Another dose of surrealism

The following questions were left on my formspring.me account months ago, presumably by the same person. I can provide you with no other explanation:

People don’t use the word “fervent” enough, so today I began a meeting with “It is my fervent desire that all employees tuck mackerel into their trousers.” That failed to get me a promotion. What is their fervent problem?

Are there a lot of cats in your neighborhood? If so, keep track of them. One of them is more than just a cat. If you know what I mean.


Last night I took my girlfriend to a classy restaurant, but when I asked for ketchup the guy in the paper hat brought me some weird foreign stuff called catsup, so I sporked him in the eye. Now my gf says I haven’t done enough to demand anal. Women, huh?


Whenever I hear people use a word that rhymes with postulate, it fills me with so much anger that I want to crush their skulls beneath the heels of my jackboots. Is that normal? Or did they already get to you?


I saw a sign that said “We ship anything, anywhere, anytime”, so I asked them to send a unicorn to Mars in 1832. They hung up on me! Should I call the BBB, or man up and set them on fire myself?


Would you rather have the power to turn wood into eggs or control cardboard with your eye beams?


Is it safe to assume that anyone named Melvin probably isn’t too threatening?


Do you think that people named Timothy probably aren’t too threatening as well? Or a better question is, which is less threatening? Timothy or Melvin?


I thought I saw the abominable snowman today but it was just an abhorrent ice woman. Weird, huh? If I see her again what should I do or say?


I thought I saw the abominable snowman again, but it was just the abhorrent ice woman again. This time I talked to her and we hit it off. We’re going out tomorrow night! I hear she moves fast so there’s a chance for sex tomorrow. Any tips or advice?


My date with the abhorrent ice woman didn’t go too well. I don’t think I’ll be seeing her again. After we were …ahem… finished, it felt numb. Now it just sits there and won’t rise no matter what I do or watch. I think it’s useless. What should I do!?


…Five hours left. Gah.

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