There are only 10 more days until May 21, which is Judgment Day when the Rapture happens! What, you didn’t know this? You don’t even know what the Rapture is? Let me fill you in.
The Rapture is the name given to the occasion when all the true believers in Jesus will be suddenly taken up to heaven, prior to him coming back to Earth in all his glory to smite all the sinners who are left behind and then destroys the world. Or something like that. It is all a bit confusing but the main thing to bear in mind is that it is definitely not a good sign if you are still here on May 22 because that means you are not among the chosen few. You are going to be in for a rough time for the next five months before the world comes to a final end on October 21, 2011, totally messing up the baseball World Series that starts on October 19. If the currently hot Cleveland Indians make it to the World Series and the Earth is destroyed before they win, it will confirm the dark suspicions in the minds of Cleveland sports fans that god hates Cleveland, probably because of their repulsive Chief Wahoo symbol.
How do we know that Judgment Day will fall on May 21? This website tells you how they calculated the date. They say that a close reading of all the clues in the Bible says it will occur exactly 7,000 years after Noah’s flood. Even some Rapturists may be surprised that this implies that the Rapture will occur in 2011 CE since according to Bishop Ussher’s famous calculation, the Earth was supposed to have been created in 4004 BCE and Noah’s flood occurred on 2348 BCE. So, according to Ussher’s chronology, 7,000 years after the flood would mean that the Rapture would occur in the year 4653 CE, which gives us plenty of time to destroy the world in other ways, such as with global warming or nuclear wars, and save Jesus the trouble of coming back to do it himself, since I am sure he has lots of other demands on his time.
There have been other predictions of the end of the world that failed to materialize. But the authors of these new calculations say that, although based on the same Bible as the earlier ones, this time they have got it right. Their new dates are as follows.
- 11,013 BC—Creation. God created the world and man (Adam and Eve).
- 4990 BC—The flood of Noah’s day. All perished in a worldwide flood. Only Noah, his wife, and his 3 sons and their wives survived in the ark (6023 years from creation).
- 7 BC—The year Jesus Christ was born (11,006 years from creation).
- 33 AD—The year Jesus Christ was crucified and the church age began (11,045 years from creation; 5023 calendar years from the flood).
- 1988 AD—This year ended the church age and began the great tribulation period of 23 years (13,000 years from creation).
- 1994 AD—On September 7th, the first 2300-day period of the great tribulation came to an end and the latter rain began, commencing God’s plan to save a great multitude of people outside of the churches (13,006 years from creation).
- 2011 AD—On May 21st, Judgment Day will begin and the rapture (the taking up into heaven of God’s elect people) will occur at the end of the 23-year great tribulation. On October 21st, the world will be destroyed by fire (7000 years from the flood; 13,023 years from creation).
Don’t confuse this end of the world with that predicted by the Mayans. Because their calendar only went up to 2012, some people interpreted it to mean that they somehow knew that the world would end that year. But since the Mayans were heathens who did not know Jesus and their calendar was not based on the Bible, they obviously cannot be trusted.
Notice that we are supposed to have gone through a period of ‘great tribulation’ that began in 1988 but frankly I had not noticed anything particularly different happening that year or since. But in hindsight, the signs were all there. In 1988 Bobby McFerrin’s song Don’t Worry, Be Happy won a Grammy award for best song (as well as awards for best album and best male vocalist) which we should have recognized as the sign of the Apocalypse. The title itself was likely code to reassure anxious true believers that they would be saved. Another missed clue was that at 1:15 in this music video (which includes Christopher Reeve and Robin Williams), McFerrin is suddenly whisked up out of his shoes and socks to heaven. People disappearing suddenly and leaving their clothes behind is a dead giveaway that the Rapture is occurring.
I think the evidence is overwhelming that May 21 is the day, so basically we have just ten days left to shape up and get on god’s good side or have to evade slaughter in the following five months, which would be pointless since we would end up in hell on October 21 anyway.
Where presumably our punishment will be that we will have to listen to Don’t Worry, Be Happy on an endless loop.
Ack! Only 10 days? I’m freaking out, not because it’s judgment day but because I’m getting married that day. So much to do! Our wedding will be like this.
I’m so torn. My birthday is on May 23rd. On one hand, I definitely want to be whisked up to heaven with the other true believers. That sounds like fun. On the other hand, I have it on good authority that my wife is getting me ice cream cake for my birthday. I really like ice cream cake, and I’d hate to miss it just because I’m up in heaven. I don’t know what to hope for. Do you think there is ice cream cake in heaven? Probably not -- bakers of ice cream cake are certainly guilty of gluttony, so they wouldn’t qualify for heaven. Ugh…so torn…
SCRIPTURE SAYS NO ONE WILL KNOW THE DAY OR THE HOUR OF JESUS RETURN….
G,
I hear that the Rapture begins with a massive earthquake at 6:00 pm in Ohio, so you could probably be married by then. But an evening party following it might not be advisable. Could you change it to a lunch?
Matt,
You will have to ask the people who studied the Bible to arrive at the Rapture date as to the chances of getting ice cream cake in heaven. They may have the scoop (har!) on what the book of Jeremiah says about it.
G, I think you need to have the DJ play Carole King’s “I Feel the Earth Move” at your reception!
But I really think we need to leave piles of clothes around on that day.
Scott,
I think your idea of leaving piles of clothes lying around is brilliant. It will freak out the true believers who will be deeply disappointed at not having been among the chosen.
On second thoughts, maybe we shouldn’t do it. These people are so far gone that they might do something really stupid in their grief.
Seriously. These predictions of Rapture are becoming a tiresome annual event.
Yeesh.
Great explanation, though, Mano. 😀
P.S. Best of luck on your wedding day, G!
I feel obligated to point out that Bobby McFerrin is a serious jazz musician known for his vocal improvisation. Don’t Worry Be Happy is completely atypical compared to the rest of his work, and even he’s slightly embarrassed at the widespread success it has enjoyed.
It will be interesting to see how many of our country’s politicians will show up for work Monday morning after.
“SCRIPTURE SAYS NO ONE WILL KNOW THE DAY OR THE HOUR OF JESUS RETURN”
scripture says a lot of stuff most of which modern-day man has dismissed as fantasy. yet you believe this little line?
Well, this judgment day came and passed. There is another judgment day in 2012 predicted by the Mayans. If a person always worry about the end of time, then they cannot truly enjoy all the wonderful things Earth has to offer. I say, instead of worrying about “IF” the world is coming to an end, instead enjoy every day as if it were your last.
Every year people tout it’s going to be the end of the world. The sky is falling the sky is falling! It’s a little sad that so many people fall under the spell of fear.
These religious idiots are getting too much airtime. Harold Camping is now world famous for his stupid predictions
I find the notion of a God punishing people for not believing in him is very amusing.
Love the study against Bobby McFerrin 🙂
It really doesn’t matter whether Judgment Day is upon us or not. It doesn’t make a tiny bit of difference. What is important is how we spend our day to day life. How we maintain the quality of our lives. The bottomline is: Are we happy?
I am Christian and i don’t think God will kill us 😉
Or at least this is what the Church thought us in Italy 🙂
Rapture Predictions are changing. Now it is over to Oct 21, 2011. I don’t think whatever the calculations humans do, but GOD is sitting above and probably changing it now and then..