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Apr 28 2009

Natural Sexuality

“Alright everybody, quiet down, we’re going to get started,” grumbled Lion. He glared at the menagerie in front of him, squawking and snorting away obliviously. “I SAID QUIET!” he roared. The crowd was silenced and turned wide-eyed to the speaker. “Ahem. Thank you. I’d like to welcome all of you to the second meeting of the Animal Association of Family Values. First off-”

“Wait a second,” piped Bear, “who the heck voted you king of the jungle?”

Tarsier rolled his eyes, which was quite spectacular and frightening to those around him. “Maybe if you weren’t hibernating through our last meeting…”

“Enough, enough,” grumbled Lion. Everything always took ten times longer at inter-species meetings. “Let’s just get down to business, shall we? The topic for today is humans – or Homo sapiens – and their-” he paused to sneer distastefully- “unnatural “heterosexual monogamy” business.”

“Oh come on,” whined Albatross, “are we still going on about that? There are plenty of examples of monogamy across the animal kingdom. 90% of birds are monogamous!”

Bear whispered under his breath, “Only 3% of mammals.”

Albatross huffed. “You mammalists! Really.”

“Oh come on, Albatross,” said Lion. “We all know that’s not entirely true. Only a tiny fraction of birds are actually sexually monogamous. You guys just can’t help getting some on the side. And wasn’t there even a new study that lesbian child rearing pairs are highly prevalent in Albatross?”

“…Maybe,” Albatross blushed, sinking back into the crowd.

“Anyway,” continued Lion, “it has become apparent to the Association that this human deviancy is out of control. It’s simply not natural compared to the mating habits of the rest of the animal kingdom. Well-” he corrected, feeling Albatross’s glare, “it’s not the majority at least. And we all know the most common habits are the best. And even if it is found in other animals, that doesn’t make it right! Look at how quickly they’re out breeding us! The resources they waste on frivolous wedding ceremonies! The anguish they cause themselves feeling like they’re forced to stay with their partner for a lifetime! Why, we’re doing them a favor to point out the error in their ways.”

Bear grumbled. “So what do you suggest we actually do about it?”

Lion stroked his mane proudly. He already saw this question coming. “Well, first we should define what exactly it is we find natural. That way the humans know how to act properly. For example, polygyny is the most common mating system in vertebrates. I have to mate with my many lionesses thousands of times a week, whether they like it or not. Humans? Once a week, maybe if they’re lucky, and with only one female!”

“Woah there,” piped Marmoset. “What about polyandry? Us girls are allowed multiple mates too!”

Please,” huffed Dwarf Mongoose. “Why are we talking like everyone should get the chance to mate, anyway? Only the dominants should reproduce! I don’t even let my subordinate females ovulate!”

Bonobo grabbed Marmoset and Mongoose in a big hug. “Can’t we all just get along? I mean, we have sex regardless of gender to solve disputes! Doesn’t that sound great?”

Tarsier sneered. “Maybe if you hippies would have watched your cousin a little closer we wouldn’t be having this discussion!”

“Now, now,” muttered Lion, trying to regain order as it looked like Bonobo was about to burst into tears. “Maybe we shouldn’t just focus on mating systems. Like, what’s with all this step parenting business? They should kill all the previous cubs – er, children – when they start a relationship!”

“Ha!” laughed Praying Mantis. “Just kill the children? Why, the women should kill the male! What a good meal they’re missing out on, letting all that meat go to waste. They only need him for his sperm anyway! So illogical.”

Lion frowned nervously. “Well, I don’t know about that-”

“Pshh, why need men at all?” said Whiptail Lizard. “Parthenogenesis works perfectly fine for us!”

Tarsier rolled his eyes again. “Who invited the feminists?”

“Why is it always about females anyway?” piped Seahorse, floating in a small pool for the aquatic animals. The Animal Association of Family Values didn’t discriminate across taxa. “Males should be the ones who give birth! Female birth is just weird.”

“Yeah, but only if they keep their young on their back,” said Giant Water Bug.

“Or in their stomach,” croaked Platypus Frog, burping up a tadpole.

Fig Wasp buzzed excitedly around Lion’s head. “And why do humans have an age of consent? My sons will mate with my daughters before they’re even born!”

“Consent?” Mallard Duck looked around confused. “What’s that? You mean you don’t just go around raping your females?”

Beg Bug giggled excitedly. “I do. I’ll stab my junk through their abdomen if I have to! They call it “traumatic insemination,” but you know they’re just asking for it.”

“Hell, I don’t even care if they’re dead, I’ll still do ‘em,” croaked Cane Toad. Many of the animals blanched.

“You’re all nuts!” cried Fungus in the back. “Why do you only have two sexes anyway? Why, some of my cousins have hundreds!”

“What the hell are you doing here, Fungus? You’re not even an animal!” snarled Lion.

“Animalists!” cried Fungus, and slowly oozed away.

“Look,” sighed Lion, exasperated at the animals’ squabbling. “Maybe we should put this off until next month’s meeting, when we’ve had more time to think about it. We can still agree that heterosexual monogamy is unnatural, right?”

“Right!”

“Alright. Let’s just leave it at that for now and move on to our next topic. So our boycott of Papa John’s is going well…”

78 comments

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  1. 1
    Anonymous

    That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever read that discusses rape, necrophelia, and infanticide. The bible may contain more rape, necrophelia, and infanticide – however, the bible is not cute.

    Speaking of animals and religion, I think you’ll enjoy this:

    http://www.lolcatbible.com

  2. 2
    Anonymous

    That’s the cutest thing I’ve ever read that discusses rape, necrophelia, and infanticide. The bible may contain more rape, necrophelia, and infanticide – however, the bible is not cute.Speaking of animals and religion, I think you’ll enjoy this:http://www.lolcatbible.com

  3. 3
    Andre Vienne

    That was pretty awesome. Love it.

  4. 4
    Andre Vienne

    That was pretty awesome. Love it.

  5. 5
    bananavan64

    You really do have too much time now. =P

  6. 6
    bananavan64

    You really do have too much time now. =P

  7. 7
    Jeremiah

    You are ridiculously clever.

    And I’m not. I have no idea what your intended message was. Perhaps you were presenting the multitude of sexual behaviors throughout the animal kingdom as a way to suggest that it doesn’t matter what kind of sexual behavior you as a human engage in. But certain behaviors, like rape, well…certainly might be a shortcut to spread your genes, but…

    Is heterosexual monogamy natural? From the seemingly endless list of sexual behaviors apparent in the animal kingdom, you’d think it would be. But are you saying that? I dunno!

    Help the feeble minded.

  8. 8
    Jeremiah

    You are ridiculously clever.And I’m not. I have no idea what your intended message was. Perhaps you were presenting the multitude of sexual behaviors throughout the animal kingdom as a way to suggest that it doesn’t matter what kind of sexual behavior you as a human engage in. But certain behaviors, like rape, well…certainly might be a shortcut to spread your genes, but…Is heterosexual monogamy natural? From the seemingly endless list of sexual behaviors apparent in the animal kingdom, you’d think it would be. But are you saying that? I dunno!Help the feeble minded.

  9. 9
    Jeremiah

    OK, I’m an idiot.

    I think I get it now. Satire on questioning homosexuality as unnatural. Nevermind, nevermind.

  10. 10
    Jeremiah

    OK, I’m an idiot.I think I get it now. Satire on questioning homosexuality as unnatural. Nevermind, nevermind.

  11. 11
    Jen

    Good, I was about to be a little worried =P

  12. 12
    Jen

    Good, I was about to be a little worried =P

  13. 13
    Ian

    Nice… a shame that anyone who the satire would be most useful against probably don’t have a whole lot of respect for biology anyhow.

  14. 14
    Ian

    Nice… a shame that anyone who the satire would be most useful against probably don’t have a whole lot of respect for biology anyhow.

  15. 15
    Ian

    (btw… just found your blog through an old post at Friendy Atheist… great posts you have!)

  16. 16
    Ian

    (btw… just found your blog through an old post at Friendy Atheist… great posts you have!)

  17. 17
    Michael

    Very cool, I love story-based blog posts! Especially the pre-birth mating

  18. 18
    Michael

    Very cool, I love story-based blog posts! Especially the pre-birth mating

  19. 19
    ¡revulo!

    Ahahaha! This was a scream, I just loved it.

  20. 20
    ¡Revulo!

    Ahahaha! This was a scream, I just loved it.

  21. 21
    tragedyoftheage

    If you really, really, REALLY try to envision this, perhaps in the vain of something like the Disney Lion King movie… it’s even better.

    You should write children’s books.

  22. 22
    tragedyoftheage

    If you really, really, REALLY try to envision this, perhaps in the vain of something like the Disney Lion King movie… it’s even better. You should write children’s books.

  23. 23
    Anonymous

    this is great. made my day.

  24. 24
    Anonymous

    this is great. made my day.

  25. 25
    yunshui

    This is a superb bit of writing. If it wasn’t for my sickening, unnatural monogamous tendancies, I’d be across the Atlantic to add you to my harem right away.

  26. 26
    yunshui

    This is a superb bit of writing. If it wasn’t for my sickening, unnatural monogamous tendancies, I’d be across the Atlantic to add you to my harem right away.

  27. 27
    clairlewis

    As an unashamed queer polyamourist, this made me giggle – thank you!

  28. 28
    clairlewis

    As an unashamed queer polyamourist, this made me giggle – thank you!

  29. 29
    bugtussle47

    your point is well taken.. perhaps that we really shouldn’t consider ourselves above the rest of the animal kingdom?I did , however , enjoy your presentation, your writing is superb.

    *bug*

  30. 30
    bugtussle47

    your point is well taken.. perhaps that we really shouldn’t consider ourselves above the rest of the animal kingdom?I did , however , enjoy your presentation, your writing is superb.*bug*

  31. 31
    Claire V

    Now it’s not just bed bugs, spiders are into traumatic insemination too: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/science/nature/8023413.stm

  32. 32
    Claire V

    Now it’s not just bed bugs, spiders are into traumatic insemination too: http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/sci

  33. 33
    Anonymous

    From what I’ve read and seen, among cats it doesn’t happen until she descides to assume the position…after teasing him a while…and afterward swats him just to reassure herself she’s in control, or sometimes just rolls over. So it might be more like “…whether I want to or not.” As for thousands of times a week, do the math–how many minutes in a week, I mislaid my calculator–and recall that lions, like other cats, spend a lot of time sleeping–that’s why they’re called lions, they spend so much time just lyin’ around…so you gotta factor that in too. As for traumatic insemination, do the drilled parts have nerve endings?

  34. 34
    Anonymous

    From what I’ve read and seen, among cats it doesn’t happen until she descides to assume the position…after teasing him a while…and afterward swats him just to reassure herself she’s in control, or sometimes just rolls over. So it might be more like “…whether I want to or not.” As for thousands of times a week, do the math–how many minutes in a week, I mislaid my calculator–and recall that lions, like other cats, spend a lot of time sleeping–that’s why they’re called lions, they spend so much time just lyin’ around…so you gotta factor that in too. As for traumatic insemination, do the drilled parts have nerve endings?

  35. 35
    Jen

    Lion sex only lasts a couple seconds, maybe a minute max. So that’s only a couple hours out of their day for mating, rough estimate.

    And I have no idea if their stabby bits have nerve endings…I’d guess not.

  36. 36
    Jen

    Lion sex only lasts a couple seconds, maybe a minute max. So that’s only a couple hours out of their day for mating, rough estimate.And I have no idea if their stabby bits have nerve endings…I’d guess not.

  37. 37
    Enamored

    There is little or no natural monogamy as a result of evolution. Perhaps it is the destiny of the human race to evolve into monogamy, even though the transformation is quite….

  38. 38
    ccp

    Oh my fsm, this is awesome!!! Funny, informative, and a great argument! You’re fantastic, and I’m going to show this to the nest person who tries to tell me that hetero is “normal.”

  39. 39
    DarcCell

    - deleted -

  40. 40
    Miguel

    “Can we all just get along?” Wonderful! Brilliant! This is one of the cleverest, most thought-provoking, informative things I’ve read all year! OK, I do need to read more…

  41. 41
    Miguel

    Wonderful! Brilliant! One of the cleverest, most thought-provoking, informative things I’ve read all year!

  42. 42
    Miguel

    Wonderful! Brilliant! One of the cleverest, most thought-provoking, informative things I’ve read all year!

  43. 43
    phillip

    I always find this argument so strange. “But animals don’t do it so it must be bad.” Besides the obvious “oh but they do”, when have we ever held ourselves to standards set by animals? We in fact try very hard to *not* be like animals.

  44. 44
    Deidre Peverill

    This is awesome!!

  45. 45
    Mike

    Wow. Like reading all of “Dr. Tatiana’s Sex Advice To All Creation” in one blog. Excellent!

  46. 46
    Mellon

    Oh my. I think Aisopos would gladly hand you his laurels! (no that was not a paraphrase for sex). You are a genius! Consider this blog solidly spread to the queer/poly community in Uppsala, Sweden.

  47. 47
    Sud

    So, should humans imitate ALL animal behavior or only that which appeals to them ? Some of it is sickening, like young cubs being killed. Also, why are we bipeds while animals are all quadrupeds ? There are no proper bipeds in the monkey species. If you take it further, you will notice the head is above the heart in BIPEDS.

  48. 48
    EmilyRyan

    @Sud, you’re missing the point. She is questioning the value of “natural” as a standard for evaluating human sexuality. She is saying, okay, you don’t think certain kinds of sex are “natural,” but here is a litany of types of sex that ARE “natural” that we (as you rightly noticed) don’t necessarily want to engage in or approve of. But they are natural! So the claim that homosexuality or bisexuality is “unnatural” is 1) false and 2) an irrelevant and ineffective criticism.Further more if you want to think about why “some of it is sickening” one can point to moral reasons (outside of sexuality) that we as humans object to “natural” animal sex: lack of consent, violence, lack of respect for autonomous life of others (like young cubs being killed). Most “deviant” human sexuality, like homosexuality, bisexuality and polyamory, is consensual and nonviolent. (As is the most common form of human sexuality: serial heterosexual monogamy.)

  49. 49
    Bill Mosby

    Human attempts at monogamy are often motivated by the Bobbitt scenario and related concepts (by and on either sex). Just sayin’

  50. 50
    Sud

    Seriously, is there sexuality by birth (what we call natural) ? Isn’t it all acquired ? Don’t we take up that quality on which we dwell upon ? (whether for it (liking) or against it(disliking))

  51. 51
    Old

    Oh great, this arguement again. Yes because we are all trying to mimic animals and bugs and because in nature it happens to them therefore in corespondance it should be natural for us, EXTREMELY intelligent beings that we should have buttsex or carpetmunching between the same sexes. Sounds primitive to me only for sexual pleasure, how clever to think of a nice way to shine a positive light on a selfish act only done to “pleasure” one’s self haha ::brings out the stick and tries to poke the goblins back into their cellar::

  52. 52
    Zach

    SO MUCH BIOLOGICAL WIN!

  53. 53
    Jack

    Thanks for this extremely well-written story (which let my translator-engine to surrender) and I had’nt have read such good humor since weeks. It’s wonderful to imagine Normalists screeming blasphemy – big hug from Austria, Europe.

  54. 54
    <3

    I love you.

  55. 55
    <3

    I just realized that the prokaryotes didn’t have a representative at the meeting. Which is sad. Even asexuals need love sometimes too.

  56. 56
    YummyShrimp

    Creatures that change their sex, like shrimp need representation, too. Yummy… shrimp…lol

  57. 57
    Frankieboy

    As a vegetarian I can only applaud to your opinions/observations on animals, Jen! Freeing myself of dogmas by emotional dissection, polyamory seems a plausible option to me, having lived it for a couple of months now. Honesty is a prerequisite, though… But falling in love doesn’t make things easier. That might be just one bridge too far… :-) From Arnhem, the Netherlands, the best of love for you.

  58. 58
    Isa

    this is the only one of your blogs that allows for me to post comment, cute story btw! (can you move this post to the relevent blog?)Your blog on porn has got me thinking, back a whole decade when I was your age and thought porn was ok, and I agree with your point about the presentation you were given being full of the proverbial (in both senses). BUT since having children and doing a lot of research into porn, I have come to the conclusion that while there is a place for erotica and mastebation is a healthy part of everyday life, much of the porn currently available is highly sexist and presents a distorted image of particularly women’s sexuality, and for teens who may have this as their primary sex education mixed in with a whole lot of prudery, it doesn’t make for a good recipe. Also the sex industry as it stands is also exploitative and links to porn. So, yeah, just cos the theists are against it and make stupid arguments doesn’t mean it is right.

  59. 59
    Erick

    If you think evolución = “destiny”; you do not undestand evolution at all.http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/T

  60. 60
    Jacqueline Brown

    This is the best post I’ve ever read. Period. (and no, that wasn’t a pun)

  61. 61
    Name

    Funny… YOU’RE exactly the type of goblin I usually poke back into cellars.

  62. 62
    iTasteLikeCandy

    stumbled upon this, nd its awesome

  63. 63
    Rollingforest

    Just because some porn is made to appeal to men does not make it sexist, just as romantic novels that appeal to women but not men aren’t sexist. It’s fantasy, not reality and I think people understand that. I agree that porn shouldn’t be the place where teens learn about sex, but you should blame the parents or the schools for that lack of knowledge, not porn. I agree that there should be good working conditions for porn actresses, but this doesn’t mean that their job is fundamentally exploitative any more than waitressing is. This is why third wave feminism is so much better than second wave.

  64. 64
    Jim Pivonka

    I want to post a link to FBook but the blurb is coming up as (the first?) comment, instead of something from the post… Help?

  65. 65
    Jon

    What and the male sexuality in porn _isn’t_ distorted?? It’s usually a Masturbational fantasy . By _definition_ it’s distorted. (there is amateur porn out there of course). What we do with our fantasies and how helpful or damaging they are is certainly up for debate, but everything from barbie to pron to Jane Austin to Rambo is a ginned up idealizational fantasy in some, often many, ways. I don’t know why we need to demonize them in order to question them. And I’m certainly sick of the “sexist” label in sooo many ways. Wake up please. Stop making this an us against them thing, it’s really chaffing.

  66. 66
    Me

    If humans were simply mammals like the rest of the animal kingdom this would be pithy and clever. Since we’re a far more complicated species than the rest of the animal kingdom this is kind of cute, and mostly stupid.

  67. 67
    Eric_Rom

    That made me laugh (and a hundred bible thumpers cry), so I say WELL DONE!Hi level among the commentors too. Kudos to all!

  68. 68
    cruxrush

    Isn’t it cute how the truly clueless like to feel superior?

  69. 69
    UsuallyScarlett

    This just made my day!

  70. 70
    hives treatment

    good post…. I like,  its something different  nice….http://www.hives-treatment.com

  71. 71
    emoticons facebook

    I hate people who are scared or feel awkward to talk about sex or sexual things..those are natural things , subject matter is so universal. Research has found that what you put into your mouth has the power to lift your spirits–and certain parts of your anatomy.

  72. 72
    see who views your facebook

    As this is for science, I would like to propose a follow up experiment that we may adequately gauge the effectiveness of this technique on tectonic plate movements and slippage. The follow up experiment is simple with its results being compared to Boobquake’s. We need a scale, you see. If there is no scale then our results will be difficult to measure. This is for science, after all.

  73. 73
    Xanthe Wyse

    that was very clever incorporating facts into a fictional little story like that

  74. 74
    Raquel

    Brilliant!!!

  75. 75
    kendermouse

    Love this, so much.

  76. 76
    JG29A

    Yes. No. Probably a little, but mostly not.Any other quickies you need answered to get up to speed on 21st century science of human behavior?

  77. 77
    Morgan Klumpp

    haha, great! I like this idea! Would you review my web site?

  78. 78
    Arianna Jay

    I don’t know if the boat will ever be able to be patched and spending money to patch is is wasted. Since home owners are the true “listing owners,” then control over the information and I believe it will never be fully “owned” or controlled by the broker, MLS and therefore porn and parasitism is inevitable. A brokerage services model that promotes accurate, timely and freely accessible homes for sale information controlled by the content creator, the owners, will be the one that ultimately wins out.

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