It’s not so bad to be Tiffany anymore

I’m having a weird reaction to the revelatory Buzzfeed News story that Trump is a lying crook. I’m not surprised that he’s a fraud, that he directed his lawyer to lie under oath about his corrupt business dealings with Russia, and that the article is cautious and sober while pointing out that Trump was committing felonies. Nobody is surprised by any of that any more.

No, it may be silly and trivial, but my brain had a hiccup every time it ran across the word “children”.

And even as Trump told the public he had no business deals with Russia, the sources said Trump and his children Ivanka and Donald Trump Jr. received regular, detailed updates about the real estate development from Cohen, whom they put in charge of the project.

In his plea deal with Mueller’s team, Cohen acknowledged that the conversations he had about the project with Trump exceeded the three short briefings he testified that he gave the president and that he also held more extensive discussions about it with other members of the Trump family. The sources said Cohen gave Trump’s children “very detailed updates.”

Maybe it’s just me, but the word “children” has nothing but positive associations for me, and it was jarring to hear about children scheming to commit crimes, even as I know I am a child of my parents, and I knew Ivanka and Jr are grown-ass adults. Great big criminal grown-ass adults with undeserved wealth and unwarranted power, who lied at every step of a federal investigation.

A spokesperson for Ivanka Trump’s attorney wrote that she was only “minimally involved” in the project. “Ms. Trump did not know about this proposal until after a non-binding letter of intent had been signed, never talked to anyone outside the Organization about the proposal, never visited the prospective project site and, even internally, was only minimally involved,” wrote Peter Mirijanian.

Donald Trump Jr., meanwhile, testified to the Senate Judiciary Committee on Sept. 7, 2017, that he was only “peripherally aware” of the plan to build a tower in Moscow. “Most of my knowledge has been gained since as it relates to hearing about it over the last few weeks.”

I think, though, I’ll be able to overcome my qualms at sentencing children, and will be able to find grim satisfaction in their trials. Lock up the whole damn crime family.

Except Tiffany. And probably Barron. Probably. At this point I wouldn’t be surprised to learn he was a courier for conspirators, hiding bag money in his teddy bear.


  1. kiki says

    It’s a tricky one if you’re a journo, as ‘offspring’ or ‘progeny’ sounds too creepy and clinical, and ‘adult children’ or ‘son and daughter’ are too unwieldy to use more than once. And ‘hellspawn’, while accurate, probably wouldn’t make it past the legal department.

  2. UnknownEric the Apostate says

    Somewhere in America, Ms. Darwish reads this headline, gasps, and shouts “Are all the malls reopening? IS BIG HAIR BACK?”

  3. Sean Boyd says

    I’ve thought for some time now that the GOP would prefer President Pence. I now wonder if this is the type of evidence that, if verified, would lead enough congressional Republicans to agree to impeachment. In a saner universe, we would’ve crossed that Rubicon some time ago. In a sane universe, Trump would never have come close to being elected. In this universe?

  4. says

    If they all go to prison, do they need to build a specialized holding cell for Eric so he doesn’t just revert to his gelatinous form and escape?

    For the elder children, perhaps Large Adult Children with the abbreviation “LAC”? Don Jr. and Eric are definitely Large Adult Sons ( but can Ivanka be a Large Adult Daughter?

    I feel a little bad for Tiffany and Barron. They already had a shitty start in life with the Hamberdler as a father, but their crime family older siblings just make it all that much harder.

  5. says

    Sean @6
    Congressional Republicans are never going to impeach the Hamberdler, no matter what he does, until his approval with Republicans starts tanking. I read elsewhere today about how his general approval has started downward again, but it hasn’t yet breached that third of Americans base level yet.

    At least Mitch has found his voice again though. He’s now complaining that the Democrats are trying for a power grab by letting Americans vote.

  6. Sean Boyd says

    Tabby Lavalamp @8,
    Well, a sane universe would be boring, I guess? I tend to agree that the Hamberdler’s job is safe…but I also wonder if congressional Republicans think they could get more of what they want with a more rational (albeit evil and scum-sucking) alternative. We’d be better off voting the fuckers out at any rate, just to make sure.

    Read that bit about Mitch this morning. I guess freedom really is slavery. When did “1984” become an instruction manual, anyway?

  7. zetopan says

    Around the time of Nixon’s “Southern Strategy”. Try to name one republican president who wasn’t a complete flake or an idiot after that time.

  8. chrislawson says


    Bush Sr was not a flake or idiot. He was still responsible for many terrible things, but he was the only Republican President since Nixon with any brains. He was also responsible for the greatest Presidential moment in history: vomiting in the lap of the Japanese Prime Minister at an official function.

  9. robro says

    New development. Various sources are reporting that Mueller’s office says the BuzzFeed account is not accurate. From a CBS story:

    BuzzFeed’s description of specific statements to the Special Counsel’s Office, and characterization of documents and testimony obtained by this office, regarding Michael Cohen’s Congressional testimony are not accurate…