Do not put Gwyneth Paltrow in your vagina


I am not going to watch a single moment of Paltrow’s new show on Netflix, and you shouldn’t either. Boycott it. Cancel it. It’s a disgrace and it hasn’t even aired yet. It’s called The Goop Lab, and there is no science behind it at all, no lab, no research, just a bunch of rich people jumping on tired old bandwagons like energy healing or psychic mediums and using them as vehicles to sell crap to the gullible.

You can get a sufficient feel for the garbage being peddled from the trailer.

The last line there from Paltrow is We’re going to milk the shit out of it. Finally, some truth.

But another interpretation offers a clear description of Paltrow’s business model, which feeds into the multi-trillion-dollar wellness industry. (That’s a lot of milk.) With the ever-elusive possibility of a better life, backed by her celebrity status and good genetics, Paltrow’s Goop hawks uber-expensive aspirational wellness products. That includes a $350 crazy straw, an $84 water bottle with a “positive energy” rock in it, and an $85 “Shaman Medicine Bag” with “magically charged stones.”

The business model is depressingly successful. Goop’s valuations in recent years have soared to $250 million, and the company has expanded into brick-and-mortar stores on multiple continents. The Netflix series is just the latest sign of Goop’s achievements.

I guess I won’t be seeing the next MCU movie if she’s in it, either. Thanks for the excuse!

Comments

  1. Akira MacKenzie says

    It’s called “The Goop Lab”…

    The Goop Lab sound like a 90s era Nickelodeon kid’s show.

    The business model is depressingly successful. Goop’s valuations in recent years have soared to $250 million, and the company has expanded into brick-and-mortar stores on multiple continents.

    And if you criticize her business, Gwen and her credulous loon followers will throw a fit, accusing you of opposing “female empowerment.” Because hawking dangerous vaginal-based New Age quackery is a major tenet of modern feminism. /s

  2. Akira MacKenzie says

    Speaking of vaginal, did anyone besides me notice the background of the posted ad, or is that just my lonely, dirty, sex-starved imagination?

  3. doubter says

    “I guess I won’t be seeing the next MCU movie if she’s in it, either.”

    That’s not Gwyneth you’re watching, it’s Pepper Potts! Pepper is much more sensible than Gwyneth.

  4. says

    Akira MacKenzie @#2

    Speaking of vaginal, did anyone besides me notice the background of the posted ad, or is that just my lonely, dirty, sex-starved imagination?

    I did. For me this seemed pretty obvious. Incidentally, I am neither sex-starved nor predominantly sexually attracted to women.

  5. microraptor says

    and an $85 “Shaman Medicine Bag” with “magically charged stones.”

    What’s quackery without a side of cultural appropriation, after all?

  6. ikanreed says

    Most art should reflect the culture of the time, and “huckstery hypersexualized nonsense” is pretty on the nose.

  7. leerudolph says

    Reading down the screen, having just finished PZ’s post on predation, when I got to this post my eye hit the string of words “Paltrow’s Goop hawks”, my mind parsed it as a phrase, and I got very confused.

  8. Akira MacKenzie says

    Andreas Avester @ 4

    I admit, I was still a little groggy this morning and I didn’t initially make the connection for the first few minutes.

  9. Owlmirror says

    I have a vague suspicion that “Reach New Depths”, along with the obvious imagery, could be a reference to the infamous jade egg vaginal suppository controversy.

    I can’t quite figure out if it was the ad designer independently trying to subtly indicate contempt for Paltrow, or a pro-Paltrow swipe at Dr. Jen Gunter. I guess the text makes me lean toward the former. If “reach new heights” is meant to reference positive achievement, then wouldn’t “reach new depths” connote something negative?

    Or am I overthinking again?

  10. Susan Montgomery says

    @1 Well, why not? Them using our values and virtues against us has worked very well over the last 20 years. It’s given them victories they would have never won any other way. Why stop now?

  11. gijoel says

    @5 Dear sweet baby jebus that is so wrong. What was she thinking? It reminds me of the Cheech and Chong episode on South Park.

  12. hookflash says

    You guys should have a look at “Jensplaining” on CBC. It’s the perfect antidote to Paltrow’s poison: An actual doctor (Jen Gunter) uses her actual expertise to debunk the “wellness industrial complex.”

  13. nomdeplume says

    Seriously though, this must be one of the all time great headlines on Freethoughtblogs!

  14. says

    I think Phineas Taylor Barnum said it best (if indeed he did say it) “There’s a sucker born every minute”.
    And I wouldn’t put mistress Paltrow anywhere, not even on a stage (unless it was leaving town).

  15. Ragutis says

    I guess I won’t be seeing the next MCU movie if she’s in it, either. Thanks for the excuse!

    Well, [SPOILER] Iron Man’s dead. And looking at the Phase Four schedule, I don’t see where Pepper or [SPOILER] Rescue would fit in. So, at least you’re safe in that aspect if you choose to see any of the movies.

    The trailer looks boring. Even the “sexy” orgasm bit. Nothing Dr. Ruth, Sex.Right.Now. or dozens of others haven’t covered (unless there’s semi-precious paperweights being used in this one). Actually, I think that’s the same lady that was in a Slutever episode. Still, after all this time of body hangups, shame, and ignorance persisting, I guess there could be some good if it does encourage more people to get familiar with and comfortable with their intimate parts. I just hope they’re able to winnow the kernel of good from the chaff of woo-woo.

  16. wzrd1 says

    I’ll simply do what I do.
    Pay for those I approve of and with films with her, pirate them.
    That’s worse than burning, economically.
    Buying anything from her, never, rather masturbate with a cheese grater.

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