Satire is dead, again


Some alt-right wackaloon has announced a new vidyagame, Jesus Strikes Back: Judgment Day. It features a gun-toting Jesus, “Dolph”, an Austrian with a toothbrush mustache (not to be confused, they insist, with Hitler), an orange blonde guy named “Tromp” (not to be confused, etc.), “Pootin” (ntbc…), “Mussolino”, etc., etc., etc. as the heroes, who are on a mission to kill “radical social justice warriors,” “radical feminists,” “radical LGBT militants,” oh god I’m already bored and tired of this bullshit game, and it hasn’t even been made yet. Oh also, one class of enemies are “Doctors”, who vaccinate people.

The story of JSB:JD is so utterly complex that it simply cannot be conveyed by mere words on a webpage. It is a story so beautifully crafted and rich in detail that it could of very well been written by Tolstoy himself. A story so powerfully moving that it is guaranteed to bring a tear to the eye of even the most reserved, indifferent man.

JSB:JD follows the story of seven different men on their own one-man-crusade to destroy the radicals and the New World regime, and how this shared goal forces their destinies to entwine. With the odds stacked against them, they have nothing to rely on except the triumph of the will if victory is to be theirs. Although they may not share the same beliefs or characteristics, their shared hatred of the radicals and New World regime unites them together, ultimately forming mankind’s last hope for salvation against the tyrannical regime.

They may not always see eye-to-eye, but they must put aside their differences if they ever wish to liberate the world back to rightful law and order. They must struggle against all odds – against the whole world – if they are to be victorious.

Fuck, I don’t care. I don’t care if they’re trying to satirize SJWs, anti-SJWs, or whatever…this is just bad, clumsy, unfunny, tedious crap.

If it makes them feel better, they can go ahead and claim they owned me. Don’t give a damn. Except to say that my cynical despair over the state of humanity is confirmed once again.

Comments

  1. nomdeplume says

    “could of very well been written by Tolstoy”. I think Tolstoy would of written “could have very well been written”.

  2. microraptor says

    Meanwhile in Mainstreamgameland, dudebros are furiously crowing about how you can shoot suffragists in Red Dead Redemption 2.

  3. says

    For some reason it reminds me of the game Broforce, which is such an over-the-top parody of action movies that it’s hilarious. This thing looks like it might be serious though.

    Also, the writing is so good that the author wrote “could of” instead of “could have”.

  4. says

    Yeah… NOPE.

    I’m sure there’s a “niche market” for that sort of thing — there seems to be one for everything no matter how offensive (hell, there’s an entire genre of rape simulators) — but I don’t think this will sell well at all.

  5. Holms says

    Pretty much guaranteed to be asset-flip shovelware, and very possibly a troll venture designed more to make Ess Jay Doubleyous write angry posts about it than any genuine desire to make a game.

  6. davidnangle says

    Crowd-sourcing scam that will start out as an honest attempt to fail completely at understanding what it takes to make a video game.

  7. rayceeya says

    Just had to click around the website to satisfy my curiosity. I’m thinking it looks really scammy. Like there’s a link to “support” the development of the game via bit-coin.

    Can’t say I’d feel bad at all to see a bunch of alt-reich assholes loose their life savings supporting a game that will at best turn, out to be complete vaporware, and at worst turn out to be a complete scam.

    Just look at the “development” team.

    John Christian Republican
    Anon, Angry American
    Anon, (yeah there’s two of them), EU Resistance
    Edge, Edgy Edgelord (I looked up “edgelord” in urban dictionary and I’m still not sure what the difference is from common troll)
    Asian Freelance Workers

    On the home page they have a countdown clock for the alpha release (approximately 45 days), to add credence to this being a “real project”.

    Also, while the web page has “screen shots” of the game there is absolutely no in game footage I can find. Not that I looked very hard.

    There is absolutely no actual contact info on that web page. The email link is a box to enter your own email. The Facebook, Twitter, and Google+ links make it look like an elaborate phishing scam.

    You’d have to be a real moron to give any money or personal info to these guys.

  8. tbtabby says

    The fact that the web site blatantly rips off Grand Theft Auto’s iconic font leads me to support the shovelware idea. Hell, it might even just be a crappy GTA mod.

  9. indianajones says

    I have played FPS games and I don’t think I have ever finished a single one. That means that, were i to play, the tromp, pootin etc folks would ALWAYS lose. Could there be anything in that as a saving grace?

  10. konrad_arflane says

    “could of very well been written by Tolstoy”. I think Tolstoy would of written “could have very well been written”.

    Well. His translator would of have. I don’t know that that particular mistake exists in Russian.

  11. John Morales says

    Heh.

    “Would have” → “would’ve” → “would of”.

    (Phonological Mondegreens)

  12. chrislawson says

    Tolstoy was more like to say “Употребление насилия вызывает злобу людей, подвергает человека, употребляющего насилие для своей защиты, гораздо большим опасностям, чем неупотребление насилия. Так что употребление насилия есть только несообразительность и нерасчетливость.”

    (Trans.: “The use of force evokes the anger of people, exposes the person, who has used force for their own protection, to rather bigger dangers, than the non-use of force. Thus the use of force is only misjudgment and imprudence.” Not the usual philosophy behind an FPS game.)

  13. DexX says

    We would honestly be best served ignoring this. Their crass and obvious business model is as follows:
    1) Spend as little time and money as possible making a video game. (From what I can tell, the entire development time will total up to around four or five months, which is a fraction of the time required for this kind of game.)
    2) Pack it with every offensive thing you can think of you drum up controversy and scored lots of free publicity, both from RWNJs saying “Look, a game for us!” and from well-meaning folks saying “Check out this fascist garbage”.
    3) When you unplayable garbage game is complete, sell as many copies as possible to said RWNJs who are only buying it to “own the libs”.

    If we skip step two and refuse to give it attention and media coverage, this crass and exploitative plan will fail.

  14. alkisvonidas says

    Oh also, one class of enemies are “Doctors”, who vaccinate people.

    How about the Doctor? She clicks the ‘radical social justice warrior’, ‘radical feminist’ AND ‘radical LGBT militant’ boxes (well, at least the ‘T’ box in that last category. Possibly the ‘L’ too, but characterization is unclear as of season 11).

    Just sayin’

  15. cartomancer says

    Tedious. Just tedious. Though, to be fair, what were you expecting from them – great art?

  16. johnson catman says

    . . . ultimately forming mankind’s last hope for salvation against the tyrannical regime.

    I don’t think they understand the concept of “tyrannical regime”.

  17. psychomath says

    I’m not sure it is wise to base your evaluation of humanity on a few douches. Maybe humanity isn’t exactly all that could be wished for quite yet, but we are better than we used to be by far, and I think we will be better still. Despair isn’t a useful reaction anyway. Either the despair is accurate, and you lose, or it isn’t accurate and you lose. I assume you weren’t really being serious, PZ, but if you keep repeating something enough, you might just start believing it.

  18. davidc1 says

    “Oh also, one class of enemies are “Doctors”, who vaccinate people.”

    The nerve of them bastard Doctors going around healing and curing people .

  19. scottbelyea says

    “…nothing to rely on except the triumph of the will if victory is to be theirs”

    Unsubtle reference to Leni Riefenstahl and her beautifully-done Nazi propaganda movie …

  20. slithey tove (twas brillig (stevem)) says

    I think the title Satire is dead sums it up.
    I see this as attempting to satirize every group with strong viewpoints, making all them into cartoon characters, regardless of value of each viewpoint. I guess they’re trying to remain unaffiliated, taking no particular side, playing both sides of the fence (aka fence-sitters).
    When they go low, we’ll go lower, must be there mantra, by putting out a piece of crap and calling it satire

  21. CJO says

    nothing to rely on except the triumph of the will if victory is to be theirs

    I know,I know, modern fundagelicalism’s theology is radically, diametrically opposed to anything resembling traditional Christian doctrine. It’s old news what utter history-denying hypocrites these ghouls are.

    But. BUT. The quoted phrase, an unsubtle nod to fucking Nazi propaganda, is so at odds with the core message of the New Testament that I wonder, for the ten thousandth time, what would happen to these people’s brains if they were to take a survey course on the theology of early Christianity held in some other venue than Liberty University.

    How about the “temptation in the wilderness”? (Luke 4:5-8)
    And the devil took him up and showed him all the kingdoms of the world in a moment of time, and said to him, “To you I will give all this authority and their glory, for it has been delivered to me, and I give it to whom I will. If you, then, will worship me, it will all be yours.” And Jesus answered him, “It is written,
    ‘You shall worship the Lord your God, and him only shall you serve.’”

    So much for the will to power.

    In Gethsemane, on the eve of the Passion (Luke 22:41-2):
    And he withdrew from them about a stone’s throw, and knelt down and prayed, saying, “Father, if you are willing, remove this cup from me. Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done.”

    Not my will, but yours, be done. I know these bags of putrescent slime have heard that read to them on Easter. What do they think, these fascist reptiles, when they hear that? What a cuck that Jesus was! No will to power in him at all.

  22. chrislawson says

    CJO@24–

    I take the opposite view here. When Jesus says “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done”, this is exactly how fascists want the common citizen to think. In fascism, the key thing to remember about will to power is that they’re talking about the Great Leader’s will and the Great Leader’s power — not the will and power of the citizenry, and especially not the resisters and dissenters.

    (I’m not saying Christianity is inherently fascist. There are plenty of other verses in the Bible that should make any fascist Christian’s head explode from dissonance.)

  23. John Morales says

    chrislawson,

    I take the opposite view here. When Jesus says “Nevertheless, not my will, but yours, be done”, this is exactly how fascists want the common citizen to think.

    Nah. That view is perfectly congruent with what CJO expressed, so hardly opposite.

    You’re not disputing that’s the ostensible Christian doctrine, and you’re not disputing that it’s the opposite of a “will to power” (in this simplistic interpretation of the idiom), you’re merely stating that it’s a useful thing for fascists.

    (Also, duh. There’s a reason Christianity was made the official religion back in the day)

  24. Nogbert says

    #20 Psychomath

    Maybe humanity isn’t exactly all that could be wished for quite yet, but we are better than we used to be by far

    Are you sure? Take a look at Dougie and his acolytes. Just in case you need a reminder of what real Americans are like.

  25. mayukitsune says

    This does sound like Broforce but made by horrible people with no talent or intelligence, also did someone mention this sounds like the actual neo-nazi video game Ethnic Cleansing? Maybe this will turn out to be as shit and horribly made as that game

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