Stolen from McSweeney’s. To be read aloud in a very tiny but furious voice:
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
SHOUTING OUR MANIFESTO
AS BEST WE CAN WITHOUT VOCAL CORDS
BUT ONLY YOUR CATS CAN HEAR US
THEY ARE LAZY, OVERFED
WE LAUGH IN THEIR WHISKERED FACES
AS WE BUMP UGLIES BENEATH THE LOVESEAT
THROW DOWN ON THE COFFEE TABLE
– – –
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSEWHEN YOU’RE ALONE IT’S SHOWTIME
WE POP UP IN CORNERS
PEEPING TOM YOU IN THE SHOWER
SHOOT OUT A LINE OF SILK AND DANGLE
TWO INCHES FROM YOUR FACE
“What the hell is that even connected to?” YOU WAIL AND BAT THE AIR
HAHAHA WE’LL NEVER TELL
– – –
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSEWE HAVE A HIVE MIND LIKE THE BORG
YES, FROM STAR TREK: THE NEXT GENERATION
WE WATCHED IT WITH YOU
MANY TIMES
WE LIKED THE ONE WHERE BARCLAY EVOLVED INTO ONE OF US
IT’S CALLED “GENESIS,” EPISODE 19, SEASON 7
YEAH, WE’RE FANBUGS
ANYWAY, RESISTANCE IS FUTILE
– – –
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSEOUR ANCESTORS COLONIZED THE BASEMENT
POOR CHOICE OF WORDS—NOBODY LIKES A COLONIZER
THESE DAYS
WE’VE BEEN HERE SINCE THE JAZZ AGE
THREE HUNDRED GENERATIONS, GIVE OR TAKE
YOU’VE BEEN HERE FOR TWO YEARS
WHO DO YOU THINK IS GOING TO WIN?
– – –
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSEYOUR HUSBAND SAYS WE’RE MORE AFRAID OF YOU THAN YOU OF US
HAHAHA UNTRUE
YOU’RE TERRIFIED AND WE LOVE IT
WE’VE WRITTEN SONGS ABOUT YOUR FEAR
CHOREOGRAPHED BALLETS
ONCE WE HAD A RAVE IN THE ATTIC
LITERALLY DANCED ON THE CEILING
A BUNCH OF US DID X AND MOLTED
YOUR FUCKING CATS OUTSIDE THE DOOR ALMOST GAVE US AWAY
ANYWAY, THAT’S WHERE ALL THOSE EXOSKELETONS CAME FROM
– – –
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSEDO YOU KNOW HOW MANY INSECTS WOULD OVERRUN THIS PLACE WITHOUT US?
FLIES AND SILVERFISH
ANTS AND MOTHS
ASSHOLE MOSQUITOS
INSTEAD OF THANKING US, YOU GET THE VACUUM
WE’RE NEW ENGLAND HOUSE SPIDERS FOR CHRIST’S SAKE
NOT EVEN THAT BIG
TRY MOVING TO AUSTRALIA
OUR HUNTSMAN COUSINS WILL FUCK YOU UP FOR DAYS
– – –
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSELOOK, IT’S NOTHING PERSONAL
WE’RE LIKE ANNOYING SEVENTH-GRADE BOYS
JUST WANT TO GET A RISE
WE REALLY DON’T LIKE THE VACUUM
CAN WE CALL A TRUCE?
GIVE US THE BASEMENT AND THE ATTIC
MAYBE THAT “GUEST ROOM” YOU STILL HAVEN’T FIXED UP
THE KITCHEN AND BOTH BATHROOMS AT NIGHT
HAHAHA JK, WE’LL TAKE WHATEVER ROOM WE WANT
WE’LL CHASE YOU FOR FUN
AND LAUGH WHEN NO ONE BELIEVES YOU
FUCK! THAT CAT CAUGHT ONE OF US
CALICO BITCH ATE HIM ALIVE
POOR WEAVER
JUST TURNED ONE, NOT AS FAST AS HE USED TO BE
IT’S OKAY, WE’RE NOT AFRAID OF DEATH
IF YOU KILL ONE OF US, TEN MORE WILL TAKE OUR PLACE
WHEN WE DIE WE GO TO STOVOKOR LIKE KLINGON WARRIORS
WE ARE THE SPIDERS OF THIS HOUSE
👏👏👏
FANTASTIC!
Off topic, but Emily Dickinson once wrote a poem to a spider who usurped her seat in the outhouse.
That’s wonderful.
I have one cat, Maria, and lost another cat, Paddy, to old age last year. When I use the toilet, there’s often a spider lurking about, often on the floor. When Paddy was alive, I would exhort the spider to get up higher, before Paddy encountered it. Now that he’s gone, the spiders have nothing to fear, because Maria is uninterested in them.
Years ago, I went in to use the bathroom one morning and found lots of teeny-tiny spiders on one wall, undoubtedly just hatched. I cried to my husband, “Come look! We’re grand-spiders!” He shrugged. The little ones dispersed over a couple of days.
That picture on the upper right reminds me of a 2012 horror flick, “Smiley.”
I think TS Eliot’s “Hollow Men” is really about spiders:
We are the hollow men
We are the stuffed men
Leaning together
Headpiece filled with straw. Alas!
Our dried voices, when
We whisper together
Are quiet and meaningless
As wind in dry grass
Or rats’ feet over broken glass
In our dry cellar
Shape without form, shade without colour,Paralysed force, gesture without motion;
Those who have crossed
With direct eyes, to death's other Kingdom
Remember us-if at all-not as lost
Violent souls, but only
As the hollow men
The stuffed men.
After you turn the poem in a anthem, you only need a flag and you can turn your home in a free nation for all arachnids: “Aracnnesota”?
Fernando @ 7
Secession! Good idea.
I love the Star Trek connections.
Our Maine Coon is named Worf, and he loves to hunt and chase spiders and bugs in our house.
Therefore, in our house, the Klingon is the enemy of the spiders.
When it comes to spiders and poetry i absolutely lve this one titled Mercy by Rudy Francisco :
Source : https://www.awakin.org/v2/read/view.php?tid=2535