One-liner jokes

The Edinburgh festival fringe has people vote for the best one-liner jokes and the winning ones feature puns aplenty. Here are the top 10.

  1. I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn’t get pasta – Masai Graham (52%)
  2. Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it’s next day delivery? – Mark Simmons (37%)
  3. My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock – Olaf Falafel (36%)
  4. By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I, but it is the same house and the same family – Hannah Fairweather (35%)
  5. I hate funerals. I’m not a mourning person – Will Mars (34%)
  6. I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that’s four hours of my life that I’m definitely getting back – Olaf Falafel (33%)
  7. I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx – Richard Pulsford (29%)
  8. I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery – Tim Vine (28%)
  9. Don’t knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate – Sophie Duker (27%)
  10. I can’t even be bothered to be apathetic these days – Will Duggan (25%)


  1. sonofrojblake says

    Previous top tenner (winner, maybe, can’t be bothered to google) that stuck in my mind:

    “Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?”

  2. seachange says

    I had no idea what an Oxo cube was and had to look it up. It’s instant bouillon of the hardly any flavor and lots of salt variety. I did an image search and if it ever sold in California, I never saw it. Bouillon. Stock. Funny!

    Use Better Than Bouillon brand instead. Almost as good as using a pressure cooker to make you own.

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