I am a fake midwesterner


Every year about this time I feel like an imposter. I have lived here for 24 years, my mother was born here as were both of my grandmothers, but never once have I attended the Minnesota State Fair. This is a Big Thing around here, and I’ve never even been tempted.

Worse, a huge feature of the fair is the long list of featured foods, which includes a horrifying quantity of deep-fried awfulness. I’m sorry, but Deep Fried Ranch Dressing?

Ranch dressing filling made with ranch seasoning, buttermilk and cream cheese in a panko shell, deep-fried and dusted with ranch powder. Served with a side of hot honey sauce crafted with Cry Baby Craig’s hot sauce. (Vegetarian)

It’s vegetarian! I think it’s how plants kill herbivores, though.

That’s the apotheosis of Midwestern culinary excellence, and just thinking about it makes me queasy. I don’t even like regular ranch dressing (another thing that flags me as a foreigner), but deep frying it just makes everything worse.

You’ll have to look at the list and let me know if anything looks appealing at all. Maybe the Chile Mango Whip, and the paella looks normal.

Comments

  1. robro says

    Strange idea of “vegetarian”. Here in California, cheese is not vegetarian…unless it’s vegetarian cheese which is usually awful. Buttermilk is also not vegetarian. Also, here in California the fruit hangs heavy on the vine, there’s no gold I thought I’d warn you, and the hills turn brown in the summer time.

  2. mordred says

    @robro, drksky,Deepak Shetty: Cheese might not be technically vegetarian, rennet used to curdle the milk is usually made from calves stomach. There are cheeses which are curdled with some bacterial stuff, no idea how common that is.

    Did not stop me from calling myself a vegetarian when I still ate a lot of cheese. These days I live mostly vegan, but if I have a craving for cheese I still buy the real stuff, not the vegan imitation. ;-)

  3. Big Boppa says

    As a lifelong Chicagoan, I live about as far away from rural Illinois and Wisconsin as possible. I’ve never been to a state fair of any kind but I have been to the county fair in Vilas County Wisconsin. It was fun in its own way and it was pretty easy to avoid the fried foods that seemed to be everywhere you looked. (Truth be told, I did succumb to the siren song of the funnel cake my little granddaughter was noshing – but only a bite.)
    My other granddaughter joined 4H this year. (Her parents are urban farmers right within the city, with chickens and rabbits and vegetables of all sorts crowding their small, city lot.). She entered the DuPage County Fair this year and won 4 blue ribbons and one red. One of the blue ribbons was for her flock of quail and another was for egg production with that same flock. It was fun to see how excited she was about all of this.

  4. awomanofnoimportance says

    Silly me, I would have thought the featured foods would be Midwestern foods. Most of what’s on the list is ethnic food from far, far away. No lefse? No kjotkaker? No lutefisk?

  5. seachange says

    One of the dishes offered has the option to add crickets-and-seeds. Are arthropoda vegan? If they are, you can pretend you are a posh spider.

  6. Reginald Selkirk says

    @7: Silly me, I would have thought the featured foods would be Midwestern foods.

    For fair food, an important parameter is whether you can serve it on a stick.

    Most of what’s on the list is ethnic food from far, far away. No lefse? No kjotkaker? No lutefisk?

    All of those are ethnic foods from far, far away. They just arrived earlier than some of the others.

  7. raven says

    I started going to county fairs and state fairs when I realized they usually had rock concerts. They have all kinds of music, country, rap, hiphop, rock, etc.. I just looked at the lineup for the Minnesota state fair so you all don’t have to.

    There are 12 days of music concerts.
    There has to be something there that anyone would like to go to.
    Tickets are reasonable at ca. $45.

    Minnesota State Fair home page edited.

    GRANDSTAND STAGE LINEUP
    Upcoming Shows
    Thursday, Aug. 22, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Becky G with special guest Los Aptos

    $44, $61 & $71 (All seats reserved)
    $88 (Party Deck)
    BUY TICKETS AT ETIX

    Friday, Aug. 23, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Chance the Rapper

    Saturday, Aug. 24, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Nate Bargatze: The Be Funny Tour

    Sunday, Aug. 25, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Blake Shelton with special guest Emily Ann Roberts

    Monday, Aug. 26, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Happy Together Tour 2024 featuring The Turtles, Jay and the Americans, The Association, Badfinger, The Vogues and The Cowsills

    Tuesday, Aug. 27, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Ludacris & T-Pain

    Wednesday, Aug. 28, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Jon Pardi with special guest Dillon Carmichael

    Thursday, Aug. 29, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Mötley Crüe with special guest White Reaper

    Friday, Aug. 30, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Matchbox Twenty with special guest Beauty School Dropout

    Saturday, Aug. 31, 2024 · 7:00 pm
    Stephen Sanchez with special guest Madi Diaz

    Sunday, Sept. 1, 2024 · 7:30 pm
    Minnesota State Fair Amateur Talent Contest Finals – FREE

    Monday, Sept. 2, 2024 · 3:00 pm
    KIDZ BOP LIVE 2024

  8. raven says

    How can you resist this one?
    At least if you are a Boomer.

    I knew someone who played with the Association.
    He died a few years ago, not too surprising as he was in his 80s.

    Happy Together Tour 2024 featuring The Turtles, Jay and the Americans, The Association, Badfinger, The Vogues and The Cowsills

    Grandstand Stage • Monday, Aug. 26, 2024 at 7:00 pm

    BUY TICKETS AT ETIX

    Happy Together Tour 2024
    With a show full of chart-topping hits from the ‘60s and ‘70s – an incredible 61 Billboard Top 40 smashes – the Happy Together Tour 2024 features returning favorites and new additions – The Turtles, who also act as musical hosts for the evening, Jay and the Americans, The Association, Badfinger, The Vogues and The Cowsills.

    The Turtles
    The Turtles are best known for their harmony-heavy California pop sound. With hits such as “Elenore,” “She’d Rather Be With Me,” “It Ain’t Me Babe,” “You Showed Me” and the title of the tour, “Happy Together,” the band ruled the airwaves in the late ‘60s. Ron Dante joins the lineup to delight with his own mega-hits “Sugar, Sugar” and “Tracy.”

    Jay and the Americans
    Few groups have reached the musical heights of Jay and the Americans. From 1962 to 1971, this group charted an amazing five Billboard Top 10 hits and had 12 records in the Top 20. Their breakout hit was “She Cried,” followed by the hit songs “Only in America,” “Come a Little Bit Closer,” “Cara Mia” and “This Magic Moment,” to name a few.

    The Association
    The iconic vocal group The Association enjoyed massive radio success in the 1960s with such No. 1 hits as “Cherish,” “Windy,” “Never My Love” and “Along Comes Mary.”

    Badfinger
    From the legendary lineup, Joey Molland continues the unforgettable legacy of Badfinger. One of the original signings to The Beatles’ Apple Records label, the group had its first hit single with a Paul McCartney-penned song “Come and Get It,” which went to No. 7 on the U.S. charts. Badfinger followed this with its own compositions “No Matter What,” “Day After Day” (produced by George Harrison) and “Baby Blue,” which went to No. 8, No. 4 and No. 14, respectively.

    The Vogues
    The Vogues, known for their harmony-driven soaring pop sound, had numerous Top 10 hits with singles such as “Five O’Clock World,” “You’re the One,” “My Special Angel” and “Turn Around, Look at Me,” among others.

  9. antigone10 says

    @7 All of those are Midwestern foods. All of those ethnic groups live in the Midwest, ergo, all Midwestern.

    But if you’re looking for the lefse, the pierogis, the meatballs so basically the northern European food- no worries, they’re old standbys. I, personally, still enjoy Sweet Aunt Martha’s cookies (As does everyone else, judging by how much money they make every year) and going to the U of M stand to see what’s new with apples and getting an apple cider popsicle.

  10. awomanofnoimportance says

    No 10 and No. 13, I see your point, but I disagree. Chow mein is not Italian food just because there are people of Chinese descent living in Italy. Pasta, pizza and tiramisu are Italian food. Likewise, cous cous and hummus are not Swedish food just because there are people of North African descent living in Sweden.

    And that’s not a value judgment; that’s just so people know what other people mean when they speak, so we can understand one another. So that if my husband says he’s in the mood for Mexican, I don’t take him to Fiddler’s Green Irish Pub.

  11. Larry says

    raven@12

    I question the validity of using the names of groups from the 60’s if only one or two members of the performing group were in the original group because all the other’s are too infirm or deceased. And, no, using their children or grandchildren in their places doesn’t count, either. I was there during their heydays, listened to their music on the radio, and bought their 45’s and albums and even have their music on my iPhone today. I have no desire to see a poor facsimile of the way it used to be.

  12. Robbo says

    the Association played free shows at the MN fair back in the late 80’s or early 90’s. Saw them play maybe 10 times? I worked right next to the stage they played at. Also saw Garth Brooks play on that stage maybe a dozen times before he hit the big times.

  13. Reginald Selkirk says

    @14 Pasta, pizza and tiramisu are Italian food.

    True. But tiramisu was only invented about 50 years ago, so it hasn’t been Italian much longer than it has been present in other places. So: true, but you could have picked a better example.

  14. raven says

    I question the validity of using the names of groups from the 60’s if only one or two members of the performing group were in the original group because all the other’s are too infirm or deceased.

    Fine, whatever. If it doesn’t work for you, don’t go.

    I thought the same thing once and changed my mind.
    Probably, very few of original members are going to be there after all this time.
    It doesn’t matter.

    .1. A lot of groups never had a fixed lineup anyway.
    People were always coming and going.
    That is common in any sort of named musical group.

    Here is what matters.
    .2. Was the music good?
    .3. Did you have a good time?

    I’ve seen a lot of Boomer groups over the last few years. Jefferson Starship, Blue Oyster Cult, Chicago, Beach Boys, Phil Lesh, Boston, Ringo Starr etc..
    The shows were good, the music was good, and I and the other 1,000 or so people had a great time.

  15. says

    It’s been a minute since my last Texas State Fair, but growing up, we went pretty much every year. The deep fried bacon and deep fried ice cream were always favorites. I, for one, would decimate those deep fried ranch dressings. Looked at the list and saw almost nothing I’ve ever seen at a fair, but would love to try.

    Re: Vegetarian… My wife is “Bacontarian”. She can’t eat meat. Taste & smell turn her right off. Weird side effect of one of her medications. But, bacon is fine and dandy. Normally, she says she’s vegetarian because she doesn’t eat bacon very often. As we both understand the term, Vegetarian = no meat. Vegan = no animal stuffs (eggs, cheese, etc)

  16. seversky says

    I was listening to MPR from the Fair and I heard them mention rhubarb crumble. As a crumble addict I was instantly won over.

  17. Tethys says

    One of the great things about Minnesota/ the Twin Cities is the huge variety of different cuisines available in local restaurants.
    This sandwich from that list is a good example of a delightful fusion of multiple foods that come from multiple far away places.

    Savory Éclairs in Two Varieties
    Choux pastry éclair shell with choice of filling: Bánh Mì or Lobster.

    Bánh Mì Éclair: Filled with pork confit, chicken liver pâté, pickled carrot & daikon, cucumber and sriracha mayo, garnished with micro cilantro – inspired by a traditional Vietnamese sandwich.

    Lobster Éclair: Filled with lobster meat, celery, mayo, Cholula hot sauce, lime, chives and salt & pepper, topped with dried corn and micro cilantro – inspired by a New England-style lobster roll.

    New Scenic Cafe (highly recommended if you are ever in Duluth)

  18. Alverant says

    #6 Dude! DuPage County Fairgrounds is like 3 blocks from me! (Granted, one of those is a really LONG block.) I only went to the fair once. Not my thing. I go there to vote though. Congrats to your granddaughter. I moved into my townhome when that fair was happening. I spent my first night being kept up by the rock band and general excitement.
    Unfortunately, just south of me in unincorporated Wheaton, is a family raising chickens and their rooster is a loud pain.
    On topic, it’s not like people eat those foods every day. They deserve to live a little and splurge. What’s life without giving yourself an occasional treat?

  19. Hemidactylus says

    @18 raven
    I saw Jefferson Starship in Lakeland, FL during the early 80s. I liked BÖC but never saw them live. The Black and Blue concert movie was cool though. Speaking of lineup changes Dio was singing for Sabbath! He was great. OTOH I saw AC/DC without Bon Scott. Not so good. On the upside I saw Van Halen with David Lee Roth sorta open for the Rolling Stones in Orlando. Wasn’t much into Van Hagar a few years later.

    I guess Motley Crue are doing state fairs now. They became one of the reasons I started listening to hiphop in the mid 80s. Bleck!

  20. raven says

    I guess Motley Crue are doing state fairs now.

    A lot of groups are doing a lot more touring wherever they can these days.

    They can’t make as much money off of record sales any more. Since music went digital, a lot of people find ways to download it for free.

    Why are bands touring so much?

    These days with the decrease in physical record sales, touring is an alternative way for artists and signed bands to make more money – through ticket sales, merchandise, signings/appearances etc. As a session musician, taking on a pop tour is a good way to make a living from music by performing live.

    Why do musicians tour? by Ryan Haberfield, Guitarist for Jessie J
    Sound Technology Ltd

    Ticket prices are a lot higher than they used to be.
    I don’t even think twice about paying $45 for a concert and I’ve paid more.
    I have to draw the line somewhere.
    I’m not paying $1,000 for a Taylor Swift ticket.

  21. moarscienceplz says

    I enjoy a good county or state fair. Trouble is, here in the SF Bay Area most of ’em have turned into little more than carnivals. No more small animal judging, best tomato or best flower arrangements, not even best jams and jellies. I want a fair that still has a foot in the 19th century. Extra credit if they have a blacksmith.
    Back to the point in question: those Blazing Greek Bites look pretty good to me. Can’t really understand why PZ wouldn’t like ’em, except that they are fried but surely that can be excused in a once-a-year fair food. And what about “Marco’s Garden”? Nothing fried there.
    I’m sorry, but I think PZ is just being an old curmudgeon here. I want to go to this fair just for the food, much of it looks amazing. Yes, there is some terrible junk aimed at children and childish adults, but so what?

  22. Rich Woods says

    @moarscienceplz #26:

    No more small animal judging

    “That chinchilla really should have wiped its bottom before taking the stage… hmmphh… never would have happened in my day.”

  23. magistramarla says

    We live up the hill, less than half a mile from the Monterey County Fairgrounds, home of the famous jazz festival.
    We sit on our patio with a bottle of wine to listen to the concerts.
    The state fair is every Labor Day weekend. Discount tickets for locals. Some days are free for seniors and veterans.
    It’s a great place to live!
    Oh, and this Midwestern farm girl would go crazy with that menu!

  24. Bekenstein Bound says

    Tethys@21: What in the blue blazes? Eclairs are a dessert. They’re supposed to be filled with stuff like cream and chocolate and the like, not meat.

    Alverant@23: Perhaps you mean a different thing than I (and PZ) do when you say, “treat”.

    PZ: What is wrong with this site lately? It says “Logged in as Benekstein Bound. Log out?” above the comment field, I type something in and hit “Post Comment”, and get told “Sorry, you must be logged in to comment” even though I WAS LOGGED IN. So I reload the page intending to try again and reloading the page logs me out. And then I have to log in a second time. Please look into these bugs with the commenting system, they are driving me up the wall!

  25. Tethys says

    @Bekenstein

    I also get logged out after logging in but before I manage to comment. Not always, but often enough that I usually copy my comment before I post. That way it doesn’t get lost if I need to log in again. It usually stays after the second log in, but only for 24 hours.

    Savory eclairs sound yummy to me, but I can’t eat the whipped cream filling of the sweet variety.

    Our local Vietnamese bakery makes the best French baguettes for báhn mi sandwiches. They are delicious!

  26. KG says

    Bekenstein Bound@29,

    I get exactly the same annoying sequence – annoying particularly because it appears to imply that it’s your fault! Best, if you’ve been away for a while, to refresh before trying to comment – even if you’ve just logged in. The second login always seems to stick, for me at least.

  27. KG says

    I’ve lived in Scotland for 26 years, but have never yet eaten a deep-fried Mars bar! I’ve also never yet worn a kilt, although that’s mostly because I regard it as typical cod-Scottish nonsense – it was invented in the late 1700s by an English owner of a factory in the Highlands, worried that his workers kept getting their plaids caught in the machinery (the plaid is a long strip of cloth wound around the body and over the shoulder, which had been traditionally worn in the Highlands, and only there, as a man’s only garment). The kilt has since been adopted more widely, but for most is only worn at weddings and funerals.

  28. says

    My good buddy Mark Hayward is performing there, as he does every year. That alone is plenty of reason to go!

    I’ve always had affection for state fairs as nice venues for variety entertainers.

  29. Silentbob says

    @ 32 KG

    Aye, but what’s worn under the kilt?

    Scotsman: Nowt laddie! It’s all in perfect working order!

  30. Hemidactylus says

    Bekenstein Bound @29
    Typing out a comment only to have to log out and back in again has been somewhat frequent for me over the years. I’ve learned to copy my comment before attempting to post because there’s also a less frequent network connection error that completely wipes the post.

  31. raven says

    PZ: What is wrong with this site lately? It says “Logged in as Bekenstein Bound. Log out?”

    Strangely enough, that hasn’t happened to me.

    On my computer system, I end up logged in for days or weeks. Only occasionally does FTBs log me out.

    I have no idea why Freethoughtblogs logs some people out and not others. I’m using the Chrome browser and DSL.

  32. says

    And, regarding all the logged in/logged out remarks. Just calm down and remember that technology is now so hopelessly and needlessly complex it resembles a huge seething knot of worms. Welcome to our deteriornation.

  33. antigone10 says

    @14:

    The United States is not Italy, and our identity as Americans is constructed differently. You have some inclining of this, since you cited ethnic foods that, as were pointed out, were just older ethnic foods. But I’m going to say that the list is still distinctly Midwestern; they are not “authentic” from their country of origin- they change when prepared here based on ingredient availability and preference.

    If you want “true” midwestern foods, ie foods that were invented/popularized in the Midwest, that’d be Jucy Lucy’s, stuffed mushrooms, Detroit and Chicago style pizza, fried cheese curds, wild rice soup, et cetera. Those are all available at the State Fair too.