!

A fossil find of such an act would surely take some luck
But think… for all eternity, preserved in stone, mid-fuck!

“I never drink water. Fish fuck in it.” W. C. Fields

Next, we have a complaint–we’ve driven God out of our schools! Won’t somebody think of the children?! Well, somebody is thinking of the children. They even made a little video, showing all the places where God was too weak to overcome the actions of evil school boards…

It opens with a spotting scope–
God’s rifle, from above–
That seeks to find His victims
Then he’ll pump them full of love.
If God in his omnipotence
Is weak against O’Hair,
Don’t tell the little children;
They might think he isn’t there!
Almighty God is weak, compared
To school boards, so it feels.
Don’t blame him; after all, the buses
All have iron wheels.
I wouldn’t mind the petulance
Of God the Petty Whiner
If only those who followed Him
Could be a bit benigner.

Next… I couldn’t bring myself to write about the actual topic of PZ’s post–the rape of a little girl. The headline spoke of the “alleged” rape. Wow. What sort of … never mind.

Make certain that your bets are hedged
And always use the word “alleged”–
It shows your head is firmly wedged
Where sun will never shine.
That word aside, we can’t escape
The facts: this case is clearly rape
Made even worse because of Pap-
al reasoning divine.

Almost done… a delightful webcomic poked a bit of well-deserved fun at hard scientists, and happened to mention pharyngula. The main characters are furries, which I can’t very well have a problem with while I self-identify as a cuttlefish.

I call myself a cuttlefish, but now I have to worry–
Can one be an invertebrate, but still be called a furry?
I would have thought it simple, but the line seems rather blurry;
If someone here could clue me in, I truly hope they’d hurry!

Now, thanks to Dr. Seuss and Ray Comfort…

In the World Nut Daily, or so the tale goes,
There wrote a strange man that most everyone knows
His name, it was Ray C.; he was dumb as could be
And he never seemed sane—frankly, out of his tree!

Sighed Ray C., this crazy man hatching his plot
“I’m a great many things, but a genius I’m not;
I don’t like to think, cos it makes my brain hurt,
So I’d rather say God made us all out of dirt.”
The evidence, though, left him caught in a bind,
Till Horton the elephant passed through his mind!

“I wonder” thought Comfort, “how elephants bred,
When it takes two to tango—or so it is said”
A thought that showed Ray was clean out of his head.

See, Ray thinks selection gives animals things
Like backbones and fingers, like tusks and like wings
Before they were both male and female of sex—
A notion that’s clearly designed to perplex!

While Ray could not see what was wrong with his view
A smart second-grader could—how about you?

He meant what he said, and he said what he meant;
Ray Comfort’s a pinhead, one hundred percent.

And lastly, PZ tells us that his Trophy Wife does not share his squid kink…

Oh, trouble and strife! The Trophy Wife
Doesn’t quite get the cephalofetish?
But think, if she did, and dressed up like a squid
To entice you to someplace that’s wettish–
She would use both her charms and her tentacle arms
To entrap you in utter delight–
We’d just stare at the walls, while Pharyngula stalls
Cos you’re too effing busy to write!

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